Tag Archive | learning

The Dreaded Fat Slap

I am not sure if I wrote about this before, I looked back over all my old posts and couldn’t find anything, so if I did, my apologies.  I know I shared this story in my TBL video last winter/spring, which is probably why I am not sure if I shared it here or not.

Anyway, anyone who has ever had a massive amount of weight to lose will know EXACTLY what I am talking about when I talk about the Phenomenon of the Fat Slap.   For those who don’t know, let me explain.

When a person of a certain size exercises vigorously strange things happen.  Weird noises are emitted from the body that should not be there.  If one does the given activity once or twice, it can sound like a fart, which of course is quite embarrassing!!  However, if one does the given exercise/motion repeatedly in a rapid fashion, it can sound rather like applause…except there is none!  Again, quite embarrassing!

What kinds of exercises might cause this sound to be emitted you ask?  Well, just about anything that causes you to move up and down.  Jumping Jacks, Jumping Jessie’s(jacks followed by a squat), Olga squat pulls, anything that is jumping related really or really really fast running!

What causes this you ask?  Again, let me tell you, for those who do not know.  A brain may tell its body to jump or run as the case may be.  So the body jumps.  However, what happens is, the body starts its return to earth long before the belly has had a chance to get up to the height of the rest of the body.  The body lands and shortly thereafter, the belly lands too…and slaps against the body…causing the dreaded “noise”.  Coach says this is my body applauding my efforts….I however, want it to withhold its applause and simply show its appreciation by growing smaller and smaller and simply SHUTTING UP!!

So how does one combat the dreaded Fat Slap?  Well, one doesn’t run at high rates of speed.  One doesn’t do jumping activities.  By refraining from such activities, the body is not forced to go in two directions at once and ultimately meet together in that humiliating fashion.

So…you must know, that I am not just talking about the Fat Slap in theory.  Sadly I have experienced it and work hard to never experience it again…up until now, my work has been mostly in avoidance methods.  However, when one hires a trainer to do a certain job that they are trained and experienced in doing, it is best I shut up and listed and do as they tell me to, right?

Theoretically.  However, when G.I Jess tells me to jump in some fashion I find myself timidly doing so.  She has pointed this out to me, about how timid I am being, but I am not sure she knows why.  (well if she reads this she will know now:-)  When I am supposed to hop backwards into a squat and then pull Olga to me, I first hop one foot back then the other.  Part of this is a balance thing.  NO WAY do  want to fall in front of all the mirrors and the entire gym!  Part of it may also be due to leg fatigue, at least at the end of a set.  However, much of it has to do with Fat Slap avoidance.

I realized all of this tonight when G.I Jess asked me to do a two footed jump and hit the pads she was holding with my knees, 15 times in a row.  At first I didn’t think I could do it.  I don’t like jumping!  I think I have good reason, don’t you?!  I started out pretty timidly, first one foot then the other going up.

She didn’t like that move.  After a couple tries I got a “Good Job” from her.  However, with that one came the “noise” and I reverted back to my one-footed ways.  Now mind you she is standing right in front of me,bent over.  In my imagination her entire view is taken up of my belly going up and down inches in front of her face and then…out pops this noise…Awful I tell you!!  Awful!

While I have all this going on in my head, I also want to do this stuff right.  I mean seriously, if I am not going to do what she asks me to and trust her expertise, why am I paying her?  By the time we got to the second to last set of this awfulness, I was finally getting comfortable with the motion and she wanted me to attempt it without a pause between jumps.

“Dear Lord, she knows not what she asks for!”, I thought.

I did it though and with every jump I heard, “SLAP!  SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!….PAUSE….1 FOOTED…Pause…SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!

Either she didn’t notice or simply did not care or had no idea what the noise was.

So for my last set, I decided, I would just pretend it wasn’t happening. I did it.  Shot off 15 jumps in a row, no pauses.  Lots of Slapping going on….but whatever…one day, the Fat Slap will be a distant memory…for me and for her.

It is fascinating to me as I sit here, how much internal conversation goes on about this stuff and how much it holds me back from what I say I want.   I mean, what if there is another reality.  Perhaps no one notices, but me.  No one hears what I hear or sees what I see.  What if Jess heard nothing and saw nothing but a woman working hard, doing hard things.  What if I lived as if THAT were the truth..as opposed to all the above fodder.

I am certain this won’t change overnight.  I am sure I will still hesitate when she wants me to jump.  I am sure I will still have fears of grand embarrassment.  But perhaps, each time it will get a little bit less until I no longer hear the Fat Slap myself, regardless of my size.

Yes, that is where I want to be.

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Exhaustion!

It is 12:40 AM and I am awake.  This normally is pretty routine for me and no big deal.  However earlier tonight as I was leaving work at 5:30 I was feeling tired.  Really tired.  My eyes had that exhausted burning feeling of someone who hasn’t slept in days.  (This is not true of me, just the way my body felt)  As I tried to plan my run route in my head, knowing I had 5-6 miles to do tonight, I felt tears come to my eyes.

I can’t do it.

I need to sleep.

I was extremely hungry, far more so than usual for right after work and just wanted to eat.  Not in an unhealthy way, mind you.

But I need to run.  My plan calls for a run.  How can I not run?

I texted Aaron and Coach to let them know I was considering not running and why.  I think what I was really looking for was someone to tell me that it is ok if I don’t run.  That it won’t mean I am a failure or that Nashville won’t happen if I don’t run one night.

Coach gave that to me and I really started crying.  I felt so relieved.  Like the pressure that had been building was suddenly released.

But then I heard from Aaron, who encouraged me to just go one mile at a time.  I thought, I can do one mile.  If I can just start I am sure I can do one mile.  Maybe that is what I will do.  Commit to one and only one and see from there…but not until after I got some food in me.

As I continued home, I planned a one mile run route and I felt ok.  Still exhausted but mentally I felt like I could do one mile.

I got home, made some dinner, and tracked my calories for the dietitian.  While doing this, I was still thinking about and wondering why I am so exhausted.  The last several nights I have been falling asleep before 11PM (unheard of for me) and waking up at my normal time.  Here is what I came to.

  • For one month now, I have been running intensely 4 days a week.
  • According to my Polar, I have been burning more and more calories with each workout…often over 1000 calories a run.
  • In the last 2 weeks, I have begun adding strength training with Jessica and on my own.
  • The last 2 weeks have been 6 days a week of very intense workouts.
  • My calorie intake has not changed.  Still working at 1800 a day.

My conclusion.  I think my body is just exhausted and if my calorie burns are remotely accurate then my calorie intake is CLEARLY not sufficient to fuel my body and I don’t think any amount of sleep is gonna really help.

I have noticed that any food I do put in my body lasts about an hour before I am hungry (starving) again.  My body is burning what it gets really quickly which I am sure is a result of strength training or perhaps from my body finally trying to get me to understand that I am NOT helping it function well.

I talked to Jen tonight too while eating dinner. She said this to me. “Kimmie K, oh how far you have come that you are crying because you don’t want to miss a run but you need to listen to your body!”

So I decided, for my mental and physical health, I was going to finish dinner and go to bed without running.  Yes, I decided not to run.  So by 8:30, I was in my jammies and in bed and suddenly I couldn’t fall asleep.  I just kept thinking, I should at least go do one mile.

I think I have flipped over to the crazy side of exercise obsession…not good folks, not good.

I forced myself to stay in bed and to simply lay there and to simply let my body rest.

A little while ago, I woke up.  Very hungry.  I figured it must be almost time to wake up so I went to the bathroom, looked at my watch and saw that it was only 12:15 AM.  Shit!  I slept for 2 hours, sort of, and now am wide awake, HUNGRY, and trying to figure out what to do and what is going on.

I know that now that I feel my emotions more, it can cause me to not be able to sleep…but I am not sure what is going on there, other than the earlier emotions I talked of.   My eyes still burn with that really tired feeling but I can’t sleep.  I am melting down folks as I struggle to find the balance I need for success.  The balance I said this year would be full of and the grace I need to be able to let the balance happen.  I feel out of control.  Oh crap…THAT is probably the sleeplessness…that is what it was when Crazy Kate visited last…and that is a primary feeling right now.  Good grief…I need to give this up!

I am not sure I am going to be able to keep up this 6-7 day a week schedule.  On Monday, I will talk to Jess.  On Thursday I will talk to the dietitian who happens to be running Nashville too!  Tomorrow, I will stop by the running store and see if they can’t help me tweak my run schedule/plan.  Perhaps I can take my running down to 3 days a week so I can do strength training 3 days a week.  Perhaps I will lower my expectations for Nashville and give myself a mental break and tell myself it is ok if I walk portions of it.  Right now I have it in my head that it is only a success if I RUN the whole thing straight.

Right now, my schedule calls for 7 days 4 run, 3 strength…I just haven’t been able to do it yet!

This journey continues to be about whole health, not just losing weight or running a half-marathon.  This means I need to sometimes look at the big picture and take a time out so that my body can be better in the long run.

I know this is rambling all over the place.  This is more for me to get my thoughts out of my head so perhaps I can sleep…hopefully.

Calorie Crisis

This past week we had a retirement banquet dinner to go to for a co-worker who was retiring at the age of 73 and after 28 years with the organization.  (This woman doesn’t look a day over 55, I swear!)

Anyway, halfway through the day, my manager sent out the menu for the evening as an FYI for us all. Here were my choices with the calorie king calorie estimates  I got for them.

  • Chicken Parmigiano (769 for half a breast)
  • lasagna (407 for a 4 1/2 in x 3 1/2 in. pice)
  • fried chicken tenders- didn’t bother checking, fried foods are a pitfall of mine, cannot go there at all!
  • fried fish and chips
  • baked ziti – (800)
  • fettucine alfredo (1169)

Umm yeah, so do you all see the crisis I was in?

There was no salad option or baked chicken option or anything.  I quickly ran through my options.  If worse came to worse, lasagna was the best choice calorie wise, however it still seemed obnoxiously expensive to me, considering I don’t LOVE a lot of tomato based things.

I wanted to stay within my calories.  I wanted to make the best possible choice.  In the past I would have simply decided those are my only options.  Yet, I thought it odd that there was no “lighter” option.  I decided to ask the person coordinating this thing what the possibilities were for getting an alterna-meal.  I didn’t want to make it a big deal and I didn’t want to be a pain and yet I wanted to at least feel like I was doing the best I could to choose ME in this situation and that I exhausted all possibilities.

My manager told me to email her with a choice that would be acceptable to me and she would check for me. GREAT!!

My other alterna-plan was to go to Subway on my way to the dinner then just have some of the dinner salad they had there.

However, my manager never got back to me.  So I went to this thing not knowing what my options were and still knowing I had about 1100 calories left for the day.  So no matter what, I could make choices to fit that.

In the end, I ended up with lasagna for approx 500, some dinner salad for about 200, some bread for about 200 and a few bites of cake for about 200 or so.

I stayed within calories, but man was dinner an expensive meal calorie wise.  But I was glad to have averted the crisis by making the absolute best decision possible AND by doing some research ahead of time.

What I learned.  It doesn’t hurt to ask, if for no other reason than to open up the HINT of possibilities so that I don’t go into something feeling backed into a corner.  I went in with a clear head and full knowledge of at least the best calorie estimates I could get.  My ultimate vision was kept in the forefront so that I could not be distracted by something else…and…I knew that I knew that if I needed to…Aaron was a text message away…if I really really got tempted to throw the plan out the window for the evening.  Not to mention, as soon as I got the menu and saw the calories…I emailed it all to him.  I kept everything in the light!

Calorie Crisis…averted!

Trickery attempt by the forces of evil…thwarted!

Calories for that day 1800!

Deciding On My Plan

Diane, over at Fit to the Finish had a great post today about How You Decide Which Plan to Follow.  My response was far too long for a comment so I thought I would just make my own blog post about my Aha moment.

Basically, I am not sure I had one.   I cannot recall a specific moment or time that I said, “Yes, now I am ready to lose weight!”  If anything it was a process and in reality I probably chose the worst time for an emotional eater to begin to try to lose weight.

God had been working on me all summer long (2008) on various areas of my life and I had finally stopped resisting him in some of those areas.  Namely, I agreed to look at how sexual abuse as a child had impacted my life.   I was in counseling and I had just begun this class that would walk me through my story from beginning to end.  I had inadvertently taken the summer off of whatever “plan” I had been on before and had no immediate plans to start-up again.

I had previously tried all sorts of plans. I had done Curves, and weight watchers, calorie counting and low carb diets.  I knew what needed to be done, I just didn’t want to do it, I guess.   In September as I began to watch the latest season of TBL, I decided I would try one more time, but this time, I would tell no one.  No one to watch me.  No one to hold me accountable.  No one to know if I failed again.

After 2 weeks of doing I have no idea what, I was too excited to not tell anyone.  SO I told Aaron.   He of course was quite excited and happy for me, offering to support me in any way he could.   SInce then my basic plan has been to count calories. However the specifics of that plan change all the time.  How many calories has changed as my body changes and adjusts.  How i track those calories has gone through several renovations.  Exercise was at first minimal and has increased over time.

One thing has been constant though.  I have chosen to do this.  For me. Not or anyone else. I am choosing me every day.  Not perfectly and certainly not without some major failing going on at times.   Diane is right.  The plan itself doesn’t matter.  What matters is am I making good choices every day that are going to benefit my health and vision or not.

So I guess, how I chose a plan still has not been answered.  I don’t think I chose the plan, I think it chose me as I chose me.   What has worked simply evolved as I chose to live and to live abundantly!

Hoping And Declaring

My interview went fantastic!  Despite my best efforts to stay low key about it, I am very hopeful and excited for the possibility.  They said that as soon as I walked out on Tuesday last week, that they knew they wanted me back for a 2nd interview.  I will know by next week.  I might be devastated if I don’t get it, but I guess that is the risk to take in feeling the hope.  Besides, I am not so good at stuffing my emotions like I once was.  I am finding it far more painful to stuff them than to simply allow them to be.  Weird, eh? (yeah I live close to Canada and intentionally say, eh…as opposed to “huh”.)  It used to be nothing to stuff them.  In fact, I did it without knowing I was stuffing them.

In other news, I am struggling with getting out there and being focused on my running.  Sure part of me is just excited to ride a lot before it gets too cold to, but I can’t neglect the running either.   So, I think I am going to do a 5 K race on Oct 4th.  That will get me motivated to run, knowing that I can do a 5 K so there is no excuse to not run the whole thing.

Then, here is the big declaration!  I am going to do a 10K on Thanksgiving Day.  A local bank sponsors the Detroit Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot which precedes the Thanksgiving Day Parade!  I am gonna do it!  Then for the first time in my life, despite growing up in the Detroit area, I am going to watch the parade live and in person!!  Perhaps I will get my brother and nephew to run the 5K together!

I have no idea what it will take to train for a 10K.  I wonder if I can even do it…and yet I know I will do whatever it takes to do my best.  Is it just more of the same…running lots and all the time?  Is it speed/sprint stuff?  Jason!!!  Would love your thoughts on this since you run Ultra’s!!  I know a 10K is nothing to you, but hey…you started at this level at some time in your running madness!!

Some Of The 10,000

me head shotI have been in a weird place this past month.  Part of me is scared poop-less that this time is NOT different and yet I know that is just fear talking because I can SEE the signs that say it IS different.  The signs are not just theory or thoughts either, they are the real deal physical universe things, like Crazy Kate’s visit.  Or like wanting to run the complete opposite way of the direction I have been heading and yet not running.  I may not be moving, but I am not running either.   I am standing in the moment, feeling everything there is to feel and acknowledging its place in my life.

I have also found myself in a place of wanting to justify or rationalize Crazy Kate’s visit (which I hope you all picked up on the clues, that I do not have a twin, Kate is me!)  I have wanted to pull that blog post so many times since hitting “publish”.  I didn’t realize  until tonight when I received an email response from Aaron, that in asking him (for probably the 3rd time) what he thought of all of that situation, I was really expecting judgment.   He said this: If what is behind your question is wondering what judgment I may be placing on you because of that then rest assured that there is no judgment.  You are wading through serious stuff and as I’ve said before there are forces that do not want to see you wholly healthy and will use whatever dirty tricks possible to derail you.  This is a long road you are on.

It made me stop and think and realize that part of my fears in having this post out here in blogland is the possible judgments you all may have of me and what happened.  Judgments about my faith and where I stand on that.  Judgments about my ability or determination to lose this weight, but most of all, judgments about my sanity!  I know I am not crazy.  I know that there is a lot going on as I move forward on this journey.  And, having it all out here, is an incredibly vulnerable feeling.  But that is ok.  Vulnerability never killed anyone!

I have many fears as I continue to walk this out.

  • Crazy Kate, might come back from time to time- So be it.  She ain’t got nothing on me!
  • 64.8 lbs is all I will ever be able to lose, I will never break through to 65+ lbs-if that is the case, then I won’t gain back what I have lost, I will be proud of this journey and I won’t give up trying.
  • this journey is going to require more trust and faith than I think I have in me- likely true, but I know the Source of all Trust and Faith and I will just get more as needed.
  • this journey is going to lead me to greater risks than I have ever known.  That it will take me beyond myself.- While scary, this also sounds exciting.
  • That God is after the control I keep taking back from Him, and He means to have it and hold onto it.-  I have a death grip on this control thing, but ummm I don’t think I can win against God.  He seems to always get what He wants, no matter how long it takes.  He is kind of patient like that!

I also have many hopes for myself as I continue to walk this journey out

  • I am not alone-  God is always with me and when I need Jesus with skin on, He has provided me with some of the best of His creation to journey with me…and they don’t seem to be tired yet.
  • I feel! – There was once a time, not long ago that I would have been considered a leper.  When Jesus healed the lepers in the Bible, he gave them their ability to feel back.  When they could feel, they could look at and fix the area that needed fixing.  While painful and overwhelming at times, I am so incredibly thankful to feel.
  • this journey is not my own.- While this blog is certainly about me and my story, whichever one happens to be impacting me in the moment, there is a bigger picture being painted and I am not the artist!
  • WHEN I lose this weight, it will be forever, because I am taking the time to address what gets in the way now!  It might be a slower process than I had hoped for or would like, but I would rather it be this way, than to lose and gain it all back!
  • While my abuse seems to have had the most significant impact on my weight loss efforts and seems to be the thing I talk a lot about, THAT is not all of who I am.  There is so much more to me, and I look forward to discovering THAT girl as I continue this journey. (Thanks Aaron for pointing that out to me!)

Ultimately, I am me and you are reading because either you LIKE me or are simply fascinated by this life of mine or can somehow relate to my life.  For whatever reason, you are here because you choose to be here, so you get what you get…Crazy and all!

But for the record, I am NOT crazy…I just had a crazy week…and I will likely have more of them…so stick around if you want, I am glad to have you on the journey!

There Is A Safety In Being Fat

As I prepare to go to yet another weigh in, I have been thinking about some of my blogland friends and the struggles we are all facing as we battle each day to reach our goals.  And I wonder again about this time being different for me and why it is so.

Over the years I have tried dozens of times to lose weight and have lost as much as 60 lbs but with no lasting success on the scale.  Even as I write this I am not sure that this time will even be lasting success because I am still not on the other side of it.  I do know I have gone longer than ever before in any one weight loss effort and this makes me hopeful.

I have learned so much about myself over the years and as I think about this time vs all the other times I wonder if I ever really wanted it in the past.   Did I really want to be healthy?  Did I really want to be active and athletic?  Did I really want to wear that size 8 or dare I hope for a 6 dress that looks smoking?  Did I really, really want to be attractive to some guy?  Did I really want to have to start saying no to others and yes to myself?  Did I really want to give up some of my social life to spend time at the gym?  Did I really want to become more than the nice girl with the pretty face who is known for what she DOES for others more than who she is?  Did I really want to risk looking at all the contributing factors to my weight gain and actually deal with them?  Did I really want to put in the effort it would take to lose 200 lbs?  Did I really want to do WHATEVER it takes to stay on track including admitting my full weight to others and reporting it every week?  Did I really want to reign in my free spirited, live life with as little structure as possible personality and incorporate discipline in to my life to make weight loss happen?  Did I really want to give up the illusion of control I thought I had by being overweight?  Did I really want to be transformed by all that would happen if I said yes to any ONE of the above, let alone all of them?  Did I really want to risk the vulnerability it would take to have the kind of support I would need to really make this happen?

The answer is no.  I didn’t really want it.  Not for myself anyway.  I wanted to please others.  I wanted to try and fulfill their expectations of me.  I wanted to do what I knew I SHOULD do.  But really there was a safety in being fat.  I have always been fat.  It is what I know.  I know, or at least think I know, the kinds of things people think about a fat girl and have developed some good defenses against them.  You know, like the attitude of “I don’t care what you think!”  Yeah right.  I do!!  But I would never let you know it!

I know that far less guys are attracted to fat women and therefore I have been able to minimize the risk of dating relationships and the fears that stirs up in me.  This tactic has worked far too well…I have NEVER had a boyfriend.  I am 32 years old.  Up until I would say the last 5 years or so, I had no idea that this was an intentional self-protection mechanism set up as a 5 yr old after my abuse.   Even after knowing this, the risk of letting that go was far too scary to think about given that I wasn’t ready or willing to really deal with those issues yet.

I know that people have far less expectations of fat people.  They are expected to eat poorly and not exercise.  In a way that gave me permission to do just that.  I was expected to be lazy and I was.  Still am at times actually and have to fight against it.  I got to eat all sorts of yummy things like donuts and ice cream, fried chicken and butter ladden things without feeling very guilty for my gluttony because it was expected, in an odd way.  It wasn’t until people started caring enough about me to have different expectations that I began to feel guilty when I ate like that, then my eating began to be in secret! (Remind me to blog sometime about the time I flat out lied to Aaron and jeopardized our friendship for a piece of fried chicken! ok several pieces.)

For whatever reason, many people are uncomfortable around really fat people.  I am coming to know that this isn’t because we are ugly as I once thought, but perhaps it is because it stirs a discomfort in them of what they themselves could be if they gave in to what they wanted all the time.  Perhaps the insecurities and fears and loneliness that we wear so visibly on our bodies stirs something in them that is not so readily identifiable.  For this reason, it has allowed me to be able to keep many relationships on a surface level.  There is no relational risk involved.  I didn’t have to be invested so deeply in people, even though that has always been the cry of my heart, to know and be known.

I didn’t have to feel.  I used food as a substitute for emotions.  If things got painful or hard, I just ate and stuffed the emotion back down.  I never got embarrassed by unexpected tears.  I never had to apologize for angry outbursts (ok, with my siblings this was an exception).  I never had to explain myself and what was going on because I was always ok.  I was always “good” or “fine”.  Dear friends now know if I am responding in that way with no explanation, something is likely going on.  Emotions can be exhausting!  Now that I feel them, some days I go to bed just tired from FEELING all day, especially if it was a day of a variety of emotions.  Some days I wish I could go back to not feeling again…and some days I still use food for comfort.

These are just a few of the things that being fat has gotten me over the years.   But the biggest thing is being fat has kept me safe.  Safe from men, safe from scary emotions, safe from vulnerability, safe from being hurt.  Or so I thought anyway.

Now, that I am losing weight and doing so in such a public way, people have different expectations of me.  Adam is expecting that he will get to teach me to ski next winter! (WHAT?! doesn’t he know I could get injured??)  Virg, Jen, Aaron, and others not only invited me to do a triathlon relay 2 years ago but actually BELIEVED I could do it! (and that was when I was still playing around with the whole weight loss thing!)  Holy crap!  Expectations of the physical nature!  Last year, after swimming 500 meters, they believed I could swim even farther! (4th of July Tri Relay-.4 mile swim- Yeah Baby!)  And now I BELIEVE I can do even more than swim and will be swimming and running in an August Tri!   There is a new expectation that I will continue to lose and that I CAN be a LOSER!  No one (except me) doubted my ability to do a ropes course or to be able to wear a harness.

There is much risk in doing these things.  I could get injured.  I could fail to complete and have to have my butt hauled out of the water (highly embarrassing!)  In not completing there is a risk of disappointing those that have believed in me for so long. (I know this is not true, they would be disappointed FOR me or WITH me not IN me, but the fear is still there.)

As I continue to walk this out and blog this out I make up that people may expect me to have some magic answer or solution for them or that this is easy for me.  Heck I expect this of myself!  But the reality is, I don’t, and it isn’t easy.  All I have is my story, my experiences, what has worked for me and what hasn’t.  So I might disappoint you!  And guys, I hate to disappoint people.  I work really hard to not let people down.  But in this I give you fair warning because I am NOT stopping my journey on this because I am afraid I might let you down because I don’t have an answer for you.

Yeah, there is much safety in remaining fat but that safety is no  longer worth it to me.  I have far more to gain by losing and the risk is worth it!  I am no longer willing to wear this security blanket of fat that has only served to keep me from living the adventurous life I dream of!  Safe is boring!