Weigh In, Employment, And Brothers

For the last year and a half, I have been unemployed.  I have had a ton of time to look at my life and my issues and to focus solely on those things as I worked to lose weight.  That time is coming to an end.  I got the call yesterday morning that the job I have been interviewing for and hoping for (trying not to) is mine!

I start on Monday and I have no idea what my employment package includes.  All I cared about during the  call was that I got the job, a job, any job.  I have had a year and a half of “vacation” time, so when she said those details, I didn’t care.  I also don’t recall when I am eligible for benefits of any kind.  I am sure there are some, I just don’t know what or when.

Good thing they are sending it all to me in writing.

After accepting the job and immediately calling a whole bunch of people to tell them the news I began to think about how things are going to need to change.  This life of running whenever I FEEL like it are over.  Running/exercise will happen whenever it NEEDS to happen.  It will have to be scheduled and completed as scheduled.  And as fall closes in, it means outside of weekends, my beautiful trail runs are likely over because it will be too dark by the time I get home from work!  The track, the treadmill or the pavement will become my new places to run.  It is good I work best under pressure, perhaps this will be a good thing for my workouts!

Then I began to think, what am I going to wear?  Ironically, it is one of the first things Aaron asked me too for now and for on going as I continue to shrink!  The last time I had to wear business attire on a regular basis I was 65 lbs heavier.  I think I might have at least 2 pair of dress slacks from another time of losing weight that may fit, but I think all my blazers/suits are too big as are most of my blouses.  Sorting is happening this weekend then I will have to take all the far to big stuff somewhere to be altered (CAROLLYN!!!!  HELP!!)

In the meantime, my brother Ken wanted to go  out last night to celebrate!  We went out for drinks and when I arrived he tossed a bank envelope on the table and said that it was for me!  I was confused and looked.  Inside was a wad of cash!  I looked at him, puzzled.  He said I would need some new clothes that fit me if I am gonna work in a bank!  So incredibly generous and kind and thoughtful!  And since he is such an understated type person, he will likely kill me for bragging about him…but you don’t know me or him, not really, so I am gonna brag anyway!  I have the best brother!

What an end to what was looking to be a discouraging week!  On Tuesday, I was quite discouraged after my weigh in.  I lost 1 lb.  I know, it is a loss.  I should have been excited!  But I wasn’t.  I knew I had done amazingly well all week with both food and exercise.  When I looked in the mirror, I could suddenly see the beginnings of dimples in my cheeks and so I FELT like I had lost a significant amount.  Until I weighed in I felt great about my progress and what the scale would reveal.  So I was disappointed to say the least.  I recognize the irrationality (is that a word) of this.  It is certainly not a healthy way to think and not a path I want to wonder down for very long.

I have been considering giving up the scale for 1 month and weighing in then and see what that does to how I relate to the scale.  I have preached enough that the scale is just objective feedback on the work done during the week.  It is not the only way to measure whole health.  I mean, it was so evident to me when I was feeling great and then my whole mood shifted after my date with the scale.  I don’t want the scale to define me or my attitude.  At the same time, I know that if I don’t have feedback on a regular basis it will be difficult to pinpoint what I am doing wrong or right.  My decision on this is not made yet.  I am holding out on that decision for now as I have also realized that there are some hormones at work that should not be allowed to have a say in this.

It is a tough line to walk with the scale and that number. I know it is how I relate to it that makes the difference.  So I will decide next week after conferring with my people!  Stay tuned!

Until then, do all you can and let the number be what it is…

Mixed Bag O’ Nuts

A post full of randomosity…

I had a fantastic interview today.  The two potential supervisors seem to have a fondness for sarcasm and teasing.  I would fit right in with either of them as my boss.   The interview was more like an easy conversation among friends.   Completely comfortable.  I didn’t feel like I was reaching for answers or trying to spin anything to make it sound slightly better.   After an hour and fifteen minutes, they ended the interview.  I will know by Friday if they want me back for a 2nd interview.  If I get hired, I would be working by October 5th.  Despite all of this, I find myself staying as low key as possible about it, downplaying it, afraid to hope, and not wanting to let myself want this too much.

After the interview, I went and weighed in.  I had started a new page last week that logged my daily calories and how much time I spent exercising, each day.  Nothing big, nothing crazy, just an additional line of accountability for myself since I knew I was starting to fade away and hide.  Whether anyone looks at it or not is not the point, the point is that each day I know I have to write it down.  Here.  On the blog.  Knowing I had this log, I knew my calorie intake last week was good.  Great actually!  Only one day I went over calories.  I didn’t work out as much as I thought I did though.  But despite that, my calorie level is such that even if I didn’t exercise, I should be losing 1 lb a week.   All this to say, I was excited for today’s weigh in.  I was actually looking forward to seeing the scale and then the jubilant text I would send to Coach and Aaron.   As I drove there from the interview, I just kept thinking I am gonna get to send a double good text (interview and a loss!)  But that was not in the cards today.  Somehow I gained 2.1 lbs this week.

I am very frustrated and discouraged and yet I know I did the work.  The scale just is not my friend this week.  It will come next week.  At least that is what I am telling myself until I believe it and until then, I keep doing the work…and trying to avoid the super size bag of Tootsie rolls mom bought!

The Biggest Loser started tonight.  In fact it is on now as I write this.  Part of me wishes I was there.  Part of me is glad I am not.   Part of me is grateful for the painstakingly slow process I am in, because the chances of regain are much less this way.  Part of me wishes I could put the process on warp speed.   I want to be there and yet I don’t.  I just saw one woman almost quit and I thought “Seriously??  You are gonna throw this opportunity away?  My opportunity?  You are gonna throw away?”  Then as I watched all the drama unfold, each of the contestants have some sort of life tragedy that has contributed to where they are today.  I thought, my story would fit right in here.  Except it won’t, because my story no longer has me, I have it! (At least most of the time anyway)  I am not saying I am better than all those contestants…I am just in a different place.  I have already begun coming to terms with my “stuff” and dealing with it and working on the weight loss.  I just wouldn’t have provided any  drama.  But I am still disappointed I am not there.  Grrrr… hate that!

I got a road bike!  I officially have all the tools I need to be able to do all three legs of a triathlon next spring/summer. I will post pictures of the bike and the ridiculous story of how I got it soon!  Remind me if I forget, it is funny!