Tag Archive | undone

Crazy Kate

About a week or so ago, I got a visitor.  My crazy twin sister Kate came by unannounced and decided to stay awhile.  I don’t care much for the things Kate pulls and I don’t talk about her often and I see her even less.  The truth though is that  Kate is a lot like me, almost too much, in fact.  She struggles with weight loss, control issues, and prior abuse stuff.  She also has some great friends who love her well, and through all things.  If I would listen to her when she shows up from time to time, I might actually learn a thing or two…but I usually don’t.

I spent a lot of time with Kate this week, listening to her and beginning to get an understanding of how deep the rabbit hole goes for her in her struggles.  They run deep.  Far deeper then I am sure she ever imagined and after spending a week watching her self destruct then begin to return to the land of normal  I can assure you Kate is certifiably crazy.  But I love her anyway. She is special and unique.  A true gift.  I think, despite all the drama she caused this week, I will keep her around.

Here is what Kate did.

Kate has been losing a lot of weight.  Like me, she has used her weight as a form of protection and that protective layer is disappearing and all that she is left with is this terrifying, uncontrollable fear that her safety is at stake.  This week, she began to feel overwhelmingly afraid, alone, vulnerable, unsafe, angry, sad….the list goes on.   Kate didn’t know what to do with all of this, so she went back to her old stand by.  Food. Food at one point was her best friend.  It comforted her when she was sad.  It helped her to numb herself to the pain that life threw at her.  And food helped her to form her protective layer that kept her from ever having to live fully and authentically with the full spectrum of emotions and feelings present.  (My goodness, I can so relate to this!)

So She ate.  Probably not as much as she used to when she went to food for comfort.  But enough to know what she was doing just was not good.  She stopped at Tim’s and got a few donuts…then moved on to McD’s and grabbed a couple of sandwiches…then moved on home and had a couple ice creams.  Then she got online, only to find her good friend, Mike, waiting for her to talk.   Mike, is a lot like my beloved Coach or Aaron.   She can’t hide from him because he knows too much now.  They talked long into the night about her binging and her need and desire for control and how as she continues to lose weight, her issues are no longer about the weight itself, but about how God wants her to let go.  She doesn’t need to cling so tightly and the more she does the less effective she is going to be at losing weight.  They talked about her fears of losing weight and how as she continues to do so, men continue to make comments and it is scary.  By 3 AM she was feeling better, able to laugh a little bit and eventually fall into some semblance of sleep.

The next day, Kate thought she had a handle on things.  She didn’t sleep much the night before.  She woke up far earlier than you might think for someone having gone to sleep at around 4 AM…but no big deal, right?  By evening, Kate was beginning to feel all those chaotic emotions again.  The fear, the sadness, the vulnerability and nakedness.  The fear of having put her story so hugely out there and being so known.  She began to feel really unsafe.  All the emotions were running rampant and were so very loud, she could hardly think.  She didn’t want to NOT feel these things though.  On some level she knew that the feelings themselves were good and a sign of all the healing she had come through, but they were just so loud.  If only they could be quieter, all would be good.  Then, she could think and perhaps process them.   She knew though, that food was no longer her friend and co-conspirator in this matter.  She noticed she had some Vodka and had a drink.  Then two. Then the vodka was gone.  And the noise of the emotions swirling around was not any quieter, so she moved on to the rum she found in her room.  She, however, had nothing in the house to mix it with, so she drank it straight up.  Finally, things were a little quieter in her head and heart but now the room was spinning crazy and she just wanted to talk.  She texted Mike and her other dear friend, Jen.   The two of them quickly began to surmise what Kate was up to, and began to talk and soon Jen was at Kate’s house and Mike was working at convincing Kate to open the door for her.  In the end, Kate was up till 4 AM and awake again by 8 AM and the emotions were back in full force. Alcohol was no longer her friend either.

(I wish I had known how to best help Kate.  But the reality is, it was hitting far too close to home, and I was being pulled along for the ride.)

Mike and Jen were now quite concerned and frightened for Kate and her overall well being and safety.  Both know her pretty well and neither thought she would ever go to these lengths, at least with the alcohol.  Mike was particularly concerned with what is next.  Pills? Rampant Sex with unknown men?  He was no longer willing to put anything past Kate when she was so hell bent on self-destructing and freaking out.   For the next night, both of them suggested Kate stay at Jen’s house, just for observation. Just so they wouldn’t worry.  Well, by now, Kate was beginning to realize the drama she was causing in her friends lives and in her own.  She was beginning to see where this was heading and not wanting that either, she agreed to stay there for one night.  I am sure Kate’s friends were quite relieved.

Kate showed up at Jen’s house in time to get some dinner together for the two of them when she returned from work.  When that was done, all of her energy was spent.  She was exhausted from so much lack of sleep the last two nights, she decided to lie down.  She lay on the bed she normally sleeps on when she goes to this friend’s house.  All those emotions came back, worse than ever.  Kate’s heart started racing.  Her breathing became very rapid. She was gripped with fear at every noise.   Kate said it was weird.  She could almost look down and see herself and know in her head all of this was illogical.  The every day noises of people dragging their garbage cans out to the curb was nothing to tremble over.  There was nothing logical to be so frightened of and yet, there she was curled up on a bed, unable to move and terrified.  She knew this is the kind of stuff that gets people put in psych wards, but she was unable to stop it.  She began to get scared of being scared like this.  She knew that Jen was coming home soon and she would be scared if she found her like this, but even that could not stop the emotions from coursing through her and taking over her body.  She began to feel very crazy and was all too aware that at one point in her childhood her mom had been hospitalized for serious depression and anxiety and even at one point was suicidal.  She began to wonder if this is how it started out for her mom.  That scared her all the more and her body continued to tremble.  She could literally feel the organs in her body jumping around within her.

Sure enough, Jen came home and was highly concerned.  She has known Kate for nigh on 15 years and has never seen her in a state like this.  After talking to Kate for a bit, Jen was able to talk the trembling down and suggested that perhaps they should do everything possible to get Kate to her old therapist the next day.  Kate agreed.  Little did Jen know, that Kate had already emailed The Therapist earlier in the day.  They called The Therapist and were able to speak to her.  Unfortunately, The Therapist would not be able to see Kate in person but spent 45 minutes on the phone with her.  She had also responded to Kate’s email at great length.

The results are this.  Kate is normal.  Kate will be ok and while it might FEEL crazy, she is not, nor does she need to be committed or anything. As Kate has lost her weight and her protective covering, she has lost a measure of control.  That, combined with all the other factors of her life right now, it is completely normal for her to feel the way she is, given her own story of childhood sexual abuse.  Like me, Kate locked away her emotions for a long, long time, especially if it was something other than happy.  Like me, Kate is learning to feel again.  Like me, Kate has attempted to lose weight and has mysteriously gained it all back plus some when people started noticing.  The Therapist said that had she been feeling things those other times, this is likely what she would have felt.  She also said that because it is the very thing that Kate had set up to protect herself that she was losing, it is natural and normal to feel so unsafe, vulnerable and scared.  It is likely what she felt when she was a child as her control was taken away from her when she was abused. She said for Kate to continue to be able to effectively lose weight, she HAS TO FEEL this stuff.  She has to go through this.  This is part of the normal process of achieving whole health.

The 4 days following that night, Kate did not sleep much.  Her mind was whirling.  When she did sleet she was painfully aware that she was lying in her bed.  She was aware of every noise and it woke her up.  Kate used to be a very sound sleeper.  Nothing would wake her up.  When she slept, she slept very deeply.  Not that week.  Thursday night, Jen came over and stayed the night with her, just so she wouldn’t have to be alone.  Kate again got 4 or less hours of sleep and the same thing happened Friday night.  As she would lie there, trying to sleep, she would simply be aware that she is not sleeping.  Then she would be aware that she is actually starting to drift off and would get so excited that sleep was coming, that she would wake herself up.  I am sure it had to be frustrating for her.  Sometimes her heart would race and she would get that scared feeling, but The Therapist told her how to work through this.  Half the battle was in knowing what was going on.  The other half was speaking truth into the terrified feelings.  When Kate ran out of words, she listened to Truth music on her IPOD.

Kate’s story runs so closely together with mine.  We feel and do and react in so many of the same ways.  It is almost as if we are the same person.   Like I said earlier, Kate doesn’t visit often.  I don’t let her, because as she lives out her story, it forces me to look deeper at mine.  I talk a lot of bravado about looking at and engaging the stories of our lives, but that doesn’t make it any less scary.

In summary, Kate is not crazy.  She is just, for once, finally feeling the full emotions of her life and it is overwhelming her at times.  Kate has faith though, that her Father, who loves her dearly and calls her by name, will never leave her or forsake her.  That in the midst of all this chaotic craziness, He has a plan and a purpose.  That further and greater healing is hers to be had.  Kate is learning to trust Him more and more each day and to know that He is always good.  That He always performs heart surgery in the most gentlest of ways and that He would not be allowing this if she could not handle it or if she was not in a safe place to experience it all.  Kate is forever grateful for her friends.  She knows God has placed them in her life to be His physical arms to help carry her when she just can’t move and to hold her and let her know that she is in fact safe and normal, even when it doesn’t feel that way at all.  I could learn much from Kate, I am certain of it.

Some people have an evil twin.  I have a crazy twin and I love her.  She is a strong woman.  She has faith.  She has friends.  She is loved dearly.  She is incredibly courageous and I know that as she continues to walk this out, she will be victorious and one day…one day hopefully soon, this chapter of her life will close and her abuse story will no longer have such a hold on her. One day, soon, I want to see Kate dance, like only a person who is truly free and loved can dance.  I want to dance with her, free and loved.


Fried Chicken > Friendship???

One day in February or March 2008, perhaps it was even January; I was watching what I was eating…again.  Again, Aaron, among others knew it and was willing to help.

One night I was at an information meeting for a seminar I was helping to put together where I was going to be sharing a piece of my story about how this seminar has helped to change the way I look at the world.  In particularly I would be highlighting some things I had discovered about my weight and how I used my weight as a protection (Ironically, I still had not dealt with these things yet, only acknowledged them!)  I would talk about while this reality of being overweight had not changed fully yet, I was THAT much closer because I wasn’t willing to completely give up anymore.  I was nervous.

There are always yummy snacks at these meetings and usually quite a variety.   Everything from veggie trays, cookies, brownies, soda, cheese and crackers…you get the idea.   On this night I was acutely aware of the sugary, chocolaty snacks, but was being ever so diligent to eat the healthy things.  Shoot! I can’t get up in front of a bunch of people I don’t know and some I do know and share how since attending this seminar, I have been able to keep going again and again in my efforts towards weight loss instead of giving up altogether, forever.  During the whole 2 1/2 hours I was at this meeting I think I had one bite of brownie.  I may have even had someone share it with me…likely Aaron or Adam…but I pretty much stuck to the veggies.  I do recall at one point Aaron was eating a cookie in front of me and he stopped and asked me if he should eat the cookie somewhere else.  Was it causing an issue for me?  Nope it wasn’t.  I truly was good at that moment.

I shared my story and looking back now I can say I was feeling pretty vulnerable.  All sorts of strangers came up to me and wanted to talk to me more about my experience and at that point I still wasn’t ready to go much beyond that fact that abuse had happened.  At least not emotionally.

When the meeting was over and we were all packed up and ready to go home, I realized I had not officially eaten dinner yet.  I only had the veggie snacks.  Hmmm I should get something for dinner, despite not really being hungry.  The fact that dinner had not been eaten was the only factor in place.  Not to mention it was 10 or 11 at night now.  A time when no one should be eating a full meal.  I knew what I wanted though.  I wanted my all time comfort food.  Fried chicken.  I also didn’t want anyone to know I was eating it.  In public, I had done so well.  I ate well.  I shared my story well. I looked all together. So I hung around the parking lot until all my friends left then I drove slowly through the streets to the local grocery store and went in.  I got 4 pieces of their fried chicken to go.

I got back in my car and began to drive home, eating chicken and knowing that it had to be eaten before I got home, because my roommate couldn’t know either.  Oh the signs of sickness!  As I was eating, a familiar ringtone went off.  I knew instantly who it was without even looking.  Partly because a few moments before I had thought this person is going to call me and partly because of the ringtone.  Yep it was Aaron.  I immediately looked around me to see if perhaps he was nearby and was seeing what I was doing.  Oh the guilt I felt!  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  Not because chicken is so terrible, but because of the secrecy of it all!  Despite the guilt I was committed to keeping my secret.

I put down my chicken, wiped my hands on a napkin and answered the phone…all while driving. This is how I recall the conversation going down…Aaron is welcome to correct me…

Me:  “Hey Aaron, what’s up?” (this said in a very chipper, happy to hear from you voice…)

Aaron:  Hey Kim, I was just thinking about you and felt like I should call you.

Me:  Oh yeah?  Where are you? (I am still thinking he is seeing me and knows full well what I am doing and is fishing for a confession)

Aaron: Oh I am almost home…just a couple miles away in fact.

Me: Oh, so what did you call for? (I was relieved…he was no where near me.  In fact he was about 10 miles ahead of me)

Aaron:  Oh well, I wanted you to know that you did really well tonight with your eating and I felt like I was supposed to call you and tell you not to screw it up when you got home.  I know when I have been around tempting treats like tonight and do well, I can easily get home and be tempted to toss all the good eating aside and eat crap and ruin it.  So I wanted to encourage you to not do that when you get home.  I just felt like I was supposed to call you and tell you that.

Me:  Oh, I think I am good.  I don’t think I will even want to eat when I get home. (Of course not!  I am eating now!)  Thanks for calling though!  That is so kind of you!  Really!  I appreciate your concern!

I hung up the phone and began eating my chicken again.  Except this time, it wasn’t so easy to do and it didn’t taste nearly as good as a few minutes ago. I was already feeling guilty and ashamed for eating in secret and now for the first time ever I flat out blatantly LIED to Aaron about it.   I could have just as easily said to him…Thanks for calling, I AM struggling. In fact I am eating chicken now.  Stay on the phone with me while I throw it out. Or any number of things.  But that would have required going to a vulnerable place I wasn’t willing to go to.

In that moment though, the chicken, the secret, the stuffing of the vulnerable emotions I didn’t want to feel anymore was more important than a friendship that had become very dear to me. I knew I was wrong. I couldn’t believe I was willing to put this friendship at risk over a piece of fried chicken.  Really?  Food was more important to me than relationship?

I got home and I sent a text message to Aaron asking if he was still up and if so, could we talk for a few minutes.  Of course, he said.  So he called me or I called him I don’t know which.  I suppose it doesn’t matter who called who.  What does matter though is that when we talked I told him the truth.   I told him about the chicken.  I told him how I just knew he was watching me eat that chicken.  I told him how I hated that I put food over a relationship.  And I asked him to forgive me.

He had no idea. I could have gotten away with it. He could never have known about the lie.  Or the chicken. Or the vulnerability. I would have known though.  And in confessing to him, there was great risk.   Trust was broken. I had lied for the first time to him.  And with exception to an April Fool’s joke or surprise planning, the last time, so far.

I realized on this day that I had a problem.  Sure I ate in my car at times.  I ate secretly all the time and while I never told anyone about it, up until this moment, I had never flat out lied about it.  I had never put a relationship so blatantly at risk…for a piece of chicken before.   I hope I never do again.

Thank God Aaron forgave me.  I did not lose his friendship that night, although he had every right to walk away.  The lesson I learned most is that food is not greater than friendship.  Now, I would much rather be ashamed of what I am eating and own it than lie about it and risk not only my health but the relationships of those who have stood so solidly with me.

The longest day of my life!

Yes friends, if you didn’t know it before, you know it now, I am back in my beloved GR this week. Yes I know, I should just move back here. After tonight I am convinced I will figure out a way! My trip this time, was 2 fold. One I had long standing symphony tickets….and since the TBL video submission deadline is fast approaching, the plan was to have my video completed tonight…after some last minute filming on Monday.

After filming on Monday, it was decided that Wednesday at 8:30, the premiere viewing of my video would take place. Outside of one small clip ABS showed me on Monday, I have seen nothing of this project. No footage or anything. I simply had to trust a man, I don’t know very well, but who is good friends with Coach and Aaron, whom I trust without question. Needless to say, I have been anxiously awaiting Wednesday at 8:30. I am not one to usually lose sleep over things, but I was sooo excited, I have not slept well the last 2 nights and well, I am not so sure I am gonna sleep tonight either!

I did not have a huge agenda for the day, but I was meeting one friend for coffee and then having a sushi dinner with a few friends prior to the Premiere, as we have taken to calling it. But I also had a couple friends who have been integral to my journey coming over to watch the video at 8:30 as well. We had a lovely dinner, but while at dinner, Adam gets a text message from ABS, “need more time” is the basic gist of the message. And ABS didn’t want me at the house until he was really ready, lest I see something before the big viewing. SO…we couldn’t go back yet. As time passed, further text messages were coming in, expounding the woes of technology and how even more time was needed. At 8:15 I said, we needed to leave the restaurant and go somewhere else. We ended up at the mall, sitting in massage chairs and visiting the Apple store and painfully killing time. While at the apple store…we get another message. “40 minutes…I am not kidding!”

My face fell. All of the anticipation that had been building just deflated. I knew there would be people at the house, waiting. And of course I was awaiting this, but what can one do when technology won’t cooperate! Shortly after that Scottie gets a phone call, that basically says that we can come, even though it isn’t quite ready, my friends would rather watch me squirm there. But I overheard something that led me to believe that the stalling had all been intentional. SO I began to suspect trickery. But I had no idea!!!

As we pull up, there is a “no parking” sign in the driveway and as I look up, there are people standing in the driveway…I thought, that crazy ABS is making them wait in the cold? As I got out, a floodlight came on and I noticed a “red carpet” covering the entire length of the driveway. (They have a long driveway) There were “paparazzi”present all along the carpet taking photos as I walked up. And music was playing….”I’m too sexy”! Yep, of course I had to strut my stuff on the “cat walk”As I walked, I had a feather boa put on me, flowers placed in my hand, and eventually a tiara got placed on my head. It was hilarious fun! My friends LOVE me! This I know! For their actions tell me so!

When we finally made it into the house, we had a champagne toast! You seriously would have thought that a “big deal” celebrity had just arrived. I was overwhelmed. It was then I began to realize and connect the dots to conversations I had with Aaron and Carol and began to see…they were ALL in on this. This was not the work of just one person! But about a dozen, all working to surprise me! It worked guys! I don’t think I have ever been so surprised in my life!

We finally moved into the viewing room to watch the video, where ABS and RD introduced the film and their experience working on it. I was touched and overwhelmed by their words. We watched the video and while I cannot post it or tell you much about it, I can say ABS and RD are geniuses at taking me and my story and telling it in such a beautiful way without taking away from who I am. The whole thing reflected who I am at my core. It was funny, vulnerable, honest and real. It was me! I was stunned into silence. Even now I have no adequate words to express what I think and feel. I feel like I have just reported the excitement of the day. But what else can I add?

I am loved. If I ever doubted or questioned it before….there is nothing of that remaining. And while the waiting was frustrating…in the end it was well worth it!

I am wordless when it comes to what I feel, not because I am not feeling anything, but there are no words to describe it all, that exist in the English language!

When I get some of the pictures of all of the trickery that went down…I will post them for you all to see!

Who Am I?

When I feel like giving up. When I feel like I cannot do another thing. When I feel like I don’t have what it takes. When I feel like my world is spinning out of control and all that I know to be true is being shaken to the core. When I feel like my faith has been devastated and I cannot trust anything. I remember. I remember the times I have been clear God has spoken to me. I remember the feeling of complete security I had in His words. Today is such a day and I am working hard at remembering. Here is my story of who God says I am.

I was participating in an exercise. But it didn’t feel like an exercise. In my mind’s eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn’t imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn’t matter to Him?

I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn’t fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn’t understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.

Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, “I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!” I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn’t think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. “Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?” I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.

Again, immediately, I heard this response. “I call you enough.” So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.

It was enough. I didn’t know one could cry so hard. I didn’t know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks…and I knew it was true. No matter what…I am enough for Him.

Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. “Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough”.

I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.