Tag Archive | fears

Living In The Tension Of What Is and What Is To Come

It has been a while since I have busted out the “Kim’s Translation” of the Bible and it is about overdue 😉 (This one came with a little help from my Pastor in trying to communicate this concept, Thanks Jim)

There is a theology/thought/belief/biblical idea about the Kingdom of God being here, but not yet.

Pause.

Say what??

I know, sounds kind of crazy, right?  Here, but not really?  What does this mean?

Let me ATTEMPT to explain, but remember, I am no theologian, I am just a girl working out her faith and learning along the way.  My understanding of the Bible will change over time as I grow, but for today, this is how I understand it, with help from Jim!

So, Jesus came to earth to fulfill a promise(or several promises really)  He came that we might have life, abundant life.  Overflowing life.  Life to the full. He came to bring His Kingdom, His ways, His power, to earth, to give it to us and when He returned to heaven, he left His Spirit with us…so we can have those things.

The problem.  We are still on earth, and while we are now the Temple for the Holy Spirit and it/he resides in us, It does not reside in all because not all have received it/him.  And, we are not in heaven yet, and we still live in a world that has sin all around us every day, and often we (I) are the perpetrators of such sin.

So we have this promise of abundant life and yet because of the sin in the world and in our lives, we don’t get to experience the fullness of that hope and promise yet.

Think of it this way, Grandma is baking her best cookies for you.  You love these cookies.  They are the best cookies ever!  She puts them in the oven and then hands you the spoon to lick.  You savor that spoon and can’t wait til those cookies are done.  You have just had a foretaste and you KNOW these cookies, in all due time, will be AMAZING and you can hardly wait. You watch the timer.  You count the minutes.  You wait in anticipation for the FULLNESS of what is to come.

That is what it means to say that the Kingdom of God is here, but not yet.

Now,what the heck does this have to do with anything I have ever written about?

Well, in this here, not yet idea, lies a tension.  A tension to want to push the process, to speed things up, to manipulate the thermostat to make those cookies get done quicker vs waiting patiently for the process to happen in the best way possible under the absolutely best conditions…and according to the Master’s GREATEST plan.  Grandma’s cookies are the best because she knows what she is doing.  Let her do her thing!

So, I am realizing, my journey is alot like this.  Just as God has begun a good work in me and will see it to completion, Leif has also begun a good work in my body and has restored great hope for me that my body is in fact NOT BROKEN and can and will lose weight.

In the last month, I have struggled with the tension of trusting Leif and Tate with their GREATEST plan for my body that will help to fulfill their promise to me of achieving lasting fat loss.  In the restoration of hope in this area, dreams I never knew I held within me were released into my soul and I began to anticipate what it might be like to be at goal.  I began to dream of things I never dared to dream before.  Dreams of perhaps wearing a bikini was a big one even if for only one day before realizing I am far to modest for that. But really the idea that if I wanted to I COULD wear one and really own it and work it!

More and more though, my body has been shifting and changing and while I am starting to look amazing in clothes, I know what lies underneath those clothes and that underneath those clothes, a time has come where I have had to start wearing Spanx, or some version of them, aka a girdle(this was a hard place to be in to have to buy and wear this article of clothing).   I see in the mirror all the loose skin and the unevenness in which my weight is coming off.  It is not pretty folks. In fact, it has been devastating.  I think, or at least it feels like, I have cried more this past month than I did during the 2 years when I was actively engaging my sexual abuse healing/therapy.  Now, that might not be true, given that I am a bit removed from that time, but sheesh, it sure feels like it.

I have begun to worry about what is to come and if those dreams that were birthed in me along with renewed hope would ever come true.  Or if I will have to find a very rich man to marry who can pay for skin removal surgery.  In all of this I have found myself angry at both Leif and Tate for bringing me to such a place that I would dare dream of something that just doesn’t seem possible, in this moment, in this mirror image that I see when I am naked and alone.

So I find myself in this tension of both hope and despair.  Hope and excitement of what IS happening and what is to come…and realizing I need to let go of some of those dreams of things I cannot control so that the cards can be played out.  A tension of trust vs control.  I have two men who know what they are doing.  They are the BEST cookie makers in the business, if you will.  Me begging them to give me all the ins and outs of their recipe in the moment is NOT going to make things happen any faster or better.  If I understood exactly what was happening, I would be tempted to manipulate and control things instead of simply trusting these two body whisperers.

Now just because I finally have words to explain where I have been this past month doesn’t make it any easier.  I have had to put blinders on like they do on a horse at a parade so that I can’t see all that is around me and be distracted.  Despite my chaotic emotional state that has felt crazy as I live out the tension, I have had to do whatever was necessary to stay true to the plan, nutritionally and training wise.  I have had to stop looking at new friends results and comparing their journey’s to mine.   During this time, I have gotten ugly.  Ironic, since my journey is about becoming beautiful, the kind of beautiful that Jesus would behold!

I have NOT represented myself or Jesus well.  I could blame it on “Dieter’s Rage” but that would be me not taking responsibility for my life and actions.  Daily, it has been a battle and as I wrestled with trusting these two men, particularly Tate, I have lashed out and said some really ugly things.  Hurtful things.  I realize in hindsight that I just wanted to feel like I had some semblance of control over some piece of all of this journey.  Slowly, I am learning…in Faith, my job is to trust Jesus where He leads and He has led me to these men. In my body transformation, my job is to trust these two and to not treat them poorly when they hold the line for me.   Fortunately, for me, Jesus is a master at forgiveness, and Leif and Tate don’t take it personal when I lash out, and they too forgive me.

For now though, I have my 60 lbs lost, my foretaste of what is to come, if I would trust the process.  I have the promise, it is mine to collect on, but it’s not all the way here.  Yet. It is a journey, a process, and I am not done yet.

Tension.

A picture of hope, me-mid process. 2 photos taken a year apart, although really, all the change has happened in the last 6 months.

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Good Coaches VS Friends

As I keep journeying on and I keep making progress and I continue to have crazy girl meltdowns, I am realizing that there is a difference between a coach and a friend.

A friend will

  • listen with compassion to the woes of your heart
  • will hold you as you cry out your fears, frustrations, and heartache
  • they will cry with you
  • they will get angry with you over the things that make you mad
  • they will cheer for you no matter what
  • they will run to your side when you fall down and make sure you are ok and perhaps even encourage a small break while you get your bearings again.

A coach will

  • draw a line in the sand and expect you to cross it
  • they will not cry with you when you fail or when you are having a breakdown
  • they will always encourage you to keep going
  • they have been hired to do a job, to get you to goal, and they will do it at all costs.
  • they will hold the line firm.  They will set the bar.  They will accept nothing less than your best.
  • they will stand nearby when you fall, encouraging you back up and right back into the race.  No breaks, no rest.  Just get up and keep going.

My struggle is I want my coach’s to be my friends.  When I am in a tough place I want them to dig in with me and help me figure out what is going on.  I want them to be like the man I call “Coach” and Aaron.  I want them to tell me that they understand and all that other stuff that tells me I am not alone.

But I am realizing, if they are to be good coaches, if they are to get me to goal, they can’t also be my friends.  Not like I would like anyway.  There has to be a separation of sorts. They can’t blur the lines with emotional stuff or they will not be able to hold the line firm for me as I press on.  A friend is likely to drop the line and swoop in to rescue me when I flounder.  A coach, a good coach, will not.

This journey is forcing me to learn to set aside my ever relational heart and to learn to let go and simply trust another.   When my coaches don’t respond to me in a way that necessarily feels good or feels compassionate, I have to remember, they have a job to do.  They cannot allow themselves to get entangled in my “stuff”.  They must remain objective.  They are there to create the plans that will get me to goal, not to hold my hand when I fall. I am grateful for this.  I am.  I see the need and value in it.  AND it is a hard line for me, being who I am.

It has only taken me 5 trainers/coaches to realize that this “line” is not a personal thing…it is a professional line.  I think I need to start learning quicker.

How Is It Between Us?

I have been asked to write again and I have been planning to write about my new eating plan Daniel has me on but that is not what is on my mind tonight.

Tonight, a Sara Groves song is playing in my head, called How is it Between Us?  Sara works lyrically to try to describe a feeling she is having when she wakes up and she can’t quite grasp it in words but the feeling leads her to ask, How is it between us Lord?

This morning, I had a weigh in for a work contest (yes, I have to weigh in every 2 weeks, ugh…I had just laid down the scale, but that is another story) and discovered that in the last 2 weeks, I lost 1 pound.   This should be exciting and good news and positive, right?  Unfortunately, as my co-workers came out that old jealousy and bitterness that I was feeling pre-exorcism came back with a vengeance and it was a battle all day long to NOT sink into that place.  One lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks and I KNOW she eats fast food every day for lunch and doesn’t workout!

It is not easy to avoid that dark place so as that song played in my head I felt like God was asking me that question.  Kim, How is it between us?  This is my response.

God,

I feel like this weight issue is a thing between us.  I feel like you only hear me when I get desperate about it and really angry but really nothing changes.  I know you have a plan for me and my life, but my weight is not just weight for me.  It is the thing that seems to have everything else on hold.  My plan was to spend one year focused on this and get it under control and figure it out and we are working on year 4 and I am the same weight now as when I started.  My plan was to lose the weight, not simply because of physical beauty but so that I would have a story to tell of redemption and grace. My plan was to lose the weight and feel confident and perhaps start dating and find a guy and get married and have babies.   And that…is the crux of it.  As I approach 36 years old I feel like time is running out.  I am afraid I will be alone forever, never having experienced the giddiness of a first date,  the excitement of falling in love or the absolute wonder of life growing in my belly.  I know, those things can still happen fat or thin, but it sure would be wonderful to have one less thing to have to doubt about.  It would be nice to feel confident in my body and at home in my skin and like I would actually WANT some man to look at my body let alone touch me.   So yeah, how is it between us?

On some levels I feel closer to You than ever.  I see areas of my life you are calling out of me.  You seem to have a plan for me and it is exciting and yet it is nothing that I have asked for.  Sometimes I feel like a kid at Christmas.  Parents ask for a list and I carefully make that list and give it over and then on Christmas Day, while I am getting wonderful gifts and I am delighted, I am still disappointed that none of the items on my list were received…and I wonder…why bother asking me for a list?  Why bother giving a list?  Why bother sharing my desires when You clearly have a different plan.

So, it is a mixed bag.  I don’t know if I am supposed to continue sitting back and letting Daniel handle my body and the nutrition and let him figure that piece out or am I supposed to be searching more aggressively for something else.  What does trusting you look like in this?  All I know, is it is hard and I don’t want to slip back into that place where I was angry and bitter.  I don’t want to become an angry petulant kid stomping her foot demanding what I feel I deserve.   I just want to be honest and all I know is that the desire to lose weight is not nearly as strong as those other desires to be a wife and a mom and to have all of those experiences.  My nephew at 11 speaks of wanting 8 babies.  At 35, I am holding out hope for one.

How is it between us?  IT is between us and I don’t know how to remove IT.

Weary Again

Hi guys!  Yes I am still here.  I keep wanting to blog but I like to blog chronologically and I have all theses other posts that I want to write about but don’t seem to have time or motivation to write right now, so I have written nothing.  I am realizing that is so detrimental to me.  This blog is a lifeline for me in my processing of all of this stuff and so it is with a lot of intentionality(is that a word Coach?) that I write this post.  Maybe one day I will get back to those other posts and maybe not.  Regardless I will no let their pending status keep me from writing more.

SO I have been here.  Loving my workouts still.  Had a minor back injury that I got healed of (that I MUST write about soon)  It took me out for about a week but has been great ever since.   I have been struggling with the eating a bit with the holidays, but who doesn’t?  My body is doing what it does best with the numbers which is, it works and responds to the new program well for a couple of months then seems to stop changing or reversing.  SO Daniel and I are trying to figure it out.  He has proposed some ideas that I consider crazy and before I say yes or no, I am doing some serious research on them.  I no longer trust trainers blindly.  They may know a lot about fitness and nutrition, but only I have been dealing with the complexity of my body for as long as I have.  Unfortunately, every trainer has their own idea of what will work and what is healthy and they all seem to be completely opposite and in conflict with what I know or from the previous trainers ideas.  So as I research on my own, I tend to freeze up and become paralyzed with indecision.

This journey is long my friends.  I knew this going in that it would not be a quick fix and that nothing would happen overnight.  But this is far longer than I anticipated for this phase of this journey and I am in a place of weariness where it really is a fight to keep stepping forward right now.  Once again I am grasping to find the scripture that says that good things will come “if you do not grow weary”.

In the last 3 years, I have looked at the condition of my heart, I have sought counseling and group therapy, I have looked at diet and nutrition, I have done every kind of workout imaginable, I have auditioned for a tv show and I have brought my community along with me for the ride to help keep me awake when I start to fall asleep at the wheel (so to speak). I have looked at my past and the contribution that it has made to who I am and how I respond to the things life throws at me.  I have sought out my Dr and the possibility that there is a medical reason for all of this.

My family doesn’t know half of this stuff I have done to work on all of this, they only see the workouts and the nutrition.  It was rather difficult on Thanksgiving to have them all talking about me while I was sitting there and how I should be skinny by now.

I know.  I SHOULD be.  While I know they were trying to be encouraging and loving, it was quite difficult to have all of my own thoughts about what should be voiced by others in my presence without actually talking to me.

So what is next?  I am weary and heavy laden, not with the workouts, I love them, but just with the journey.  I am tired of thinking about it and trying to figure it out.  I am tired of getting my hopes up only to have progress slowly stop.

When I whine about all of this, please hear also that I do see strength gains and my clothes do fit different.  Most days those things get me excited and I am able to set aside the scale and measurements and recognize these things as equally important accomplishments.  Like I said, I am weary though and it is much more difficult to battle that fully when all your energy seems to go towards not crawling in a hole.

Tonight, I am going to meet with my pastor and a woman from my church to do some intensive prayer stuff about all of this.  I am not sure how to describe this or explain what it is or even what I hope to get out of it so I am just going to leave it at that and say, I am nervous and since it has gotten scheduled it seems that there has been all manner of discouragement going on.

Since scheduling it, I have felt the most intense feelings of loneliness and despair I have felt in a long time.  My car has a pending repair scheduled that is going to cost a butt load of money I don’t have yet (hence its pending status) and last night my windshield wipers stopped working in the middle of the highway while raining.  The simplicity of having to rely on new friends to take care of me and that situation just left me feeling incredibly raw and vulnerable.  Regardless of it being a holiday week, I feel like this week has been incredibly rough on the eating front.  I know it is nerves and anxiety and am working to control it and give myself some grace about it too. All of this stuff seems to be intensifying as my appointment time draws closer.  Honestly, I am afraid to get out of bed today.  Who knows what might go wrong today that I will have to deal with when I already feel incredibly fragile and oh not so strong at all.

With that said, I’ll be damned if I let the enemy win in this journey or in this day. He is coming after me with all of his biggest guns this week and he has certainly won some battles but he will. not. win. this. war.

So if you read this and are one who prays, my appointment is at 8 PM, but I need mercy today.  I need the pressure to release a bit.  or maybe I don’t.  Maybe the pressure is perfect heading into this.  I don’t know.  (yes I am aware I am talking in circles, that is what happens when I don’t have a plan for my writing and write for the purpose of processing).  So pray as you are led to pray today.

As for me, I am going to get out of bed and make it through another day.

2.5 Years…And Counting

In February, I will officially have been going steady at this round of this journey for 2.5 years.   2.5 years of serious work on all aspects of me. Spiritual, Emotional and Physical me.   I know I need to write out some goals for 2011 and I know I should really look back at the 2010 plan and see where I stand on that.  I think I hit a lot of things and I know in the area that seems to mean the most to me right now, I failed.  ok that is not true.  There is a lot of victory in holding steady.  This is the longest I have gone without regaining weight that I have lost.  I am told this is progress.  Regardless of how I feel, I am choosing to believe this.

I have hesitated to write the 2011 blog plan out partly because my thoughts are not clear and partly because putting my hopes in writing…well I don’t want to put them in writing.  Not now when I am struggling with the disappointment of the last year.  Not now when I am feeling weary again of this journey.

2.5 years is taking its toll on me.  At least today it is.  I hate to even write this because I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and I will be in a different place or at least I hope so anyway.   But this is my story…moment by moment.  And in this moment, I am a weepy, tired, discouraged, jealous mess. I am sure one day I will look back on today and see Beauty in it, but for now, in this moment, I am tired of this journey.  This emotional roller coast that I now get to fully experience (thanks to some wonderful healing) is draining and I am certain not all that fun for those who get my low-end puking.  Some days I wonder why I sought counseling to reconnect with my feelings.  Some days I think being disconnected was far better.

I hate that it seems to be a constant battle to stay  in this lately.  Constant choices that don’t come the slightest bit easy.   And when I don’t make the “right” choice then the onslaught of doubts that I will ever hit my goal hits hard.  A nice solid 1  2 punch for the KO.   I hate the battle within myself to do this perfectly and if I don’t then it means complete failure.  2010 was a quest for grace and balance.  I don’t think I achieved that one yet!  I always feel like I can do or ought to do more or do what I am doing better and because I am not doing better, then perhaps that is why results are coming.

Compound that with an insane jealousy/bitterness towards all those New Years Resolutioners who started walking for 30 minutes 3 times a week and changed their diet just a little bit and suddenly they are dropping 3 and 4 pounds a week (like some of my coworkers) and really…I read some of your blogs and I know my own journey and I know how hard we fight for every pound and I know how long we have journeyed on this road together and well in a not so successful attempt to not sound whiny…IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!

And so, I want to be done.  No, I am not quitting.  But I do want to be done.  I am just venting and whining a bit and expressing frustration over this journey cuz it’s my blog and I can whine if I want to and cuz it’s been one of those hard weepy days.

I will be putting together a 2011 plan/goals post/page.  It will probably read something like this:

Do whatever Demond says to do for as long as he tells me to do it until desired results are achieved and to keep blogging my frustrations and my joys so  they don’t eat me up inside and so I will have all the more fodder for that book Coach seems to think I am writing.

And since this is an emotional journey, which tends to look a lot like a ride at Cedar Point, tomorrow’s blog post may have a totally different tone to it….who knows.

 

 

Holiday Struggles

I am a bit delayed in my blog writing, but this is part of an email/blog I wrote between Christmas and New Years that I have been meaning to get around to publishing…So this is a bit historic now, but this is where I was at between the Holidays.

According to the New Kim Translation of the Bible, somewhere in all the letters written by Paul, this man named Paul speaks of not doing what he should do and doing what he knows he ought not to do and being frustrated by his own humanness.  I am sure with a few keystrokes I could find the exact passage I am thinking of, but I think you get the idea.

I often feel like this man Paul, who is lauded as a great man of faith.  A man who did worlds for spreading the Gospel.  A man who was committed without question to the work set before him…and yet he was a man who struggled with that commitment from time to time.

I wonder if he wondered what the heck he was doing in this world?  I wonder if he questioned his commitment, his faith, his dedication, or his standing in the faith community.  Did he question his motives and have to run himself through the ringer on a day-to-day basis just to keep going?

When it comes to this weight loss journey and this journey of becoming fully alive and whole, I question myself all the time.  I wonder what I am doing and why?  I wonder if I have what it takes.  I wonder where my commitment is and how it can seem to come and go at a moments notice.  This questioning is sometimes slimy attacks meant to steal, kill and destroy.  At other times, the questioning is me being crazy.  Hello! You have all had the opportunity to meet Krazy Kate, my nemesis…if not read back far enough you will find her.  And other times, the questioning is healthy and good and promotes more Beauty.  I like that kind of questioning.

Does the questioning and wondering mean I am giving up?  Does it mean I am any less committed? Hell NO!  It is just part of the process folks. Just part of the process.

So right now of course I am questioning everything.  My resolve and my commitment.  I am having fears and doubts about whether I have what it takes to make this phase of my journey complete AND about whether or not I am sabotaging myself.  Yes folks, I am wondering that.  It has been a long time since I have wondered that about myself.

I am FINALLY making scale progress and I fully believe that if I continue on with Demond and his plan and do as I am told, I could very easily, ok not so easily, be almost to goal weight by next Christmas.  Seriously.  We have set an aggressive goal of 2.5 lbs per week, but with any loss being acceptable.  Gotta aim high right!

This is exciting.  Should be motivating.  Should be heart pumping.  Should be something that gets me in the gym everyday with my eye on the prize!

Right?

Well, folks, believe it or not…there is also something very scary about all of that and it is hitting me hard this week. I know, historically, prior to dealing with my abuse issues that I would sabotage out of fear of being victimized again.  The weight was the protection.  But now, I don’t believe that is where the fear is coming from.   For the past 2 years I have been the girl who works out all the time, counts calories and is working hard to lose weight.  This journey has consumed my life.  I have developed new interests all surrounding fitness.  Running, biking, swimming.  Who knows what will come as I lose more.  Will I love skiing once Adam teaches me how?  Do I love running because I really love running or is it because by running, I am saying, “In your face!” to all who judge me for my size?

The end is in sight folks and what I don’t know is if those interests are there as a means to an end or do I REALLY love them.  Who am I outside of this journey anymore?  Ask any of my friends or look at my Facebook wall, if you are privy to that, and you will know that the conversation that consumes my life is this one.  Weight loss.

When I am at goal, who will I be?  What will I love doing?  How will I spend my time if not in the gym or meal planning or counting calories and sending spreadsheets to the likes of Coach, Aaron and Demond?  What if I lose focus and gain it all back?  I don’t know how to do life as a normal healthy size girl…never been her before…and that is coming.

I know, Coach, I hear you in my head already.  Irrational fears all of them.  And besides December 2011 isn’t even here yet.  Cross that bridge when you get there.  (do I know you or what?)

I know Aaron, I hear you too.  Telling me I am more than just a number and how me living my life out loud encourages so many and how THAT is who I am no matter what I am doing.

Demond, I even hear you in my head telling me you are with me to the end and when it comes time to move out of weight loss mode you will be there to transition me to healthy maintenance and a balanced lifestyle.

I know this stuff.  I know my fears and hesitations are crazy.  But it is good to question from time to time.  Gotta question whether my lack of motivation is laziness, lack of commitment or something else.  I think this week…it is a mixed bag…and the fear stuff, I know is unfounded.  Nevertheless, it is there and it has ALL been getting in my way.

But I am not quitting.  Do not hear that.  I am not going Crazy Kate on you all again.  I am simply wrestling around with some demons and got knocked around a little.

You Are Not Allowed…

This morning was a workout with Demond. I was pretty excited.  (I would love to win the lottery so I could afford to pay him for 3x a week workouts!  Someone, buy me a ticket!)

Demond came out to me on this frigid Michigan morning for this workout.  I soon learned that today was going to be about pushing my limits.

He started me out on the treadmill at 3.7 mph.  Seriously, one more nudge up and I would have been able to break into an easy run stride, except he then increased the incline.  Over 20 minutes, he kept me at that speed and increased the inclines every 2 minutes.  No problem.  I have done these before.  Except not at this speed and he has never taken me past an incline of 12.  Today, he took me to 15.  At 14, he told me I would be going back down, but then he increased it again.  So when the 2 minutes of 15 was done, I hit the decrease button before he could increase it again on me.  I could barely stay on the machine.

Once he got me off that, we headed to the weight room.  As we were leaving, some guy tells me “Great job!”  Some other guys says, “Did you see him trying to kill her?”

Umm yeah….so how come you didn’t have my back?

We got to the weight room, where I discovered that I have been doing my weight circuit wrong!  I have been using 10 lb dumb bells for just about everything and couldn’t figure out why it was so hard and why I could do it when Demond was there but not when he wasn’t!  I thought I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough!  HA!!  Should have been using 5 lbs!

Here too though, he increased weights and who knows what else, since I have been doing it wrong…and it was just as difficult.

After that we headed back for more cardio.  He tells me, all I have to give him is 5 easy minutes.  That’s it.  5 Minutes.

Umm yeah.  5 minutes of what??  If it is not a duration thing, then it has gotta be hella intense if it is only 5 minutes.

He leads me to the stairway to heaven.  I know I am in trouble if he only wants 5 minutes here, because he has previously had me doing 10 minutes!

He gets it started and immediately pushes it to level 3.  ummm, I don’t think I have ever done 5 straight minutes of level 3.  I am so nervous now.  I am in for it.  At about 2 minutes, he pushes it up to level 4.

My breathing was out of whack, it was hella hard and my legs were shaking.  I told him I couldn’t keep up this pace.  He told me I could.  I shook my head no!  I can’t!

We went back and forth.  I tried to lower the speed and he increased it.  I tried to cover the buttons so he couldn’t, but he did it anyway.

I started panicking.  I really felt like I was gonna fall off or pass out…or something.  Demond of course was paying attention and was trying in his calm, southern voice to calm me down.  He kept telling me to get a rhythm with my breathing…to slow it down.  He repeatedly told me I could do this and to just keep going.  I didn’t believe him.

Now there have been times while working out with him(and even with Jess and Kelly), that I have had to push through some stuff that I didn’t think I could do.  It was hard and I wanted to stop machines or take breaks but I didn’t.  I tried so hard to keep going and to calm down, but my panic out did me and without thinking, I reached up and hit STOP!

Now, have you ever done something as a kid or a teenager that soooo either angered your parents or so severely disappointed them that when they spoke it was in a chillingly calm voice.  That voice, that when you heard it, you KNEW you messed up, and you just WISHED they would scream, or yell, or even spank you?

THAT was the voice I got from Demond in the seconds that followed.

In THAT voice, I was told that I am NOT allowed to ever stop the machine, no matter what. If necessary, he would lower the speed, but HE decides that, not me.

He then started it again and I finished out my last 40 seconds at a ridiculously fast pace.   While I was doing it though, he said I was going until 5:30, but I think he must have forgotten that he set the timer for only 5 minutes, because at 5 it stopped and I just looked at him, unsure whether I could get down or not and not DARING to do so until he told me to!

He let me off…then we took a walk over to the mats where he graciously stretched me out.

Thank God for that!!!

….and yes, even after THAT, I wish I could afford to pay him for 3x a week workouts because man…it is this kind of stuff that is producing results finally…

 

NOTE: I do not know if he was angry or disappointed, that is just the tone of voice I heard and what it reminded me of.  You do not dare to cross that voice….ever!