Remembering…The Last 100 Pounds

This morning, I woke up to an email from my Doctor.  I had emailed her last night to ask her what my highest recorded weight was.  I don’t know why I did this.  I knew the answer.  356.  I also knew I was SO very close to hitting 100 pounds lost, I could taste it, and had been holding off on scheduling my annual physical because I wanted to go and have hit this milestone.

Her email response said that her charts indicate that in 2006, I weighed in with her at 368.

So many emotions hit me at once, I quickly became overwhelmed.

Oh my gosh!  I made it!, was my delighted reaction.

Oh my gosh! I was bigger than I thought!, was my regretful reaction.

Oh NO! I missed it!, was my panicked reaction as I realized that I had hit this mark a few weeks ago!

I had been anticipating this milestone for a while now, knowing I was getting close.  I finally believed it could happen and I had been dreaming of exactly how I would celebrate this momentus occasion, this obvious reflection of my hard work and commitment.   I wasn’t prepared to find out that I had already hit this huge milestone, and then to be alone on the day I found out with absolutely no plan in place for celebration and then realizing, that those which whom I would really want to celebrate with, those who have journeyed with me into the dark places of my heart so I wouldn’t get lost in there, are all far away.  So it feels very anticlimactic and yet I feel like this is a really REALLY big deal and should be given time and space.  And, even if those who know my heart well were close by, I would have no answer as to how to celebrate this at all.

So an online friend from my LAF family suggested I take some time and reflect a bit…and so I am…I am remembering the last 100 Pounds.  Perhaps in the reflection I will find what I am looking for and perhaps a lesson or 2 to be learned.  This post might get lengthy, but that’s ok.  Today’s writing is for me, and me alone.

100 pounds and counting….

2006 was the year “Coach” and I became friends.  It was also the year that I decided I was going to get serious about my weight.  I had acknowledged my issues with sexual abuse(I would soon learn that acknowledgement is not the same as dealing with it) and I knew how I hid and ran and lied about food.  Coach, and a few others were on board to help support me. 60 lbs later, I derailed. I wasn’t ready to face my sexual abuse history head on, and until I was, nothing would work.

In 2007 I half assed it.  I was kind of in but not really.  God was pursuing me to look at the issues of my heart and my past and how I used food to self protect and I was NOT letting him catch me.   Not fully anyway.  This was the year I started counseling.

2008 is where it really began.  I was caught, by God, and I surrendered.  I allowed myself to be led down a path towards healing and wholeness all while embarking on what I declared to be my final quest for weight loss.  I remember, the really painful days of looking at the ugliness within me and the ugliness done to me.  I remember the sweetness and the security of a few good men God placed in my life to show me that men can be safe and trustworthy and good.  I remember how well I was and am loved.  God knew I needed men to take a stand in my life FOR me and my how they did.

I remember so much joy, and celebration over the last few years.  I remember the time I found the courage to do one leg of a triathlon.  Then 2 legs the following year and Coach ran with me to make sure I didn’t walk.  I remember dragging Adam to all sorts of aerobics, yoga, and Pilates classes at the gym. I remember the rallying of friends who said friends don’t let friends run alone and drove with me to TN for my first and 2nd half marathon.  I remember doing my first full triathlon.

And I remember all of this being overshadowed by the fact that no matter what I did, my body seemed to betray me at every turn.

So now, I find it unbelievable that this milestone kind of crept up on me.  In my mind, it was coming and I knew it and I was excited.  But I had a different number in my mind.  When I woke up, prior to reading the email, there was a strong possibility that I would reach that milestone today and if not, soon. In my mind, I was only 4 lbs away.   So, it was shocking to say the least to realize I had already passed this milestone.

And so now I sit in wonder.  How does one celebrate 100 lbs lost?  How does one appropriately honor the hard work, the tears, the frustration, the trust and the victory that is all wrapped up in this 3 digit number?  How does one honor the relationships that have sustained me through really hard moments?   How does one bring enough glory to a God who truly has saved me and brought me new life?  In so many ways, the need and desire to celebrate this moment has both nothing and everything to do with the number.  I don’t know that there are answers to these questions, but I am now taking suggestions.

In the meantime, these lyrics speak so much truth about my journey and how I feel in this moment.

There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I’d reached the end, baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays

This is my now and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around I can’t believe the love I see
My fear’s behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now

I had to decide, was I gonna to play it safe?
Or look somewhere deep inside, try to turn the tide
And find the strength to take that step of faith?

This is my now and I am breathing in the moment

As I look around I can’t believe the love I see
My fear’s behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now

But I have a courage like never before, yeah
I’ve settled for less, but I’m ready for more
Ready for more!

Tate, I am so ready for more. Ready to do something REALLY brave and lose this last 100.  You with me?  We have another milestone to reach my friend, 100lbs WITH YOU!

Just A Little Progress In 2012

When You Don’t Give Up

 

I don’t know that anything more needs to be said.  I am incredibly grateful, in this moment for my friends who have stood by me the last 4 years, putting up with my crazy days and helping me to never give up, quit, walk away or hide.   I am grateful for the continuous encouragement and support and even the really dumb things people say that help fuel my fire to keep going!

I am further grateful to the Leif Anderson Team (Leif and Tate) for putting together a nutrition and training strategy that would keep my body burning fat and moving forward week after week.  They too have put up with no small amount of the Kim Krazies on occasion and there is not enough money in the world to pay them for that.  Friends kind of have to put up with it, but these guys don’t, and did.

Then there is the LAF Family.  Others who have gone before me or are with me on this journey or are on their own journey with very different goals but similar methods who have rallied around each other.  We have cheered each other on.  Cried with each other on the disappointing or hard days and helped pick each other back up when we have fallen down.

But mostly, I am thankful to Jesus this year for healing my heart, making me whole, and letting it finally start to be reflected in my body.    As my dear friend Mike (aka Coach, and the guy in the NYC picture) once told me, “It is because I have been freed that I am now free to order my body in such a way that it reflects my freedom!”

 

WS#5 Know Your Boundaries/Limits: It’s OK To Say No

When I first started aggressively trying to lose weight and get healthy 4 years ago one of the big struggles that I had to get beyond was people pleasing.

Oh there is a party going on?  With food?  Sure I can come.  Just a  little bit won’t hurt.

However, I am a social butterfly, and at that time, I lived in Grand Rapids where I had a very active social life.  3-4 nights a week of gatherings of some sort turned into more than a little bit.

As I traveled this road, I came to realize that I didn’t have to do everything I was invited to and I certainly didn’t have to accept every dish passed my way.  My friends, those who truly supported me, would NOT be offended if I passed on their food offerings.

When I signed up with Leif Anderson Fitness 34 weeks ago, I knew that at the end of my 20 week package I would be able to walk away confidently knowing I had done everything possible to lose weight.  Since I knew this, I also knew I had to give it everything I had so that I could walk away without any regrets. No lingering doubts of, “if only I had or had not…” would be able to be in my mind.  Leif had also told me pretty directly that if I worked the plan, 100%, there is no way he could not keep my body losing.  I set out to prove him wrong by doing everything right. (side note: I failed at times at being perfect.  Go Figure.)

What this 100% commitment translated to in reality was what some might consider extreme.  I skipped a family Easter dinner because I knew that I was not in a place mentally/emotionally to go to a gathering and eat on plan.  I took a small amount of heat for that from family and it was kind of depressing to spend Easter alone, but I figured if I can get my weight under control, I will have at least 50 more Easter dinners.  If I don’t, my Easter dinners are numbered.  I chose an extreme short-term measure based on how I felt in the moment in regards to food for the vision of a long and healthy life.

Often I will decline invitations to things based on how I feel about food.  At first, I didn’t explain why and later I began to explain and as my friends saw my results they totally supported my decision to remain steadfast in my commitment, no matter what.

Now, I don’t always say no to things.  There are plenty of times I feel in complete control and will go and meet friends for dinner.  I will have already eaten my dinner and will merely sit with them while they eat and I will drink a diet soda.  At first this was weird, but again, as friends saw my intense commitment to my journey and that nothing was going to stop me, they stopped questioning me and really started supporting me.

Often, they ask when my next free meal is, so we can do dinner out without breaking plan.  Some have joined me for cardio on occasion.   Others have asked what my meal plan is for that week and invited to cook for me, then cooked according to my plan.  When people love and support you, they are willing to make adjustments to be able to spend time with you in a way that is supportive.

Yes, at first it is weird to say no often and to set firm boundaries based on what you can handle in a given moment.  For this people pleasing girl, it felt incredibly selfish to be making such demands on where and what we do.  What I discovered though is that this is MY journey.  People love me.  I don’t say that in an arrogant way, just a matter of fact.  My friends and family love me and they support me to the extent of my commitment.  If I am wishy-washy in my stance, they will be to.  If I stand firm in what I can and cannot do or handle they will rise up and stand firmly beside me and they will do it gladly.

All of these paragraphs ultimately say this…it’s ok to say no and it’s ok to set boundaries.  This is your life.  Do whatever it takes to accomplish the goal.  One day you might be able to handle ordering off of a menu, other days you might not without deviating from plan.  Know your limits.  Check in often with yourself and act accordingly.  Your true friends will love you, respect you more, and rise to the occasion to support you as you take bold steps to take back your life.

and…don’t be afraid to let people in on what you are doing and to ask for help.

We are not meant to live life alone.  I could not have lost 78 lbs without the help, love and support of my friends.  They could not have supported me well unless I was clear about what I needed.  Give them a chance to support you, say no as often as you need to.  Know your limits.

Living In The Tension Of What Is and What Is To Come

It has been a while since I have busted out the “Kim’s Translation” of the Bible and it is about overdue 😉 (This one came with a little help from my Pastor in trying to communicate this concept, Thanks Jim)

There is a theology/thought/belief/biblical idea about the Kingdom of God being here, but not yet.

Pause.

Say what??

I know, sounds kind of crazy, right?  Here, but not really?  What does this mean?

Let me ATTEMPT to explain, but remember, I am no theologian, I am just a girl working out her faith and learning along the way.  My understanding of the Bible will change over time as I grow, but for today, this is how I understand it, with help from Jim!

So, Jesus came to earth to fulfill a promise(or several promises really)  He came that we might have life, abundant life.  Overflowing life.  Life to the full. He came to bring His Kingdom, His ways, His power, to earth, to give it to us and when He returned to heaven, he left His Spirit with us…so we can have those things.

The problem.  We are still on earth, and while we are now the Temple for the Holy Spirit and it/he resides in us, It does not reside in all because not all have received it/him.  And, we are not in heaven yet, and we still live in a world that has sin all around us every day, and often we (I) are the perpetrators of such sin.

So we have this promise of abundant life and yet because of the sin in the world and in our lives, we don’t get to experience the fullness of that hope and promise yet.

Think of it this way, Grandma is baking her best cookies for you.  You love these cookies.  They are the best cookies ever!  She puts them in the oven and then hands you the spoon to lick.  You savor that spoon and can’t wait til those cookies are done.  You have just had a foretaste and you KNOW these cookies, in all due time, will be AMAZING and you can hardly wait. You watch the timer.  You count the minutes.  You wait in anticipation for the FULLNESS of what is to come.

That is what it means to say that the Kingdom of God is here, but not yet.

Now,what the heck does this have to do with anything I have ever written about?

Well, in this here, not yet idea, lies a tension.  A tension to want to push the process, to speed things up, to manipulate the thermostat to make those cookies get done quicker vs waiting patiently for the process to happen in the best way possible under the absolutely best conditions…and according to the Master’s GREATEST plan.  Grandma’s cookies are the best because she knows what she is doing.  Let her do her thing!

So, I am realizing, my journey is alot like this.  Just as God has begun a good work in me and will see it to completion, Leif has also begun a good work in my body and has restored great hope for me that my body is in fact NOT BROKEN and can and will lose weight.

In the last month, I have struggled with the tension of trusting Leif and Tate with their GREATEST plan for my body that will help to fulfill their promise to me of achieving lasting fat loss.  In the restoration of hope in this area, dreams I never knew I held within me were released into my soul and I began to anticipate what it might be like to be at goal.  I began to dream of things I never dared to dream before.  Dreams of perhaps wearing a bikini was a big one even if for only one day before realizing I am far to modest for that. But really the idea that if I wanted to I COULD wear one and really own it and work it!

More and more though, my body has been shifting and changing and while I am starting to look amazing in clothes, I know what lies underneath those clothes and that underneath those clothes, a time has come where I have had to start wearing Spanx, or some version of them, aka a girdle(this was a hard place to be in to have to buy and wear this article of clothing).   I see in the mirror all the loose skin and the unevenness in which my weight is coming off.  It is not pretty folks. In fact, it has been devastating.  I think, or at least it feels like, I have cried more this past month than I did during the 2 years when I was actively engaging my sexual abuse healing/therapy.  Now, that might not be true, given that I am a bit removed from that time, but sheesh, it sure feels like it.

I have begun to worry about what is to come and if those dreams that were birthed in me along with renewed hope would ever come true.  Or if I will have to find a very rich man to marry who can pay for skin removal surgery.  In all of this I have found myself angry at both Leif and Tate for bringing me to such a place that I would dare dream of something that just doesn’t seem possible, in this moment, in this mirror image that I see when I am naked and alone.

So I find myself in this tension of both hope and despair.  Hope and excitement of what IS happening and what is to come…and realizing I need to let go of some of those dreams of things I cannot control so that the cards can be played out.  A tension of trust vs control.  I have two men who know what they are doing.  They are the BEST cookie makers in the business, if you will.  Me begging them to give me all the ins and outs of their recipe in the moment is NOT going to make things happen any faster or better.  If I understood exactly what was happening, I would be tempted to manipulate and control things instead of simply trusting these two body whisperers.

Now just because I finally have words to explain where I have been this past month doesn’t make it any easier.  I have had to put blinders on like they do on a horse at a parade so that I can’t see all that is around me and be distracted.  Despite my chaotic emotional state that has felt crazy as I live out the tension, I have had to do whatever was necessary to stay true to the plan, nutritionally and training wise.  I have had to stop looking at new friends results and comparing their journey’s to mine.   During this time, I have gotten ugly.  Ironic, since my journey is about becoming beautiful, the kind of beautiful that Jesus would behold!

I have NOT represented myself or Jesus well.  I could blame it on “Dieter’s Rage” but that would be me not taking responsibility for my life and actions.  Daily, it has been a battle and as I wrestled with trusting these two men, particularly Tate, I have lashed out and said some really ugly things.  Hurtful things.  I realize in hindsight that I just wanted to feel like I had some semblance of control over some piece of all of this journey.  Slowly, I am learning…in Faith, my job is to trust Jesus where He leads and He has led me to these men. In my body transformation, my job is to trust these two and to not treat them poorly when they hold the line for me.   Fortunately, for me, Jesus is a master at forgiveness, and Leif and Tate don’t take it personal when I lash out, and they too forgive me.

For now though, I have my 60 lbs lost, my foretaste of what is to come, if I would trust the process.  I have the promise, it is mine to collect on, but it’s not all the way here.  Yet. It is a journey, a process, and I am not done yet.

Tension.

A picture of hope, me-mid process. 2 photos taken a year apart, although really, all the change has happened in the last 6 months.

The Need For Perspective

This weekend I have decided to take a Facebook sabbatical in an effort to gain some perspective by eliminating distraction from spending some much-needed time writing and processing some things out.  At the rate things are going, I am not sure how long I will last.  This social butterfly is feeling pretty isolated from the online community that encourages each other most and am feeling pretty crabby about it.  In fact, I could go eat the entire batch of banana nut bread I made into mini loaves for future free meals, very easily right now.  I never realized how much I have come to rely on my FB community for support.

So what prompted this?

The last for years (somewhat chronologically). 2008-current(August 2012)

This photo did.  The other night, mom made me take a picture for her as she prepared to go have dinner with some long-lost cousins of hers.  She wanted a current picture of me.  Well, she also had some old pictures of me which were awful.  Not just because of my size in them, but she managed to choose pictures of me at my worst!  So I went in search of some before pictures for her that she could show her cousins.  I get it.  She is proud of me and wants to brag.  I can’t very well steal her joy so I might as well find pictures I am willing to let people see!

In the process of searching for a couple of pictures, I ended up putting together this collage of photos.  The memories of where most of these photos were taken bring me great joy!

That first pic is me dancing in delight as I was told I would get to milk a cow while in Kosova!  The picture with the tank top and bib number is my first ever 5K and really the first time I did 2 legs of a triathlon relay.  Coach  had run it with me to ensure I ran the whole way and had just peeled off to let me finish on my own!  Others are at various triathlons or the half marathons I have done.  One was at the big Premiere night of my TBL audition video!  What a fun night that was!  The more formal looking ones were taken as photos to go with my TBL applications.  The last one…is the one I took for mom.

I ended up posting this picture on FB and getting a huge response from people.  It became overwhelming actually. My phone began to blow up from all the notifications of people “liking” or commenting on my picture.  All very encouraging things!  I should have been elated.  Instead I found myself more and more sad as the day went on.

I look at this picture, and I see so many things.  I see the accomplishments in the races.  I remember all of the love and support I have gotten over the years from so many.  I see the drastic change from even 6 months ago til now.

and I see…very clearly how little things were changing in the last 4 years, until now. I see my weight fluctuating up and down.  I see all the wasted years.  I see and remember how very hard the last years have been and it makes me sad.  I know I SHOULD focus on the now and the fact that I have found Leif and Tate and that history is not repeating itself again.  But if  I am really honest, despite all the hope I have, there is a piece of me that still doubts.  At least today, in these moments.

For this moment, I am sad.  For this moment, I am angry that NO ONE, including doctors seem to know what Leif knows about the body and how to keep it from plateauing.  I am frustrated that I had to get to the point I was before I found him, or he found me rather.   For this moment, I am filled with regret.

So this is one of the primary reasons for a sabbatical.  I need some time to process this in more than status update snippets where fewer people are likely to try to talk me out of my feelings or to invalidate them.

I realize they are wonky.  I realize that there is a lot of BOTH/AND going on.  I realize that it isn’t ALL sadness and woes, much is exciting and fun. These feelings are mine.  They are real and valid and I refuse to stuff them and so I realize the need to pull back a bit and look at the big picture…and gain a little perspective.