Some Of The 10,000

I have been in a weird place this past month.  Part of me is scared poop-less that this time is NOT different and yet I know that is just fear talking because I can SEE the signs that say it IS different.  The signs are not just theory or thoughts either, they are the real deal physical universe things, like Crazy Kate’s visit.  Or like wanting to run the complete opposite way of the direction I have been heading and yet not running.  I may not be moving, but I am not running either.   I am standing in the moment, feeling everything there is to feel and acknowledging its place in my life.

I have also found myself in a place of wanting to justify or rationalize Crazy Kate’s visit (which I hope you all picked up on the clues, that I do not have a twin, Kate is me!)  I have wanted to pull that blog post so many times since hitting “publish”.  I didn’t realize  until tonight when I received an email response from Aaron, that in asking him (for probably the 3rd time) what he thought of all of that situation, I was really expecting judgment.   He said this: If what is behind your question is wondering what judgment I may be placing on you because of that then rest assured that there is no judgment.  You are wading through serious stuff and as I’ve said before there are forces that do not want to see you wholly healthy and will use whatever dirty tricks possible to derail you.  This is a long road you are on.

It made me stop and think and realize that part of my fears in having this post out here in blogland is the possible judgments you all may have of me and what happened.  Judgments about my faith and where I stand on that.  Judgments about my ability or determination to lose this weight, but most of all, judgments about my sanity!  I know I am not crazy.  I know that there is a lot going on as I move forward on this journey.  And, having it all out here, is an incredibly vulnerable feeling.  But that is ok.  Vulnerability never killed anyone!

I have many fears as I continue to walk this out.

• Crazy Kate, might come back from time to time- So be it.  She ain’t got nothing on me!
• 64.8 lbs is all I will ever be able to lose, I will never break through to 65+ lbs-if that is the case, then I won’t gain back what I have lost, I will be proud of this journey and I won’t give up trying.
• this journey is going to require more trust and faith than I think I have in me- likely true, but I know the Source of all Trust and Faith and I will just get more as needed.
• this journey is going to lead me to greater risks than I have ever known.  That it will take me beyond myself.- While scary, this also sounds exciting.
• That God is after the control I keep taking back from Him, and He means to have it and hold onto it.-  I have a death grip on this control thing, but ummm I don’t think I can win against God.  He seems to always get what He wants, no matter how long it takes.  He is kind of patient like that!

I also have many hopes for myself as I continue to walk this journey out

• I am not alone-  God is always with me and when I need Jesus with skin on, He has provided me with some of the best of His creation to journey with me…and they don’t seem to be tired yet.
• I feel! – There was once a time, not long ago that I would have been considered a leper.  When Jesus healed the lepers in the Bible, he gave them their ability to feel back.  When they could feel, they could look at and fix the area that needed fixing.  While painful and overwhelming at times, I am so incredibly thankful to feel.
• this journey is not my own.- While this blog is certainly about me and my story, whichever one happens to be impacting me in the moment, there is a bigger picture being painted and I am not the artist!
• WHEN I lose this weight, it will be forever, because I am taking the time to address what gets in the way now!  It might be a slower process than I had hoped for or would like, but I would rather it be this way, than to lose and gain it all back!
• While my abuse seems to have had the most significant impact on my weight loss efforts and seems to be the thing I talk a lot about, THAT is not all of who I am.  There is so much more to me, and I look forward to discovering THAT girl as I continue this journey. (Thanks Aaron for pointing that out to me!)

Ultimately, I am me and you are reading because either you LIKE me or are simply fascinated by this life of mine or can somehow relate to my life.  For whatever reason, you are here because you choose to be here, so you get what you get…Crazy and all!

But for the record, I am NOT crazy…I just had a crazy week…and I will likely have more of them…so stick around if you want, I am glad to have you on the journey!

There Is A Safety In Being Fat

As I prepare to go to yet another weigh in, I have been thinking about some of my blogland friends and the struggles we are all facing as we battle each day to reach our goals.  And I wonder again about this time being different for me and why it is so.

Over the years I have tried dozens of times to lose weight and have lost as much as 60 lbs but with no lasting success on the scale.  Even as I write this I am not sure that this time will even be lasting success because I am still not on the other side of it.  I do know I have gone longer than ever before in any one weight loss effort and this makes me hopeful.

I have learned so much about myself over the years and as I think about this time vs all the other times I wonder if I ever really wanted it in the past.   Did I really want to be healthy?  Did I really want to be active and athletic?  Did I really want to wear that size 8 or dare I hope for a 6 dress that looks smoking?  Did I really, really want to be attractive to some guy?  Did I really want to have to start saying no to others and yes to myself?  Did I really want to give up some of my social life to spend time at the gym?  Did I really want to become more than the nice girl with the pretty face who is known for what she DOES for others more than who she is?  Did I really want to risk looking at all the contributing factors to my weight gain and actually deal with them?  Did I really want to put in the effort it would take to lose 200 lbs?  Did I really want to do WHATEVER it takes to stay on track including admitting my full weight to others and reporting it every week?  Did I really want to reign in my free spirited, live life with as little structure as possible personality and incorporate discipline in to my life to make weight loss happen?  Did I really want to give up the illusion of control I thought I had by being overweight?  Did I really want to be transformed by all that would happen if I said yes to any ONE of the above, let alone all of them?  Did I really want to risk the vulnerability it would take to have the kind of support I would need to really make this happen?

The answer is no.  I didn’t really want it.  Not for myself anyway.  I wanted to please others.  I wanted to try and fulfill their expectations of me.  I wanted to do what I knew I SHOULD do.  But really there was a safety in being fat.  I have always been fat.  It is what I know.  I know, or at least think I know, the kinds of things people think about a fat girl and have developed some good defenses against them.  You know, like the attitude of “I don’t care what you think!”  Yeah right.  I do!!  But I would never let you know it!

I know that far less guys are attracted to fat women and therefore I have been able to minimize the risk of dating relationships and the fears that stirs up in me.  This tactic has worked far too well…I have NEVER had a boyfriend.  I am 32 years old.  Up until I would say the last 5 years or so, I had no idea that this was an intentional self-protection mechanism set up as a 5 yr old after my abuse.   Even after knowing this, the risk of letting that go was far too scary to think about given that I wasn’t ready or willing to really deal with those issues yet.

I know that people have far less expectations of fat people.  They are expected to eat poorly and not exercise.  In a way that gave me permission to do just that.  I was expected to be lazy and I was.  Still am at times actually and have to fight against it.  I got to eat all sorts of yummy things like donuts and ice cream, fried chicken and butter ladden things without feeling very guilty for my gluttony because it was expected, in an odd way.  It wasn’t until people started caring enough about me to have different expectations that I began to feel guilty when I ate like that, then my eating began to be in secret! (Remind me to blog sometime about the time I flat out lied to Aaron and jeopardized our friendship for a piece of fried chicken! ok several pieces.)

For whatever reason, many people are uncomfortable around really fat people.  I am coming to know that this isn’t because we are ugly as I once thought, but perhaps it is because it stirs a discomfort in them of what they themselves could be if they gave in to what they wanted all the time.  Perhaps the insecurities and fears and loneliness that we wear so visibly on our bodies stirs something in them that is not so readily identifiable.  For this reason, it has allowed me to be able to keep many relationships on a surface level.  There is no relational risk involved.  I didn’t have to be invested so deeply in people, even though that has always been the cry of my heart, to know and be known.

I didn’t have to feel.  I used food as a substitute for emotions.  If things got painful or hard, I just ate and stuffed the emotion back down.  I never got embarrassed by unexpected tears.  I never had to apologize for angry outbursts (ok, with my siblings this was an exception).  I never had to explain myself and what was going on because I was always ok.  I was always “good” or “fine”.  Dear friends now know if I am responding in that way with no explanation, something is likely going on.  Emotions can be exhausting!  Now that I feel them, some days I go to bed just tired from FEELING all day, especially if it was a day of a variety of emotions.  Some days I wish I could go back to not feeling again…and some days I still use food for comfort.

These are just a few of the things that being fat has gotten me over the years.   But the biggest thing is being fat has kept me safe.  Safe from men, safe from scary emotions, safe from vulnerability, safe from being hurt.  Or so I thought anyway.

Now, that I am losing weight and doing so in such a public way, people have different expectations of me.  Adam is expecting that he will get to teach me to ski next winter! (WHAT?! doesn’t he know I could get injured??)  Virg, Jen, Aaron, and others not only invited me to do a triathlon relay 2 years ago but actually BELIEVED I could do it! (and that was when I was still playing around with the whole weight loss thing!)  Holy crap!  Expectations of the physical nature!  Last year, after swimming 500 meters, they believed I could swim even farther! (4th of July Tri Relay-.4 mile swim- Yeah Baby!)  And now I BELIEVE I can do even more than swim and will be swimming and running in an August Tri!   There is a new expectation that I will continue to lose and that I CAN be a LOSER!  No one (except me) doubted my ability to do a ropes course or to be able to wear a harness.

There is much risk in doing these things.  I could get injured.  I could fail to complete and have to have my butt hauled out of the water (highly embarrassing!)  In not completing there is a risk of disappointing those that have believed in me for so long. (I know this is not true, they would be disappointed FOR me or WITH me not IN me, but the fear is still there.)

As I continue to walk this out and blog this out I make up that people may expect me to have some magic answer or solution for them or that this is easy for me.  Heck I expect this of myself!  But the reality is, I don’t, and it isn’t easy.  All I have is my story, my experiences, what has worked for me and what hasn’t.  So I might disappoint you!  And guys, I hate to disappoint people.  I work really hard to not let people down.  But in this I give you fair warning because I am NOT stopping my journey on this because I am afraid I might let you down because I don’t have an answer for you.

Yeah, there is much safety in remaining fat but that safety is no  longer worth it to me.  I have far more to gain by losing and the risk is worth it!  I am no longer willing to wear this security blanket of fat that has only served to keep me from living the adventurous life I dream of!  Safe is boring!

The Choices Are The Same

One day this week I was reading in someones blog ( I wish I could remember whose it was so I could link to it) about how someone who has forty pounds to lose goes through the same processes and struggles as someone with 200 to lose.  My immediate reaction was, “oh no she didn’t!”

In my mind, I got really defensive about my own struggle to lose weight, as though it is unique to me, because I have a large amount to lose. How dare this person compare MY struggle to theirs, with ONLY 40 to lose.  Frankly I was quite irritated by this blog!  In my head, someone who has 40 pounds to lose doesn’t do the following:

• Obsess about food either by counting calories or thinking about all the things they can’t/shouldn’t have
• fear what others will think about them in the gym
• struggle through building endurance in exercise
• have “fat” days where you feel especially big
• struggle to find the right balance to kick yourself out of a plateau
• have body image struggles
• eat beyond the actual hunger point
• fill in the blank with what you struggle with

Then I got a text message from Coach.

He was rather excited to report that after months of being in a plateau in the 230’s he has FINALLY broken into the 220’s.  Coach doesn’t struggle in the same ways that I do, but his journey to become fit and healthy and in top athletic form so that he can do his best at all the athletic things he has wanted to do but never believed he could do(he is training for triathlons!),  has NOT been without struggle.  Coach is a big dude!  He is 6’5″  with broad shoulders.  He is most definitely not a small framed dude!  I personally would never classify Coach as being fat or overweight, but it doesn’t matter what I think.  All that matters is how he feels in his body.   He feels that he has always been on the heavier side and part of his history includes being teased for his size when he was younger.  I also know that he has also had body image issues and has never been one to enjoy taking his shirt off in public.  Hmmm…all this sounds so familiar to me!

Over the last months I know he has tracked calories either by calorie counts or through Weight Watchers points, he exercises probably 4-6 days a week, serious workouts folks.  He is no pansy in the gym.  I would say he is there a minimum of 2 hours between cardio and weights.  He bikes, he runs, he swims, he lifts weights.  He has tried various methods that should help boost metabolism.  He has analyzed his body fat ratio.  He has a spreadsheet for all of his data as he has tried to figure out why he couldn’t break out of the 230’s.  Truly, it has been months and months.  I would dare say that this has likely been going on since before I moved back to Detroit in February.

Coach does not have 100’s of pounds to lose, he wants to lose maybe 20 more and to become leaner and stronger.  His struggle is not the same as mine.  As far as I know he does not have a story of sexual abuse that has wreaked havoc within him, but that doesn’t make his story(with his own set of wounds) any less valid than mine.  He does not struggle with massive amounts of weight to lose or a lifetime battle of being severely overweight.

Yet, when he sent me that message that he had finally broken out of the plateau and what he thought was contributing to it, I was so genuinely excited for him.  I know what it is like to break through a milestone and reach a goal that I set for myself.  I know what it feels like to work so hard and not see the results I was hoping for.  I know what it is like to feel defeated and like my dream is never gonna happen the way I want it to.  See, while our numbers are different and the stories of our lives are different there are many similarities.

• We both want to be the healthiest versions of ourselves possible
• We both want to compete in athletic events, just because we can
• We both want to live long, full lives
• We both have to choose everyday to eat healthy
• We both have huge sweet tooths!
• We both have been putting in a lot of hard work on our respective goals

So see, I have come to realize that the above mentioned blogger is right.  We all go through the same process and a similar struggle to lose weight.  My struggle is not unique to me.  My insecurities are not unique to me.  My fears are not unique to me.  I don’t have a right to claim it as my own and therefore discount someone else’s struggle for the same thing, simply because the numbers are less.

These thoughts of mine were further challenged when I made a comment to another friend about him not having struggled with weight before.  He quickly came back with “I wouldn’t say I have never struggled with weight!”  It really got me thinking, because in my mind he is a very healthy guy.  He tries to eat healthy most of the time, incorporates physical activity into his daily life even if it is not a traditional “workout”.  So to hear him say that he has never struggled just did not make sense to me.  OK, so maybe he doesn’t have the 6-pack he had in college.  He certainly doesn’t have a beer belly now!

But he still has to make choices everyday to live well and to eat well and sometimes that is not always easy, for him either, even though it LOOKS easier to me.

The only differences to be had among any of us are those within my story that led me to have the insecurities, fears, pounds, etc. to lose.   Our stories themselves are unique to each of us in how we relate to them but the choices each day to really choose life in a tangible health related way, are the same for all of us, no matter how much or little we have to lose.

See, Aaron isn’t the only one who makes quick judgments about others.  He has made them about fat people.  I make them about skinny people! (see previous post if you haven’t read his entry on this!)

Climbing Wall

I promised a story about the climbing wall, so a story you will get.

After I did the Grapevine element of the high ropes course, many of my fears were alleviated.  I now knew that I could do far more than I thought.   I now had an idea of what to expect as far as heights go, and I now knew the ropes would hold me.  So now, what else can I do?

I looked around and watched kids going down the zip line and thought…now THAT would stretch me.  Because I would have to jump off a platform and swing/slide all the way down.  I wanted to do it.  However, to get up there you have to climb the wall first.

I know the climbing wall takes a ton of physical strength.  You really have to use all of your arms and legs to propel yourself up the wall.  I was not sure I could physically do it.  I honestly did not think I had the physical strength to lift my full body weight up it.  I mean really, that is 300 lbs to be lifting.  But I was willing to try it.  For the zip line.

So I hook in and walk up to the wall and I can’t even get one leg up on a peg.  It was like a really high step up with no downward leverage to assist.  Dang, I am not gonna be able to do it!  Well, this really nice staff person says, “wait…let me get a box for you to step on, that will get you started.”

OK.

She proceeds to pull out a cheap Rubbermaid like tote.  Plastic. My thoughts on this?

THAT is not meant to hold a 300 lb woman.   I actually voiced this thought to her but she assured me that it would.

OK.  So far these people have not lied to me.

They told me the harness would fit.  It did.

They told me the ladder would hold.  It did.

They told me the wires and ropes would hold.  They did.

They told me that I would not fall to the ground while my balayer went up.  I did not.

So I trusted this woman, despite my better judgement, and I stood on the plastic tote.

It broke.

Very quickly I began to un-hook myself.  I was done.  Mortified.  I just wanted away from that scene as quickly as possible!  I should have listened to my own inner voice that said…that box will not hold you, Kim!

Travis, (see previous post) pipes in and says…”if you give me two seconds to finish this, I will give you my knee.  I promise it won’t break.”

Umm no thanks. Break a box, I am embarrassed, but the box is replaceable and cheaply so.  If I break his knee…not so easy to fix or replace and certainly not inexpensive.

I am done. I unhooked.  Took off the harness and went and played games with my lovely teenagers who seemed to think nothing of this event and who either by wisdom or oblivio, never said a word about it!

I am going to go against my better judgement again and actually share the photos from the Grapevine.

Climbing The Pole

45 Feet In The Air...Freaking Out!

Coming Down

Yeah, harnesses are not the most attractive apparel.  They seem to accentuate all the faults and imperfections.

In other news…soon you will hear a voice besides mine…one of the people I speak often of because of the impact he often has on me and my journey is going to be writing a guest blog post.  So stay tuned for who and what he will be writing about!  I am sure it will be great!

Reality Check!

AS I said in my last post, the last few weeks have been filled with travelling and not eating the best and not much exercise to even make up for it. I think the worst thing I did with my eating was to not eat as regularly as I should and skipping meals completely. It is because I skipped alot of meals that I know I did not go over calories.

My plan was to weigh in yesterday, but I got a later start leaving Grand Rapids….yes I always procrastinate my departure…and well, I don’t like to eat anything before I weigh in. So, it was noon before I even made it to Aaron’s office to deliver a coffee and say bye to him…and he very gently (as is his way) asked me if I was still planning not to eat until after I weighed in! (which would put my first meal of the day after 3 PM!). Nope, not planning to do that anymore…so I stopped and had lunch with Carol…then headed home. Of course, then I did not want to weigh in with food in me….do you see my procrastination???? I was very nervous about how bad my last few weeks were going to show on the scale!

SO this morning, I was procrastinating once again, but still moving towards getting ready to go out to weigh in when I received a text from Aaron…wondering where the scale update was!! All right! All right!! Already! I will move faster!

All that to say, I weighed in today for the first time since my gain of 1.4 lbs and found I had lost 2 LBS. I was quite surprised! I got off the scale and then got back on! It read the same thing! I couldn’t believe it! It is interesting….all my talk about how the scale is just a tool for feedback. Completely unbiased honest feedback…and yet I still fear it at times…guess that is one more idol that needs to keep being brought back down to the low place it deserves, even when it gives me numbers I like!

I am now .5 lbs from hitting 50 LBS!! Come on Tuesday!!! I am excited because on my weight loss ticker in my sidebar…I am now far enough away from my starting weight that you can read all 3 numbers…starting weight, current weight, and goal weight!! Before you wouldn’t have known there was a starting weight, then it overlapped it and didn’t know what it was!! Very fun!!