Brotherly Love

A Gift From My Brother

My brother and sister-in-law were out Christmas Shopping this year and Dema decided that I would love this ring she picked out.  Billy was less than enthusiastic about it.  He doesn’t often see me dress like a girl with makeup and jewelry.  Most often he sees me dressed in gym clothes or logo wear for work or I am coming over and plan on wrestling with the kids, so I don’t dress up.

Apparently, after complying with his very smart wife, who knows a girly girl lives in me, they were laying in bed one night and he mentioned to his wife how proud he was of me.  He doesn’t tell me these things though, at least not very often .  He told her what he would love to give me as a gift and a reward for my hard work.

So this is my gift and my incentive to work hard this next year. If I just keep working, I get 50 bucks.  If I meet goal, I get 200 bucks.   This isn’t even about the money though for me.  The greatest gift is hearing words I don’t often hear from the brother I admire alot.

I love this gift because it is clearly from my brother.  He wrote the note, he sealed the card.  Dema never even saw what was written until I opened it.

That is worth working for.

Weigh In, Employment, And Brothers

For the last year and a half, I have been unemployed.  I have had a ton of time to look at my life and my issues and to focus solely on those things as I worked to lose weight.  That time is coming to an end.  I got the call yesterday morning that the job I have been interviewing for and hoping for (trying not to) is mine!

I start on Monday and I have no idea what my employment package includes.  All I cared about during the  call was that I got the job, a job, any job.  I have had a year and a half of “vacation” time, so when she said those details, I didn’t care.  I also don’t recall when I am eligible for benefits of any kind.  I am sure there are some, I just don’t know what or when.

Good thing they are sending it all to me in writing.

After accepting the job and immediately calling a whole bunch of people to tell them the news I began to think about how things are going to need to change.  This life of running whenever I FEEL like it are over.  Running/exercise will happen whenever it NEEDS to happen.  It will have to be scheduled and completed as scheduled.  And as fall closes in, it means outside of weekends, my beautiful trail runs are likely over because it will be too dark by the time I get home from work!  The track, the treadmill or the pavement will become my new places to run.  It is good I work best under pressure, perhaps this will be a good thing for my workouts!

Then I began to think, what am I going to wear?  Ironically, it is one of the first things Aaron asked me too for now and for on going as I continue to shrink!  The last time I had to wear business attire on a regular basis I was 65 lbs heavier.  I think I might have at least 2 pair of dress slacks from another time of losing weight that may fit, but I think all my blazers/suits are too big as are most of my blouses.  Sorting is happening this weekend then I will have to take all the far to big stuff somewhere to be altered (CAROLLYN!!!!  HELP!!)

In the meantime, my brother Ken wanted to go  out last night to celebrate!  We went out for drinks and when I arrived he tossed a bank envelope on the table and said that it was for me!  I was confused and looked.  Inside was a wad of cash!  I looked at him, puzzled.  He said I would need some new clothes that fit me if I am gonna work in a bank!  So incredibly generous and kind and thoughtful!  And since he is such an understated type person, he will likely kill me for bragging about him…but you don’t know me or him, not really, so I am gonna brag anyway!  I have the best brother!

What an end to what was looking to be a discouraging week!  On Tuesday, I was quite discouraged after my weigh in.  I lost 1 lb.  I know, it is a loss.  I should have been excited!  But I wasn’t.  I knew I had done amazingly well all week with both food and exercise.  When I looked in the mirror, I could suddenly see the beginnings of dimples in my cheeks and so I FELT like I had lost a significant amount.  Until I weighed in I felt great about my progress and what the scale would reveal.  So I was disappointed to say the least.  I recognize the irrationality (is that a word) of this.  It is certainly not a healthy way to think and not a path I want to wonder down for very long.

I have been considering giving up the scale for 1 month and weighing in then and see what that does to how I relate to the scale.  I have preached enough that the scale is just objective feedback on the work done during the week.  It is not the only way to measure whole health.  I mean, it was so evident to me when I was feeling great and then my whole mood shifted after my date with the scale.  I don’t want the scale to define me or my attitude.  At the same time, I know that if I don’t have feedback on a regular basis it will be difficult to pinpoint what I am doing wrong or right.  My decision on this is not made yet.  I am holding out on that decision for now as I have also realized that there are some hormones at work that should not be allowed to have a say in this.

It is a tough line to walk with the scale and that number. I know it is how I relate to it that makes the difference.  So I will decide next week after conferring with my people!  Stay tuned!

Until then, do all you can and let the number be what it is…

Thanks…I think, THANKS!!!!, and Thanks??

I am officially back in Detroit again and will remain here for a month…although no one seems to believe me on this…I do not understand why!:-)

Here are some funny/awkward/cool things that happened today.

AWKWARD SCENARIO-What Not to do if you are trying to compliment someone on losing weight!

I was standing in church today talking to a friend (ummm yeah Aaron, I didn’t head straight for the D after leaving you at IHOP, I managed to procrastinate a little longer…despite your attempts to keep me on track).  Ok so I was talking to a friend when suddenly there are a pair of arms around me giving me a hug from behind and then said arms are touching me on my sides…and a voice is saying…”Wow. it feels like there is less of you!”  I am completely confused as to who this is.  Perhaps because I am shocked about being groped in church because this person has a voice I would recognize anywhere.   My friend whom I am speaking to says. “Well there is less of her.”  Groping woman then comes to the front of me and stands incredibly close to me and begins asking all sorts of questions about what I am doing and going on about how she loves to follow me on Facebook and how great I am doing and how great I look!  Honestly, I don’t put much on FB except that I am swimming again, or running again or not wanting to do those things or some such thing about working out. My response to her with exception to answering her questions was simply, “Thank You.”

BEST FEEL GOOD CONVERSATION OF THE DAY

I had just come back from attempting to swim across the lake (that is another story for another blog entry…remind me) and was getting a drink when my favorite 9 yr old nephew came up to me and said.

“Auntie Kim, you are looking great.  I mean you are looking TINY.”

“OK Gavin, I agree, I am smaller, but tiny is not true yet, I am still big, just not as big as I was” (his parents are working on his tendency to exaggerate, I have NO IDEA where he would get that skill from! Ahem, cough, cough).

“Well, ok, Auntie, but you are much, much smaller.  I mean you don’t even look like the same person anymore.” (yeah he is great to keep around for a mood lift from time to time.) “So umm Auntie, it has to be at least 100 lbs that you lost since you started swimming right?”

“Umm no Gavin not yet.  It is about 65 right now”

“Wow Auntie that is so so so great!  Hey Joey, doesn’t my Auntie Kim look great?!  I mean check her out, she is awesome!”

“Umm Gavin, I don’t think Joey has ever seen me before, he wouldn’t know the difference between then and now.”

“Oh yeah I have, I have met you before and you DO look great!  You are doing awesome!”

“Hey Auntie, can we go on a date this week?” (YES!! I GOT A DATE>>>FINALLY!!  Of course I will have to pay and it is with a 9 yr old, but a date is a date….right???

CONVERSATION WITH COUSIN

“Wow Kim, you are looking great!”

“Thank You!” ( I think I need to get used to this being the opening line in any conversation with people who do or do not see me regularly and I think I should get an EASY button that I can push that say “Thank you!”

“No seriously, Kim I was looking around and saw Kenny talking to a girl who looked familiar but I didn’t quite recognize her and I thought…hmmm I wonder where Kim is, Aunt Jo Jo said she was coming!  Then I looked again adn realized, Kenny was talking to YOU!”

Further conversation then ensued about what I am doing and how and all that jazz….

You know…I get it.  I am smaller.  65 lbs is a lot to lose…but REALLY?  am I REALLY unrecognizable????  Not yet…at least I don’t think so….but soon my friends…soon!  Until then….I will just keep saying “Thank You!”

Self-Talk

Yesterday as I was thinking about my Saturday, I realized I had one time slot in which I could work out, which was the morning. However, I stayed out waaaayy too late and actually ended up not crawling into bed until 6:30 AM after taking my roommate to the airport then deciding to get my grocery shopping done. I crawled into bed and decided that 11 AM was my designated time slot to work out regardless of whether or not Mike called to say he was going or not, which would give me almost 5 hours of sleep.

11 AM came and I did NOT want to go. I did not want to even open my eyes. I thought, who can I get to go with me so that I would be motivated or at the very least, I wouldn’t let someone else down. Laurie-couldn’t, Mike-hadn’t called me back yet, assume he can’t go in the AM, Adam-won’t/can’t go in the mornings, Aaron-probably still sick, Virg-out of town….the list goes on.

As I pondered who might want to go to the gym, battling the horrible roads…and who would be up for going RIGHT NOW, this thought came to me. “How come it is ok to let myself down and break a commitment to myself, but not to others?” How come I am not getting my but out of bed with urgency and focus simply because I said to myself last night that I was going to the gym today? Why do I need a commitment to someone else to propel my ass out of bed to go to the gym?

Then I pondered going and doing just enough to say I went. Well after my previous thoughts, half assing it just wasn’t going to work for me. Either I was going and going all in, ready to burn some calories…or I wasn’t going to go. Simple as that. I had a choice to make. Am I important enough to myself to keep commitments to myself about the things I want regardless of if anyone else is involved or not? Who knew that a decision to go to the gym or not on a really cold snowy morning with little sleep would turn into such a huge deal!! (and all of these thoughts happened in the first 30 minutes of my first attempt to open my eyes…this is kind of like a miracle…ask my brother!)

I went.

Soooo Victorious! Perhaps I am getting one decision closer to a wholly healthy ME! Now THAT my friends is Beautiful!!

Unfounded Fears

It has been an interesting and challenging week and a half since my last 1lb gain. From the day that I found I gained 1 lb through that first Sat, I lost 3 lbs by very carefully counting my calories, discovering that I don’t eat ENOUGH, and meticulously logging my time at the gym. I was ecstatic as I was on track for a 4-5 lb loss for the week, which would have been amazing!

On Sunday, I found out that I really needed to go home for a few days to help with my nieces and nephews while their mom and dad spent much time at the hospital with their oldest, Gavin. I was gone from Sunday night until Thursday afternoon, staying with 5 young children, and pretty much becoming a single mom overnight! It was a lot of work and after having a week of feeling really good about my eating and exercising, I had no idea how I was going to keep it up while at home. I felt very out of control of my environment, my time, the food that was available to me (their church was bringing in meals), or my ability to exercise. My drive home was full of anxiety as I worried about Gavin and worried about how I was going to choose to be successful in this and not resigned to failure.

On Monday after my first full day with the kids. This is what my schedule looked like.
6 AM Wake up to some child needing to “go potty” or wanting to be fed.
6:30 AM all the kids are awake by now and demanding to be fed, changed, dressed, or something
7:30 they want a snack

Pretty much the whole day was spent, preparing food for meals or snacks, cleaning up from meals or snacks, or trying to figure out the caloric count in foods that are brought in for us that I have no idea what is in them…Since I had little idea, I went for eating small amounts of things or eating fruit (which doesn’t stay with you long-therefore feeling like I had been eating all day! Then on top of that feeling like, how in the world do you fit in exercise when you have 5 kids hanging on you all day and no stroller to fit them all.

SO here is what I did. I took control. I called my brother Ken and asked him to come sit with the kids for a bit so I could go out for a walk/run. Thankfully, he has been reading my blog (Yes Ken, I know you came back 🙂 I have a handy tracker 🙂 and therefore he knows what I have been up to and he came to my rescue. Thank You Kenny! So, I was able to go for a mile walk/run and it felt good. Not that I like exercise yet, but it felt good to feel like I had some control over my circumstances and that despite what looked like might turn out to be a bad ending to a great week, I was able to end it well.

On Tuesday, I went and found a scale to weigh in on. I do NOT recommend weighing in on a scale different than the one you have been on. I got on and it said I had gained 13 lbs since Saturday! Now in reality, I may have eaten a few extra calories on Monday, and may not have burned as many calories as I have been burning at the gym during my run walk, however in order to have gained 13 lbs I would have had to consume 45, 500 calories in a day and a half and not burned anything! I laughed at this scale, walked out and said…until I get back home I am considering my Saturday weight to be my weight for today!

Thursday and Friday was crazy busy and so today I went back to the gym, and weighed myself…I am on track. But since today is not my normal weigh in day, you will have to wait until Tues to find out where I am.

I didn’t get to work out after that first workout on Monday, but it is not like I was sitting around either. 5 Kids under the age of 4 is a LOT of work and you move a lot taking care of just there actual physical needs. I must have gone up and down the stairs at least 30 times each day. Then there is all the toe touches as I picked up toys from the floor each day! Then there is carrying the 25 lbs of 1 yr old around each day! And that is just the work of it. That does not include all the playing, wrestling, and dancing with the princes and princesses at the balls we had!

All in all there were lots of victories this week. The biggest being that my fear that being home means inevitable failure or back tracking or gains or whatever you want to call it, does not have to be true! I decide. I am in control. I can win this war!

Now for a cute kid story since I spent the week with them. All of the kids love to play dress up. Their favorite is to be prince and princesses with the beautiful gowns and whatever clothes Garrett determines are the best for a prince to wear! While in costume, they are really in character. And of course all fairy tales that involve princes and princesses also include an evil witch. That role always falls to whatever adult is around. AKA Me. Emma, the 2 yr old princess wanted an orange peeled. After asking nicely to have one and I began peeling it for her, she looks at me and say “Do it _itch, Do it” Ummm “Excuse Me?” The princess says, “I saaiiiiddd, Do it _itch, Do it!!” Yeah she was calling me WITCH! She was still in character! It did NOT sound like WITCH!! Gotta love these kids!