Tag Archive | hope

Who Is THAT Girl?

If you are reading chronologically, I am sure I have you very confused as to my current state of mind.  Don’t worry, you are not alone.  It truly does change from moment to moment and often leaves me confused too…and part of this is me catching up on blogs I have written in my head on my long walks that I get to do for cardio.

Last week, or perhaps the week before I was out for a morning walk and was crossing a major intersection.  As I walked, and sang to my IPOD, I looked around and noticed a man(an attractive man) watching me as he waited for his light to change.

Historically, I would have automatically gone to a place of shame and assumed that this man was staring at me in disbelief that this massive woman was out walking.

Not that day.  On that day, I went with the assumption that he was checking me out.  (Yes, it was a confident feeling day).

Historically, I would have looked back down at the ground and avoided eye contact and hurried myself along.

Not that day.  Instead I boldly made eye contact with him the whole way as I crossed a 5 lane road.  I smiled.  I wanted him to know that I knew he was watching me.

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Switch to work:  A man I find attractive came in to the credit union where I work.  I love to wait on him, mainly because he is just a very kind man with a good heart and a great smile….and he has ALWAYS called me beautiful.  What woman doesn’t like to hear that?  Especially when on some level you believe him when 99% of the time when anyone else calls you beautiful, you dismiss it as delusional thought patterns of the giver of such praise.  For whatever reason, I also feel pretty safe around this man.  I don’t get a creeper vibe from him at all and I have excellent creepdar!  Truth be told, if he had ever asked me out (before his recent marriage of course) I very well might have said yes!

Anyway, he came in and walked up to me and told me I had to stop.  Puzzled, I asked exactly what it was that I had to stop.  He told me that every time he comes in, whether I wait on him or not, he notices me and how I am shrinking so fast.  He said he is afraid one day he is going to walk in and not recognize me!  I just smiled at him and I am sure turned beet red as he referred to me as “Damn Sexy!”

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Another attractive man came into work.  Another one of my favorites.  He will let others do his transactions but anything beyond cash in/out, he waits for me.  I saw him come in and saw him waiting in the lobby so I went out and asked if he was waiting to see me.  He was, so I told him to come in my office and proceeded to walk in front of him as I led him in.

All of a sudden I hear.
MMM HMmmmm I SEE!  MMMM MMMM MMMM yes, I do see!

I turned around, somehow knowing what he was talking about, and grinned.  What exactly is it that you see Teresz?

MMM MMM yes maam I SEE.  Diet’s workin!!

I laughed, and told him to knock it off.  1. You are married and shouldn’t be checking out my butt 2. you are embarrassing me!

Secretly, I was delighted. This, was a first for me.

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I am currently at my lightest weight ever. I have often wondered who I would become as my body shrank.  I recently wrote a guest blog post for a friend about perseverance and in it I said that it is strange to be living in a body that doesn’t fit who I am.  It is like it isn’t me.  I am not home yet.

I am an athlete.  My body does not reflect this.

I can lift fairly heavy weights and keep growing stronger all the time.  You would never know this by looking at me.

I can run.  In fact, I love to run and am a RUNNER!  Who would think that if they just looked at me?

See, I feel like I am living in a body that is not home.  I am not comfortable in my skin, because it is not a true reflection of me, the me on the inside.

As I shrink, and I begin to fit into my new body, I also wonder how I will change.  Already there seems to be a new Kim emerging.  I used to think I was pretty confident and bold and adventurous.  But there seems to be a new level of that emerging and I don’t know who that girl is that makes bold eye contact with men on the street, or who laughs and flirts as men call her beautiful, or who blushes over compliments…because she is enjoying being delighted in.

No, I don’t know who that girl is…but I LIKE HER and I cannot wait to get to know her better!

The First 20 Weeks

From my title you may be able to guess that I have signed on again with Leif Anderson Fitness for another round of torture treatment success.

I haven’t had a lot of time to actually write out what the last 20 weeks have entailed, mainly because I am always prepping food or working out or volunteering with my church or….just exhausted.  However, I have been processing things a lot and have a million blogs written in my head.  Here is a snapshot of what is to come before I get going on this one.

  • New York City and Coach!
  • Buying things and giving them away
  • Shopping in my new size
  • “I can’t” vs “I get to”
  • Warrior Dash 2012

That is just a few of the teasers of things to come.  For now, back to the First 20 weeks!

The past 20 weeks have been hard in a very different way than any other part of my journey towards fat loss.  I have had to get over the idea in my head that I have to work harder to get better results.  The reality for me has been that the opposite is true.  For much of my time, my physical training program has consisted of low to medium intensity “walks” with a smattering of high intensity intervals and strength training.  For most of the last 5 months I have not been able to run or Crossfit or boot camps or any other kind of workout that I would deem “FUN”.  The style of workout that I love(hard, fast, intense) is not necessarily the style of workout that is most conducive to fat loss, so it seems.
I have had to learn to trust a man I have yet to meet or talk to with a huge aspect of my life.  Given my history with trainers promising results and producing little actual results, this was difficult at best.  Add to that my own trust/control issues in general, trusting a stranger with all of my numbers and giving him control of everything I eat, drink or do for exercise for the foreseeable future and you have a boiling pot of possible chaos and mess.   Trusting Leif Anderson was probably the biggest piece to this whole time.  I didn’t always get the explanations and answers I would want or think I needed in order to do the plan well when I wanted them.  I don’t know from his end if this was intentional on his part or not, but it helped me in learning to trust him.

He gives the plan, I follow it and it either produces results or it doesn’t.  If it doesn’t I had to learn to NOT go into self hate mode and blame myself or my body for its failings but rather to evaluate.  Did I follow the plan or not?  If I did, then I had to learn to let it go and trust that he is looking at those same numbers and planning and plotting a strategy that WILL produce.

I had to settle down, quit challenging him to prove me and my body wrong and I had to let go and let him do his thing.

In many ways, following this ever-changing plan was easier than anything I have ever done.  While I DID have many moments of freaking out because in a SINGLE week, perhaps I didn’t lose or perhaps I had a gain, for the most part, losses have been the most consistent thing.  I began to notice a pattern to now my body seems to lose weight and by the end, my freakouts were far less crazy and way more manageable.   I never once had to question whether my trainer knew what he was doing or if he was paying attention.  If a program did not yield results in one week but he continued with the plan, he explained why we were giving it another go.
It has been a wonderful thing to work through a lot of really hard stuff and at the end of the designated time actually see results.  As of the end of my first 20 weeks, I was down 50 lbs and up a whole lot of hope.   I am incredibly grateful that God led me to LAF when He did.  I am glad I decided to give him one shot at my body.  I am grateful that this man  is passionate about what he does and was willing to step into what could have been a really ugly space(and at times was) to help me along.

I am forever grateful to Leif for showing me my body is not broken….and one day…possibly within the next year, I will walk back into that endocrinologist office(who told me my only hope was surgery) and show him how wrong he is/was.
For now though, I continue working with the Leif Anderson Fitness Team, which for me means, that Tate is no longer just my cheerleader.  I am now working with both Leif and Tate to achieve all of my fitness goals.

I know the LAF website is down right now because they are not actively taking on new clients right now, however if you are really interested let me know, I can get you in contact with them so that when a spot opens up you can be in line for them!

When Hope Happens

A couple of weeks ago, I had all the kiddos over for the night.  In fact, it was the same night that the previous post came out of.  While getting ready for work on a Friday morning, I had just weighed in and discovered a 3lb loss.  Can you believe I was mildly bummed?  I thought to myself, “Kim, since when is a 3lb loss a small loss to you?”

Oh, I know.  When Leif showed me that my body wasn’t broken and actually had the potential to lose 8 lbs in one week!!

I have worked really hard to not have any expectations for this process.  I have tried really hard to stay detached from it and to simply follow the plan and let Leif worry about everything else.  4 Years of disappointment with my body has taught me to not have any long term expectations of losses. At the same time, I have tried to not get super excited on the good weeks either.  If history repeats itself, it won’t last right?

We are on week 7 now and the 2 weeks following that amazing 3 lb loss I gained 1 and lost 1.  It is difficult to to not go to the dark place that perhaps my wacky thoughts are true.  It is difficult to NOT drown in disappointment.  It is a daily fight to remain neutral on either of these spectrums of emotion.  The spectrum that ranges from hope….to disappointment.  It is difficult to NOT write scathing emails to Leif reminding him that I told him so, that my body was F’d up!

I keep reminding myself, sometimes daily and sometimes moment by moment, that I promised him and myself 20 weeks to let him do his thing.  20 weeks to figure out my body.  20 weeks to do something that no one else has been able to do.  For 20 weeks, I would simply follow the plan and let him worry about changes.

Here is the dilemma.

  •  I am a control freak.  This works for me and against me in Leif’s plans.  His plans  are very calculated and controlled.  Every bite is measured and weighed.  This works for my need for control.  However, they are HIS plans and I have no control over them.  I cannot change them.  I have to trust this man whom I have never even spoken verbally to, to come up with plans for my body that will hopefully yield results.
  • Hope happened.  I didn’t want to hope in this process.  Like I said, I have worked really hard to be neutral about it all.   I know hope happened though because I have felt a lot of disappointment, especially these last couple of weeks and I know you can’t know disappointment without first knowing hope.   Hope feels good, but man disappointment, well, it hurts.  And once you know it, you can’t un-know it!

So, now I have hope.  Leif keeps changing things each week.  Sometimes they are big changes and sometimes they are small ones.  Sometimes they are nutritional only changes and sometimes they are workout related changes.  I am learning that although I can’t count on my body to do what I hope for or even expect (especially when I am near perfect in following the plan) I can count on an email before I go to bed on weigh in day of what I need to change for the next week.  I can count on Leif analyzing my results and figuring out a course of action.

So, for now, I will work to trust that…and I will work to remember the words of my niece that Friday morning as I got ready for work.  “Auntie, I think you shrunk!”  I will also work to remember that in 6 weeks I am down 18 lbs.  The 7 year old just might be seeing some truth that I don’t see yet.  Perhaps I should listen to the wisdom of a child.

Hoping Out Loud

a few weeks posts ago, I wrote about Hope.  I talked of hope and not wanting to hope because I feared the feeling of disappointment that comes when one hopes too much.  I talked of not being able to control hope and how I can try to stamp it out or hide it or minimize it, but in the end…hope happens.

So this week, I am heading into another weigh in and this time I am embracing hope.  In all its fullness, I am daring to hope out loud and I am finding that hope brings a sense of

Excitement.

Wonder.

Anticipation.

Expectation.

Longing.

Wanting.

Joy.

Don’t get me wrong, there is still a lingering sense of fear that my hopes for tomorrow’s weigh in COULD be dashed and I could be left with a strong disappointment and Demond may have his first Kim Meltdown on his hands.  (He has yet to see this.  Perhaps I should have had him talk to Jess or Coach or Aaron to get some tips on how to handle me when such a thing happens)

However, I could have lived this past week in fear, which is one emotion that seems to come along with hope, although I am certain the author of that emotion is NOT the same as the Author of Hope OR  I could choose to live in the sense of ALL THE OTHER emotions that stem from Hope.

I chose the latter this week and I am glad.  I have been less worried about this weigh in. In fact, it wasn’t even officially scheduled until Thursday when Coach texted to ask when he was getting an update again.  He, for once, wanted my numbers before I did!  I knew it was coming though.  I turned Demond down 2 weeks ago when he tried to get me on the scale at 4 in the afternoon!  I told him he was on CRACK!  Then, last week I avoided it altogether and would have denied him the scale then too, but only because I knew it was THAT time and I would have been retaining mega water.

I am excited for tomorrow.   I am daring to hope (OUT LOUD) that FINALLY I will dip, ok more than dip, back into the 200’s again.

I know this sets me up for possible great disappointment and a possible meltdown.  But that is a risk I am willing to take.  I am fearing those things less and less these days because I know now, after 2.5 years of this…I will get back up.  Again and again and again and again.  I know now that my meltdowns are shorter and shorter in duration and I recover much quicker from them.

Besides that, I can’t shield myself from all disappointment in life.  It comes and it shapes me.  It builds my faith and my character.  So it can come, if it must…because I am not giving up my hope!!  Not today.  Not tomorrow.  Not Ever!

What are you afraid to hope for and are you willing to dare to hope out loud for it?  Are you willing to share your hopes with someone else so they can grieve or celebrate with you as life unfolds?

Just A Little Something

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Yep, I changed my blog header photo…again…and this time for once it is not the full view of the road…but an up close look at a very small section of the road.  My deep thought of the day on this?

Life even grows amongst the rocks.  Not a lot of life, but life nonetheless, and sometimes that little bit of life holds enough hope to keep going.

That’s all I got today folks…