If you are reading chronologically, I am sure I have you very confused as to my current state of mind. Don’t worry, you are not alone. It truly does change from moment to moment and often leaves me confused too…and part of this is me catching up on blogs I have written in my head on my long walks that I get to do for cardio.
Last week, or perhaps the week before I was out for a morning walk and was crossing a major intersection. As I walked, and sang to my IPOD, I looked around and noticed a man(an attractive man) watching me as he waited for his light to change.
Historically, I would have automatically gone to a place of shame and assumed that this man was staring at me in disbelief that this massive woman was out walking.
Not that day. On that day, I went with the assumption that he was checking me out. (Yes, it was a confident feeling day).
Historically, I would have looked back down at the ground and avoided eye contact and hurried myself along.
Not that day. Instead I boldly made eye contact with him the whole way as I crossed a 5 lane road. I smiled. I wanted him to know that I knew he was watching me.
Switch to work: A man I find attractive came in to the credit union where I work. I love to wait on him, mainly because he is just a very kind man with a good heart and a great smile….and he has ALWAYS called me beautiful. What woman doesn’t like to hear that? Especially when on some level you believe him when 99% of the time when anyone else calls you beautiful, you dismiss it as delusional thought patterns of the giver of such praise. For whatever reason, I also feel pretty safe around this man. I don’t get a creeper vibe from him at all and I have excellent creepdar! Truth be told, if he had ever asked me out (before his recent marriage of course) I very well might have said yes!
Anyway, he came in and walked up to me and told me I had to stop. Puzzled, I asked exactly what it was that I had to stop. He told me that every time he comes in, whether I wait on him or not, he notices me and how I am shrinking so fast. He said he is afraid one day he is going to walk in and not recognize me! I just smiled at him and I am sure turned beet red as he referred to me as “Damn Sexy!”
Another attractive man came into work. Another one of my favorites. He will let others do his transactions but anything beyond cash in/out, he waits for me. I saw him come in and saw him waiting in the lobby so I went out and asked if he was waiting to see me. He was, so I told him to come in my office and proceeded to walk in front of him as I led him in.
All of a sudden I hear.
MMM HMmmmm I SEE! MMMM MMMM MMMM yes, I do see!
I turned around, somehow knowing what he was talking about, and grinned. What exactly is it that you see Teresz?
MMM MMM yes maam I SEE. Diet’s workin!!
I laughed, and told him to knock it off. 1. You are married and shouldn’t be checking out my butt 2. you are embarrassing me!
Secretly, I was delighted. This, was a first for me.
I am currently at my lightest weight ever. I have often wondered who I would become as my body shrank. I recently wrote a guest blog post for a friend about perseverance and in it I said that it is strange to be living in a body that doesn’t fit who I am. It is like it isn’t me. I am not home yet.
I am an athlete. My body does not reflect this.
I can lift fairly heavy weights and keep growing stronger all the time. You would never know this by looking at me.
I can run. In fact, I love to run and am a RUNNER! Who would think that if they just looked at me?
See, I feel like I am living in a body that is not home. I am not comfortable in my skin, because it is not a true reflection of me, the me on the inside.
As I shrink, and I begin to fit into my new body, I also wonder how I will change. Already there seems to be a new Kim emerging. I used to think I was pretty confident and bold and adventurous. But there seems to be a new level of that emerging and I don’t know who that girl is that makes bold eye contact with men on the street, or who laughs and flirts as men call her beautiful, or who blushes over compliments…because she is enjoying being delighted in.
No, I don’t know who that girl is…but I LIKE HER and I cannot wait to get to know her better!