Tag Archive | trust

One Giant Leap For Kim…

Before I begin, a reminder, that the Between Season’s Summer Challenge has begun!  There are a few people who said they were in, that I am waiting on starting weights for, but all in all, it is not too late to get in on this.  So far, we have 13 people challenging/spurring each other on to the finish!  Let’s DO this Thang!

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I was back in GR this weekend and had an absolute fantastic time, of course!!  I was about to write “But here was the absolute best part…” and 4 things (or more) come to mind.  SO let me rephrase. There was one part of the weekend that probably has the most significance in my journey and that happened Friday Night.

Here is some background.

Exactly 1 year ago, this week, I was at a retreat center where I shared my story of sexual abuse in all of the detail I can remember, for the first time ever.  It was painful and hard, but oh so powerful.  While at this retreat, I felt very clearly like God was inviting me to look at my abuse story, very intentionally, through a program called Retelling.  I have resisted this invitation for a few years at this point when friends have invited me.  This time I felt like God was inviting me and that He was saying to me, “Kim, if you would look at this part of your life, in this way, there will be something big and beautiful in it for you, and I want you to do this.  However, no matter what you choose, My heart and My intention is to heal you anyway.”  It was such a tender invitation, not a demand or an expectation or a challenge.  I said yes.

I had to wait until September for the next session of Retelling to begin, which is really a 12 week class.  However, that did not mean that I was not thinking about this subject all summer long.  This past year has been incredible despite continued unemployment, despite really hard stuff, all because I knew I was not alone.

God has been such a gentleman this past year.  Always encouraging me and inviting me further than I FEEL like I want to go.  Never putting pressure on me when I am CERTAIN I don’t want to go somewhere.  Always assuring me of His love.  Simply sitting with me when I need to stop and assess.   Always leading the way but never dragging me along.  He seems to be able to lead while staying right by my side.  And for the last 7 months, He has allowed me to fully feel some pretty intense feelings of anger and betrayal that have put me in a place of not feeling like I can fully trust Him.  He has been ok with that.  It is not a problem for God for me to have honest feelings or to express them honestly.  He doesn’t get angry or frustrated.  He doesn’t walk away and give up. If anything, He moves in closer and says, “When you are ready to talk about this, I am here.”  Then He waits.  A gentleman I tell you.  A true gentleman.

I think I wrote about this about a month ago, about how I feel like God was saying, “we are no longer going to walk on this road with distrust between us, it is time Kim.”  I knew then, it was time to really deal with this issue and I, too, wanted to be done with it.  I was ready to move on, but I didn’t know how.   What does forgiveness look like, when you are looking at a person who has not been in your life for 27 years and you will never see again?  What does trust look like?  How do you make those 2 things happen when neither is something concrete?

Well, here is the conclusion I have come to.  Forgiveness for me is about letting the man go that abused me.  Letting go of my hold on what his punishment may be by God one day.  Letting go of any expectation of God to “deal with him” in any way.  It means knowing that God IS pursuing his heart as much as He pursues mine and allowing that to be ok.  It means trusting that whatever God does, He ultimately knows best, and I do not have to try and play God or tell God what is right and just and true.   And all of this still does not mean that God is any less sad or angry about what happened either.  He simply has better perspective than I do.

So, while talking one night to ABS about all of this stuff, we decided that he for his reasons, and I, for mine, should take a symbolic Leap of Trust into a pool. ( I don’t jump into pools…I don’t jump at all!)   So on Friday night, I went to GR, and ABS and I both shared parts of our stories and what this jump meant to us. I made a declaration of trust. A choice to trust God fully and completely and to really give this man to Him.  Then we jumped, together, while holding hands like school children, because in our minds, no one should ever have to jump alone!

It was cold!  It was significant.  It was far less emotional than I thought it would be. It was significant. There were just a few present, Coach, Aaron, Adam, ABS, and Phil ( a pastor friend/mentor of ABS and Coach) and Scottie showed up in the middle, not knowing WHAT was going on.  But here is the really significant thing. God is soo amazingly cool in this.  I had read that wounds happen in relationship. Therefore, what better place to have healing take place than in community, in relationship. My wound, my scars, are from the hands of a man and his twistedness. My healing, my provision from God has been a community of men, strong men, trustworthy men, honest men, men who have walked with me, cried with me, cried FOR me, who don’t judge me, men who find me beautiful, men who see what I don’t, men who call me to greatness, men who believe in me.  Friends.  I am beyond blessed.  Beyond understanding.  I can look back over my life, especially the last year, and see all the ways God set me up for Friday night.  How can I not trust this Gentleman God of mine?

Much harder than I ever Expected

About 3 years ago I seriously started my weight loss journey after attending a Discovery Seminar and coming to understand what I now know to be the very beginnings of what my weight is for me. My weight started as a direct result of childhood sexual abuse. It has become so much more over the years. But as you will read, knowing doesn’t make it any easier to change it.

I did a Dr. monitored 800 calorie diet and lost 60 lbs rather quickly. It was exciting and even thrilling to have lost so much weight so fast! But 800 calories! Seriously! I don’t recommend this method, even if a doctor is monitoring it. It just is not healthy or sustainable. At some point you will have to increase your calories and unless you are doing serious exercise to counter the additional calories (which I was not)you will gain it all back…as I did.

Then I decided to gather a team of close people in my life, who were willing to take a stand with me and support me in this. I had a 1 year commitment with this small group of people. I told them how I hide and even lie when necessary to make excuses for my failures. I lost some weight. I don’t remember how much, but at some point in that year I had one too many weeks of gain or no loss, got discouraged and slowly faded away from my team.

Last year I decided that I would try out for the Biggest Loser. Over the last couple years I had learned some things about myself. Serious things that hold me back from losing weight even though to be healthy is what I really want. But hey, I am committed now and maybe doing this on TV in front of the world will make it easier. After all I usually do well in competition. It is a great motivator for me. I didn’t make the show, but I put my application video on You Tube then told all my friends about it, who told their friends, and of course any random person who did a search for Biggest Loser on you tube watched that video. In 2 months time, over 1500 people saw that video. I spent much of the last year discouraged that my energy and commitment didn’t last or wasn’t enough to make significant weight loss happen. And it didn’t help that I was getting questioned about it all the time.

I thought that if I were committed enough, dedicated enough, had enough support around, was honest enough, and vulnerable enough that somehow all of that would be enough to motivate me to go to the gym and to eat healthy. But my reality is this. My weight has served me well for 27 years. It has done the job that I set it up to do and now that I don’t want that job to be filled anymore I have 27 years of habit and beliefs and fears built up around this. I don’t know what thin would look like for me. And I don’t know what else will come up along this journey to stop me. What I do know is that this is more than a physical issue, but a heart issue. It has as much to do with my relationship with God as it does my relationship with food. Often I have put food first, trusting it to make me feel safe and comforted instead of trusting God to be that for me.

Where I am at today. I am not making the weight loss a big deal. Yes, I am doing this blog which might seem like a big deal…but in reality, not many people know about this yet. Yes I text/email my new weights each week to about 3-4 people, but not so much for accountability as much as for me to acknowledge what I have or have not done. I try to make good choices each day, but to be honest I don’t count every calorie that goes in my body nor do I shame myself for having that cookie. When the urge to eat for some reason other than hunger overwhelms me, and I want to eat a whole box of cookies, I am working at letting a few into that struggle with me. It feels like I am less alone in it that way and it becomes easier to manage.

What IS a big deal is learning to trust God more and more with my heart. Food has been my idol and it rears its ugly head all the time and this time I want God first. This has been much harder than I ever expected. I have yo yo’d the last couple weeks. This would normally be frustrating for me. But I know that the last couple weeks have been really hard to trust God. I know that although most of the time I made good choices about food, I had a really hard time getting to the gym. I also recognize that while I have gotten better about letting people into the food struggle, I have not been so good about letting people in to the exercise struggle. I have many thoughts on that, but that will have to be another blog…this one is already long enough.

There is much to be learned on this journey of trust, healing and health but I refuse to give up. I am a pretty stubborn person and I refuse to give up just because it is hard! But it is much harder than I ever expected.