Tag Archive | God

How Is It Between Us?

I have been asked to write again and I have been planning to write about my new eating plan Daniel has me on but that is not what is on my mind tonight.

Tonight, a Sara Groves song is playing in my head, called How is it Between Us?  Sara works lyrically to try to describe a feeling she is having when she wakes up and she can’t quite grasp it in words but the feeling leads her to ask, How is it between us Lord?

This morning, I had a weigh in for a work contest (yes, I have to weigh in every 2 weeks, ugh…I had just laid down the scale, but that is another story) and discovered that in the last 2 weeks, I lost 1 pound.   This should be exciting and good news and positive, right?  Unfortunately, as my co-workers came out that old jealousy and bitterness that I was feeling pre-exorcism came back with a vengeance and it was a battle all day long to NOT sink into that place.  One lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks and I KNOW she eats fast food every day for lunch and doesn’t workout!

It is not easy to avoid that dark place so as that song played in my head I felt like God was asking me that question.  Kim, How is it between us?  This is my response.

God,

I feel like this weight issue is a thing between us.  I feel like you only hear me when I get desperate about it and really angry but really nothing changes.  I know you have a plan for me and my life, but my weight is not just weight for me.  It is the thing that seems to have everything else on hold.  My plan was to spend one year focused on this and get it under control and figure it out and we are working on year 4 and I am the same weight now as when I started.  My plan was to lose the weight, not simply because of physical beauty but so that I would have a story to tell of redemption and grace. My plan was to lose the weight and feel confident and perhaps start dating and find a guy and get married and have babies.   And that…is the crux of it.  As I approach 36 years old I feel like time is running out.  I am afraid I will be alone forever, never having experienced the giddiness of a first date,  the excitement of falling in love or the absolute wonder of life growing in my belly.  I know, those things can still happen fat or thin, but it sure would be wonderful to have one less thing to have to doubt about.  It would be nice to feel confident in my body and at home in my skin and like I would actually WANT some man to look at my body let alone touch me.   So yeah, how is it between us?

On some levels I feel closer to You than ever.  I see areas of my life you are calling out of me.  You seem to have a plan for me and it is exciting and yet it is nothing that I have asked for.  Sometimes I feel like a kid at Christmas.  Parents ask for a list and I carefully make that list and give it over and then on Christmas Day, while I am getting wonderful gifts and I am delighted, I am still disappointed that none of the items on my list were received…and I wonder…why bother asking me for a list?  Why bother giving a list?  Why bother sharing my desires when You clearly have a different plan.

So, it is a mixed bag.  I don’t know if I am supposed to continue sitting back and letting Daniel handle my body and the nutrition and let him figure that piece out or am I supposed to be searching more aggressively for something else.  What does trusting you look like in this?  All I know, is it is hard and I don’t want to slip back into that place where I was angry and bitter.  I don’t want to become an angry petulant kid stomping her foot demanding what I feel I deserve.   I just want to be honest and all I know is that the desire to lose weight is not nearly as strong as those other desires to be a wife and a mom and to have all of those experiences.  My nephew at 11 speaks of wanting 8 babies.  At 35, I am holding out hope for one.

How is it between us?  IT is between us and I don’t know how to remove IT.

Just Because You Have A PhD…

A few weeks back I finally got an appointment scheduled with an endocrinologist.  During a routine Dr. appointment my thyroid levels had come back slightly abnormal but then on further testing they were fine.  My Dr. and I though were still puzzled as to what might be going on in my body that may be hindering/slowing down/affecting in some way my ability to lose weight.

In her words, “Kim, I just don’t know.  You push your body harder than anybody I have ever seen trying to lose weight, you have been more consistent than any of my other patients and yet, you don’t get the numerical results.”

So we agreed that I would seen an endocrinologist and we would use the abnormal thyroid screen as my way in.  (Stupid insurance these days requires a diagnosis for the referral to be legit!)

I got in extremely fast.  They just happened to have a cancellation and I was able to take the appointment.  This amazing PhD asked me all sorts of questions.  He was puzzled why my Dr. even referred me to him since the abnormality was so incredibly low.  I explained the REAL reason I was there and he sat back and asked more questions. Family history and stretch marks and eating habits and workout schedules.  I got through the current plan before he cut me off, and didn’t really get to go over a history of the last 3 years of various things I have done.

At the end of our conversation he said this:

Kim, I am going to do some lab work but I doubt it is going to show anything.  What it comes down to is this.  YOu are simply eating more than you are burning.  It is simple math.

Ok I know that theory.  But what about when I was burning 2500 calories a day and only eating 1200?  How do you explain that?

Kim, if it is not calories in/calories out it is genetics and I can’t change your family.  You should have surgery to lose the weight or a really low-calorie meal replacement program.  I am sure your Dr. can refer you to one.

I left there HOT!  I was hoping that this PhD would be one who wanted to find the source of the problem and not just treat symptoms.  Surgery is dangerous and everyone I know who has had weight loss surgery has had more complications than anything else AND have regained most of their weight back.  The problem is not going to go away simply by having surgery.

I am also not a fan of extremely low-calorie meal replacement diets.  I am sure I could do it and lose the weight but how does that teach me to live beyond weight loss?  How does that teach me to eat and exercise normally?  How does that insure that as soon as I begin to eat real food again that I won’t regain the weight?  These plans don’t make sense to me.

Yes I want to lose weight.  Yes I want to wear normal clothes and do normal active things without fear that I can’t do things because of my size/weight.  However,  I don’t merely want to be skinny.  I want to be healthy and I do not see how surgery or shakes are going to get me there.

What did I learn through this?  Just because you have a PhD and all sorts of certificates on your wall doesn’t mean you all that smart.  I know my body.  I know me.

I will keep looking for answers.  I know that our bodies are not “One size fits all”.  By this I mean that what works for you may not work for me and vice versa.  So, on I go along my little journey…doing what makes sense to me at the time.  For now, that means sticking with Daniel, continuing to Crossfit, and working on his nutrition plan for me….details to come on that soon…

God Heals!

In the last couple of months I have had a couple of injuries.

The first one, I threw my back out while doing a squat.  I knew the moment it happened and immediately stopped my workout.  By 4 PM that Friday afternoon, I could barely stand and left work early. I spent the next day and a half laid up, on Vicodin and  barely able to move.  I had to miss my nephews play that he was in and I was beginning to get really discouraged.

You see, my friend Carollyn has been plagued with a bad back.  SO much so that she has spent weeks unable to stand for more than 15-20 minutes at a time, on a GOOD day!  I didn’t know exactly what I did to my back that morning, but if this was a permanent injury, I don’t know what I would have done.

I have come to LOVE working out.  I whine about the muscle soreness after a good hard workout but really I am bragging that I worked hard enough to produce that feeling!

What if I could never work out to that level again?  What if I seriously hurt myself?  What if I couldn’t stand up for more than a few minutes at a time…for the rest of my life?

Saturday night, I decided, that no matter what, I would go to church on Sunday and have them pray for me for healing.  My church friends believe God heals today, not just 2000 years ago.

I showed up at church and because I was slow-moving, was really late and I ended up parking as far away from the front doors as you could get.  Normally a 2 minute walk in, took about 10 minutes.

After the message, my friend Robin came over to me and offered to pray.  She did, then she insisted I go and have Nate pray for me too.  I stood up and shuffled over to him and he called his 2 oldest children over.  You see, our church doesn’t think that the kids should be excluded from seeing God do really cool stuff.  So they began to pray…and after about 10 minutes they ended and Nate asked if I felt any different.

Not really, but the fact that I have been standing this long is kind of a miracle!

As we ended service, I had to go to my car to get something I left out there and as I walked out there, I realized for the first time in 2 days, I was standing up straight…and while the muscles all up and down my back were incredibly tense, the pain was mostly gone.  I walked at a normal pace to my car and back and continued to stand around talking to people for a while longer.  I then went out with friends to lunch and then to watch some Detroit Lions Football.  I soon became convinced that prayer, really does work and that once I laid down and went to sleep that night and my muscles were able to fully relax, that I would wake up in the morning, perfectly fine…

and that is what happened!

God does heal today!  I don’t know how or why He chooses to do what He does or when, but I am grateful for it!

What did I learn besides this?  It is important to NEVER sacrifice form for speed in a workout.  Better to do it right than to do it fast.

 

Help Me To Trust, Lord!

Wow,I am sorry it has taken so long to write again, especially after that really scary sounding post!

I did meet with my Pastor and my friend Julia that night.  I went in not knowing what to expect and half fearing that they would discover I was possessed or some other strange thing like that and have to pull out the garlic water and perform an exorcism!

Alas, nothing as dramatic or scary as that occurred.  I am not possessed.  No exorcism needed.

Now before you all go getting freaked out and writing me off as some freak, let me explain.  We are spiritual beings living in a spiritual world and contrary to what we may WANT to believe, not all things spiritual are so nice.  So while I joke (sort of ) about being possessed, I am also aware and fully believe that it is possible for some to become possessed.

I went into this time with my Pastor uncertain and nervous.  I KNEW I could not be possessed but there is a possibility of spiritual influence and I wanted to be free of that, if in fact it was influencing things for me at all.

The time consisted of me sharing some of my journey with Jim and Julia.  Where I have been, what I have been up to.  My fears of forever being fat and my deep knowledge that THIS is not what God would have for me.  I shared a deep deep feeling of being unheard in my times of prayer and even worse than that a feeling of being ignored by God.  If I didn’t share this with them I certainly was able to recognize an almost tangible anger towards Him about this being ignored business.

You see, while I continue to work and struggle and wont give up on this journey, I also was finding myself increasingly angry when I would hear of others success.  I would hear of people who cut out soda and didn’t exercise at all and would be losing weight or walk 20 minutes a day and not really change how they ate and I would verbally say congratulations but inside I was seething with jealousy and anger.  It wasn’t fair!  When would it be my time?  When will my hard work pay off?

No small amount of tears were shed in this small room on the upper level of the building that houses our church offices.

Jim and Julia who have great gifts of hearing the hearts of others and then listening for the voice of God in that, listened and questioned then prayed over me.   At various times they prayed fervently and with authority casting out doubt and fear and insecurity.  They spoke words of encouragement over me and in those moments I felt like God was present and able to hear, if not me, at least them.  They prayed over my memories of my sexual abuse and the chaotic home I lived in growing up.  They spoke Truth to me in ways I have not heard in a long time, with great authority.  They prayed about the longings of my heart and my desire to live a life pleasing to God.

After over an hour and a half of sharing and prayer and weeping, I left exhausted.   I left with a new hope.  And I left with a sense of wonder over what this time would mean for my journey.

You see I had yet to set up my appointment with an endocrinologist that my Dr was referring me to.  I didn’t know if I needed to anymore or would this time be the “fix” that was needed.

A couple of days after I left that room, I found myself at work.  A woman came up to me at the Credit Union where I work and said to me, “Kim, I was hoping to see you today!  I wanted to tell you, after talking to you and knowing how much you work out, I started my own program and have lost 20 lbs since Sweetest Day!”

I was surprised by my response.  For the first time in a VERY long time, my inward emotion matched the words I shared with her!  I was proud of her, encouraged by her, and excited for her!  And, I was in awe to see that despite the lack of weight loss in my body, living my life out loud has had an impact on others. This woman, who knows me by name and by story, now has a story of her own to tell, a story to be excited about…and I still had to ask her for her ID before I would give her money out of her account!  This woman, who I still don’t remember her name, is taking up a challenge I gave her to train for and run the Detroit Turkey Trot with me next year!

After she left, tears came to my eyes, as it dawned on me…God did meet me in that room a few nights back, He IS at work in my life and in my heart even if it is not on the timetable I would like.  He has not been ignoring me…He just hasn’t been saying what I want Him to say or doing what I want Him to do.  He is not a puppet on a string that I get to control nor am I a puppet He gets to control.  If anything, in my anger and bitterness, my ears have been closed to Him.  I shared this story with Jim, and He asked if I would share at church.

You can listen here. Choose the sermon called “Gods Heart for Outcasts”

You will have to put up with a pop up that says our church has moved.  Just hit escape!

What does this mean going forward?  Am I still going to see the endocrinologist?

What I know for now, is that I need to keep working out and making healthy choices.  The results, I will leave to my trainer(Daniel) and my Dr. to figure out.  I am going to keep laying my worry and my fears down and keep picking up trust as often as I need to…(feel free to remind me if you see me doing otherwise)  This doesn’t mean I won’t play an active role in the decisions regarding my journey, it just means I am not going to fret about it.

In fact, I DID see the endocrinologist.  Stay tuned for that story…

Daniel has a new plan drawn up for me and I feel good about it…again stay tuned for that one…

I am also realizing that this journey is not one I can do alone.  It is as much spiritual as it is physical and I must seek God as fervently as I seek weight loss.  I must be praying as often as I am working out, if not more.  I must be honest with Him at the moment I begin to doubt or at the moment I feel unheard…and I must LISTEN more than I speak.  I must learn to trust.

The conversations I have been having with God have looked something like one which took place a couple thousand years ago between Peter (I think) and God.

God:  Kim, Do you Trust me?

Kim:  Of Course I trust you!  What is not to Trust about you!

God:  Kim, Do you Trust me?

Kim: Of course I do Lord, why do you keep asking me that?!

God:  Kim…Do. You. Trust. Me?

Kim: I do Lord, but help me in my lack of Trust!

Clearly there is something in me that does not trust, why else would I feel such a clear question coming from Him time and time again?  So now my conversations have been beginning with…Show me where I don’t trust You…and Help me to Trust.

Thank you for reading my story and being a part of my Journey so far.  2012 is going to be an exciting year, I am certain of it!

Hopeful Expectation

I feel like this summer has been a whirlwind and now it is the end of October and I still have not blogged about my summer and the amazing things I learned.   I have missed my blog.  I have missed the centering it gives me.  To you all it is just another weight loss blog, but for me it is my journal.  My archives. My place to vent and to process.  This blog is a critical tool in my journey.  So let the blogging commence again.

For the last couple of years I have been saying I wanted to go “up north” for a trip.  This summer, I was not going to let the time go by without leaving the “mitten” and venturing into the Upper Peninsula and exploring its beauty; even if it means going alone.

So off I went in the middle of August and my only regret is that it took 35 years to go somewhere that is a mere 6 hours away.

As I drove north and left the familiar roads of Metropolitan Detroit, I found myself sitting in a state of…expectation?  anticipation? Wonder?  I don’t know the exact feeling, it was a mix of several things, but it was good.  As I drove over hills and around bends in the highway, I would sit up a little higher in my seat and push  my head out over the steering wheel wondering what my eyes would behold when the road straightened out again.  I was waiting for a beautiful surprise and no matter how many times I came around a curve and saw more of the same kind of roads and landscape that I had just come from, the anticipation never waned, never dulled, never got old, and I was never disappointed, because even if it looked the same, I KNEW without a doubt, I had never been HERE before.

Every once in a while I would come around some bend and see a beautiful valley or something.  Then there was a point where the types of trees changed a bit and that was exciting to see.  Slowly but surely, the maple trees gave way to more pine trees and suddenly the landscape WAS different.  Soon I went over the bridge that connected the mitten to the UP and I was no longer on an expressway but a two lane highway that ran along the coast and on my left was Lake Huron and on my right was pine trees and jerky stands and pastie stands.  I was in a foreign place and my anticipation grew.

I was heading to the Pictured Rocks and couldn’t wait to get there.  Every building and rock I passed was beautiful in its normalcy.

I arrived at the Rocks and was not disappointed.  I spent time hiking and in a boat and just sitting on the shore of Lake Superior, just me and my thoughts, and this is what I realized about this sense of expectation and anticipation and…hope.

This is what God wants from me.  He has me on this journey.  This is His story played out in my life and so often I sit in frustration because I am not at a given destination yet; and I miss the beauty of the moment.  I miss the details of the landscape of the place I am in.  He wants me to live my life with Him, with a sense of expectation and anticipation and hope that around the next bend is going to be something beautiful…and when it is more of the same, to rest in knowing that while things look the same…I have never been HERE before.  Which means that I am moving.  I am pressing forward in life.  I am not stagnant.  Something beautiful is coming.  Something beautiful is happening. He wants me to watch with hopeful expectation of what He is doing and to watch the Beauty unfold.

Looking for the Beauty in the Landscape that is the UP

God Is So Good!

The other day, I was noticing how unstressed I am about my weigh in on Tuesday. I realize that just a week and a half ago, I was crazy stressed, but that was my first one with Demond.  Now, I am settling in to what it is like working with him.  I see what he is doing working and I have a strange confidence or peace that things will continue to work.

As I thought about these things, I began to realize a sequence of events that has led me to this point.

1.        In September, I was ready to quit.   I know I have written about the struggle of September and the following cloud of whatever that has hung around, but I am not sure I have been very clear how close I was to quitting.   I know Coach and Aaron were not fully aware until after the fact how bad it was.  In all honesty though, I was done.  I had been making sacrifices and changes and paying out money to see change occur and while yes there were plenty of milestones and victories along the way, my goals were NOT being achieved and I was at a point that I couldn’t keep on and keep my sanity.

2.       I decided to do the Big House, Big Heart Run with a friend of mine in October.   I wasn’t completely prepared for this run.  I had been unmotivated in my running since the triathlon in August, but I figured even if I walked a good portion of it, it would be fun to run with this particular friend.   It was during this run, that I saw Kyra walking her first 5K and was inspired by her commitment and her perseverance.  It was here, I decided that I HAD to finish this run as quickly as possible because I HAD to go back for her.

3.       I met her trainer, Demond, when I went back for her, and began conversations with him via email.

4.       I continued to feel unmotivated to keep going, although I continued to battle that.  A persistent cloud of defeat/sadness/angst followed me, with every good thing, there was something else that went with it to steal the joy from it.

5.       Throughout October I grew increasingly frustrated with my current training situation.

6.       I re-visited a church that I used to attend because I was feeling the need to go to a church that was familiar and known and where there would be someone who would know my name, at the least.  I was not in a place to make small chat and to meet new people, I needed to go and just be at church.  I was simply desperate to feel God’s presence in a tangible way and I knew without a doubt that He would be found in this church, if nowhere else in my life.

7.       I started attending that church after being told that a small group was starting to meet in the area I lived/worked.  Essentially with this move, I began to experience a faith community again in my daily life and not just with my friends in GR through FB, email and my occasional visits out that way.

8.       In November,  decided to leave my current trainer, for a whole host of reasons that I have decided NOT to write about in my blog.  Kelly is a great trainer, she is just not the best for me, for my body, and for the massive amount of weight I have to lose.

9.       I called Demond to see what was possible.  Up until this point I had decided that I could not afford him with the frequency I thought I needed to get results or that I was seeing Kelly or even Jess prior to that. Demond, being a possibilities man, assured me, that I could and would get results, if I worked hard and saw him once a week.

So now, I sit here, going on a month with Demond, quite calm about my pending weigh in tomorrow, knowing that I have worked hard, and grateful, incredibly grateful, that at a time when I was really really floundering and couldn’t even come up with the words to pray for help, God saw me in my distress and in my loneliness and longing for community.  He provided all that I thought I needed and so much more.  I have a trainer who is so committed to my success.  He sees my number on the scale as his number.  He is constantly monitoring my numbers and always challenging me to greatness.  I have a church community that I am settling back in to and connecting with.  And while I love Demond and the A2 family, my faith family is probably more important.  If my faith is shaken, nothing will work.  I am convinced of that. With that said, I am also grateful that Demond is also a man of faith so he gets it when I talk about those things!

Despite being angry with God more often than not this year, He has not left me alone, even when it has felt like it.  I really hate to think about where I would be at in this moment if all these things hadn’t simply “happened”.  If I hadn’t done that run, if I hadn’t gone back for Kyra, if I hadn’t meant Demond-the possibility man, if I hadn’t gone to that church….

What I know to be absolute truth in this moment is that God is Good.  He has loved me with an everlasting love, he has called my by name, and He is rebuilding me, day by day into who he has called me to be.  I am grateful for this process AND much of the time I wish that He would speed up the process, because it is painful, my friends, incredibly painful.

So here is the vision I have that won’t allow me to quit, even when I really want to(God seems to always intervene when I lose sight of this ).  I see a healthy mom of maybe 3 or 4 children with a handsome husband by her side, laughing and playing together as they do healthy active things together.  I see others being inspired to take back their health and their fitness because they have seen that it is possible, particularly some of my family and friends.  I can see others discovering a side of themselves they never knew existed as they pursue health!   As I continue to push through my own doubts and fears and lack of faith, I see myself becoming more beautiful and more like the person God might say something like this to, “ You have fought a good fight, you have finished the race, well done, my good and faithful servant.”  I don’t know exactly what it looks like to be deserving of words like that, but I imagine that as I become more physically, spiritually and emotionally healthy, His plan for me will continue to be revealed and I will be in a place to be able to do what is asked of me.

P.S. Weigh in has been moved to Wednesday.  I refuse to let Demond drive out to see me tomorrow with the icy road conditions we are having.

He Said YES!! And The Great Sadness

OK, first of all I am super excited!  Demond pushed me on Saturday and tested out my knee and finally determined I can do the Turkey Trot!  Yeah, I still cried with the good news!

So today, I went for my first run outside since the BHBH run in early October and my first run of any kind since my initial knee injury.  I headed for my beloved trails and wanted to see how quickly I could pull out a mile on land.  I pulled out a 15 minute mile, interval style.  Not bad.  However, due to some poor decisions the night before(girls night out and waay too much wine), I was quite dehydrated I think and my quads were already tight from more silly decisions the night before….so all of this resulted in some MAJOR leg and side cramps the whole way.  It was a rather painful 1 mile run, but I have never been more happy to be able to run!

Yesterday’s workout with Demond was…great!  It was good to see him again and to get re-energized with some new stuff to do.  He had me push out a mile on the Octane in just over 7 minutes.  Hella hard!  He does NOT let me breathe!  It is ridonkulous!  Then we headed over to the weight room and did a whole round of stuff there.  WHo knew that spreading your arms wide and bringing your hands together for 1 minute would be so difficult and whine producing!

I gotta say, this is why I DON’T watch myself in the mirror when working out.  While doing the arm thing I was wearing a tank top and all I could see was the hanging, underside of my arms flapping back and forth.  I kid you not, I could have sailed a boat with these arms of mine!  LOL

From there, we moved back to the cardio room where he put me on the treadmill and did walking intervals with the incline increasing by 2 every 2 minutes until we got to incline level 12!!  Might as well have been climbing a mountain folks!  To distract me, I made him tell me his story of becoming a trainer…dude, I THOUGHT he had a lot of experience…but umm no….he DOES have a lot of experience…I am pleased with my choice…still…so far! 🙂

The Great Sadness

So frequent followers or long-term followers know that in September I had a pretty major meltdown, took a weekend off to regroup and refocus and started again.  I was doing some journaling the other day and I was reading some stuff I had written over the last couple of months and I am realizing that while September was the height of things in that area, I am continuing to struggle emotionally.  It seems that while there are positive and happy moments and things going on, everything seems to have this dark cloud of gloom or sadness cast over it.  Everything positive gets tagged with a “but” after it in my head.

  • Sure you wore a new outfit last night that you bought a year ago and couldn’t wear…but you have still gained weight.
  • Yes!  I get to run the turkey trot but…your not doing the 10K like last year
  • Yes! I have a new trainer who in all logic looks like he could really help me make some progress, but I don’t fully believe it will happen.

Those are just a few and in the last couple of days I think I am finally starting to see what is what and to call it by name and in reality it kinda scares me.

I think I may be struggling with depression.  There.  I have said it.  I can’t take it back.

If I was able to shake it off after a couple of days I would chalk the crazy crying, the lack of motivation, the desire to simply sleep when I am not actively busy and committed to someone else, up to PMS or a bad couple of days.  But really, after looking at my journal, it has been several months.

I realized in September, after logging into an old email account and finding a bunch of old emails between Coach and I, that this weight loss journey has really been going on for about 5 years now, not the 2 I claim!  It has just been the last 2 that I have been most consistent with it.

That is a long time guys.  And in reality, it is hard to believe that my body will ever change when for a year and a half it hasn’t gone in the right direction.  I KNOW that I need to have more faith.  I need to trust.  I need to cast my cares upon God.  I know that if I just keep going things will have to change at some point.  I know that the scale is not the only measure of progress.  I know that despite no weight loss, I have reduced my cholesterol from borderline high and heading towards possible medication to smack in the middle of normal range.  I know these things.  I also know that I can do more today than I could 2 years ago.  I know I am getting stronger every day.  I know that I now have more than one muscle.  Trust me.  I see and know all these things.  I am constantly pointing them out to myself when the thoughts of doubt and despair come.

But I also know that 2 years ago when I agreed to walk with God down that healing path from the childhood sexual abuse, I also had hopes that once I completed that part of the journey, the lbs would begin to melt off of me, since  I have come to believe it was those events that initiated the weight gain as a child.  The reality is, that I lost weight while walking through that process and when that process ended for me and I stopped being angry with God over a lot of that stuff and chose to begin trusting Him fully, I stopped losing weight.  I don’t know if it is a coincidence or if I really do have a demon on my back seeking to take me out of this.  If so, he’s got another thing coming.

No matter how sad or disappointed I am in the struggle of the last 2 years and beyond, I refuse to give up.  The shadow may linger, but I cannot let it consume me.

While I KNOW in my head this is not true, it FEELS like God doesn’t really care about this aspect of my life.  It feels like He was ever so present during the whole heart healing/abuse healing phase of all of this and since then it feels like he has kinda left me on my own again to battle this out without Him. Frankly, it pisses me off.  It doesn’t exactly help with the trust factor.  I know there are a whole lot of lies in here that are twisting truth around for me.  I just don’t know how to untangle them all and really I am too tired of trying to.  It is easier to just keep plugging along…

Ugh, I know I am rambling and may need to pick this up again later.  For now, I just thought I would share where I was at.  But for now, I promised Demond I would be in bed by 10 PM each night.