Tag Archive | failure

Get Behind Me!

Nothing and I mean Nothing pisses me off more than getting hosed…or rather…allowing myself to be hosed by that no good, two timing, lying, scheming, devil!

Yesterday, I was rather proud of myself.  I passed on Costco Double chocolate muffins and then did not succumb to the wonderful aromas of KFC wafting over me as I left work and I passed on whatever fried goodness my mom was making when I came home last night.  Good day as far as eating goes or rather not eating 🙂

Today, was a rough day at work.  Without going into to many details, my supervisor essentially threatened me with my job because my year to date sales are at 94% which does not meet expectations.  Mind you 95% does, and I have a month left to make up a 1% difference.  Regardless, I was pissed off.  Angry.  Fuming.

Yes.  I know.  I am not meeting expectations.  I got my part in this situation, but really it was her way of going about it that really got to me.

Anyway, I headed off to lunch with a plan of Moroccan Chickpea Chili and a run to the grocery store so I wouldn’t have to do that after work.  Well, I ended up venting to a girl who was on lunch with me and understands my frustrations (she is leaving the company because of similar stuff) and I was too ticked to eat my chili.  Mind you, the bosses brought in Mac n cheese and lasagna from Buddy’s pizza, which I managed to pass on.  Ok, I had a bite of each.   With about 10 minutes left to spare in my lunch hour, I had eaten 3 bites of chili, 1 of mac n cheese and 1 of lasagna.  I saw donuts on the counter from that member who loves us and I got up and grabbed one.  It was half gone before “that girl” noticed what I was doing and demanded I put it down.

Whatever, she ain’t my food police!

She took a picture and blackmailed me.  Either I could give up Demond’s number or the photo goes on FB for ALL my friends to see!  I chose Demond. And I chose to finish the donut regardless.

Is A donut on occasion that big a deal?  No, it’s not.  Not in the grand scheme of things, not in the big picture. What disappoints me most about today is that I let a situation get me all worked up and I lost perspective and went for comfort.   I got caught up in the situation and failed to recognize that just cuz my battle was won yesterday, doesn’t mean the slimy one is gonna give up!  But really, aren’t there more powerful people out there that he could be going after?  I mean really, I just wanna eat healthy, lose some weight and live life.  It’s not like I am some preacher or anything bringing 1000’s of souls to the Kingdom or anything like that!

Anyway, I am disappointed in how I handled things today.  I have 100’s of more days to battle so I am not gonna beat myself up to bad, but I am as always gonna take stock of what happened and why and hopefully I won’t be caught like this again.

But really that slimy one needs to just get behind me….

 

On a workout note,  I didn’t workout tonight.  I had to grocery shop then prepare a meal item for my house church group tomorrow night.  Didn’t get done with all that until 8:30…so I decided to bag it and work at being in bed on time.  15 minutes late as of right now…but I am in bed and ready to shut down the lights in a minute.

Unintentionally Double Teamed

Aaron posted this quote on FB today.  It got to me, as I was in the midst of trying to write (at least in my head at this point) my perfect 2010 plan.

“Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection” ~ Mark Twain

He continued with this thought on it.

How often I choose to not move because I can’t do something perfectly…choosing to continue going again and again and failing magnificently along the way. -Aaron

Like I said, it got me.  It reflects where I have been this past month.

Our friend Scottie(yep, another good one!) later commented  with this.

I so relate, just read this convicting quote from the book Art and Fear….
“To require perfection is to invite paralysis. The pattern is predictable: as you see error in what you have done, you steer your work toward what you imagine you can do perfectly. You cling ever more tightly to what you already know you can do – away from risk and exploration, and possibly further from the work of your heart. You find reasons to procrastinate, since to not work is to not make mistakes.”

And there lies the magnificent double teamwork of Scottie and Aaron.   My plan is not perfect.  I will NEVER be able to execute it perfectly.  However, if I don’t even try then I might as well die.  For real.  Because what is the sense in living curled up in a fetal position afraid to move?  I want to live more than I don’t want to fail.  So, fail I will.  All the way to success.  Just. Like. Thomas Edison.

Stay tuned.  The plan is coming.  sheesh, with all this build up to the plan, I better make sure it is perf…..

Failing…Not So Magnificently

Wow!  Adjusting to working is taking longer than I thought.  Every process I do each day takes so much thought as I think through what I am doing.  I cannot wait until some of this stuff becomes second nature to me because, man, by the time I get home at night I am exhausted and falling asleep at 8.  I force myself to stay up till at least 10.  Sometimes I get a 2nd wind that keeps me up far later than I should be, but I certainly don’t want to be the old lady who goes to sleep before the kids do!!!  I am only 33 and without children!!

As a result, I come home with full intentions of cooking a nice healthy meal after going for a run or ride before it gets dark.  Unfortunately, despite being one-armed due to surgery, my mom has been cooking every night.  I get home and a hot meal smells so good and I have no mental energy to fight the deliciousness coming from the kitchen that is mom’s unhealthy cooking or to cook something different for myself.

So, I haven’t been tracking, I haven’t been cooking, and I haven’t been exercising.  I have failed on all fronts and in a not so magnificent way. I have eaten McDonald’s and KFC on a couple of occasions.  I hate that!  I was doing soo good at resisting those things!

I also think the not weighing in for a whole month is working against me.  Every time I eat something without counting it…basically everything since I said I was waiting to weigh in…I think, “it is ok, I have the whole month!”  Well guess what!  It is almost the end of the month and I have had more bad days than good.  I know my reasons for attempting this was to alleviate the wonkiness I had about the number, but I think this is worse.  I will take the head wonkiness about a number over this procrastinating, self indulging, “I can do what I want” bull shit I have been telling myself any day.  I am weighing in on Tuesday.  I am certain I won’t like the number, I certainly do NOT want to report this number to Coach and Aaron, but what can I do but own it and move on, right!?  It isn’t like they or anyone else is gonna love me any less for it.  Sure they might be disappointed…but so will I.  On some level though, I feel like I have let them down…and you all who faithfully read and have been encouraged by my journey.  Those two guys of mine have invested a lot of themselves into my journey.  They have both spent countless hours encouraging me, listening to my whining, and building me up.  Adam should be included in that group as well for that matter!  So I hate that feeling.  But even more than that I hate that I have let myself down.  This feeling really sucks.

So, I have done some research.  My local Running Fit store offers a free running group on Monday nights.  I will be there starting next week. (Tomorrow night I am Mt. Biking with a guy from work and his friend Bob!)  The store also offers a running class on Wednesday nights.  I will be starting that  this week.  I am hoping this will help prepare me for my 10K on Thanksgiving, especially with my speed.  That is 2 nights a week, that I will be committed to others to run with them and one I will be paying for!  SO despite everything else, all I need to do is get my but moving 3 other days each week, at least. I can do this.  I know I can.  I gave myself time to adjust to the work schedule.  I am done giving it time.  3 weeks is enough.  I am now taking control again.  No more excuses.