Some Kind Of Wonderful

If you have read the My Story tab that I have on my side bar or along the top header then you know that a good part of my story and my weight struggles has been tied to some pretty significant events in my life, namely childhood sexual abuse.

A few years ago, God began bringing men into my life and showing me that men can be good and trustworthy and safe…so much so that I went from having very few male friends (sure I knew men, but I wouldn’t randomly call a male up to hang out), to having Coach and Aaron and Adam be my primary people who I called on for help and support in this journey.  I know.  Crazy.  Right?  I mean, I went from always being suspicious of men and their intentions to this.

Well, if I am honest, I used to tell Coach and Aaron that there aren’t any other guys like them and that whoever God has for me has some pretty high standards to meet.  While sure, THEY are amazing, I still often had and have suspicions about male intentions.  Going further, it is those suspicions and fears that had led me to declare that I would never have a male trainer.  I mean seriously, a trainer relationship is a pretty intimate relationship.  They know all of your most private numbers.  Numbers that we don’t, as women, just toss around even amongst the girls.  A trainer knows your body and what it can do and has to touch it, either while correcting form or guiding a movement or during stretching.  Yes, stretching is MOST intimate.  No one…and I mean NO ONE touches my fat, except my trainer or my doctor…so yeah…can you see why someone who does not easily trust men and who has had my experiences in life would say, HELL NO to a male trainer?

Well, I got Demond, who IS without a doubt, male.

And can I just say once again that God is good?  I feel like he continues to stretch me in this area.  I declared no male trainers and well my situation turned into one where I decided ANY trainer that could produce results would work, male or not.   This set me up for meeting Demond and being open to him.

God seems to be taking it further and raising my expectations for my guy, whoever he may be, even higher by bringing more QUALITY men in to my life as living examples of what I can and SHOULD expect.  Let me tell you a little story.

The other night, Kyra and I met up with Demond and the A2 Fitness Pro Family for dinner.  After dinner, we were getting ready to leave and Darrell (of Darrell and Drea SSN 9 Black team of TBL) asks me if I had gotten my headlight fixed yet.  He remembered from 2 weeks prior, that my headlight was out.  Now I hate this kind of car stuff.  I know this is an easy fix, but I always feel so dumb with car stuff, so I tend to let things go longer than I should so when he asked I kind of turned away and ignored him.  He then declared that when I saw him on Sunday, he would fix it.  WHAT!?!  What man does this?  Seriously?  Just offers to fix it?  He doesn’t even know me?  But I guess that is what good men do???

So I am kind of floored by this.  I mean I live with 2 men (brothers) and they don’t offer stuff like this and one of them is an aircraft mechanic, but if I asked him you would think I asked him to replace the engine!

So that just kind of rocked my world.  Then I got in my car and was sitting there for about 10 minutes responding to some texts and what not and letting my car warm up when I looked up and noticed Demond still in the parking lot too.  His truck is kind of hard to miss.  It is BIG!  I didn’t think much of it and continued to do what I was doing.  Finally I pulled out and he immediately pulled out too.

Instantly, I realized that he had been waiting for me to leave before he left!  I asked him if he had been waiting for me and his response was that I wasn’t supposed to notice.  Well, his truck is not the most stealth vehicle so yeah…

The next day I was driving to work and I continued to think about this.  I mean, why was this SUCH A BIG FREAKING DEAL?  I felt silly and didn’t say anything to anyone all day about it.  But it rocked my world.  Seriously.  I don’t remember half my drive in to work because I was lost in thought and actually when I “came to” I was 3 miles past my turn for work and ended up late.  The feelings I was experiencing was baffled, protected, cared for, loved, vulnerable, confused.

Finally, later I decided to bring it up to Coach.  I mean, I couldn’t make sense of why this was so mind-blowing for me.   Here is what we concluded.  Demond, waiting for me in the parking lot and Darrel offering to change  a headlight spoke hugely to the part of me that simply wants to be protected.   Part of a man’s design is to be the protector and a woman’s makeup is one that wants to be protected.   That piece was not there for me growing up.  So seeing this new way for what protection and care and kindness could look like just blew me away.  Coach’s exact words as he tried to explain my own feelings for me really hit things on the head.  He said, “a man is taking action to protect you.  this is a fundamental doubt attached to your wound.”

Yes.  Yes it is. I don’t expect men to protect me.  I do it myself.  I handle what I need to handle, even if I procrastinate some of that stuff for as long as possible.  If anything, I expect them to let me down.  Afterall, a man who I should have been able to trust in my life violated that trust horribly.  It is quite a vulnerable and yet cared for feeling to know that 2 men took action to make sure I was safe without me asking for help.  They are just doing what comes naturally to them and until they read this they will have had NO CLUE the impact his actions have had on me and why.

So God is good. My poor guy is either being set up to fail hugely as he is gonna have even higher standards to meet now or I am being set up for some kind of wonderful as He continues to show me what I SHOULD expect and can expect from men who simply show up in who they are meant to be.

And as for having a male trainer…God couldn’t have given me a better one.  He is proving himself worthy of the ranks of Coach and Aaron and Adam in my life.  Quality, safe, trustworthy men, whom I measure all other men against.

So thank you Demond and Darrell(if you read this) for being gentlemen and for rocking my world this week…without even trying to.  I am loving being part of the family!

The longest day of my life!

Yes friends, if you didn’t know it before, you know it now, I am back in my beloved GR this week. Yes I know, I should just move back here. After tonight I am convinced I will figure out a way! My trip this time, was 2 fold. One I had long standing symphony tickets….and since the TBL video submission deadline is fast approaching, the plan was to have my video completed tonight…after some last minute filming on Monday.

After filming on Monday, it was decided that Wednesday at 8:30, the premiere viewing of my video would take place. Outside of one small clip ABS showed me on Monday, I have seen nothing of this project. No footage or anything. I simply had to trust a man, I don’t know very well, but who is good friends with Coach and Aaron, whom I trust without question. Needless to say, I have been anxiously awaiting Wednesday at 8:30. I am not one to usually lose sleep over things, but I was sooo excited, I have not slept well the last 2 nights and well, I am not so sure I am gonna sleep tonight either!

I did not have a huge agenda for the day, but I was meeting one friend for coffee and then having a sushi dinner with a few friends prior to the Premiere, as we have taken to calling it. But I also had a couple friends who have been integral to my journey coming over to watch the video at 8:30 as well. We had a lovely dinner, but while at dinner, Adam gets a text message from ABS, “need more time” is the basic gist of the message. And ABS didn’t want me at the house until he was really ready, lest I see something before the big viewing. SO…we couldn’t go back yet. As time passed, further text messages were coming in, expounding the woes of technology and how even more time was needed. At 8:15 I said, we needed to leave the restaurant and go somewhere else. We ended up at the mall, sitting in massage chairs and visiting the Apple store and painfully killing time. While at the apple store…we get another message. “40 minutes…I am not kidding!”

My face fell. All of the anticipation that had been building just deflated. I knew there would be people at the house, waiting. And of course I was awaiting this, but what can one do when technology won’t cooperate! Shortly after that Scottie gets a phone call, that basically says that we can come, even though it isn’t quite ready, my friends would rather watch me squirm there. But I overheard something that led me to believe that the stalling had all been intentional. SO I began to suspect trickery. But I had no idea!!!

As we pull up, there is a “no parking” sign in the driveway and as I look up, there are people standing in the driveway…I thought, that crazy ABS is making them wait in the cold? As I got out, a floodlight came on and I noticed a “red carpet” covering the entire length of the driveway. (They have a long driveway) There were “paparazzi”present all along the carpet taking photos as I walked up. And music was playing….”I’m too sexy”! Yep, of course I had to strut my stuff on the “cat walk”As I walked, I had a feather boa put on me, flowers placed in my hand, and eventually a tiara got placed on my head. It was hilarious fun! My friends LOVE me! This I know! For their actions tell me so!

When we finally made it into the house, we had a champagne toast! You seriously would have thought that a “big deal” celebrity had just arrived. I was overwhelmed. It was then I began to realize and connect the dots to conversations I had with Aaron and Carol and began to see…they were ALL in on this. This was not the work of just one person! But about a dozen, all working to surprise me! It worked guys! I don’t think I have ever been so surprised in my life!

We finally moved into the viewing room to watch the video, where ABS and RD introduced the film and their experience working on it. I was touched and overwhelmed by their words. We watched the video and while I cannot post it or tell you much about it, I can say ABS and RD are geniuses at taking me and my story and telling it in such a beautiful way without taking away from who I am. The whole thing reflected who I am at my core. It was funny, vulnerable, honest and real. It was me! I was stunned into silence. Even now I have no adequate words to express what I think and feel. I feel like I have just reported the excitement of the day. But what else can I add?

I am loved. If I ever doubted or questioned it before….there is nothing of that remaining. And while the waiting was frustrating…in the end it was well worth it!

I am wordless when it comes to what I feel, not because I am not feeling anything, but there are no words to describe it all, that exist in the English language!

When I get some of the pictures of all of the trickery that went down…I will post them for you all to see!

All right!! All Right!! Already!

I have gotten enough comments/emails about my ticker and how it appears to be inaccurate that I have finally taken the time to change it….again. I especially get the emails after writing that I have lost 43 LBS, but my ticker shows 27. (or any other time I write about the amount I have lost!) Those that are new to the blog and don’t feel like reading back or don’t remember…I had 2 tickers for two different scales. I didn’t want to forget that I had lost 16 LBS on the one scale so I left it there.

In reality, to have one ticker that is accurately reflecting what I have lost, required adding both losses to my current weight to get my more accurate starting weight. THAT my friends is what I didn’t want to do.

Yes I am all about living in reality and owning what is true and all that other stuff I have talked about…and while I am all about it, I am still human. I am not perfect and frankly I did not want to OWN that I really started at 356 LBS and that THAT has been my highest weight ever! I did not want to put THAT out there so blatantly. However, if you all did your own math in your heads…you would be able to figure that out…and that was somehow ok with me.

SO now you have it! I still shy away from the hard core truth at times. I still try like hell to live in fantasy land at times. But eventually, the truth always comes out, someway somehow. Now you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in September 2008, I weighed 356 LBS! Not such a nice number to have displayed out there…but nice is not always true now is it?

Tomorrow, I found out if I lost again…can I make it 9 weeks of losses in a row?

I have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring on the scale. But I do know that it will bring me right back to the track or the gym or any other place that will allow me to exercise outside of the bitter cold of this lingering Michigan winter!

For those curious about Saturday…unfortunately, I will not be blogging about the casting process other than to say that I am proud of the way I carried myself, presented myself and how I felt it was received by the casting director. I will say that at this time I have NOT received a call back. Regardless of that fact, it still went well because I was myself!