Tag Archive | family

Why I Can NEVER Quit

My regular readers know that I have declared that if this last-ditch 20 week attempt with this new guy doesn’t show different results, then I am done.  Done spending money and time and emotional energy on something that doesn’t seem to want to change.  I will always workout and eat well, but the energy that I put into this will be done if Leif doesn’t find the answer to my body.

This, has been my very serious declaration for the last 10 weeks.  I have not wavered in this stance.  Until now.

The other day I was talking to my sister-in-law.  She was checking in to see how I was doing and I shared with her just a little bit of last weeks really tough week, but that I was doing better this week.

She tried to encourage me but what got to me hardcore was when she spoke of my nephew, Gavin, the 12-year-old.  The one who ran his first 5K with me a few weeks ago and has already formed a team for the Detroit Half Marathon as a relay.

She told me how on multiple occasions Gavin has brought me up in conversation about how much he admires me because I don’t give up even when I don’t get what I want.  Even without results I keep searching for the answer.  He has talked of watching me workout and seeing how hard I work.  He watches how I eat and notices what I DON’T eat even at parties and gathering where in a normal world having a treat is totally acceptable.  He has noticed my discipline.  He told his mom that he hopes he is like me, in that way.  That when he has something he really wants, that he would not give up, even when it is hard.

Dema expressed her gratitude for showing that example to her son.  For teaching him the value of hard work and discipline, no matter what.

For him, and the others, I can NEVER quit.  I can NEVER give up.  Not until the very day that God takes my very last breath from me.

I cannot teach them how to quit, to give up, or to give in to circumstances.  They are my vision for why I need to stick to this.  No.  Matter.  What.

New declaration.  Even if at the end of my 20 weeks with Leif and my body still is not changing…I am not quitting.

But really, I think Leif has the answer 😉




Go Karting And Body Image

This afternoon my 2 brothers and I spent some time together.  We were really just avoiding being home because my dad had been visiting….for 3 days straight and all of us were somewhat DONE to say the least.  But that is another story for another blog altogether I think.

Anyway, we ended up at a putt-putt/go-kart place.  Jon and I got there first and I suggested we do the go-karts while we waited for Ken. Then I had an awful thought.  “What if I don’t fit in those micro-cars?”  I am sure I could get in, but what about buckling in and then even I can do all that, how horrifying will the exit be?  All of these questions came as I watched a man, who was not an overweight man by any means, but he was rather extra-tall, struggle to get buckled in.  Seriously, it is one thing to not be able to ride cuz you are too tall.  Height cannot be controlled.  It is quite another to not be able to ride because you are too fat.

I looked at my younger brother, who is not exactly known for his sensitivity and I asked him if he thought it would work.  He looked it all over and said absolutely.

I doubted him.  He assured me he had been there go-karting recently and there was plenty of room.  He fails to see that he is smaller than I though.  I pointed this fact out to him.  He then looked around and saw a heavier woman exiting the ride.  He pointed her out and said, “see, she was able to ride!”

Ummm brother dear, she is about half my size!

He looked me up and down, looked at her and was adamant that she was at least my size!

I didn’t ride.  Neither did he. We did the batting cages instead, which now makes me want to consider a softball team next year!

But back to this body size issue.  I tend to think that people look at me and just don’t see how big I really am.  I mean, there was the time 2 winters ago that Adam thought I would fit into his XL snow pants and now he seems to think I will fit into a kayak.  Jon thinks I am the same size as this woman.  People seem so certain that if I went to Cedar Point this year, I would have no trouble on the rides.  I tend to disagree.

But now I am wondering, is the issue mine or their’s?  Who has my body size all disproportioned in their brains?  Do I see myself as bigger than I am?  Do they see me as smaller than I am?  Is the truth somewhere in the middle?   What is reality vs perception here?

Those who love me no matter what just may not see my size first like I do.  They just see me, my heart, who I am and love me no matter what.  My size doesn’t matter to them.  That is not to say they don’t see it, it just is not an issue for them like it is for me.  Therefore, do they see me as smaller than is true?

I don’t know.  I suppose it doesn’t really  matter if THEIR image of my physical body is distorted a bit…but it kinda does matter if MINE is distorted, right?

Jingle All The Way!

Saturday morning I was scheduled for my 2nd 10K race.   Now I don’t know where all of you are from, but here in MI, the weather has not been oh so delightful.  Cold.  Bitter Cold.

All week-long I was nervous.  Not about the run.  I KNEW I could run 6.2.  I had already proven that part to myself.  However, I was incredibly nervous with how cold it was.    I had some tips on how to dress but had no practical knowledge/experience to know what would really work for me in frigid temps.  With that said, I spent the week whining on Facebook about how cold it was and finally on Saturday morning my friend Mitch had had enough and called me out.  I got verbally spanked by someone other than Coach or Aaron.  Yes, folks, I have others in my life besides them who are willing to get in my face with some truth when my butt needs it.  Mitch was talking all this stuff about “Do I really want it or just say I do?” and to stop being a Sissy!

Can you imagine???  Me.  A Sissy?  Oh Heck NO! I am HARDCORE!!  Coach says so!  Yeah, I was riled. Just a bit. And grateful.

The reality was this.  Nope I didn’t REALLY want that 10k bib number for my growing collection.  I didn’t want to run that day.  Didn’t want to cross that finish line.  Didn’t want to risk the vulnerability that MIGHT show up by running for the first time with my brother and letting him in a little bit to my life.  However, I did and DO want the growing sense of life that continues to grow as I challenge myself to do the very things I don’t want to do, am afraid to do, or don’t think I can do.  Somehow that thought was greater than all the things I didn’t want on Saturday morning and greater than the desire to stay in my warm bed under my heating blanket.

I got up.

I dressed in 3 layers of shirts and brought a 4th.  Wore 2 pairs of pants.  Gloves.  My headband thingy that covers my ears.  I borrowed a friends ski mask doohickey thingamajig.  I grabbed a water bottle, heated some oatmeal up and took them both to go.  (Yes I often eat oatmeal while driving)

I arrived before my brother and got my bib number, my bag o’goodies, and the little jingle bells we all wore on our shoes so we could “Jingle All the Way!” (yes the name of this race was called the Jingle Bell Run)  In fact, I took 2 bells per shoe…I wanted to make sure I was heard!

Billy arrived and got his stuff and much to my dismay he only took 1 bell total!  He is no fun!  Seriously!

Meanwhile, I heard the announcer say something about Detroit Pistons tickets.  I LOVE Deetroiitt Basskeettballllll, so of course I had to go see what it was that was said.  They were giving away tickets and much to my delight, I got the LAST pair of tickets.

OK. I can go home now. I got out of bed and got dressed to run and now I have tickets to see my boys play ball.

Oh wait, I still have to run…something about wanting something…oh yeah…that feeling.  While I have tickets and bells, I still haven’t found what I was looking for. (Que music now)

Billy, being older and wiser than I, begins stretching.   I stand and watch.  And tease him for being so old.

Now for those of you who don’t know me personally, I can talk.  ALOT.  However, when I run, I must have music and umm I cannot talk.  Really.  I am desperate for oxygen.  I don’t have enough for my muscles, my brain AND words too.   My brother however talks more than I.

He talked while he stretched.

He talked while we were waiting for the starting whistle.

I am nervous and just wanna be in my zone for a bit…but no…he wanted to talk.

I finally told him that my music was going on…he is welcome to talk, however, if he wants me to hear him, he has to be on my left and he cannot expect me to respond.

For the first 2.5 miles, he talked. I now know every honey-do project he has been working on this past week and all the detail of how it was done.   Truth be told, I don’t care.

Then he had to go to the bathroom.  So he finally agreed to run ahead to the turnaround spot (we do the same loop twice for the 10K) and go there.  Glory be to God!!  I had 3/4 of a mile of silence!  My own head space.

I wonder how long I can stretch this out?

Quickly, he rejoined me and he brought a friend.

At mile 2 we had seen an elf on a bike zoom past, quickly followed by the lead runner who was on mile 5.   Yes, the pace Elf who leads the winner in has a 2nd job to do.  Come in with the last runners.

That would be me.

So when Billy rejoined me, we were also joined by the elf on the bike who rode with us the next 3 miles.

I thought Billy was a talker.

Now I am running with an Elf on one side and my brother on the other and both of them are the biggest talkers I ever heard.

I now know about car racing, his triathlon adventures and Boston marathon adventures (both of which I was interested in, sort of)

It was a long 3.1 miles.

But besides the talkers, the run itself wasn’t so bad.  I was actually HOT.   I took my gloves off, flipped the face mask up over my head, and had left my 4th shirt in the car.  My fears were worse than reality.  Imagine that.

The only thing that remained cold for most of the run, was my feet.

I did walk a little bit from time to time…mainly up some long slow hills and at the end, when my feet started warming up I discovered I had done something to my ankle while they were frozen.

My finish time was 1:46:17

17 seconds slower than the Turkey Trot, however I walked for a total of a 1/4 mile and there were hills here. I did good.

At one point The Elf asked me what I was going to do this afternoon to celebrate.  My response was that I would sit down.  He seemed to think that strange until I pointed out to him quite matter of factly that in case he hadn’t noticed, I don’t look like a runner yet.  And that since I am new at this, a 10K for me is the equivalent of him doing a marathon.  In other words, I might be hurting later.

In reality, I was fine.  100 times better than after the Turkey Trot.  I went to the game, climbed up into the stands, no problem.  Except my ankle hurt.  I still had my bells on so I jingle jangled my way up.  In fact, with exception to the 2 bells my niece and nephew absconded with today at church, I still have my bells on!

Of course this time I started popping ibuprofen within an hour of race finish!

oh and that feeling?  I left with it.  I might do it again.  However for those of you wondering ( I have been asked) when I am doing a half-marathon…not until I can do a 10k in 65-70 minutes.

Going Big or Going Home

I was trying to prioritize which posts to write and in which order and since the Turkey Trot is in 4 days, I figured that one should be written first so that the Post Race report is all in perspective, right!  (Even though I REALLY want to write about my artichoke experience!)

So here it is, 4 days before my first ever 10K and I have yet to run 6.2 miles straight.  In fact my longest KNOWN distance thus far has been 4 miles, done today in fact.  I say KNOWN because as you know I did go running one day for an hour and a half straight once, but I have no idea how FAR I ran.

Today it took me 65 minutes to run 4 miles.  This is good.  It means my speed is improving.  Slightly.  The work I have been doing at the gym to improve my speed (speed sprints on the treadmill) and my running class have taken almost a minute off my time.

I have 2 things that make me super nervous about the race.

1.  Can I do the distance?  If I have a good run day like today, I feel like I can.  Today I felt strong.  However, all last week, my runs totally sucked.  They were awful and every time I ran I questioned what I was doing to myself.  Is this worth it?  Should I just suck it up and go down to the 5K run instead of the 10k.  But the mere thought of that sent serious disappointment coursing through my body.  I have been really wanting to do this 10K for a while now.  The thought of not doing it was incredibly disappointing and felt like I would be letting myself down in a huge way if I didn’t even attempt to do more than I have ever done before.

2.  Can I do it in the required time?  This is a timed race.  The race starts at 8 AM and all racers must be off the course by 9:45 or they will be pulled off because the parade, which is televised, must go on!  While my time improvement in my running is good overall, I need to be able to run 6.2 miles at a 14.51 pace.  If you do the math I am currently at a 16.25 pace.  With that said, taking nearly 2 minutes off my time is going to be tough if not impossible to do and I will likely be pulled from the course, not knowing if I could have finished or not.

THAT, my friends, will be disappointing, but not nearly as much as never going for it at all.  I know this.

Some things I am hoping for/looking forward to in this, despite my keyed up nerves is this.

One of my best friends, Jen, is running with me.   We are going big together!  Thankfully, she is being completely out of character for her and is completely calm, which gives me room to freak out!

My cousin Thomas, who has run a half-marathon before, is up from TN and is running with us as well.

I am hoping that Thomas will be a stand-in “Coach” who will be able to pace and motivate me (and Jen) all the way to the finish, in the time allowed.  At least that is what the competitor in me wants.  I should probably let Thomas know that I might need him in this way.  My normal “Coach” knows this about me and just steps in.  Thomas however, is new to my family and this will be my 4th time seeing him EVER!  He doesn’t know me quite so well.

Mostly though, I hope that the three of us have FUN doing something that is “more living and less dying!”


Less Dying, More Living!

5K, 10K, or Mashed Potato Mile!

5K, 10K, or Mashed Potato Mile!

Up until this week, and since the triathlon, I have been struggling with running.  Not running exactly, but more the motivation to run.  I was talking to my friend Nicole about it and she suggested we do a race.  She would of course walk it since she does not run (yet- I will get her yet!) and I could run it.

She immediately went to her computer and looked up local 5K races and found one for us to do on Oct. 4th.  Talk about motivation to run.  Seriously.  There is nothing more motivating than signing up for a race and having that inkling of fear that unless you work, really work, there is no way you can complete it or at least there is a risk of not being able to do so.  So running has not been a struggle this week.  I not only am running 5K, but I need/want to do it in less time than my last 5K!

I went home from her house realizing that I have a long Michigan winter ahead of me and if races are what keeps me motivated, well I better start looking and seeing what is out there that will last through the winter.  After Christmas, there isn’t much.

However there is one I am quite excited about.   Every year in Detroit, there is a 5 and 10K race as well as a kids 1 mile run that precedes the Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Now, I grew up about 30 minutes outside of Detroit and have NEVER been downtown for the parade!  I thought, now THIS would be a fun race to do.  I can run, then watch the parade, then go be with my family for dinner.  I am doing it I decided!  I am gonna do the 5K.

As I looked at the website though, my thoughts kept slipping over and seeing the words “10K”.  I began to wonder if it was possible to train and be ready for a 10K by Thanksgiving!  I had no idea, but I also know I thrive on a challenge.  I am more motivated to train if it is challenging and new.  Doing a 5K would not be new.  Pretty quickly I knew.  I am NOT running the 5K.  I am doing the 10K!

So there ya have it folks.  One year after I started this whole mess I am gonna give thanks with my whole body for the ability to be able to do such a thing as this and the fact that I get to do it with a dear friend!

After I decided, I began to wonder about getting my brother, Billy, to do this with me.  How cool would it be to run a race with him, then watch the parade as a family with his kids all there!  While this sounded fun and exciting, I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to start including family in on my whole exercise/weight loss thing.  Billy in one breath has often told me I shouldn’t be running.  Then in the next breath he thinks its cool that his little sister is running.

I get it.  It is a mixture of concern and pride.  Billy is a natural athlete.  The only one of us siblings.  He played just about every sport in high school and even today is relatively fit.  He doesn’t have the 6 pack of his HS and military days, but he doesn’t have the big belly that plagues his siblings either.  My questions and concerns about including him in on this basically rested in not being able to measure up to him.  Not being as good as him.  If I invite him into this, it will be like inviting him into this whole journey.  Am I up for that?  I wasn’t sure.  At the same time, I couldn’t shake the idea of running with him.  On some level, it would symbolize an arrival of sorts.  I can now keep up with him.  But more than that, I just thought it would be really fun to be with family and to run this thing with family on Thanksgiving Day.

So I called him.  I invited him.  Alas, he cannot do it.  He reminded me why he has never taken his kids downtown for the parade.  He is in TN every year with his wife’s family for Thanksgiving!  Duh!  They have done this for 18 years!  How could I forget!  However, he did say that if their grandma wasn’t on her last legs, he would consider not going so he could run it with me.  He was actually kind of disappointed that he couldn’t!  Instead he suggested we find another 10K to do right around the same time and do that one together either before he leaves or when he comes back!

So now, in Nov/Dec. I will be doing 2-10K’s!  Crazy!!!  For the first time, I have actively invited a family member to train with me and be a part of this whole journey, on some level.  Here we go…accelerating wholeness…5000!  Living a little more, Dying a litle less!

That Girl: A Rant

Tonight, I went out with my sister-in-law and some of her friends and her Aunt to a Mary Kay party.  When you take out the fact that we are being pitched to buy really expensive make-up/facial cleansing products  or to sign up for the “opportunity” it was generally a good time to be with “the girls”.

However, it is always awkward for me being around this group.  I am sure that much of it is my own attitude because I am certain they are just trying to be encouraging and supportive, but this is what happens.  They all know that I applied for TBL and they all of course know I have lost weight.  65 lbs is noticeable.  It is a young child, after all, missing off my body.  However, I show up and the subject of conversation goes immediately to food, diet, or exercise and the latest things to make it happen that THEY are doing and that I SHOULD do as well.   This could be the latest exercise DVD that they all love and do together 3 times a week in said Aunt’s garage or it could be the latest organic food they found or vitamin supplement that our body NEEDS.  It could be the benefits of natural almonds or avocados.  But the key thing is the conversation is not WITH me, it is AT me and it is giving me unasked for advice without really caring to ask or listening to my answer when they do ask about what it is that I AM doing.

The other conversation that comes up is the “other” people they know that has lost a significant amount of weight.  Tonight, as we were walking in to this party, the Aunt pulled me back from the group to tell me something.  The friend she brought has lost 50 lbs and wants to lose 50 more.  She has told me about this friend of hers before and for whatever reason felt it necessary to POINT HER OUT to me.  So now what?  Am I supposed to go up to this woman I just met and start talking about weight loss and compare war stories with her, just because we have both lost significant amounts of weight?  Did Aunt point me out to this other woman before they even got in the car too?

Here is my beef with all of this.

There is more to me than my weight.  I have other interests, other passions.  I don’t always want to talk about food/diet or the program.  Frankly, it is in my head all the time, from the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep.  I have people I am in accountability with to really hash things out with if I need to.  But really, when I am with others, sometimes I just want to be able to forget about it for a while. I don’t always want to talk about it.  Yes, here on my blog this is all you get (not really) but 99% of what I blog about has to do with my weight or what is getting in the way of my weight loss…but that is the PURPOSE of my blog.

I am not the number that I weigh nor am I the number of pounds I have lost.  My name is not 290.2 or 65.8!  Why does an introduction have to be “Hey this is Kim, she has lost 65 lbs…isn’t that wonderful?!”  Why can’t it simply be, “Hey, this is Kim or my friend so and so…I think you guys would get along great!”  Then let us talk and decide if each of us want the other knowing such intimate details as our weights/struggles with it!  I don’t want to be introduced as/talked about as “That girl” who lost x number of lbs.  My name is Kim thank you very much.  Can that stand alone?  Can that be enough of an introduction…then let me decide how I want to be known by that person?  Can who I am be enough without having to qualify it with what I am doing?

I know, I sound whiny.  These people love me and they want to be encouraging.  They are well-meaning people with good intentions.  They are proud of my lbs lost.  They are proud of me.  Which is the only reason I don’t say anything.

So I rant here instead. 🙂

Faster Than A Speeding Bullet!

I was too tired to write this story last night, so here it is.

I was going to use Sunday as my day off from running or swimming since I would be at a family gathering all day.  However, I realized later that the gathering is at a lake and that there may be possibility of  doing a lake swim, which is the best kind of training swims for me.  I had hopes.  It all depended on if it was an all sports lake with speedboats racing around or not.  If it was, then there would need to be someone that was willing to ride in a paddle boat or canoe or something near me so that the speedboats don’t run me over!

Paddle boaters were needed and available.

First of all, when I decided to swim across the lake, this apparently became the big event of the day!  I could hear conversations about “oh Kim is gonna cross the lake” and the like…all in some measure of aww or concern!  My nieces and nephews were quite excited to see this and I had cheering fans standing on the dock yelling “GO Auntie GO!  (Guess my fans follow me across the state!)

In my first attempt, mom was in the paddle boat with my younger cousin.  I start swimming.  They start pedaling. Since I am working on swimming in a straight line with my head in the water, I am not hearing the yelling going on …far behind me.  I turn to look and the boat is about 60 yards behind me and I hear mom yelling “Kimberly Anne!!  Stop swimming…we can’t do this!”

WHA????  Yeah, mom can’t pedal like it is needed to actually go somewhere in a paddle boat.  I am too fast for this boat with these peddlers.  So, I swim back to shore….the boat eventually makes it back…and we get my older brother to pedal along with said cousin and just in case a change up is needed, his mom.

We head back out.  This time I am aware enough to keep checking on the progress of the boat but had high hopes that with 2 guys pedaling they would be able to keep up with this turtle of a swimmer.

No such luck.  Apparently when I am pitted against a paddle boat, I can win every time!

I look back and realize they are about 50-60 yards away from me and….wait a second…they are pedalling…but they are not moving anywhere…except in circles.

I start floating on my back and laughing.  So much for a great non stop swim across the lake and back…

My fans are continuing to yell and cheer for me(they are not bored yet)…then they realize that the boat isn’t going anywhere and Gavin starts yelling…”Get the biggest person out of the boat!!!”  Umm yeah that would put his father in the water…not gonna happen!

I swim over to the boat  and grab the string and was laying down all sorts of smack talk about how I can swim and pull them in the boat faster than they can move in a straight direction!

It was actually kind of working until….my young cousin jumped out of the boat and started pushing from behind and almost ran me over!!  (And I thought I had to worry about getting run over by speedboats!)

I went to the back and young cousin and I decided to push the boat.  So my “Swim” became an hour long session of getting to work on my kicking technique.  With us kicking from behind and controlling the rudder from behind…and the riders pedaling…sort of…we went quite a distance around the lake.

It was all fine and dandy until I got a SERIOUS cramp in my foot.

I don’t think I am really faster than a speeding bullet.  That would be coach.  But apparently I AM faster than a speeding paddle boat!