Car Decorating

My co-workers are amazing!  On Wednesday night, before I left work they all secretly passed emails around conspiring to send me off with a grand message of love and support.  I had to leave the office at 4:30 to do a presentation with my boss for another member, my final work obligation before vacation begins.

At about 3 PM, my boss comes over to me and suggests I go load my car with the stuff I needed for the presentation.  I declined since I wasn’t done putting together the packets I needed and wanted in one of the bins. She looked at me and basically TOLD me, we were doing it now and could add the packets later and that she and Erin would help me.

OK.  Well, how does one argue with your boss when her tone says “this is the way it is going to be”.  So I agreed.  I grabbed my keys and headed to get some stuff but Cathy and Erin already had it in hand.  Not much for me to do but open the door and open my trunk.  Tim then came out to make sure us girls didn’t need a hand.

I walked, head down, watching my step in my heels to my car.  The last thing I need to do right before a race is to twist my ankle on our very uneven parking lot!   Just as I went to put the key in the lock I looked up and this is what I saw!

NO!! That is NOT a chocolate chip cookie on my trunk! Ok, maybe it is...

I love my co-workers.  They are amazingly supportive!  I was pretty overwhelmed.  Almost cried even!  Then I was sooo sad when I came out of my meeting that evening to find it sprinkling.  I had planned on waiting until I got home to take pictures on my real camera.  That was NOT gonna happen, so I whipped out my phone/camera and managed to get a couple before the rain turned it into a smudgy white mess.

Really On The Way!

Those who, being really on the way, fall upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers refuge and comfort and encourages the old self to survive. Rather they will seek out someone who will faithfully help them to risk themselves, so that they may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it, thus making of it a “raft that leads to the far shore.” Karlfried Durckheim

Hmmm, I was getting ready to write my post race report when a friend of mine posted this on his Facebook status.  I knew instantly that the post race report would wait for the other thoughts I have been having to be released first!

I have been in a much healthier head space lately about the whole weight loss/number on the scale thing.   Last week, I was re-reading some old posts and read my post about this time being different.  I realized that back when I wrote that, I was still trying to convince myself that it was true.  I didn’t fully believe it though, which is probably why I have repeated that phrase so many times over the last months.  I had some serious convincing to do AND I really really wanted it to be true.

As I read this post last week, I started crying because I realized with all of my being that it WAS true.  The old me would have given up by now after struggling so long to get out of this plateau.  The old me would have slinked away and gone into hiding instead of continuing to report frustrating results week after week.  The old me would have said that I am just meant to be fat and gone with that instead of trying new things and working to figure this out!

I like this new me that has emerged.

And I am ever so thankful for this journey.   I have learned a ton this past year.  I have learned to enjoy a variety of healthy activities.  I am no longer afraid to try something new that is athletic (except I still worry about skiing).   This journey has been painstakingly slow and sometimes I just wish that I could get on The Biggest Loser just so I could get rid of it quick.  But there is a bigger part of me that wouldn’t change a thing about how this has been.  Slow and steady wins the race.  And yes I will win!  No doubt about that!   (AND I am still considering applying again….I can have both, right?)

But here is what I am most thankful for.  I am most thankful that I have friends surrounding me like those described in the quote by Karlfried Durkheim.  You have heard mostly of Coach and Aaron and Adam here and how they challenge me all the time.  But my friend Jen is another one who challenges me as I watch her in her own journey to be her best self.  If I could just be like her!  There are others too, so many others, who on random occasions will say something to me that will challenge me to risk myself, for something greater! I will not turn to those who will help me rationalize or justify or excuse my behavior.  I intend to move from this place and into a greater place and that will take confrontation and discipline and courage, all things I struggle with and all things I can do/be when I know I can count on others to have my back!

I do not want friends who will let me stay in the comfortable place. The easy place. I want my friends to challenge me at every turn to go to greater heights.  Friends who will inspire and encourage me to FLY.  I do not take it for granted that I have a number of those kind of people in my life already and I plan on speaking with them each to let them know how much they mean to me and how they have impacted my journey.

If you don’t have someone like this in your life, I hope and pray you find one quick!  If you do, let them know how much they mean to you!

Self-Protecting

It seems part of my weight has always been a form of self-protecting.  As a young child it was a child’s way of protecting against further abuse and then became a way to stuff emotions.  As the years went on, it was a way to protect against hopes and dreams because, well, because I just didn’t hope and dream so much.  I would begin to and then immediately discount those things as impossible.

I have done a lot of work in this area.  I have come a long way.  I can tell.  I have this handy goal list with all sorts of adventurous and fun things on it that I once thought impossible.  When I run, I dream of doing these things with strong legs and arms and a heart that I don’t fear will give out and in gear that fits and actually looks good.  Those are the thoughts that often fill my head as I run.

Yet, I still find myself itching to self-protect.  This time though it is from disappointment.

A few months ago, I had an interview for a job that I really wanted and was very qualified for.  The interview process went so well.  I was quite excited and certain I would be offered the position.  In the end, I didn’t get it and I was hugely disappointed.   So much so that I actually cried.   I don’t cry often.  So crying over a job is kind of a big deal.

This week, I have had an interview and in a few hours will be having a 2nd interview with the same company.  The situation is the same.  Great first interview.  I am perfectly qualified.  On Sunday, while having brunch with Coach and a few others, the topic of the interview came up and I was quick to dismiss it.  I had not heard by Friday that they wanted me back for a 2nd interview (which was the time frame they gave me) so I had already written the job off as something that was not going to happen.   I refused to listen to wisdom that said that they could just be behind on things.

See, I was already steeling myself against disappointment.  Friday, I had eaten alot of chocolate chip cookies and it wasn’t until it was pointed out to me that I ate those on the same day I had given up on the job possibility that I realized that I can’t not be disappointed.  Even though I have been very careful to only tell a select few that I even have an interview and even among those few, I don’t think I have even said out loud that I really WANT this job.  In my mind, if I say that, then don’t get it, it will hurt worse. Be more disappointing.

I have been working overtime to downplay my desire for this job in hopes of it not being as bad as last time if I don’t get it.  While I did get a 2nd interview (they called Monday), I still find myself playing it safe in my mind and telling very few people about it and preparing for the worst while planning to do my best in the process.

On other fronts it happens with my weight loss.  Since realizing that I have been stagnant since June a couple weeks ago, I have been more conscious than ever of calorie intake and exercise.  The first week I gained.  This week I lost 1.2 lbs.  I remember a time not so long ago when a 1.2 lb loss would have had me jumping for joy.  But I have gained and lost the same 4 lbs for the last 2-3 months.  I am still afraid I am not gonna make it past this mental road block of  “never having lost 65 lbs before”.  So I think until I make it past that marker, no weight loss will make me jump for joy.  It isn’t new weight lost after all.  And yet, then I have 135 lbs of “never having lost XXX LBS before” to go through before I reach goal weight.  I sure hope that once I make it past the 65 lb mark that the rest won’t be so incredibly mentally difficult.

As for the self-protecting part of this.  As I drove to the weigh in, I found myself starting to get exciting, knowing for SURE I had to have lost weight.  Yet, there was a part of me that kept saying, “simmer down, don’t be too excited or you will just be disappointed again”.  I don’t think I could have handled it if I had NOT lost today so I was mentally preparing for the worst then couldn’t even be excited when good happened!

Here is what I notice about my self-protecting.  I miss out.  Today I missed out on the celebration of 1.2 lbs down and my work paying off.  This week I have missed out on the joy of sharing this interview process with others and the joy that comes from having hope for something.

I know a certain level of self-protection can be helpful and even wise at times such as when in dangerous situations or with people who are legitimately unsafe.  But I think in these two cases of mine, it is unhealthy and I am not sure how to stop that automatic response from happening.  I guess that is what relationships are for.  People in your life who know you and are willing to speak out what they see so that hopefully the patterns can be stopped.

So with that said.  I really, really, really WANT and NEED this job.

I am not giving up on this weight loss thing…even if I have to battle hard for the next 5 years, I will win!  I want it too much to give up when it gets hard!

Some Of The 10,000

I have been in a weird place this past month.  Part of me is scared poop-less that this time is NOT different and yet I know that is just fear talking because I can SEE the signs that say it IS different.  The signs are not just theory or thoughts either, they are the real deal physical universe things, like Crazy Kate’s visit.  Or like wanting to run the complete opposite way of the direction I have been heading and yet not running.  I may not be moving, but I am not running either.   I am standing in the moment, feeling everything there is to feel and acknowledging its place in my life.

I have also found myself in a place of wanting to justify or rationalize Crazy Kate’s visit (which I hope you all picked up on the clues, that I do not have a twin, Kate is me!)  I have wanted to pull that blog post so many times since hitting “publish”.  I didn’t realize  until tonight when I received an email response from Aaron, that in asking him (for probably the 3rd time) what he thought of all of that situation, I was really expecting judgment.   He said this: If what is behind your question is wondering what judgment I may be placing on you because of that then rest assured that there is no judgment.  You are wading through serious stuff and as I’ve said before there are forces that do not want to see you wholly healthy and will use whatever dirty tricks possible to derail you.  This is a long road you are on.

It made me stop and think and realize that part of my fears in having this post out here in blogland is the possible judgments you all may have of me and what happened.  Judgments about my faith and where I stand on that.  Judgments about my ability or determination to lose this weight, but most of all, judgments about my sanity!  I know I am not crazy.  I know that there is a lot going on as I move forward on this journey.  And, having it all out here, is an incredibly vulnerable feeling.  But that is ok.  Vulnerability never killed anyone!

I have many fears as I continue to walk this out.

• Crazy Kate, might come back from time to time- So be it.  She ain’t got nothing on me!
• 64.8 lbs is all I will ever be able to lose, I will never break through to 65+ lbs-if that is the case, then I won’t gain back what I have lost, I will be proud of this journey and I won’t give up trying.
• this journey is going to require more trust and faith than I think I have in me- likely true, but I know the Source of all Trust and Faith and I will just get more as needed.
• this journey is going to lead me to greater risks than I have ever known.  That it will take me beyond myself.- While scary, this also sounds exciting.
• That God is after the control I keep taking back from Him, and He means to have it and hold onto it.-  I have a death grip on this control thing, but ummm I don’t think I can win against God.  He seems to always get what He wants, no matter how long it takes.  He is kind of patient like that!

I also have many hopes for myself as I continue to walk this journey out

• I am not alone-  God is always with me and when I need Jesus with skin on, He has provided me with some of the best of His creation to journey with me…and they don’t seem to be tired yet.
• I feel! – There was once a time, not long ago that I would have been considered a leper.  When Jesus healed the lepers in the Bible, he gave them their ability to feel back.  When they could feel, they could look at and fix the area that needed fixing.  While painful and overwhelming at times, I am so incredibly thankful to feel.
• this journey is not my own.- While this blog is certainly about me and my story, whichever one happens to be impacting me in the moment, there is a bigger picture being painted and I am not the artist!
• WHEN I lose this weight, it will be forever, because I am taking the time to address what gets in the way now!  It might be a slower process than I had hoped for or would like, but I would rather it be this way, than to lose and gain it all back!
• While my abuse seems to have had the most significant impact on my weight loss efforts and seems to be the thing I talk a lot about, THAT is not all of who I am.  There is so much more to me, and I look forward to discovering THAT girl as I continue this journey. (Thanks Aaron for pointing that out to me!)

Ultimately, I am me and you are reading because either you LIKE me or are simply fascinated by this life of mine or can somehow relate to my life.  For whatever reason, you are here because you choose to be here, so you get what you get…Crazy and all!

But for the record, I am NOT crazy…I just had a crazy week…and I will likely have more of them…so stick around if you want, I am glad to have you on the journey!

That Girl: A Rant

Tonight, I went out with my sister-in-law and some of her friends and her Aunt to a Mary Kay party.  When you take out the fact that we are being pitched to buy really expensive make-up/facial cleansing products  or to sign up for the “opportunity” it was generally a good time to be with “the girls”.

However, it is always awkward for me being around this group.  I am sure that much of it is my own attitude because I am certain they are just trying to be encouraging and supportive, but this is what happens.  They all know that I applied for TBL and they all of course know I have lost weight.  65 lbs is noticeable.  It is a young child, after all, missing off my body.  However, I show up and the subject of conversation goes immediately to food, diet, or exercise and the latest things to make it happen that THEY are doing and that I SHOULD do as well.   This could be the latest exercise DVD that they all love and do together 3 times a week in said Aunt’s garage or it could be the latest organic food they found or vitamin supplement that our body NEEDS.  It could be the benefits of natural almonds or avocados.  But the key thing is the conversation is not WITH me, it is AT me and it is giving me unasked for advice without really caring to ask or listening to my answer when they do ask about what it is that I AM doing.

The other conversation that comes up is the “other” people they know that has lost a significant amount of weight.  Tonight, as we were walking in to this party, the Aunt pulled me back from the group to tell me something.  The friend she brought has lost 50 lbs and wants to lose 50 more.  She has told me about this friend of hers before and for whatever reason felt it necessary to POINT HER OUT to me.  So now what?  Am I supposed to go up to this woman I just met and start talking about weight loss and compare war stories with her, just because we have both lost significant amounts of weight?  Did Aunt point me out to this other woman before they even got in the car too?

Here is my beef with all of this.

There is more to me than my weight.  I have other interests, other passions.  I don’t always want to talk about food/diet or the program.  Frankly, it is in my head all the time, from the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep.  I have people I am in accountability with to really hash things out with if I need to.  But really, when I am with others, sometimes I just want to be able to forget about it for a while. I don’t always want to talk about it.  Yes, here on my blog this is all you get (not really) but 99% of what I blog about has to do with my weight or what is getting in the way of my weight loss…but that is the PURPOSE of my blog.

I am not the number that I weigh nor am I the number of pounds I have lost.  My name is not 290.2 or 65.8!  Why does an introduction have to be “Hey this is Kim, she has lost 65 lbs…isn’t that wonderful?!”  Why can’t it simply be, “Hey, this is Kim or my friend so and so…I think you guys would get along great!”  Then let us talk and decide if each of us want the other knowing such intimate details as our weights/struggles with it!  I don’t want to be introduced as/talked about as “That girl” who lost x number of lbs.  My name is Kim thank you very much.  Can that stand alone?  Can that be enough of an introduction…then let me decide how I want to be known by that person?  Can who I am be enough without having to qualify it with what I am doing?

I know, I sound whiny.  These people love me and they want to be encouraging.  They are well-meaning people with good intentions.  They are proud of my lbs lost.  They are proud of me.  Which is the only reason I don’t say anything.

So I rant here instead. 🙂