Some Of The 10,000

me head shotI have been in a weird place this past month.  Part of me is scared poop-less that this time is NOT different and yet I know that is just fear talking because I can SEE the signs that say it IS different.  The signs are not just theory or thoughts either, they are the real deal physical universe things, like Crazy Kate’s visit.  Or like wanting to run the complete opposite way of the direction I have been heading and yet not running.  I may not be moving, but I am not running either.   I am standing in the moment, feeling everything there is to feel and acknowledging its place in my life.

I have also found myself in a place of wanting to justify or rationalize Crazy Kate’s visit (which I hope you all picked up on the clues, that I do not have a twin, Kate is me!)  I have wanted to pull that blog post so many times since hitting “publish”.  I didn’t realize  until tonight when I received an email response from Aaron, that in asking him (for probably the 3rd time) what he thought of all of that situation, I was really expecting judgment.   He said this: If what is behind your question is wondering what judgment I may be placing on you because of that then rest assured that there is no judgment.  You are wading through serious stuff and as I’ve said before there are forces that do not want to see you wholly healthy and will use whatever dirty tricks possible to derail you.  This is a long road you are on.

It made me stop and think and realize that part of my fears in having this post out here in blogland is the possible judgments you all may have of me and what happened.  Judgments about my faith and where I stand on that.  Judgments about my ability or determination to lose this weight, but most of all, judgments about my sanity!  I know I am not crazy.  I know that there is a lot going on as I move forward on this journey.  And, having it all out here, is an incredibly vulnerable feeling.  But that is ok.  Vulnerability never killed anyone!

I have many fears as I continue to walk this out.

  • Crazy Kate, might come back from time to time- So be it.  She ain’t got nothing on me!
  • 64.8 lbs is all I will ever be able to lose, I will never break through to 65+ lbs-if that is the case, then I won’t gain back what I have lost, I will be proud of this journey and I won’t give up trying.
  • this journey is going to require more trust and faith than I think I have in me- likely true, but I know the Source of all Trust and Faith and I will just get more as needed.
  • this journey is going to lead me to greater risks than I have ever known.  That it will take me beyond myself.- While scary, this also sounds exciting.
  • That God is after the control I keep taking back from Him, and He means to have it and hold onto it.-  I have a death grip on this control thing, but ummm I don’t think I can win against God.  He seems to always get what He wants, no matter how long it takes.  He is kind of patient like that!

I also have many hopes for myself as I continue to walk this journey out

  • I am not alone-  God is always with me and when I need Jesus with skin on, He has provided me with some of the best of His creation to journey with me…and they don’t seem to be tired yet.
  • I feel! – There was once a time, not long ago that I would have been considered a leper.  When Jesus healed the lepers in the Bible, he gave them their ability to feel back.  When they could feel, they could look at and fix the area that needed fixing.  While painful and overwhelming at times, I am so incredibly thankful to feel.
  • this journey is not my own.- While this blog is certainly about me and my story, whichever one happens to be impacting me in the moment, there is a bigger picture being painted and I am not the artist!
  • WHEN I lose this weight, it will be forever, because I am taking the time to address what gets in the way now!  It might be a slower process than I had hoped for or would like, but I would rather it be this way, than to lose and gain it all back!
  • While my abuse seems to have had the most significant impact on my weight loss efforts and seems to be the thing I talk a lot about, THAT is not all of who I am.  There is so much more to me, and I look forward to discovering THAT girl as I continue this journey. (Thanks Aaron for pointing that out to me!)

Ultimately, I am me and you are reading because either you LIKE me or are simply fascinated by this life of mine or can somehow relate to my life.  For whatever reason, you are here because you choose to be here, so you get what you get…Crazy and all!

But for the record, I am NOT crazy…I just had a crazy week…and I will likely have more of them…so stick around if you want, I am glad to have you on the journey!

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17 thoughts on “Some Of The 10,000

  1. Pingback: Weight Loss » Blog Archive » Some Of The 10,000

  2. Or we are reading to somehow discover things that nobody has pointed out before in our own journey. I personally thank you for sharing your ups and downs (see didn’t say crazy) because what might be your up might be my down and I can learn how to make it an up! You get no judgement from me. I never judge people until I can say I have walked in their shoes, which by the way is impossible!

  3. I’m here for all three reasons… I like you, your life fascinates me, and I can relate in some way. But, of course, you already know that. =)

    Great post. No worries about Kate. Maybe she and my crazy twin should hang out together, without us. Heh heh.

    HUGS and see you SOON!

  4. No judgment here, sister. We all have our Kate. Mine isn’t so much “crazy” as really really mean and bitchy with a whole lot of mopey on the side. I’m glad you are willing to include her here. We learn from all parts of ourselves–the good, the bad, and the crazy 🙂

    • HAHA Teresa!!! I like the mopey on the side….for you of course..not for me….:-) You can keep mopey, I will take crazy! Maybe???? Or maybe we can learn what we can then ditch’em both!

  5. Another great post. I SOO know the thoughts of “I will never lose past this point” or “I will gain it back.” And I certainly know the whole alter ego/twin feeling. Sometimes it feels like the loss of control turns us into someone we don’t even know, specially if you get down and fall off track. It’s an excellent idea to post these thoughts and work through them. No judgement coming from this end. 🙂

    • Oh Steve!!!Don’t feel that way!! The clues were not that great anyway…Coach adn I were trying to figure out how to put more clues in there, but I got all anxious about getting it posted and well…hit publish…Besides, you haven’t been reading that long adn I cannot imagine you have read all the way back to the beginning! But at least now you know!

  6. Steve don’t feel bad. When I was reading that post I thought WOW she has a twin sister and the same thing happened to her poor girls. I didn’t put it all together until the end of the post. Doh!

  7. Fantastic post. These fears you have, I recognize many of them. But you have to know that this time is different. Please read Day 327 of my blog…I think it is something that you’ve probably already realized—but I did too, and it still left me completely drained to write and then read it.

    I look forward to discovering more about your fantastic journey!

    My best always
    Sean Anderson

    • You are right Sean….this time IS different. If for no other reason than I have NEVER stuck to it for a solid year…I may not have lost as many pounds…but I am a completely different person…and THAT makes all the difference!

  8. Wow just found you on here…look foward to following your journey to beautiful, Which you already are, Love the pics you can see the difference already and it will only get better and better…
    Love,
    Irene

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