Tag Archive | daniel

Help Me To Trust, Lord!

Wow,I am sorry it has taken so long to write again, especially after that really scary sounding post!

I did meet with my Pastor and my friend Julia that night.  I went in not knowing what to expect and half fearing that they would discover I was possessed or some other strange thing like that and have to pull out the garlic water and perform an exorcism!

Alas, nothing as dramatic or scary as that occurred.  I am not possessed.  No exorcism needed.

Now before you all go getting freaked out and writing me off as some freak, let me explain.  We are spiritual beings living in a spiritual world and contrary to what we may WANT to believe, not all things spiritual are so nice.  So while I joke (sort of ) about being possessed, I am also aware and fully believe that it is possible for some to become possessed.

I went into this time with my Pastor uncertain and nervous.  I KNEW I could not be possessed but there is a possibility of spiritual influence and I wanted to be free of that, if in fact it was influencing things for me at all.

The time consisted of me sharing some of my journey with Jim and Julia.  Where I have been, what I have been up to.  My fears of forever being fat and my deep knowledge that THIS is not what God would have for me.  I shared a deep deep feeling of being unheard in my times of prayer and even worse than that a feeling of being ignored by God.  If I didn’t share this with them I certainly was able to recognize an almost tangible anger towards Him about this being ignored business.

You see, while I continue to work and struggle and wont give up on this journey, I also was finding myself increasingly angry when I would hear of others success.  I would hear of people who cut out soda and didn’t exercise at all and would be losing weight or walk 20 minutes a day and not really change how they ate and I would verbally say congratulations but inside I was seething with jealousy and anger.  It wasn’t fair!  When would it be my time?  When will my hard work pay off?

No small amount of tears were shed in this small room on the upper level of the building that houses our church offices.

Jim and Julia who have great gifts of hearing the hearts of others and then listening for the voice of God in that, listened and questioned then prayed over me.   At various times they prayed fervently and with authority casting out doubt and fear and insecurity.  They spoke words of encouragement over me and in those moments I felt like God was present and able to hear, if not me, at least them.  They prayed over my memories of my sexual abuse and the chaotic home I lived in growing up.  They spoke Truth to me in ways I have not heard in a long time, with great authority.  They prayed about the longings of my heart and my desire to live a life pleasing to God.

After over an hour and a half of sharing and prayer and weeping, I left exhausted.   I left with a new hope.  And I left with a sense of wonder over what this time would mean for my journey.

You see I had yet to set up my appointment with an endocrinologist that my Dr was referring me to.  I didn’t know if I needed to anymore or would this time be the “fix” that was needed.

A couple of days after I left that room, I found myself at work.  A woman came up to me at the Credit Union where I work and said to me, “Kim, I was hoping to see you today!  I wanted to tell you, after talking to you and knowing how much you work out, I started my own program and have lost 20 lbs since Sweetest Day!”

I was surprised by my response.  For the first time in a VERY long time, my inward emotion matched the words I shared with her!  I was proud of her, encouraged by her, and excited for her!  And, I was in awe to see that despite the lack of weight loss in my body, living my life out loud has had an impact on others. This woman, who knows me by name and by story, now has a story of her own to tell, a story to be excited about…and I still had to ask her for her ID before I would give her money out of her account!  This woman, who I still don’t remember her name, is taking up a challenge I gave her to train for and run the Detroit Turkey Trot with me next year!

After she left, tears came to my eyes, as it dawned on me…God did meet me in that room a few nights back, He IS at work in my life and in my heart even if it is not on the timetable I would like.  He has not been ignoring me…He just hasn’t been saying what I want Him to say or doing what I want Him to do.  He is not a puppet on a string that I get to control nor am I a puppet He gets to control.  If anything, in my anger and bitterness, my ears have been closed to Him.  I shared this story with Jim, and He asked if I would share at church.

You can listen here. Choose the sermon called “Gods Heart for Outcasts”

You will have to put up with a pop up that says our church has moved.  Just hit escape!

What does this mean going forward?  Am I still going to see the endocrinologist?

What I know for now, is that I need to keep working out and making healthy choices.  The results, I will leave to my trainer(Daniel) and my Dr. to figure out.  I am going to keep laying my worry and my fears down and keep picking up trust as often as I need to…(feel free to remind me if you see me doing otherwise)  This doesn’t mean I won’t play an active role in the decisions regarding my journey, it just means I am not going to fret about it.

In fact, I DID see the endocrinologist.  Stay tuned for that story…

Daniel has a new plan drawn up for me and I feel good about it…again stay tuned for that one…

I am also realizing that this journey is not one I can do alone.  It is as much spiritual as it is physical and I must seek God as fervently as I seek weight loss.  I must be praying as often as I am working out, if not more.  I must be honest with Him at the moment I begin to doubt or at the moment I feel unheard…and I must LISTEN more than I speak.  I must learn to trust.

The conversations I have been having with God have looked something like one which took place a couple thousand years ago between Peter (I think) and God.

God:  Kim, Do you Trust me?

Kim:  Of Course I trust you!  What is not to Trust about you!

God:  Kim, Do you Trust me?

Kim: Of course I do Lord, why do you keep asking me that?!

God:  Kim…Do. You. Trust. Me?

Kim: I do Lord, but help me in my lack of Trust!

Clearly there is something in me that does not trust, why else would I feel such a clear question coming from Him time and time again?  So now my conversations have been beginning with…Show me where I don’t trust You…and Help me to Trust.

Thank you for reading my story and being a part of my Journey so far.  2012 is going to be an exciting year, I am certain of it!

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It’s A Choice

Over the last 3 years, but more specifically the last two years, many people have told me things like this:

“Kim, I wish I had your level of motivation”

“Wow, I can’t believe you haven’t quit!”

“I don’t know how you do it!”

“Your perseverance inspires me!”

I could go on, but the sentiments are the same.  Many people want to change but are waiting for the motivation to hit them upside the head and suddenly they will WANT to get up each day to work out.  They will WANT to give up all sorts of yummy foods in the name of health. They want these things, but I often feel like they are waiting for it to be easy.  Sometimes I feel like people watch me and think it is easy for me.

Let me set the record straight.

IT IS NOT EASY.

This journey has been one of the hardest journey’s I have had to face.  It is not and has not been all about weight loss for me.  It has been an ongoing search for overall health and balance and healing in my life. It has required facing myself in all of my ugliness and wrestling with my demons…again and again.  The thing about demons though, is they are relentless.  They may back off for a time, giving me a reprieve, but they come back with a vengeance and I have to fight the same battles again, sometimes on a daily basis.  No, this journey is not easy.

I WOULD NOT CALL MYSELF MOTIVATED.

Let me explain. 10 years ago I DECIDED I did not want to be fat anymore and that I did not want my history to determine my future.  It took until 3 years ago to realize that knowing what I DIDN’T want was not enough.  I needed to know what I DID want.  I wanted health.  I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to run.  I wanted to be able to ride a roller coaster again. I wanted to be able to keep up with my nieces and nephews as they moved from infancy to crawling to running.  I wanted to feel beautiful.  I wanted to wear a sexy as sin dress.  I wanted to go hiking without fear of not being able to keep up.  I want to kayak.   Do you get the picture?  I had to replace the thoughts of what I DIDN’T want and replace it with what I DID want.   It is that vision of doing those things that has carried me through the last two years of intense struggle with what appeared to be no numerical results.

I feel like motivation is an ever elusive feel good feeling that comes and goes with no rhyme or reason.  My journey began with a CHOICE.  Every day, I make choices all day long, regardless of motivation, that either line up with my vision for health or it doesn’t .  When my alarm goes off at 4:45 AM, believe me, the only thing I am motivated to do is chuck the rooster crowing device across the room and cuddle back down into the warmth of my bed.   As I lay there, I wrestle with the things I want.  I WANT to be warm and cozy for another two hours…but what I want MORE is a lifestyle of good health.  Staying in bed (most days) does not promote good health.  It will not produce the results that will then produce that motivated feeling that will make me want to do it all again.  Results provide motivation.  The last two years has been choices.  Daily choices.

I am not perfect.  My nutritional plan for life is a Paleo diet.  My workout plan is Crossfit 5 days a week and living an active life that includes running, swimming, biking, and anything else I decide to try.  DO I still eat poorly from time to time?  Yep you betcha!  Some days I eat so unbalanced.  All meat and no fruits or veggies.  Sometimes I choose to eat pasta or sugar which is so NOT Paleo in nature.  And I am so far from perfect that sometimes I even eat McDonalds.  GASP!!!  See now you can take me off the pedestal some of you have me on.  🙂  When I do those things, while I am learning to not beat myself up about it, my body lets me know quickly that it does NOT like these things in my body nor does it like to eat Paleo approved foods in unbalanced proportions.   The occurrences happen less and less as in the moment that my mind wants something it remembers as being oh so delicious, I am able to remember how awful I felt after the last time I ate poorly.  I am getting better at this…one day at a time.

I COULD NOT DO THIS ALONE.

I could not do this without community.  I am not talking about the friend who will cheer me on when I am doing well and say nothing when I slack off.  I am talking about people like Coach and Aaron, who are willing to call my butt on the carpet when I am slacking off .  People who are willing to press in when I am struggling to find out the root of the struggle so I can deal with that.  Not everyone in my life has permission to question my food choices or my exercise schedule.  They and a couple of others do.  They have earned that place in my life and I know that  when they question me, they have my goals at the forefront of their minds…and that they love me, regardless of my weight or size.

I also have Daniel, guiding my nutrition and monitoring my progress and for the first time in 2 years I would say I am FEELING motivated, because I am finally seeing results.  I don’t expect that I will always feel this way.  However, my choices for health will not change.

So, to those who look at me and wonder if you can do it too or look at me in wonder and awe and think there must be some kind of magic involved in my ability to stick with it, trying new program after new program with little to no results, there is no magic. It’s a choice.That’s it.

What choice will you make, what is it you want and are you willing to set aside those things that get in your way.  Perhaps it will mean going to bed earlier so you can wake up before your kids?  Perhaps it will mean a conversation with your husband asking him to get up and work out with you or perhaps he can get up with the kids while you go to the gym.  I don’t know what it is you want.  I just know what I want, and come hell or high water, I will get there.

My encouragement to you would be this.  If you look at me in wonder and are waiting for motivation to strike.  Quit waiting.  You might as well be waiting to get struck by lightning.  Chances are slim.   Instead, decide what you want and make the necessary choices that would support that desire.  Find a friend who is willing to do whatever it takes to help you.  Fellow overweight friends are great to have and can be a great support, but my greatest support has come from people who already live the kind of life I want to live.  They are not in the struggle themselves so they have a different perspective.   A fellow fatty may just be waiting for you to slack a bit so they too can get a reprieve.  Just being honest folks.

Warrior Dash 2011

On July 31st I traveled a little bit north of Detroit with some friends to participate in the 2011 Warrior Dash!  What a fun and challenging event! The only disappointing part was that Steve and Sharon couldn’t participate due to injuries!  They turned themselves into a fantastic race crew though!

So, for those who like the short version.  I went.  I conquered.  I lived to tell about it. I am a Warrior!

Now for those who like the details of my post race reports complete with photos…read on.

I went into this race knowing that I was gonna have to haul my 300 lbs over and under various obstacles, including cars, walls, barbed wire, and cargo nets.  But that’s not all.

I also knew that it was a 3.3 mile run.

What I didn’t know was whether I could do it or not.  Three days before the race I realized I have not run more than 400 meters at a time(when doing Crossfit workouts) since Nashville.  Nashville was in April.  I don’t even know if I can run 1 mile right now, let alone 3!  I also had no idea what my upper body strength was.  I knew I was getting stronger based on what I can lift but still.  I didn’t know how all that would translate.

Daniel said I would be fine.  He assured me my Crossfit training would have me prepared for this.

In my mind, that is easy for him to say.  I worked hard to trust his words while I internally freaked out while looking forward to seeing how right he was.   I REALLY wanted him to be right.


As we picked up our race packets and affixed our race numbers, I was also waiting for a Grand Rapids contingent to arrive.  Holly was going to be running as Steve (she didn’t register in time) and we all needed to connect so he could give her his bib number and timing chip. Rebecca and Dave were also coming to run this as well!

Just as Steve was about to put on his bib number and run against his Dr’s orders, Holly showed up!

We all took a few pictures then to the starting line we went while Steve and Sharon went off to find a good vantage point.

When it was time to go a huge torch blew out flames and the 10 AM wave started.  Holly, bless her heart, stayed with me the whole time, which meant a super slow run for her.  The first obstacle wasn’t for just over one mile in.  So I got to settle in to what I thought would be my normal heavy breathing run.  Which I did, except it felt faster than in the past.  My running felt stronger.  I began to think about Daniel and how he told me that Crossfit will make me a better runner even if I don’t run all the time.   Could it be  true?    Could 4 days a week of Crossfit be reaping benefits in my running already?  I felt stronger, faster, and just overall better in my running.  And I totally ran all the way to the first obstacle without stopping.

Obstacle #1- The Junkyard– This was a mess of tires tied together that you had to get through (like a football drill) before you get to the first cars that you have to climb over. Those tires were much harder than I thought.  But getting over the cars was a piece of cake.  I just sat on the hood and rolled over.  There were 3 sets of tires and 3 sets of cars to get over.

When I was finished, we ran again to the next obstacle.

Obstacle #2-Deadweight Drifter–  This was trudging through waist-high water and climbing over giant logs.  By this point I was so hot I was relieved to get in the water.  This was not a difficult one to do other than balancing as you get over the logs.  Besides, as I climbed out there was a very nice looking young man there offering me his hand as I scrambled up the bank.  Doesn’t get much better than that!

Off we ran again to….

Obstacle #3- Barricade Breakdown- Holy Crap.  I think a demon dreamed this obstacle up. It certainly was NOT designed for this 300lb woman to do.  This was a series of 3-4 foot walls that you have to go over followed by barbed wire to crawl under.  Notice the bruise pictures up above.  They ALL came from this obstacle. We approached this obstacle and I began to assess how I was going to get over this thing while Holly just leaps over.  As I am standing there trying to figure it out, another girl comes up and declares that she is walking around.  I looked at her aghast and said, “seriously?  Without even attempting this, you are gonna go around?”  Unacceptable.   I bent over and told her to step in my hands I would give her a boost over.  She balked, declaring herself to be too heavy.  I insisted and told her to step in my hand and that I am stronger than I look.  She finally did and she got over.  Then I looked around and realized I am the only one left on this side of the wall.

Crap.  How am I gonna get over?

Holly suggests that I can go around.

Oh hell no! I just need to figure it out.  I noticed that one end seemed shorter than the other so I walked over and swung my leg back and forth and then heaved it up on top of the wall…and then I stood there.  On one leg. Stuck.  Now what?  Then my leg cramped up and it had to come down.

Well, if you know me at all…you know I will not be beaten.  If I can get my leg up, I can certainly get over.  Just a matter of time and since I am racing against myself….I have all day!

I swing my leg up again and instead of pausing, threw my belly up too.  At the same time the girl I hoisted up is waiting and grabs my arm and pulls and over I go.  Splat!  I am on the ground primed to simply roll under the barbed wire.

Stand up and repeat.

I hoist the girl, she hauls my ass over.

We did this 4 times.  Holly is cheering.  I am cracking jokes to the volunteers.  We are doing this together.  This was the beginning of a lifelong friendship here.  Ok so it was an hour long friendship…but we were BFF’s for that race!

Then we walked.  This obstacle took a bit out of me.  My leg was bleeding and I knew my inner thigh had just taken a major beating and was gonna be pretty bruised.

We walked and got to know Kate ( I think that was her name…we quickly renamed her as the COnqueror, I became the Beast, and Holly became The Avenger)

Kate was invited to do this with some friends.  This was Kate’s first ever physical event.  She was feeling pretty self-conscious at her inability to run and what she considered lack of athleticism and told her friends to go on ahead.  Stupid people did!  I was angry when I found out!  You don’t invite someone to try something like this, especially one who doesn’t do athletic things (yet) and then ditch them….even if they tell you to.

So we stayed with Kate.  We helped each other get over, under, and around obstacles, cheering each other on and being inspired by each other as we went.

We did some walking and running on to…

Obstacle #4-The Great Warrior Wall-  This was a huge wall with giant rungs and a rope to help get yourself up.  Kate and I tried.  Holly did great!  But in the end, Kate and I realized we just didn’t have the upper body strength yet to pull ourselves up this wall…so we went around it.

This whole time, Holly and I are calling each other by our nicknames and trying to come up with something fierce for Kate.

We came to…

Obstacle #5-Chaotic Crossover-  This was kind of like trying to cross a horizontal cargo net split into 3 sections.  Sooo perhaps 3 giant hammocks?  Yes I was tempted to take a nap in them.  I jokingly suggested laying down and rolling across, climbing over the wood and rolling again.  Holly did just that.  Kate did that.  I however, was NOT going to do that!  I stayed upright(sort of) and held on to the center bar and slowly made my way across.

Suddenly some skinny man is flying past me and I realize that the 10:30 wave not only started but is now passing me!  WTF!  I shouted to them that they SUCKED and shouldn’t be passing me yet!  Then thought, sheesh Kim, that’s not very sportsman like of you…and quickly shouted “Go  Warrior GO!  Quickly these very agile men were scrambling past me and I wanted to trip them! 🙂  At one point there was two men to my left and one behind me with my butt right in his face.  I glanced back, and feeling more than a little self-conscious, decided to make light of the situation.  Afterall, when uncomfortable, it is always best to laugh, right.  I looked at the man and asked him, ” They didn’t tell you about me did they?”  “You weren’t expecting to have this ass in your face, were you?  Well, I am the surprise obstacle…if you can make it around me you are a real warrior!  And I wiggled my butt from side to side.

I do not know what comes over me in these situations.

The man laughed, applauded my humor and told me I was doing great as he zipped past me.

In fact, everyone laughed.  The volunteers were looking at each other, wondering if I really said what they think I said. Holly and Kate were laughing.  I could barely hold it together…and I had to pee.

I finally got across and off we went…

Obstacle #6- The Teetering Traverse-  This was a balance beam type thing except it was hilly.  So we had to go up and down hills on four-inch wide wood.  Not too difficult, unless you are afraid of heights….or falling.  Which Kate and I are.   I managed to slowly get myself off and I turned around to cheer Kate on when I realized Kate was kind of stuck in fear at the top of her last downhill.  It was a shaky piece.  I grabbed one hand, Holly grabbed the other and down she came.  Trembling, but down she came.

At this point, I realized that Kate is afraid of heights.  She is doing crazy athletic stuff.  She is overcoming fears.  She is trying things she never thought she would ever be able to do…she was conquering things left and right.  This is when she officially became…The Conqueror!

We moved on, walking and running t…

Obstacle #7-  Blackout-  I called it the box o’ hot!  It was a low to the ground tent made out of black plastic.  We had to army crawl through it in the darkness to the other side.  It was situated in the blazing sun and was hotter than hell in there.   No joke. I lost my sunglasses in here.  I was quite bummed and tried to go back in there for them and realized that there was too many people in there for me to get to them…as if I could see them in the dark anyway!

From there, we moved on to…

Obstacle #7-Arachnophobia- This one wasn’t as much tricky as annoying and you really had to be careful not to hurt the men.  It was a series of bungee like bands that were strung between trees.  You had to get through them.  However if you stepped on one and a dude stepped over and then you stepped off before he was fully over, well it was bad news for his boys.  I was careful.  To the best of my knowledge I did not hurt anyone 🙂

Conqueror is doing great!  She is even attempting some short runs!  I couldn’t be more proud of someone I have just met!

Obstacle #8- SOmewhere in here is a crazy mud pit!  This was NOT like the mud pit that you see in the pictures.  This was a thick, sludgy, mud that smelled like sewage.  This was clearly NOT a man-made pit.  We had to go through it, without losing our shoes then climb out of it up a steep embankment that was also incredibly muddy and slick.  There was no attractive young man giving me a hand out.  I grabbed tree roots and whatever I could to haul myself up.  When I got halfway up I grabbed hold of a tree and wedged myself in front of it and just stood there to breathe for a minute.  This was so ridiculously hard.  Holly pointed out a rope to my right and I grabbed hold of it and continued hauling myself up.

But it wasn’t over yet.  We now had a series of mini mud slick hills to get up and down without killing ourselves.  By the end, I was so exhausted, I told Holly I would rather run a Nashville hill than these little muddy things any day!

Finally we made it to…

Obstacle #9-The mystery one-  This was a wall about 8 feet high with foot/hand holds kind of like a climbing wall. Conqueror and I decided we should be able to do this one.  The foot holds were not as far apart as on the previous wall therefore our leg strength could be used in combination with out arm strength to get us up.  So up we went.  We got to the top where there was a platform and discovered that the way down was a knotted rope with a hay pit at the bottom.  I knew for myself, there was no way.  My hands would get torn up as it slid right down and/or I would simply fall to the ground and get hurt.  Now, I am a beast, but I also don’t want to get hurt and not be able to play anymore.  The kind volunteers told us there was a top-secret ladder on the side we could go down!

Conqueror led the way and over the side she went.  The problem is though that you have to go over the edge backwards and blind.  The drop to the first rung is about 4 feet down at least.  The guys kept telling me I had just a couple more inches to go.  Finally, someone grabbed my foot and guided it to the rung and another grabbed my butt as I dropped down, to steady me and keep me from falling!

From there, I could see the rungs and was able to climb down.  As I did, I thanked the kind gentleman for grabbing my ass to keep me from falling!  That is probably the one and only time I will EVER be grateful for a stranger doing that!  Any other time, I would probably slug him!

We got through that, and Holly told me she was tearing up watching me.  Conqueror agreed that Holly was indeed crying.

Are you kidding me?  Whatever for?

“well, because you just don’t let anything stop you!”

Dude, I am in a race just doing what I gotta do to get through it!  No tears!  Let’s go!

As we trudged along, I felt like I had put back on those 11 inches I had lost.  I was so weighed down with mud, my clothes were soaked and cotton and just heavy.  At one point I actually commented that mud is the ultimate body glide!  I am sure that is only true until it starts drying.

We kept going.  We could hear the band now and knew we were getting close to the end.

Obstacle #10-Cargo Climb-  This was a giant cargo net that I had to go straight up and over.   I assessed it as I approached and determined that the steadiest spot would be near the beams.  So we each took a beam and began our climb.  Holly of course got up and over the fastest.  Then Conqueror.  I got to the top and looked down, and freaked out!

I am about 20 feet in the air. I can hear Steve and Sharon and Dave and Rebecca and Keith and all the others shouting for me.  Holly is down below telling me how to get over and I am thinking I made it this far just to plummet to my death.   a woman climbing near me offered to help, but really what can she do?  I need to figure out how to do this.  At the top is a beam.  I had to get myself on top of the beam then over it so I can climb down.  I kindly tell the woman that really she cant do anything but get out of my way, cuz I am about to swing my leg over and once the momentum starts, well I can’t be held responsible for anything it hits.  She climbed down.

I began muttering about whose foolish idea was this to do this race in the first place…(it was mine)

Holly shouts up that I need to keep one hand on either side as I come over, so I do and next thing I know I am laying on top of the beam.  One hand and leg on each side, clinging to it for dear life!  I am almost over.  In an act of bravery and pride I sat up and threw my arms in the air and smiled towards Steve, knowing he had a camera….and maybe he would catch this one-act of bravery.  Quickly I fell back down and grabbed hold of that beam.

Carefully, I eased myself over and began my descent.

There, now that both feet are on the ground, that wasn’t so bad after all.

Holly and I began to run…the energy of the crowd was picking up and we could see our next obstacle…

Obstacle #11-  The Fire Pits-  You really needed a running start to do this.  So Holly and I ran and without thinking we were up and over the first line of fire….then the second and before we knew it, we were on our way to the final obstacle…

Obstacle #12- Muddy Mayhem-  This was a  muddy pit that started out about 3 feet deep and got more and more shallow as you got closer to the barbed wire that you had to crawl under.  We got in the pit and crawled through it and by the end I was army crawling/dragging my butt under barbed wire.  By the time I got to the last wire I was so done I just laid there in the mud for a minute, catching my breath.  Finally, I hauled myself through and I got up and ran to the finish line.

And we were done.

Such a fun race.  I would do it again!

The Avenger, The Beast, and The Conqueror...finish strong!

Raising The Bar

**Sidenote:  I know, I still have to write about the Warrior Dash**

It has been fascinating to me the last 2 weeks as I have slowly watched my expectations for myself get dashed and slashed. In a good way.

I am noticing how I compare myself against other women who do Crossfit, or anything for that matter, but in particular, Crossfit.   I tend to think of myself as not as strong as the other women.  Or not as fit as the others.  I tend to allow myself to think that my workouts will always be scaled, in comparison to the other women.  I don’t compare myself at all to the men.  There is nothing to compare against.  Most men, will always be stronger than me…as they should be!

This week, we had a workout that involved doing deadlifts (5 reps) of the maximum weight you can lift.  CJ kept adding weight on and as I tried to calculate exactly how heavy this sucker would be as I added a 4th weight to each end of the bar, CJ stopped me and simply told me to quit trying to figure it out and to pick up the Bleeping Bar.

I tried and tried.  CJ coached me over and over on how to lift the bar and how to get it up.  He pointed out what I was doing wrong and what would make it easier. I still couldn’t life the bar up all the way to a full standing position. Finally he told me to take the last weight off each end (10 lbs off each end) and to lift the bar.  I did.  Twice.  Then three more times.

CJ wrote that weight down as my max rep weight. 155 lbs.  Which means he had me attempting 175 lbs!!  WTF!  He is crazy!  I can’t lift that much!  I am not strong enough!

The next morning, I couldn’t move.  Seriously.  It took me 40 minutes to be able to roll out of bed so I missed my morning Crossfit and wasn’t even sure I would be able to make it to an evening session.  It hurt to breathe!

By the end of day I was good and went anyway.  As I looked at the board, I saw Monday’s workout numbers displayed for all to see.  This is what I noticed.

Few women had a max rep weight of MORE than 155.  Only a few had at LEAST 155.  Many had less than 155.   As I looked at that board, I realized how often I sell myself short, and yet get super pissed when others judge me in the same manner.  I smiled and shook my head as I realized, once again…I am stronger than I think I am…

So CJ’s job is to continuously raise the bar for me.  Often I think he is out of his mind to think that I can do the things he asks, and yet…I always do what he asks.  Perhaps not perfect, but I do give it my all. Daniel thinks I can lift over 200.  He is crazier than CJ!

So there is this other board that has writing all over it in the gym.  It is a board where everyone has written their 6 month goals down.  I have not written anything on this board as of yet.  I have no idea what to expect to be able to do in 6 months…but I am gonna.

The other thing we did this week is pull ups.   I cannot do a single pull up. Right now when the class does these, I jump and pull on the bar, but that is about it.   Well this week, CJ was teaching everyone how to actually walk through the mechanics of a pull up.  He had me walking through it all too, as though I was going to be doing them sooner than I think.

So I am thinking….perhaps in 6 months I will be able to do a pull up. Perhaps that is what I will write on the board.

Raising the bar for myself…as CJ continues to raise it from his end.

Curious

Thursday I was ravenous all day.  Food came into my body and within an hour I was starving like I hadn’t eaten all day.  I had plenty of trail mix at work with me but didn’t want to overdo it on nuts.  That night I was talking to Daniel about it and after going back and forth with many questions and answers about what I have been eating, fat intake, approximate calorie intake etc, he determined that it was a random day where my body is likely going through insulin spike withdrawals and to just gut through it and tomorrow should be better.  It was.

After I had gone to sleep though, he sent me one last message that said we needed to get new weight and measurements right away.  So I, got all excited.  I told him I was going to go weigh right NOW!!  Of course since it was 5 AM he probably got my declaration of weighing in and my numbers all at the same time!  I weighed in and saw that in the last month I lost 2.2 lbs.

Hmmm.

I noticed that it was curious that I was not upset by such a low scale weight drop after a month of a complete diet and workout change.

I noticed that the number did not hold as much weight in my head and heart.  I know what I have been wearing and at what weight I last wore those clothes. I see, for myself, the drastic changes in my body that has been confirmed by others who see it to.  I am seeing changes that make that number not matter as much.

Historically, it would be a number like this and people would try to be encouraging and tell me it was due to muscle gain or whatever, but if that had been true I would have seen these other changes that would contradict the scale.

I sent Daniel a message with the number and told him I was very curious to see the measurements because I am certain that is where the truth of what has been happening in my body would lie.

Ironically, he is very curious to see them too.  He is questioning what kind of scale I use and said there is NO WAY I lost this little in a month’s time. He said that even WITH all the muscle gain that scale number should be more.  I find it hilarious that after two years of fretting and worrying about that blasted scale number, I am finally ok with what it says and my trainer is not!

He is off getting a certification for Crossfit this weekend, so I am certain we will meet up next week sometime to get the rest of the numbers.

I think I like this way of doing things.  A surprise weigh in of sorts.  No time for me to get anxious about it.  I just wake up to a message that says get on the scale!

Things I Am Noticing

  • This week I wore three skirts that I have not worn since I was in the 290’s over a year ago.
  • I no longer seem to fear food as much.  By this I mean, I am not afraid to eat the egg yolks because of the fat content in them or to eat beef because it is higher calories than chicken.  I am enjoying reasonable portion sizes of meat and unreasonable amounts of vegetables of all kinds and reasonable amounts of fruit!
  • I am finding great freedom in not counting calories.  It has been suggested before that I try an intuitive eating method before and I was too afraid of myself to try it.  I thought for sure that I did not have the self-control to eat in such a way.
  • I ate some chips with my nephew at the movies the other day, after ward I felt awful.  Not in a guilty, self condemning way, but in a physical way.  I was lethargic and totally lacking energy.  I hated that feeling.  Chips are just not worth it.  Lesson learned.
  • As I look back over the last three years I know fully and without a doubt, I never lost focus.  I may have had to back up the truck and regroup at times, but my mission and my vision have remained constant.  I am committed to losing weight and being healthy.   The path to get there may have changed often, but my destination has always been the same.
  • I am getting stronger every day.  I already see improvements in my push-ups.  I was not expecting to see such huge gains physically so quickly!
  • When CJ introduces a new exercise to me or gives me some crazy weight to lift, I am intimidated out of my mind…for a moment.  Then I remember…I can do this and all things through Him who strengthens me.  I also remember if it really is physically impossible for me in THIS moment, CJ will recognize this and will ask for just a little more than I think I can do, then will scale the rest down…and it won’t be impossible forever.
  • I have noticed that when driving and at work, I seem to sit up straighter.  And when I car dance I am noticing a distinct use of abdominal muscles.  I think this means my core is getting stronger!
  • I am actually SEEING the results in my own body and as a result my obsession with the numbers is so much less.  I still want to know them, but not in an anxious way.  I want to know for curiosity’s sake.  I am curious to see how what I am seeing in the physical universe translates into a number.  I know I am gaining muscle so actual weight loss may not be as high as I think and at the same time, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a 20 lb loss when I next get on the scale.  Regardless, I know my Body fat is changing.  Besides, Aaron has done a pretty cool spreadsheet for me with graphs and charts.  I need a 2nd set of numbers to see it go to work!
  • Speaking of body fat changing, I notice things hang differently now and the fat in my legs in particular feels less dense, looser in some way.  Could this be because fat cells are being broken up?
  • One month ago I met Daniel and was terrified of his method and his plan proposal.  It was overwhelming and intense…and yet at the end of a really long conversation, one can’t help but get on board with his passion.  His passion doesn’t seem to be about weight loss as much as it is about whole health.  Weight loss is a definite by-product though.  While this blog has focused a lot of energy on the weight loss piece, I have always been on a journey towards whole health.  I am noticing that what once was super scary and intimidating…is so much easier than I thought.
  • I am happy.
  • I feel peaceful.
  • Grace abounds these days.  I am very clear that I know little of what it means to live a paleo lifestyle and I am also clear that I will not be perfect in it…at least not this month maybe not this year.  But I seem to have huge amounts of grace for myself in this.
  • Hope is restored.  It IS possible for me to lose weight!

 

If you are like me and have had a goal for a long time that you have been fighting for but has been dangling just out of reach…weight loss orotherwise…do NOT give up.  Keep pressing on.  The one who perseveres wins!

The New Men In My Life

CJ, the torturer and Daniel, the AA sponsor for all things nutrition and exercise!

I thought since I had CJ and Daniel at the gym at the same time yesterday, for the first time, I would take a picture to officially introduce these two men to you.   CJ is on the left and is the owner of Crossfit Lowertown, where I now train.  Yes the background is the place I now train at.  More on that in a minute.  Daniel is on the right without his shirt.  He was in the middle of his workout when we took this picture.  Mind you, Daniel has been recovering from a shoulder injury and hasn’t done a ton of working out in the last 3 months, and he STILL looks like that!

CJ is my prime Crossfit torturer.  Even if he is not there and I am working with Eric(photo and intro to come later), he is the one who puts together the WOD’s (workout of the day) and therefore will always be the one to blame for any aches and pains I feel.  I am sure he doesn’t mind taking on this blame though.  Last week, at the end of a workout he asked if I felt good.  Well, good is relative in these situations because you are completely spent, but you feel great about what you accomplished.  Good will come.  So I said yes.  He gave me an evil grin and said “You won’t!”  then sent me off for two more run laps.   During that same workout, I wanted to curse him, instead I just smiled as I walked past him and told him I loved him.  Love was not the feeling I had as he just grinned.

If you recall, Daniel is the one I call my AA sponsor to all things nutrition and exercise.  He is working with my nutrition and taking me to a Paleo diet, one step at a time.  He is checking in with me all the time about my workouts and these things he wants me doing called Affirmations (basically erasing the negative tapes in my head and replacing them with positive thoughts).

That background is the gym I workout in now.  There is nothing froo froo about this place.  Not even a water fountain.  That tire they are posing on?  I was flipping that about 10 minutes before.  It is a pretty bare bones place.  I was pretty intimidated the first time I walked in.  Scared out of my mind is probably more accurate.  Then I realized, CJ and Eric are actually pretty nice and totally believe I can do any crazy thing they ask of me.  I also realized that the people who come there are pretty nice too…and normal.  That is until yesterday.  Yesterday I was back to intimidated.  As I was waiting to get started, about 6 men walked in from a field workout without their shirts on.  Being a girl, I noticed.  However, I was really hoping they would leave before CJ was ready for me.  I am NOWHERE near where they are in fitness.  They were pretty much perfect.

CJ and Daniel keep telling me I will get there.  My goals will be reached.  25 days in, I have no reason to doubt them other than 2 years of hard work that pretty much yielded nothing but gains despite multiple trainers.  This first 25 days though is countering the 2 years of history in major ways.  I don’t usually SEE what the scale reveals to me.  This time I am seeing changes and I don’t even know yet what the scale or measuring tape says.  My clothes are getting looser and my bathing suit has the ruching it was always supposed to have, but didn’t.  They told me yesterday, that if I follow the plan, I could be to 150 lbs by end of next summer.

That bit of hope, I am working hard to put out of my brain.  Right now, that is too much to hope for.  I told them they cannot speak of a year from now to me in terms of weight loss.  For now, I need to simply get good at Crossfit and continue to refine my nutrition as Daniel and CJ guide me.  While I am enjoying the fruits of my labor (taking great delight in it all actually), I am frustrated to no end that my form is not correct in so many things and they have to constantly scale my workouts for my level.  The bane of being a competitor!