Tag Archive | emotions

Living In The Tension Of What Is and What Is To Come

It has been a while since I have busted out the “Kim’s Translation” of the Bible and it is about overdue ūüėȬ†(This one came with a little help from my Pastor in trying to communicate this concept, Thanks Jim)

There is a theology/thought/belief/biblical idea about the Kingdom of God being here, but not yet.


Say what??

I know, sounds kind of crazy, right?  Here, but not really?  What does this mean?

Let me ATTEMPT to explain, but remember, I am no theologian, I am just a girl working out her faith and learning along the way.  My understanding of the Bible will change over time as I grow, but for today, this is how I understand it, with help from Jim!

So, Jesus came to earth to fulfill a promise(or several promises really)¬† He came that we might have life, abundant life.¬† Overflowing life.¬† Life to the full. He came to bring His Kingdom, His ways, His power, to earth, to give it to us and when He returned to heaven, he left His Spirit with us…so we can have those things.

The problem.  We are still on earth, and while we are now the Temple for the Holy Spirit and it/he resides in us, It does not reside in all because not all have received it/him.  And, we are not in heaven yet, and we still live in a world that has sin all around us every day, and often we (I) are the perpetrators of such sin.

So we have this promise of abundant life and yet because of the sin in the world and in our lives, we don’t get to experience the fullness of that hope and promise yet.

Think of it this way, Grandma is baking her best cookies for you.¬† You love these cookies.¬† They are the best cookies ever!¬† She puts them in the oven and then hands you the spoon to lick.¬† You savor that spoon and can’t wait til those cookies are done.¬† You have just had a foretaste and you KNOW these cookies, in all due time, will be AMAZING and you can hardly wait. You watch the timer.¬† You count the minutes.¬† You wait in anticipation for the FULLNESS of what is to come.

That is what it means to say that the Kingdom of God is here, but not yet.

Now,what the heck does this have to do with anything I have ever written about?

Well, in this here, not yet idea, lies a tension.¬† A tension to want to push the process, to speed things up, to manipulate the thermostat to make those cookies get done quicker vs waiting patiently for the process to happen in the best way possible under the absolutely best conditions…and according to the Master’s GREATEST plan.¬† Grandma’s cookies are the best because she knows what she is doing.¬† Let her do her thing!

So, I am realizing, my journey is alot like this.  Just as God has begun a good work in me and will see it to completion, Leif has also begun a good work in my body and has restored great hope for me that my body is in fact NOT BROKEN and can and will lose weight.

In the last month, I have struggled with the tension of trusting Leif and Tate with their GREATEST plan for my body that will help to fulfill their promise to me of achieving lasting fat loss.  In the restoration of hope in this area, dreams I never knew I held within me were released into my soul and I began to anticipate what it might be like to be at goal.  I began to dream of things I never dared to dream before.  Dreams of perhaps wearing a bikini was a big one even if for only one day before realizing I am far to modest for that. But really the idea that if I wanted to I COULD wear one and really own it and work it!

More and more though, my body has been shifting and changing and while I am starting to look amazing in clothes, I know what lies underneath those clothes and that underneath those clothes, a time has come where I have had to start wearing Spanx, or some version of them, aka a girdle(this was a hard place to be in to have to buy and wear this article of clothing).   I see in the mirror all the loose skin and the unevenness in which my weight is coming off.  It is not pretty folks. In fact, it has been devastating.  I think, or at least it feels like, I have cried more this past month than I did during the 2 years when I was actively engaging my sexual abuse healing/therapy.  Now, that might not be true, given that I am a bit removed from that time, but sheesh, it sure feels like it.

I have begun to worry about what is to come and if those dreams that were birthed in me along with renewed hope would ever come true.¬† Or if I will have to find a very rich man to marry who can pay for skin removal surgery.¬† In all of this I have found myself angry at both Leif and Tate for bringing me to such a place that I would dare dream of something that just doesn’t seem possible, in this moment, in this mirror image that I see when I am naked and alone.

So I find myself in this tension of both hope and despair.¬† Hope and excitement of what IS happening and what is to come…and realizing I need to let go of some of those dreams of things I cannot control so that the cards can be played out.¬† A tension of trust vs control.¬† I have two men who know what they are doing.¬† They are the BEST cookie makers in the business, if you will.¬† Me begging them to give me all the ins and outs of their recipe in the moment is NOT going to make things happen any faster or better.¬† If I understood exactly what was happening, I would be tempted to manipulate and control things instead of simply trusting these two body whisperers.

Now just because I finally have words to explain where I have been this past month doesn’t make it any easier.¬† I have had to put blinders on like they do on a horse at a parade so that I can’t see all that is around me and be distracted.¬† Despite my chaotic emotional state that has felt crazy as I live out the tension, I have had to do whatever was necessary to stay true to the plan, nutritionally and training wise.¬† I have had to stop looking at new friends results and comparing their journey’s to mine.¬†¬† During this time, I have gotten ugly.¬† Ironic, since my journey is about becoming beautiful, the kind of beautiful that Jesus would behold!

I have NOT represented myself or Jesus well.¬† I could blame it on “Dieter’s Rage” but that would be me not taking responsibility for my life and actions.¬† Daily, it has been a battle and as I wrestled with trusting these two men, particularly Tate, I have lashed out and said some really ugly things.¬† Hurtful things.¬† I realize in hindsight that I just wanted to feel like I had some semblance of control over some piece of all of this journey.¬† Slowly, I am learning…in Faith, my job is to trust Jesus where He leads and He has led me to these men. In my body transformation, my job is to trust these two and to not treat them poorly when they hold the line for me.¬†¬† Fortunately, for me, Jesus is a master at forgiveness, and Leif and Tate don’t take it personal when I lash out, and they too forgive me.

For now though, I have my 60 lbs lost, my foretaste of what is to come, if I would trust the process.¬† I have the promise, it is mine to collect on, but it’s not all the way here.¬† Yet. It is a journey, a process, and I am not done yet.


A picture of hope, me-mid process. 2 photos taken a year apart, although really, all the change has happened in the last 6 months.


“I Can’t” VS “I Get To”

I am finding that this process requires all sorts of Jedi mind tricks to get through to the other side.  You have already read about how I will make/buy delicious things that I want and then choose to give them away.  This next one is more of a conscious shift in how I choose to relate to this journey.

Quite often, I find myself frustrated by what I cannot do/have.¬† In the physical training realm, I MISS my really fun Crossfit workouts. I miss the high intensity badassery of it all.¬† I miss throwing weights and dropping them.¬† I miss running and training.¬† The last four years, part of what has kept me going is the shorter term goals of races to run and things to do just because I can!¬† When the weight wasn’t coming off I could console myself with the fact that “at least I can run a half marathon” or “at least I can do a spring triathlon”.

Now, the fat is coming off my body but I am not allowed to do those things I have come to love(at least for a time) because it isn’t the most effective method of training for how Leif and Tate are manipulating my body nutritionally.¬†¬† I often try to reframe my goals, but another 150 lbs sounds too daunting to take on.¬† So I break it down into smaller goals.¬† 50 lbs.¬† But the reality is, I cannot control how or when that happens.¬† That is Leif and Tate’s job. I just get to do what I am told.¬† Sheesh!¬† No wonder I feel so out of control.¬†¬† I have chosen to trust 2 virtual strangers with everything that relates to my fitness and nutrition planning and while they tell me following the plan is always my choice, the alternative doesn’t really feel like a choice at all!

So quite often I find myself whining.

“I can’t eat another friggin egg white, Tate!”

“I can’t walk alone every single day Tate, I am bored out of my mind!”

“No, friend, I can’t Crossfit with you today, I am not allowed.”

“Ummm, no I can’t do sprints, it’s not allowed this week.”

What I have begun to do to counteract the effects of the “I can’t” is come up with the things that “I GET TO”

I GET TO eat food that has the best nutritional profile for my goals.

I GET TO walk each day, move my body, and lately, I have a friend to do it with.

I GET TO do the kind of workouts that will further my long-term goal of fat loss, priming my body to be at its very best once I am released to run, tri, or Crossfit again.

I GET TO order my body in such a way that it reflects the freedom that I have received on the inside as I have walked out emotional healing.

On any given day my list of “I can’t” changes and grows.¬† Each day I GET TO, re-frame how I am thinking so that I can see the benefit.

A bit Pollyanna-ish?  Perhaps.  But as long as I am not stuffing my emotions and I am actually processing them out, then I say, what ever works to keep me in the game and on the field.

Today, actually, right NOW, my big I CAN’T is.¬† I CAN’T stay up to eat my last meal, I am sick and need my rest.

I GET TO stay up a little while longer, knowing I came home early from work and did plenty of resting.  I GET TO give my body ALL of the nutrition it needs so it can fight off whatever I have come down with.  Less nutrition will NOT help me get better faster.

Good Coaches VS Friends

As I keep journeying on and I keep making progress and I continue to have crazy girl meltdowns, I am realizing that there is a difference between a coach and a friend.

A friend will

  • listen with compassion to the woes of your heart
  • will hold you as you cry out your fears, frustrations, and heartache
  • they will cry with you
  • they will get angry with you over the things that make you mad
  • they will cheer for you no matter what
  • they will run to your side when you fall down and make sure you are ok and perhaps even encourage a small break while you get your bearings again.

A coach will

  • draw a line in the sand and expect you to cross it
  • they will not cry with you when you fail or when you are having a breakdown
  • they will always encourage you to keep going
  • they have been hired to do a job, to get you to goal, and they will do it at all costs.
  • they will hold the line firm.¬† They will set the bar.¬† They will accept nothing less than your best.
  • they will stand nearby when you fall, encouraging you back up and right back into the race.¬† No breaks, no rest.¬† Just get up and keep going.

My struggle is I want my coach’s to be my friends.¬† When I am in a tough place I want them to dig in with me and help me figure out what is going on.¬† I want them to be like the man I call “Coach” and Aaron.¬† I want them to tell me that they understand and all that other stuff that tells me I am not alone.

But I am realizing, if they are to be good coaches, if they are to get me to goal, they can’t also be my friends.¬† Not like I would like anyway.¬† There has to be a separation of sorts. They can’t blur the lines with emotional stuff or they will not be able to hold the line firm for me as I press on.¬† A friend is likely to drop the line and swoop in to rescue me when I flounder.¬† A coach, a good coach, will not.

This journey is forcing me to learn to set aside my ever relational heart and to learn to let go and simply trust another.¬†¬† When my coaches don’t respond to me in a way that necessarily feels good or feels compassionate, I have to remember, they have a job to do.¬† They cannot allow themselves to get entangled in my “stuff”.¬† They must remain objective.¬† They are there to create the plans that will get me to goal, not to hold my hand when I fall. I am grateful for this.¬† I am.¬† I see the need and value in it.¬† AND it is a hard line for me, being who I am.

It has only taken me 5 trainers/coaches to realize that this “line” is not a personal thing…it is a professional line.¬† I think I need to start learning quicker.

The Need For Perspective

This weekend I have decided to take a Facebook sabbatical in an effort to gain some perspective by eliminating distraction from spending some much-needed time writing and processing some things out.  At the rate things are going, I am not sure how long I will last.  This social butterfly is feeling pretty isolated from the online community that encourages each other most and am feeling pretty crabby about it.  In fact, I could go eat the entire batch of banana nut bread I made into mini loaves for future free meals, very easily right now.  I never realized how much I have come to rely on my FB community for support.

So what prompted this?

The last for years (somewhat chronologically). 2008-current(August 2012)

This photo did.¬† The other night, mom made me take a picture for her as she prepared to go have dinner with some long-lost cousins of hers.¬† She wanted a current picture of me.¬† Well, she also had some old pictures of me which were awful.¬† Not just because of my size in them, but she managed to choose pictures of me at my worst!¬† So I went in search of some before pictures for her that she could show her cousins.¬† I get it.¬† She is proud of me and wants to brag.¬† I can’t very well steal her joy so I might as well find pictures I am willing to let people see!

In the process of searching for a couple of pictures, I ended up putting together this collage of photos.  The memories of where most of these photos were taken bring me great joy!

That first pic is me dancing in delight as I was told I would get to milk a cow while in Kosova!¬† The picture with the tank top and bib number is my first ever 5K and really the first time I did 2 legs of a triathlon relay.¬† Coach¬† had run it with me to ensure I ran the whole way and had just peeled off to let me finish on my own!¬† Others are at various triathlons or the half marathons I have done.¬† One was at the big Premiere night of my TBL audition video!¬† What a fun night that was!¬† The more formal looking ones were taken as photos to go with my TBL applications.¬† The last one…is the one I took for mom.

I ended up posting this picture on FB and getting a huge response from people.¬† It became overwhelming actually. My phone began to blow up from all the notifications of people “liking” or commenting on my picture.¬† All very encouraging things!¬† I should have been elated.¬† Instead I found myself more and more sad as the day went on.

I look at this picture, and I see so many things.  I see the accomplishments in the races.  I remember all of the love and support I have gotten over the years from so many.  I see the drastic change from even 6 months ago til now.

and I see…very clearly how little things were changing in the last 4 years, until now. I see my weight fluctuating up and down.¬† I see all the wasted years.¬† I see and remember how very hard the last years have been and it makes me sad.¬† I know I SHOULD focus on the now and the fact that I have found Leif and Tate and that history is not repeating itself again.¬† But if¬† I am really honest, despite all the hope I have, there is a piece of me that still doubts.¬† At least today, in these moments.

For this moment, I am sad.  For this moment, I am angry that NO ONE, including doctors seem to know what Leif knows about the body and how to keep it from plateauing.  I am frustrated that I had to get to the point I was before I found him, or he found me rather.   For this moment, I am filled with regret.

So this is one of the primary reasons for a sabbatical.  I need some time to process this in more than status update snippets where fewer people are likely to try to talk me out of my feelings or to invalidate them.

I realize they are wonky.¬† I realize that there is a lot of BOTH/AND going on.¬† I realize that it isn’t ALL sadness and woes, much is exciting and fun. These feelings are mine.¬† They are real and valid and I refuse to stuff them and so I realize the need to pull back a bit and look at the big picture…and gain a little perspective.




PopTarts: An Emotional Eating Tale

Let’s just cut to the chase.¬† On Saturday morning I ate half a Pop Tart.

In a world where my nutrition plan is put together to manipulate my body chemistry such that fat loss happens, this is the ultimate sin.¬† In my world of justification, it happened on a day I was getting a cheat meal chock full of carbs anyway, so probably not going to screw Leif’s body chemistry plans of his for my body too badly.¬† Had this happened mid-week, it could foil his whole plan quite drastically and therefore greatly influence my results.¬† In his plans, it requires 100% follow thru.¬† Tough.¬† Really Tough.

In a world of calories in and calories out and overall nutrition, half a pop tart is probably not a big deal.¬† Not the best choice but not the end of the world either.¬† Except that in my history, often half a pop tart leads to a whole pop tart…which leads to…and I don’t live in a world of calories in vs calories out anymore.

Get the picture?

It is not about the pop tart.

On Saturday morning, I weighed in and lost nothing.¬†¬† The week before I had lost 1 lb and before that was a weird combination of gain/lose from my trip to NYC.¬† Prior to NYC, I was in the low 290’s.¬† After NYC, I have been hovering above 300 again.¬† In my head, I KNOW that Leif’s plans all build on each other and while I don’t see the whole chess board or even have a clear vision of my placement on the board, I know that each nutrition plan I get each week is very calculated.¬† I KNOW that if I followed the plan and maintained, then it is LIKELY what he wanted as he preps my body for the next move that will eventually lead me to winning the game.

I KNOW this.  Intellectually I get it.  However, when you are IN IT, this journey is not all facts and figures and science.  It is heart and soul and emotions.  Facts and figures can be controlled.  The heart and emotions, well they are what they are in any given moment.  And given the places of complete numbness to my feelings and the incredible healing that has occurred in my life, I have learned that my emotions and my heart must be given valid space to be and to feel without justifying, rationalizing, or minimizing.

My current problem is not always recognizing when I am upset.¬† I am thinking that if I am doing a TON of self talk about what is going on and analyzing of my week and wondering what Leif’s big picture plan is, then I MIGHT be upset.¬† But this is hindsight knowledge of course.

That morning, the morning of the Pop Tart, I was prepping some meals for my day and getting ready to head off to work and telling myself that “Leif has a plan, trust him.”¬† I kept reminding myself of this truth and my reality was, I was NOT trusting him, or HIM(God) in those moments.¬† As I gathered my stuff, I noticed a box of pop tarts on the counter and without thinking I opened a package and popped 2 in the toaster…the whole time thinking “WHAT ARE¬† YOU DOING?!¬† STOP NOW!!”

I grabbed them and went out the door and as I drove, I slowly bit into them.¬† In all honesty they were gross.¬† Not nearly what I imagined and they certainly didn’t do what food once did for me, which was to numb the swelling tide of emotions that were becoming more apparent and real to me as my morning progressed.¬† As I drove, I realized how upset I was.¬† Not at the maintain really, but that I was back over 300 and hanging out there.¬† That is what was really bothering me.¬† I had begun to regret NYC.¬† I am certain I did not do well there or nearly as well as I thought I did when I returned.¬† In all honesty, I had no idea how to gauge carbs when eating out like I can gauge 4 oz of protein or 10g of fat.¬† I tried to be reasonable, but I really had no way of knowing and if I did, I didn’t care to do what was necessary to know.¬† Leif said, “you will be able to eat pretty much what you want in NY, within reason.”¬† I took that to the bank and used the fact that I was walking 7-10 miles a day as overdraft protection. (Never a good idea to COUNT ON overdraft protection in your finances or your diet)

So these were my thoughts as I nibbled through a Pop Tart.¬† I didn’t want to regret going to NYC, so many amazing things were seen and getting to see Coach’s new home was amazing.¬† I was mad that regret was even part of my emotions.¬† I was mad that the gain of NY was not coming off as fast as I expected/hoped.¬† I was a boiling pot of emotions.¬† As I took a step back and looked at what was happening to me from outside of my body, while knowing what was happening within my heart, I just broke.¬† The emotional energy I was trying to dam up with food broke and I just cried.

It wasn’t about the F’ ing Pop Tart.¬† It was about my ability to stay true, EVEN when I am upset.¬† I will NEVER reach goal if every time I get upset I eat.¬† Granted this doesn’t happen very often anymore, but still, I hate that it does.¬† I thought I was angry before, but now, I was really angry at myself and my lack of will power or strength.¬† I hated this weakness in me.¬† I hated that I could allow my emotions to dictate my actions.¬† In that moment, I dare say I hated even me…and that killed me.¬† I have come to love me over the years.¬† There really is much greatness in me, and I don’t say that in a conceited way, just honestly.¬† I hated how quickly I could be shoved off-balance in circumstances.¬† I hated that Pop Tart and all it represented for me.

I took a hit.¬† I stumbled.¬† I fell.¬† I got right back up…but what I really wish I knew was…how do I keep from falling in the first place?¬†¬† Falling hurts.

Sorry to disappoint you Leif, but I disappointed myself more.

Lesson:  It is OK to feel what I felt.  It is NOT ok to try to numb out with ANY substance.  Food, drugs, alcohol.

Emotional Storms

It is amazing to me how quickly an emotional storm begins and ends.¬† There is no weather man to forecast when one of these things is going to hit or the potential for damage or really how bad it is going to get…and certainly not how long it will last. No wonder I feel crazy when this kind of stuff hits!

I ended the week before last in a good place with a healthy view of the big picture.  I was excited to move on to the next week and see what comes.  I was not upset by the scale but rather I laughed at it.  Then, the storm came.

It took about 2 seconds for me to go from being in this great place, ready to conquer the world to a place where I felt like I was hanging precariously on the edge of a mountain…

…except that I was being beat by gale force winds and torrential rain and as far as I could tell in the moment, I had no belay line attached to me.

As you read earlier this week I lived the last week in a lot of fear and trembling and literally just tried to hang on.  Going forward seemed impossible so it became a battle that meant waiting out the storm without getting pushed backwards.

Here is just  a sample of ONE of the battles I faced in that crazy week.

On Monday, I already knew that my tolerance for being around foods that were not in my plan was VERY low.  I KNEW this like I knew my own name.  I also have house mates (2 brothers and mom) who choose NOT to eat as I do and so we make separate meals.  Up until this week, I have NEVER asked them NOT to have something specific in the house if I am around.

Monday night, mom and bro and I were driving to my nieces dance recital when we passed a KFC.  Now some of you long time readers might remember that I once put my friendship with dear Aaron on the line over some fried chicken.  If not you can read about that HERE!  Mom suggested we stop and pick some up.  As I looked over at her, aghast that she would even suggest that I eat that, I clearly told her the following.

KFC(aka fried chicken) will NOT be in my car.  I am not stopping.  This is a tough week for me and I cannot be around it.  In fact, I am asking that if you really want it, that you get it on a night I am not home and that it all be gone before I get home.

I think I was pretty clear.

Tuesday, mom was watching all the kids and I managed to run the gauntlet of fast food choices back home without stopping anywhere, to the safety of my home where I had a planned and approved meal waiting for me.   As I pulled in I breathed a sigh of relief that I was home safely and without incident.

Until I walked in the house and smelled…fried chicken. Homemade. The stuff I grew up and fat on. The stuff that even beats out KFC in my book.¬† But that is ok, it is just a smell.¬† With 6 kids plus 3 adults in the house, it has gotta be all gone by now.¬† As I walked through the kitchen to my room to put my stuff away, I knew instantly I was wrong.¬† Not only was there some left, there was so much left it looked as though no one had eaten yet!¬† There was at least a DOZEN pieces of beautiful fried chicken on a platter on the counter.

Are you F%^&*ing kidding me?  Really?  Did we not have this conversation the night before?  Was I NOT clear that I needed help this week and having that around would NOT be helpful?

Mom comes in the kitchen and smiles and tells me how she made it because she knows the kids like it.¬† I reminded her of our conversation last night.¬† She laughed and said…But it is NOT KFC!

Really?  Really.

Bro, who was with us the night before and who keeps talking about needing/wanting to lose weight and has offered to pay me to prep meals for him, laughs and also points out how it is not KFC.

I went in the bathroom and cried.¬† Balled really. This…is my family.¬† This is how we support each other…or not.¬† This is why I have friends…to help me deal with them.¬†¬† I sat in the bathroom, KNOWING full well that I wanted that chicken and knowing that would be the worst decision I could make and yet I had to go back out there and share space with the chicken while prepping my own meal all the while hungry physically and in a really tough emotional place.

When I felt ready (after having texted Aaron and Coach in a panic), I went back out and tried to prep my meal on the other side of the kitchen.¬† Unfortunately, all of my usual stuff I use is kept in one cupboard, right above where the chicken was.¬† I moved the chicken around to wherever I was not.¬† I did a ton of self talk.¬† I thought about Aaron and how fried chicken was the root of a lie that could have cost me my friendship with him (thankfully, he is a pretty gracious guy).¬† I thought about Coach and how much time he and Aaron have invested into supporting me through the last 4 years.¬† I thought about Leif and Tate and how disappointed all 4 of these men would be if I gave in.¬† I thought about myself and what I wanted, what I was working for and how this would NOT support my vision for my life.¬† I thought about how hard I have worked and how much I didn’t want to lay all that aside.¬† I prayed.¬† I cried.¬† I got angry.¬† (ALOT goes on in my head in the 12 minutes it takes for me to do final prep on a meal that is pretty much prepped)

and after all of that…

I didn’t win this night.

This was just one of the million battles I fought the last week.¬† I happened to lose this one.¬† And while in the moment, this storm felt like it was never going to end (it lasted about 4 days, 4 awful days), Thursday I woke up and it didn’t feel so crazy.¬† It felt like perhaps just a strong breeze was blowing.¬† It didn’t feel emotionally/nutritionally dangerous for me to simply get out of bed.¬† By Friday, you wouldn’t have been able to guess that anything crazy had happened this week.

Yep, this is why I feel crazy at times.

Things To Remember On Weigh In Day

It has been awhile since my last blog post.¬† I have many thoughts just no concentrated time to write them out so I have been storing away little nuggets to remember to write about.¬† For today, I wanted to write about some things I have noticed this week, BEFORE I get to a weigh in. Things I want to remember…

I am onto week 8 with Leif, the body whisperer, and in one way he has been so very different the 4 out of the 5 past trainers I have had.  He has kept his word.  I asked him how he would be different (not in those specific words) than all the others and why his programming would work when 5 other plans did not.  He said because every week he will listen to my body and change things.  He has.  SO far I have not been on the same nutritional or fitness plan more than 2 weeks in a row.  This alone may be the key to keeping my body going.

I wanted to write what I am about to write to serve as a reminder to me as well.¬† You all know how crazy the scale makes me.¬† And if Leif were local as opposed to in Minnesota, I would NEVER look at the scale this much, but he NEEDS my results to tailor my programming, so on I step each week.¬† I have begun to notice a pattern with my body.¬† In 7 weeks I have lost 26 lbs.¬† That is an average of just under 4 lbs a week…but it has not come off so smoothly.¬† Those were hard-fought pounds and some weeks were gains, some were very minimal losses and some were HUGE losses (last week almost 10 lbs in one week)¬† So, having had a huge loss last week, if my body sticks to its pattern it MAY hold steady this week, and I THINK I am ok with that.¬† I am mentally prepared for that.¬† I know it doesn’t mean the program isn’t working, it is just the pattern my body seems to do and since Leif pulls it out of that holding pattern really quickly (at least so far) in this moment I really feel ok with that…

But you all know me.

I am a woman, first and foremost, and my emotions can get crazy around this matter in my life and can turn on me in a moment…one minute I think I am prepared and can handle anything and next thing you know I am a weepy angry mess.

So with all this as my preface…this is what I am noticing this week.

As I did some makeshift Kettlebell swings at the gym last night(with dumbells), I looked in the mirror and saw that…

  • My face is getting thinner
  • My neck is getting thinner
  • My boobs now stick out farther than my belly
  • every so often my collarbone makes an appearance
  • my legs are looking thinner

And that is just the physical stuff.  I also noticed

  • I am gaining confidence in working out at the globo gym.¬† I no longer wander for a while trying to find a corner to hide in to work out.¬†
  • I feel more confident of this plan and its abilities to work in the long-term.¬† Hope continues to rise and if Leif continues to give me plans that work, soon I will be telling you all that you need to consult with him.
  • I LIKE ME.¬† I like what I see.¬† I saw a beautiful woman, getting stronger, getting thinner who is happy with herself and her efforts this week. ¬† I saw a woman who does NOT give up. I did NOT see just another fat chick in that mirror.

As  I creep back down closer to the 300 lb mark I get excited again.  Soon, I will be back at my low of 290.  290 is where I got myself to in my first 6 months of my journey.  Once I get there, I REALLY will be excited about the changes.  That will be where new ground will be taken.  Oh how I can hardly wait to get to that point  and I would LOVE it if I get there before I went to NYC in June to see Coach.  He has never seen me under 290 and I would love to show him something he has never seen before!

Is that possible Leif?¬† I go June 8-12th…