A couple of weeks ago, I had all the kiddos over for the night. In fact, it was the same night that the previous post came out of. While getting ready for work on a Friday morning, I had just weighed in and discovered a 3lb loss. Can you believe I was mildly bummed? I thought to myself, “Kim, since when is a 3lb loss a small loss to you?”
Oh, I know. When Leif showed me that my body wasn’t broken and actually had the potential to lose 8 lbs in one week!!
I have worked really hard to not have any expectations for this process. I have tried really hard to stay detached from it and to simply follow the plan and let Leif worry about everything else. 4 Years of disappointment with my body has taught me to not have any long term expectations of losses. At the same time, I have tried to not get super excited on the good weeks either. If history repeats itself, it won’t last right?
We are on week 7 now and the 2 weeks following that amazing 3 lb loss I gained 1 and lost 1. It is difficult to to not go to the dark place that perhaps my wacky thoughts are true. It is difficult to NOT drown in disappointment. It is a daily fight to remain neutral on either of these spectrums of emotion. The spectrum that ranges from hope….to disappointment. It is difficult to NOT write scathing emails to Leif reminding him that I told him so, that my body was F’d up!
I keep reminding myself, sometimes daily and sometimes moment by moment, that I promised him and myself 20 weeks to let him do his thing. 20 weeks to figure out my body. 20 weeks to do something that no one else has been able to do. For 20 weeks, I would simply follow the plan and let him worry about changes.
Here is the dilemma.
- I am a control freak. This works for me and against me in Leif’s plans. His plans are very calculated and controlled. Every bite is measured and weighed. This works for my need for control. However, they are HIS plans and I have no control over them. I cannot change them. I have to trust this man whom I have never even spoken verbally to, to come up with plans for my body that will hopefully yield results.
- Hope happened. I didn’t want to hope in this process. Like I said, I have worked really hard to be neutral about it all. I know hope happened though because I have felt a lot of disappointment, especially these last couple of weeks and I know you can’t know disappointment without first knowing hope. Hope feels good, but man disappointment, well, it hurts. And once you know it, you can’t un-know it!
So, now I have hope. Leif keeps changing things each week. Sometimes they are big changes and sometimes they are small ones. Sometimes they are nutritional only changes and sometimes they are workout related changes. I am learning that although I can’t count on my body to do what I hope for or even expect (especially when I am near perfect in following the plan) I can count on an email before I go to bed on weigh in day of what I need to change for the next week. I can count on Leif analyzing my results and figuring out a course of action.
So, for now, I will work to trust that…and I will work to remember the words of my niece that Friday morning as I got ready for work. “Auntie, I think you shrunk!” I will also work to remember that in 6 weeks I am down 18 lbs. The 7 year old just might be seeing some truth that I don’t see yet. Perhaps I should listen to the wisdom of a child.