I have been asked to write again and I have been planning to write about my new eating plan Daniel has me on but that is not what is on my mind tonight.
Tonight, a Sara Groves song is playing in my head, called How is it Between Us? Sara works lyrically to try to describe a feeling she is having when she wakes up and she can’t quite grasp it in words but the feeling leads her to ask, How is it between us Lord?
This morning, I had a weigh in for a work contest (yes, I have to weigh in every 2 weeks, ugh…I had just laid down the scale, but that is another story) and discovered that in the last 2 weeks, I lost 1 pound. This should be exciting and good news and positive, right? Unfortunately, as my co-workers came out that old jealousy and bitterness that I was feeling pre-exorcism came back with a vengeance and it was a battle all day long to NOT sink into that place. One lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks and I KNOW she eats fast food every day for lunch and doesn’t workout!
It is not easy to avoid that dark place so as that song played in my head I felt like God was asking me that question. Kim, How is it between us? This is my response.
I feel like this weight issue is a thing between us. I feel like you only hear me when I get desperate about it and really angry but really nothing changes. I know you have a plan for me and my life, but my weight is not just weight for me. It is the thing that seems to have everything else on hold. My plan was to spend one year focused on this and get it under control and figure it out and we are working on year 4 and I am the same weight now as when I started. My plan was to lose the weight, not simply because of physical beauty but so that I would have a story to tell of redemption and grace. My plan was to lose the weight and feel confident and perhaps start dating and find a guy and get married and have babies. And that…is the crux of it. As I approach 36 years old I feel like time is running out. I am afraid I will be alone forever, never having experienced the giddiness of a first date, the excitement of falling in love or the absolute wonder of life growing in my belly. I know, those things can still happen fat or thin, but it sure would be wonderful to have one less thing to have to doubt about. It would be nice to feel confident in my body and at home in my skin and like I would actually WANT some man to look at my body let alone touch me. So yeah, how is it between us?
On some levels I feel closer to You than ever. I see areas of my life you are calling out of me. You seem to have a plan for me and it is exciting and yet it is nothing that I have asked for. Sometimes I feel like a kid at Christmas. Parents ask for a list and I carefully make that list and give it over and then on Christmas Day, while I am getting wonderful gifts and I am delighted, I am still disappointed that none of the items on my list were received…and I wonder…why bother asking me for a list? Why bother giving a list? Why bother sharing my desires when You clearly have a different plan.
So, it is a mixed bag. I don’t know if I am supposed to continue sitting back and letting Daniel handle my body and the nutrition and let him figure that piece out or am I supposed to be searching more aggressively for something else. What does trusting you look like in this? All I know, is it is hard and I don’t want to slip back into that place where I was angry and bitter. I don’t want to become an angry petulant kid stomping her foot demanding what I feel I deserve. I just want to be honest and all I know is that the desire to lose weight is not nearly as strong as those other desires to be a wife and a mom and to have all of those experiences. My nephew at 11 speaks of wanting 8 babies. At 35, I am holding out hope for one.
How is it between us? IT is between us and I don’t know how to remove IT.