Tag Archive | weight loss

WS#9 The Begats-Choosing Well

Let me just be real for a moment.  I have made poor choices the last 2 weeks.  Nothing ridiculous like the epic fail and binge fest of about a month ago but poor choices nonetheless.  The first week, I got grace on the scale.  The second week, evidence of my failings were present.  I have chosen to stay up late chatting with a new friend which has resulted in not waking up for morning workouts.   Then of course, the chatting begins when the workday ends which means often I have missed those workouts.  Then….I could go on…but you get the idea.

In the Bible, especially the old testament, you see long boring chapter outlining these really long barely pronounceable names that begat another long barely pronounceable name.  So and so begat so and so who begat so and so.

What does this mean?

Well, I think it means one person is born of another person.  One cannot/would not come without the one preceding it.

I think, our/my decisions are kind of like those “begats”.

I choose to stay up late which begats a lot of “snoozing” which begats a missed workout which begats….

Today, I was tired of this pattern and decided consciously to return to the methods that got me to 100 lbs.

I prepped my meals last night, instead of trying to fly thru it in the morning, which begat all meals eaten as planned, which begat a desire to not end my day without my workout, so I went to the gym and did strength training, which begat a decision to stick to my plan for my cardio, which begat great choices even when confronted with BACON!

Let me try to speak in english now for a moment.  I think each decision we make is born of the one before it.  Have you ever noticed that once you go off plan it is much easier to toss the whole plan as opposed to jumping right back in?  Our poor choices don’t have to derail us, they CAN BE merely speed bumps.  If we let ourselves fall into a tail spin, it starts with one poor decision and they build on each other.  The same goes for good choices.  When you choose to stick to your plan it becomes easier to stick to it in the next moment or with the next thing.  Next thing you know, you feel so great about who you are and what you are accomplishing, it becomes easy to keep going.

Tonight, when I left the gym I felt great.  It was good to be back in the gym pushing my muscles to the max.  But it felt even better to know I held my commitment to myself, because I am worth the time it takes to make me better.   I like the kind of “begats” that come from these kind of choices.

Winning Strategy #9: Make the kind of choices you feel good about that begets more good choices that you can feel good about!

Releasing The Beast And Embracing The Beauty

A few months ago, I had a brief conversation with a dear friend regarding my FB nickname, The Beast.  Ennio, is a dear friend, who happens to be a transformational life coach and who happens to have spoken significantly into my life over the years.  Several people in the last year have approached me about my nickname and how it doesn’t fit and suggested I change it, but had no alternative suggestions that didn’t feel weird to me.

A little history of “The Beast”.  This was a nickname given to me by a friend while we ran our first ever Warrior Dash together in 2011.  She gave me the name, because no matter how hard it was, I wouldn’t give up.  I wouldn’t quit.  I fought to the end, even when I was terrified and 20 feet in the air.  It was given to me, not something I gave myself, however I did fully embrace it.  It spoke of my strength and tenacity in my journey.  A Beast doesn’t quit and as long as I was the Beast, there was no quitting allowed.  I could muscle through anything.  I could do “IT”, whatever it was at the time.  In all honesty, I liked my strength.  If I had to give you a trait that would define me, it would be strong.  Physically, mentally, and in more recent years, emotionally.

So I don’t recall the exact conversation with Ennio and can’t seem to find the archive of it but what matters is what I took away from it, what I heard, right?  So this is what I heard.

Kim, your strength is awesome, but I think The Beast is limiting in who you are.  You are much more than that and I wonder, when you are going to start to embrace your Beauty?

Honestly, I felt like I had just been sucker punched and I was a little annoyed.  Seriously, why does everyone seem to have a problem with my nickname?  Often though, conversations that reveal painful truths do feel like that and can be the most transformative, if you let them.  I chose to listen to Ennio’s words and to remember his heart FOR me.  He has always been one who wants me to be my very best and he will never mix words just to be nice, but he will ALWAYS love me to my best.

So I let his words sink in and I realized that I often hide behind my strength.  It is easy to embrace my strength because it requires little vulnerability, little risk to put it on display.  Either I am strong or I am not, and it is easily measured.  But beauty, either physical or spiritual or emotional(remember, becoming more beautiful is what this blog is about), now that, is subjective and open to each persons own interpretation of Beautiful.  Not to mention, I still didn’t believe I was Beautiful.  I mean, I was getting there.  Sure, I had/have lots of beautiful qualities about me, but I would never classify myself as beautiful.  In fact, I did find this thread of my conversation with Ennio and I said this to him.

Owning my strength is easy. Owning my beauty feels arrogant and it feels like I would be a fraud…half the time anyway.

This conversation has stayed with me since September as I thought about it and wondered and began to notice how I use my strength to hide.  And I realized, Most of this journey has been about coming OUT of hiding and I didn’t like seeing that I had exchanged one method of hiding(food) for another.

Then, on Thanksgiving, I took this picture with my niece.

I saw this photo and I liked it and of course made it my profile photo on FB.  One week later, I look at this picture and have to catch myself as I wonder who hijacked my profile and put a picture of a beautiful woman on my page…and who is that with my NIECE?

When I look at this picture, I see a woman who is happy and at peace with herself.  I see someone who is not hiding from the camera.  I see a beautiful woman…and then I realize…it is me.

So, part of my run on Thanksgiving was about releasing a lot of the junk I have learned about over the years of this transformational journey.  One of those things was The Beast.  I decided, it was time to release the Beast and embrace The Beauty.  I can still be strong, but I don’t need to hide behind The Beast and it is about time I started believing what others have told me is true for years.

I. Am. Beautiful.

 

WS#8 Don’t Assume, Give People A Chance To Support You

The last few weeks have been fun and exciting (and scary) on so many levels.  I am discovering a new found confidence, and dare I say a comfort in being 100 lbs lighter and at my lightest weight in I don’t even know how long.

With the holidays, comes all sorts of fun social things to do and with hints of possible dating on the rise it is easy to become comfortable with where I am at.   Yet, I know, there is more to be had.   More of ME to discover and uncover and reveal.  More life to be lived.

It is easy, after 100 lbs and all of this fun stuff happening to sit back and indulge in the food-ful festivities, and to eat off plan.  It is easier to indulge than not, especially in the midst of new relationships.  As I look at a particular new person in my life, I have realized, I don’t WANT to diet with this person.  I want to be NORMAL.  I don’t want to limit what is possible in regards to how we spend time together.  Really, though, I just don’t want to have a vulnerable conversation with someone who doesn’t see my life on FB or read my blog and therefore doesn’t know the reality of what my life looks like in regards to dieting.   There is a fear that all of “this” might just be more than he is up for.  Maybe not.

Here is what I know though, when I am not being a flighty girl and all wigged out in girly-ness.

Most people WANT to support you/me, they just don’t know how and the clearer I am in my needs and what is allowed, the better support they can be.  If people are not up for being supportive, they likely aren’t people I need in my life anyway.

So, what is my strategy in addressing this all new territory for me?

Gonna have a conversation.  This is my life.  These are my needs.  This is what needs to happen to facilitate my continued success.  This is what I can’t let happen, no matter how much I want to.

Then, I am gonna give them/him a chance to support me…and see what happens….

Exciting?  Yep.

Scary?  More than you know.

Worth it?  Without a doubt.

My Personal 100# Celebration/Turkey Trot 2012

Longtime readers know that the Detroit Turkey Trot is a favored run of mine each year.  It started as a challenge to prove I could and has since become a run of gratitude as I bask in the glory of doing what I once never thought I could.  It has become a celebration of my body and all it has been for me despite the abuse I heaped on it with food.  It has become a worship run where I use my body to praise the One who has brought me thus far in life.

This year held special meaning for me as I would be running this race at my lightest weight ever and sans 100 lbs.  While thrilling, I have been struggling with how to give my 100 lb milestone some time and space to be celebrated.  Noted.  Honored. For me.  From Me.

Then an idea hit me.  I would run this race with my usual heart of Thanksgiving, while carrying balloons.  I would carry 10 balloons, 1 for every 10 lbs I have lost so far.  This was a fantastic idea!  I would carry these balloons and at the end, before I crossed the finish line, I would release them, saying goodbye to that weight forever.  Brilliant.

But then came more.  As I reflected on my journey, I realized that with those 100 lbs and the last 4 years of work, I realized I have changed.  I have become a new person and so much more than weight has been lost as I worked through the issues that brought the weight on and kept the weight on over the years.  As I confronted the ugliness of my story, and embraced the beauty of who I am, I lost much, and gained so much more.

So, my balloons became more than just symbols of weight to be released, they became symbols of so much more.  So I began writing on my balloons at 11 PM the night before the race.  I am certain the following words are just a smidge of all I have lost, and that will be lost as I continue my journey, but for now, this is what I have recognized I have lost.  For space sake, I may do a follow-up blog detailing more of what these words mean to me.

Each balloon represented 10 lbs and the following: Shame.  Fear.  Doubt.  Regret.  Hopelessness.  Discouragement.  Negativity.  Powerlessness.  Weakness.  Anger.  Bitterness.  Unforgiveness.  Self-hate.  Condemnation.  The Beast.

So that is the plan.  Run with balloons.  Say goodbye without the weight of them as I cross a finish line and as I learn to embrace who I have become,  Beautiful.

This race I was running alone, so on some level it was lonely to be doing this by myself and on the other hand it was perfectly fitting that I did this on my own while amongst 22,000 people.  I have many fans and friends and supporters who have come alongside me and helped me along as I traveled but I realized as I started to feel sorry for myself for being alone on this day that no matter how many people I have in my corner, I have to make the choices and do what it takes to get to the end.  It is my Journey.  My Results.  My Responsibility.  My Celebration. Mine.  I get to own this fully.  Being alone for this race meant I got to celebrate the way I wanted to without feeling like I had to accommodate anyone else.  Perfect.

Pre-Race with the “Spirit of Detroit” behind me!

So now for a race recap.

Best. Race. Ever.

Balloons were obnoxiously hitting people in the face as I ran and the wind would randomly blow.  Incidentally, my journey has smacked people in the face as well.  Either I have inspired you, annoyed you, or challenged you simply by living my journey out loud.  No apologies.

For the first time in 4 Turkey Trots, I was able to wear my race shirt on race day…or ever, because it fit.

Several people asked about my balloons and I got to share my story.  Others, it was interesting  to note, noticed my balloons, and talked about them amongst their running buddies, coming up with their own interpretations.

I ran with a huge crowd of people the whole time.  Historically, within the first mile, I have fallen so far back that one would not know I was in a race with 22,000 other Detroiters. Not this year.  This year, I PASSED alot of people and as I approached the final half mile, I was in shock that it was almost over…and as I looked at my watch, I realized, I could very well run my fastest 5k ever, without even trying.  (Remind me to write about the Run Thru The Rapids, my fastest recorded time a month ago)

As I headed in to my last half mile, I realized, I was quite tired of carrying these blasted balloons.  Whose idea was this anyway?  You would be surprised how much resistance is created when you have 10 balloons tied together as you try to run!  My arm was tired of the resistance and my hand was tired from gripping them tight so I didn’t lose them.

Coincidentally this is  how I have felt about my weight.  I am tired of carrying it around.  Tired of it getting in my way, and in the way of others, tired of it limiting my mobility and tired of all of the negative emotions it brings with it.

I was nearing the end and ready to let this burden go, once and for all.  I picked up my pace too because now that I knew I could PR without trying, now I was actually gonna TRY and see what I could do!  I sprinted down the hill, around the bend, along the river, through the tunnel (no joke, the only thing missing is Grandma’s house) and there is my stretch of sky to let my burden go in before I cross the finish line…

I paused.  I looked up and let my balloons go.  (I tried to take a picture, but a picture was not meant to be)

In the words of some famous boy band…”Bye-Bye-Bye”
My balloons were just out of range of my camera….and I wasn’t waiting around for re-takes I had a race to finish!

Then I took off, ready to finish my best race yet!

Then, I came to a screeching halt.  I realized, for the first time, what it is like to finish this race in the middle of the pack of finishers.  100 yards and about 15 running seconds away from my finish line, Suddenly, traffic backed up and the race stopped as thousands of runners came into the finish area at the same time with nowhere to go.  It took me another 5 minutes to actually cross the finish line.

My finish line is just under the sign that says “Cobo Hall” So freaking close!! That under 45 time is eluding me…

I am used to finishing so far behind everyone else that the announcer has time to get my bib number, look it up, and then call out my name as I huff and puff to the finish line.  I don’t think I like this middle of the pack business.  I think I am just gonna have to get faster so I finish at the FRONT of the pack, because there is no going backwards for me!

All done and with my medal! (I like medals….)

Final Results. Although my time WOULD have been in the low 44 minute range. Oh well, I keep telling myself a PR was not the goal for this race! Blast my competitive side!

WS# 6 Don’t Be Afraid To Offend Someone

This journey is your own and I have discovered that in my own journey the level of support I have rises with my level of commitment to it.  In the beginning, outside of a select few, I felt very little real support.  Part of this was due to me keeping quiet and part of it was the fact that people had watched my wishy-washiness of the past and were waiting to see if this would be a repeat of my previous failed commitments.

So this time, as I realized the level of commitment that Leif was asking for when I signed up with him, combined with my determination that I would give him everything he asked for (so I could walk away knowing I had done everything i could), I dove in 100%.

What does this mean?

Well, for this post it meant that When invited out to dinner, I was willing to say no and possibly offend the person extending the invitation.  It also meant, if i was invited over for dinner, I learned to be comfortable with asking what was for dinner and letting them know about my journey and how they could support me.  If they were unwilling (rarely the case) I simply brought my own food.

35 weeks later, when i travel to West Michigan for a 2 day weekend, I have my suitcase and I have my cooler full of food.  At mealtimes, I simply bust out my travel containers.

At first, I think people were a little put out, but they began to realize I was serious as a heart attack about this journey.  Now though, people ask me when my free meal is so we can go out to eat.  Or when they invite me for dinner, they ask what my plan is that week.  They realized pretty quickly that my journey had nothing to do with them and I WANTED to spend time with them, but I had to also take care of me too.

I have not had anyone remain offended once they realized this truth.  I have not lost any friends because of my journey. If anything, I have gained so many more and my support system of people has grown exponentially as I have remained steadfast, no. matter. what.

Remembering…The Last 100 Pounds

This morning, I woke up to an email from my Doctor.  I had emailed her last night to ask her what my highest recorded weight was.  I don’t know why I did this.  I knew the answer.  356.  I also knew I was SO very close to hitting 100 pounds lost, I could taste it, and had been holding off on scheduling my annual physical because I wanted to go and have hit this milestone.

Her email response said that her charts indicate that in 2006, I weighed in with her at 368.

So many emotions hit me at once, I quickly became overwhelmed.

Oh my gosh!  I made it!, was my delighted reaction.

Oh my gosh! I was bigger than I thought!, was my regretful reaction.

Oh NO! I missed it!, was my panicked reaction as I realized that I had hit this mark a few weeks ago!

I had been anticipating this milestone for a while now, knowing I was getting close.  I finally believed it could happen and I had been dreaming of exactly how I would celebrate this momentus occasion, this obvious reflection of my hard work and commitment.   I wasn’t prepared to find out that I had already hit this huge milestone, and then to be alone on the day I found out with absolutely no plan in place for celebration and then realizing, that those which whom I would really want to celebrate with, those who have journeyed with me into the dark places of my heart so I wouldn’t get lost in there, are all far away.  So it feels very anticlimactic and yet I feel like this is a really REALLY big deal and should be given time and space.  And, even if those who know my heart well were close by, I would have no answer as to how to celebrate this at all.

So an online friend from my LAF family suggested I take some time and reflect a bit…and so I am…I am remembering the last 100 Pounds.  Perhaps in the reflection I will find what I am looking for and perhaps a lesson or 2 to be learned.  This post might get lengthy, but that’s ok.  Today’s writing is for me, and me alone.

100 pounds and counting….

2006 was the year “Coach” and I became friends.  It was also the year that I decided I was going to get serious about my weight.  I had acknowledged my issues with sexual abuse(I would soon learn that acknowledgement is not the same as dealing with it) and I knew how I hid and ran and lied about food.  Coach, and a few others were on board to help support me. 60 lbs later, I derailed. I wasn’t ready to face my sexual abuse history head on, and until I was, nothing would work.

In 2007 I half assed it.  I was kind of in but not really.  God was pursuing me to look at the issues of my heart and my past and how I used food to self protect and I was NOT letting him catch me.   Not fully anyway.  This was the year I started counseling.

2008 is where it really began.  I was caught, by God, and I surrendered.  I allowed myself to be led down a path towards healing and wholeness all while embarking on what I declared to be my final quest for weight loss.  I remember, the really painful days of looking at the ugliness within me and the ugliness done to me.  I remember the sweetness and the security of a few good men God placed in my life to show me that men can be safe and trustworthy and good.  I remember how well I was and am loved.  God knew I needed men to take a stand in my life FOR me and my how they did.

I remember so much joy, and celebration over the last few years.  I remember the time I found the courage to do one leg of a triathlon.  Then 2 legs the following year and Coach ran with me to make sure I didn’t walk.  I remember dragging Adam to all sorts of aerobics, yoga, and Pilates classes at the gym. I remember the rallying of friends who said friends don’t let friends run alone and drove with me to TN for my first and 2nd half marathon.  I remember doing my first full triathlon.

And I remember all of this being overshadowed by the fact that no matter what I did, my body seemed to betray me at every turn.

So now, I find it unbelievable that this milestone kind of crept up on me.  In my mind, it was coming and I knew it and I was excited.  But I had a different number in my mind.  When I woke up, prior to reading the email, there was a strong possibility that I would reach that milestone today and if not, soon. In my mind, I was only 4 lbs away.   So, it was shocking to say the least to realize I had already passed this milestone.

And so now I sit in wonder.  How does one celebrate 100 lbs lost?  How does one appropriately honor the hard work, the tears, the frustration, the trust and the victory that is all wrapped up in this 3 digit number?  How does one honor the relationships that have sustained me through really hard moments?   How does one bring enough glory to a God who truly has saved me and brought me new life?  In so many ways, the need and desire to celebrate this moment has both nothing and everything to do with the number.  I don’t know that there are answers to these questions, but I am now taking suggestions.

In the meantime, these lyrics speak so much truth about my journey and how I feel in this moment.

There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I’d reached the end, baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays

This is my now and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around I can’t believe the love I see
My fear’s behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now

I had to decide, was I gonna to play it safe?
Or look somewhere deep inside, try to turn the tide
And find the strength to take that step of faith?

This is my now and I am breathing in the moment

As I look around I can’t believe the love I see
My fear’s behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now

But I have a courage like never before, yeah
I’ve settled for less, but I’m ready for more
Ready for more!

Tate, I am so ready for more. Ready to do something REALLY brave and lose this last 100.  You with me?  We have another milestone to reach my friend, 100lbs WITH YOU!

Just A Little Progress In 2012

When You Don’t Give Up

 

I don’t know that anything more needs to be said.  I am incredibly grateful, in this moment for my friends who have stood by me the last 4 years, putting up with my crazy days and helping me to never give up, quit, walk away or hide.   I am grateful for the continuous encouragement and support and even the really dumb things people say that help fuel my fire to keep going!

I am further grateful to the Leif Anderson Team (Leif and Tate) for putting together a nutrition and training strategy that would keep my body burning fat and moving forward week after week.  They too have put up with no small amount of the Kim Krazies on occasion and there is not enough money in the world to pay them for that.  Friends kind of have to put up with it, but these guys don’t, and did.

Then there is the LAF Family.  Others who have gone before me or are with me on this journey or are on their own journey with very different goals but similar methods who have rallied around each other.  We have cheered each other on.  Cried with each other on the disappointing or hard days and helped pick each other back up when we have fallen down.

But mostly, I am thankful to Jesus this year for healing my heart, making me whole, and letting it finally start to be reflected in my body.    As my dear friend Mike (aka Coach, and the guy in the NYC picture) once told me, “It is because I have been freed that I am now free to order my body in such a way that it reflects my freedom!”