What Is My Deal?

I do not know where to begin or what exactly I want to say.   I guess I will start with the obvious.  I gained again for the 3rd week in a row and this time it has thrown me back in to the 3’s.

Thinking that I am gonna get results without work is …well not working for me.

I can easily point to many contributing factors…lots going on emotionally/spiritually.  The last couple weeks have been a series of highs and lows.  I can even point to a possibility of water weight gain as well that happens this time every month.  I can point to history and say this happens every time I lose weight…but ultimately, those would be excuses and not really the issue.

The issue is I have not been doing the work I know to do.

The issue is I want something for nothing.

The issue is I have been lazy.

The issue that actually had me tearing up while talking about it with Aaron tonight is that I am tired.  Everything else was just facts and answers, theories as to what is going on, but this…actually got through the layers of tough skin I wear so well, so it must be the one that is MOST true, at least in this moment.

It has been 9 months of working at this.  Questioning every choice of what to eat, challenging myself to workout, often talking myself through workouts, talking myself out of eating this or that.   9 months of learning about myself and my story, how my story affects my food and exercise. 9 months of learning to actually experience emotions instead of shutting them off.  While I am super glad and thankful for all that God has done in the last year, I am just tired.

And I am only 1/4 of the way to my goal.  It is not like I am almost done and the finish line is in sight and my focus can shift a little bit.  No, folks, I am just getting started.

I know, in time things will get easier.  If I just got out there in the air, and ran…I would quickly remember that I actually like it.  I know that it won’t always be this hard. I know all the right answers…but I am tired.

In this moment, I don’t have the mental energy for all the self talk.  I just want to be tired. I know it sounds like a defeatist attitude.  But I am NOT defeated…just tired!  It doesn’t help that I have hormonal crap going on and instead of being a raging lunatic this month(which would actually help to be pissed off enough at the scale to actually make something happen) I am blessed with the blues, which certainly doesn’t help the “tired” feeling and certainly doesn’t help with the lack of motivation factor.

Tomorrow is a new day…with new choices…and Lord help me…a better frame of mind…cuz dag blast it, if I have come this far to be taken out by TIRED-NESS and PMS….awww Hell NO!  See now I am getting mad…

Just Couldn’t Shake It!

Some of you have been wondering where I have been since my last post. I have gotten the emails! For those of you that saw my highly positive posts for the first 10 weeks of 2009, you might have begun to wonder if I ever had a bad day or a “rough patch”. Well, this past week should be enough to know that yes I am indeed human. I do fail and fail miserably. Or as one might say…fail magnificently!

It has been a really rough week. For the first time in a really long time…possibly as far back as November, I went “driving for food”. I started out going to get a movie to match my already dark mood and every single convenience store, fast food place, and gas station was calling out to me…to just stop in and see what they had. Fortunately, I managed to keep the car heading straight despite the almost physical pulling of the wheel to turn in. I actually only stopped one place and exercised some measure of restraint. I WANTED to get a whole meal deal super sized plus ice cream! I ended up with one ice cream cone. Ice cream in hand I headed to the video store for my “dark” movie. Upon entering the store with said ice cream in hand…I got a text message from Aaron. Sadly, I ignored it until the ice cream cone was gone. Only to see a message that reminded me to keep my vision in front of me. GRRRR…

In the grand scheme of things, one frozen yogurt from McD’s is not all that bad actually. What makes it bad for me is that it was solely an attempt to feed the darkness in my soul. It has been a long time since it has been this bad, I truly forgot how bad it could get when all I want to do is numb out and STOP FEELING. Yet, I also know that isn’t what I want to do either. Feeling things means I am alive and well and healthy!

SO I spent a few days, each day trying again to make good choices to start afresh again and again…each time failing. It began to get so overwhelming and even more depressing. I am better than this, right? Stronger than this, right? I know what to do but is it really just a matter of making a choice to eat right? I think sometimes the choice is to just keep getting up. Even if you only stay up for 2 seconds before getting knocked down again.

Sunday, I knew might be rough, given my lingering mood. Holiday meal with family. Family who all now know about my weight loss efforts thanks to the Pound for a Cause fundraiser. While I don’t regret saying yes to this, it does add pressure. In the end, there really wasn’t anything healthy served, it was one of our typical family meals. But outside of that, the day started with mom being food police there making several comments about what I am allowed to have or should/shouldn’t have until I finally looked at her and just told her to “shut up”. Yes, I told my mom to shut up, in those words. We have already had this conversation about her not being my food police, so I feel justified. I may be wrong, but for now I feel justified.

As for quantity of food I did ok. But I have no idea about calories. In fact, I have no idea about actual calorie intake for the last week or so. While I was back and forth to GR, I wasn’t logging in my spreadsheet but I was at least keeping a mental tally. This past bit, I just didn’t.

I know this is depressing to read, but I feel a bit like this is a time for confession. Own it all, and keep going…again.

SO last night I made a decision. I am tired of the dark mood controlling me. Enough is Enough already! This madness has got to stop! I decided that on Monday (today) I would fast. I would fast and get the crappy foods out of me for at least one day. Then begin again on Tuesday. So far so good. While I am hungry and was tempted by the little danish things they had at my Census Bureau Training today, I am doing good. I feel more in control, like I have a fighting chance now! I think it helps my mood as well to have something productive to do that will bring in money. I have purpose again…at least for 4-6 weeks.

Tomorrow I weigh in. I have no expectations but am sure I will be disappointed if I I miss the 50 lb milestone again. Hopefully, the disappointment won’t be all consuming again. Reality says I should consider myself lucky if I hold steady. We will see. I have to admit, I have been tempted to “forget” to go and therefore giving myself an extra day. So instead of falling prey to that little demon, I called the Dr.’s office where I weigh in. They open at 7:30 AM. If I want a morning weigh in or to weigh in before I eat anything, I must be there by 8 AM…otherwise I have to wait and go after my training…at 5:30 PM. I would rather weigh in with nothing in me. So….tomorrow morning it will be.

For now, I am going to change out of my work clothes and go to the local track and see if I can’t walk/run something off of me.

This is me….getting up again for about the 100th time in a week…

I am!

I started out with a blog post that talked of who I am despite the body or shell that holds me. For some odd reason, I sent it on to a couple of people as a preview and got some really good feedback. The feedback I heard was that if I separate me from my body, the story is incomplete. Some might make judgements when they see my body that I am lazy, tired, uneducated, bitter, angry, lonely, sad, or unworthy. Oh how wrong those judgments would be. They are incomplete. While I have been those things at times and probably will experience those things again in my lifetime, it is not the whole picture. I am more than just my body, but my body does tell part of the story of me.

I started out my other post talking about an image I had of me, during filming, doing a standing climb on a spin bike in my sports bra and tight shorts, in front of 4 men and actually finding the image beautiful. Yet, I still continued to separate myself from it and make it not me. Fascinating friends, fascinating. Because my thoughts about the girl in the photo were and still are….beautiful, powerful, strong, courageous, amazing, inspiring, happy, focused, determined, well loved…fascinating how I separated myself from that and only associated myself with the negative judgments one might make about a fat girl. I was encouraged to sit with owning my body as me for a bit. What an amazing experience to sit with that for a bit, imagining that photo and slowly but surely coming to grips with it being me, not some random photo of some other girl, but me. In spite of the fact that my body does not look the way I want it to look (yet), it is still me. The me now…as I am…

I have been reminded my body does reflect part of my story. My past story, past decisions that were made for me and by me, past hurts and betrayals, and even past joys. AND it reflects my current decisions, my healing and the work yet to be done. What you see is not always what you get. What you see..is just the starting point to inquire and learn more.

With that said…

I AM

I am ….
both a little girl and a grown woman.
longing to be known and loved.
deserving to be known and loved.
known and loved.

I am…
beautiful and gracious
forgiving and compassionate
motivated and determined
more than merely surviving.

I am …
powerful and strong
a wounded survivor
with a grateful heart
and an indomitable spirit.

I am …
an Aunt and a Sister
A daughter and a friend
a future wife and mother
A woman created for relationship.

I am …
a runner and a spinner
a swimmer and a biker
an athlete, no, a triathlete
breaking free.

I am…ME!

But there is more…oh so much more

I have…
dreams waiting to happen
stories ready to be told
truths worth sharing
Love ready to be given.

I have…
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make.

I have…
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don’t stray

I have…
hope for today and tomorrow too
Peace within me
Mercy raining down on me
Grace sustaining me.

I have…
working hands and feet
propelling me on each day
Victory is within my reach
more healing to be had.

Grace

This week has been one of grace. Despite my angst and anger and wonderings last week of the justice and mercy of God, I feel like God has been my constant companion this week. While driving in the car alone and continuing to wonder, I have at times felt almost a physical presence with me. While walking around this city of mine, I felt as though he walked beside me. Even as I type this I know it sounds so cliche. But truly, I know I am not alone. I know that God is not going to change who He is so I can feel like justice has been done, but He is also not going to deny me the right to feel the way I do. My anger does not scare him away. And He feels no need to hurry to make me feel better about it either. He is content to sit with me while I wonder, as long as it takes. That is grace to me.

I have also been extremely thankful for the friends who have sat with me, listened, and cried with me…and also felt no pressure to fix this for me. Especially the men…who tend to be fixers anyway. It was good to be able to just talk out loud and be heard. That was grace with skin on.