Tag Archive | shame

Courage In The Shame

Right in the midst of last months angst of living in the tension of what is vs what is to come and the dueling excitement and devastation of what all that means, it was time to take my monthly pictures.

I have a friend who is a photographer and a woman I trust, who has agreed to take pictures of me once a month in a semi dressed state so I can look back and see progress when the scale is not being kind to me or when my brain simply has not caught up with reality.

These pictures are ones of me in a sports bra and bathing suit bottoms and also with a tank top on(for possible future publication somehow/somewhere)

Needless to say, with all that was true for me during this time,  as the time grew closer to get these pictures taken I was trembling.  I was so ashamed of my body and all I have done to it over the years such that even my current efforts, while good and healthy for my life, will likely never yield a very pretty body in its naked form.  I was ashamed of how I have used food to cope with life.  I was ashamed of the lack of discipline that brought me to this place.  I was ashamed of not having taken advantage of all of the opportunities to lose weight before.  I was ashamed that my body doesn’t respond as quickly as others do.  I was ashamed that I needed help, that I couldn’t do it on my own. I was ashamed that I let my abuse control me for so long.  You name it, I was ashamed of it.

Amy, my photographer and friend, is amazing.  I think she could tell something was up for me and as I stood before her, naked(literally, well almost) and ashamed and telling her some of my fears, she began to speak truth over me, about who I am.  Her words began to counteract the lies I had begun to believe again.  She helped me to grasp onto a wee bit of courage so I could take these pictures that one day I may be grateful for.

This journey is hard friends.  Overwhelmingly so, at times and in ways I never thought or imagined.  This day was a day of great shame…and it was about standing up, opening my eyes, and staring down shame as I looked straight into a camera lens that would forever capture an image of my body as it is today.

This journey cannot be done alone.  This day it was a day of  having a friend stand with me as Courage rose up to defeat the shame.

I was looking for images that display courage and this one hit home for me.  The little one is the small voice of Courage standing up to the Giant of Shame.

Pardon the language, but it fits!

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Truth And Lies

I haven’t been blogging much and typically that could be a sign of struggle for me since I tend to write everything out here.  Part of the lack of blogging comes from adjusting to 4 AM life.  By the time I get home from work and errands, re-pack my gym bag, eat dinner, re-pack my food for the next day, do laundry or whatever else I have to do, it is 9 PM and I am so exhausted, I can barely put a coherent thought together.

And part of it comes from struggling.  It has been a rough few weeks here in Michigan.  When I wrote “Somedays”, I was certain that I would be over how I was feeling in exactly 2.5 days, but unfortunately, that is not the case.  The struggle is on all fronts, emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental and stems I think first and foremost from believing the lies and not fully receiving or believing Truth, with a capital T.

There is so much swirling in my head that I have been wanting to write but I am not sure how to even put it all together, so I suppose I will start with one area at a time and just be honest.  If you are choosing to read this, you may want to grab a glass of water and a healthy snack….this could get long.

Physically

Physically I am tired.  I haven’t been sleeping well and it seems the crazy sleeplessness from the “crazy Kate” days had returned to some degree.  So, many nights I couldn’t fall asleep or couldn’t stay asleep and was still getting up at 4 AM for workouts at least 3 days a week.  Almost 2 weeks ago, Kelly took new measurements and I have been quite anxious to see them.  I know this is part of the anxiety.  I have been certain that nothing is changing and that I will be stuck at 300+ lbs for the rest of my life.  I began to listen to the lies that I should just give up, nothing I do seems to work anyway.

Being so physically exhausted was not helpful in processing and handling the emotional meltdown that was happening.  I think I have cried every day during the last 2 weeks or so.  I have been angry and frustrated with Kelly(another blog post coming on this), I have been missing my friends like crazy-desperately hanging on until Oct 9th when I will see them again, and while Coach and Aaron have been fantastic at listening and responding to my long, whiny and despair filled emails, I have believed a lie that I am alone in this.  The emotions have been raging and to quiet them, I have thought much about going on a bender and simply downing the 2 bottles of yummy wine I have.  I think just about the only thing stopping me is the memory of what I put my friends through the last time I did that, a year ago, and I swear I will never do that to them again.   Instead, I have found myself searching for valid reasons to have a drink or two or….and fortunately, I have found none.  So despite, my desire to numb out and still the raging emotions within me, I continue to be very much present with them.

Mentally

Mentally, I am just wanting to be done with counting calories and tracking calories burned and doing the math to figure out how much more I have to eat.  I am tired of meal planning every calorie and being anxious when I go off plan or miss a workout or whatever the case may be.  My thoughts about all this stuff swirl in my head constantly and frankly not only am I tired of it, I am bored with it.  I need a new hobby.  Something new to think about and spend time on so that my every waking and sleeping thought is not food or exercise.  But then I think if I lose focus I will really F&*! this plan of mine up!

Yes, I am a serious control freak feeling VERY out of control in all of this.  I hear stories all the time of people who started working out and changed their diet a little bit, but not much and have lost massive amounts of weight.  I know I am not them and I know my body is not theirs.  BUt seriously, I know God made our bodies all unique, but I am done with being unique…in this area anyway.  A+B=C, right?  There seems to always be exceptions to mathematical rules, and I am one of them!

Spiritually

Spiritually, I am starving.  I moved here over a year ago and have not had any inclination to settle into a church.  The ones I have gone to have not felt like home, aka Grand Rapids.  And frankly, I kinda don’t want to establish life and relationships here, when all I want is to be back there.  So, in all honesty, I haven’t looked that hard.  But I didn’t know how bad of shape I was in until last week.

Last week I was in a particularly dark place and I felt a soft whisper that said I should go to a church I was a part of almost 10 years ago.  I did NOT want to go here.  I knew they would love me.  They would want me back.  I knew what community and relationships mean to this church and while I crave that and want that, this church is 45 minutes from my house.  I didn’t want to get involved in it when I knew it would be so far from me anyway.  I have often thought of going there, if for nothing else than a visit, but this time was different.  There was an urgency to the whisper to go.  I knew I needed to go somewhere, where I could simply BE in whatever mess of a state I was in without pressure to introduce myself or anything else.  I had to go there.  I knew it.  But I didn’t want to.

I went.   I was somewhat shocked to feel like I was back home again.  I started crying when I walked in and cried long after as I realized what was missing for me in all of this.  My trust and hope in God.  it always amazes me when I realize that God is missing, or rather my focus on Him is missing, that that is not the first place I look when things start going awry.  It also amazes me how clear it is once I see it that I wonder how I could have missed something so blatantly obvious!

The Pastor and old friend of mine Jim, could tell that I was having a rough time.  I couldn’t even talk to be able to tell him what brought me back.  Instead, he asked where I was living.  When I told him, he said a house church was starting in my area and would that be helpful.  YES!!

I will be back.

Emotionally

I am spent.  And I am aware enough to be concerned.  I was afraid I was sinking into serious depression and if I didn’t come out quick I wondered if I ever would.  This journey has been taking its toll on me and I knew enough to know I didn’t want it to take me out completely.

So I did 2 things.  1.  I called my old counselor for an appointment (phone) so I could get some unbiased perspective.  2.  I declared last weekend to be a break weekend.  For 2 days I would not count calories, burned or consumed.  I would trust myself to eat when hungry and to not go crazy.  If I worked out or did any physical exercise it would be because I simply wanted to and would be for pure pleasure.  I told my core people, who of course jumped all over me to make sure this was not a free for all!

Ironically, I was not asking their permission.  I knew what I needed and I took it.  It was either this, or quit.  So I explained what my break would look like and declared it to have begun.   That night, I slept like a rock.  No tossing and turning, no waking in the night unable to sleep.  It was wonderful!

**sidenote-I have been writing this post for over a week.  It has taken some time to get my thoughts coherent and while I think they are now, they still might not be.

So currently, I am doing much better.  Things are not perfect, I am still living in a lot of disappointment, but I am also sleeping better again.  Sleep makes everything else so much easier to deal with.  When I am rested physically and spiritually back to a place of resting in God, I think I can handle just about anything…

remind me I said this next time I spiral…ok.


You Want Me To Answer That? Out Loud??

In November 2004 I participated in a character development/leadership workshop called Discovery. This happens to be the same time/place that I met the infamous Coach and Aaron.  Coach was a leader in the training, in fact, he became my small group leader whenever we broke out into small groups.  Aaron, was a participant like myself.

The organization that developed this workshop uses an experiential learning style to reveal beliefs we have about life that we may not be fully aware of and how those beliefs are impacting our lives.   I had been involved with this organization for about 4 years in other trainings they do when I decided to participate in Discovery.  I knew what I was getting into and I knew and LOVED the trainer who was coming for this, Lawrence.  I knew I would be challenged.  I also knew how easy it would be for me to hide out, if I chose to, because I knew how the training worked to some extent.  I decided before I went though that I would participate 100%, no matter what.  I was paying 300 dollars to do this after all.

On the first day, I was told to choose a small group and ended up with Coach as my leader.  As I think back, I realize I chose him as a leader because he was my age and single and attractive.  If I had any idea what was to come, I am not sure I would have made this choice.

At some point in the workshop, Lawrence started talking about conflicting intentions.  This is where you have one stated goal but something else, a hidden agenda, is also at work.  For me, this was wanting to lose weight for a long time but never succeeding.  Never getting further than 60 lbs lost.   As Lawrence explored this with me, lots of things were revealed for me.  This was the first time I ever realized and acknowledged the role that sexual abuse had played in my weight gain and in my inability to lose as well.  The intention that went against my intention to lose weight was the one to self-protect.   This was a very powerful conversation for me to have, although, I never really dealt with the truth I acknowledged here until several years later.

During this conversation about conflicting intentions, Lawrence, who has known for a while of my weight struggle asked me in front of everyone what my goal weight was.

Not so difficult a question to answer, right?  Right.  I answered that one easy enough.

130 lbs.(please know that 130 is quite arbitrary.  I have no idea what 130 lbs will look like on me and I may stop at 150!)

Lawrence turned and wrote that number on the easel.

After a few more minutes of conversation, Lawrence asked me “Kim, how much do you have to lose to reach your goal weight?”

At this point, all I could think was, if I answered this question, everyone in this room (about 50 people) would know my exact weight.  It wouldn’t be difficult to figure out.  It is simple addition. I couldn’t believe Lawrence could ask me such a thing.  How could he?  Doesn’t he know how much these questions hurt?  He can’t really expect me to answer this question out loud, could he?

So I asked.  You want me to answer that out loud????

Yes, Yes I do he said.

At that time, I wasn’t even sure how much I weighed exactly, so whatever I said was a guesstimate.  I could low ball it if I wanted, but  I knew I couldn’t do that.  I remember feeling so ashamed.  I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.  But I came here for something.  I wanted something different from what I have always had.  And I couldn’t lie.  Not to Lawrence.  Despite feeling like I was being betrayed by him and feeling like he was using what he already knew about me against me, the truth is, I knew he loved me, and whatever agenda he had, it was not to hurt me.

So in the tiniest of voices and with the microphone held as far from my face as possible, I said. 150 lbs.  He turned and wrote this number on the easel.

I couldn’t imagine what all these people thought.  All I knew is the shame that was flooding my body as he wrote that number down.  Who lets themselves get this way?  I must be so undisciplined.  Something must be wrong with me.

Lawrence was not done loving me yet though.  After a few more minutes of conversation, he had one final question for me.  For this one, he stepped close to me and looked me right in the eyes and in the kindest, least judgmental voice he asked, “Kim, how much do you weigh now?”

I sobbed.

I didn’t want to answer.  The answer was already on the easel.  Why must I say this out loud?

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, in an even tinier voice than before I whispered…300 lbs.

He wrote it down again, just in case there were some people who didn’t already get it and then we took a break.

When we came back I felt a lightness I had never felt before.   This is what I learned outside of the conflicting intentions piece.  Secrets breed shame.  Shame becomes a prison in which one cannot move or breath or begin to see your way out of.  The only way out is to own the truth, fully.  No matter how ugly it seems.  And to speak the truth out loud.  I think this must be why the practice of confession is so powerful.  It is not so much to bring on shame, but to bring freedom from the shame that already is.

Later, I spoke to Lawrence, who with tears in his eyes, he told me this.

“Kim, I did not want to ask you those questions.  I knew you would be hurt.  But I also knew, that if I didn’t, I would be doing you a disservice and I wouldn’t be loving you at all, and Girl…I love you!”

Thank You Lawrence for loving me…you impacted my life more than you will ever be able to know.

That, my friends, was a huge turning point for me in my journey towards weight loss and healing.  While painful, I treasure that memory so much and will be forever grateful to Lawrence for the stand he took for me, for my life…beyond the present moment.  It was a point that I can say was the beginning of my journey.  I can say for sure that God was present and moving me towards looking at the issues that brought me to my weight in the first place.  Issues, I continued to avoid for a few more years and finally confronted.

Me and Lawrence at his place in 2008, he is not as mean as he looks. In fact, he is one of the kindest men I know!

He is also one of the silliest men I know, and I had too much wine that night!

As I re-read this draft I have had written for a while, I am struck by a few things.  1.  I was probably well over 300 lbs at that time.  2.  It is 2010, and I am still hanging out at 300+ lbs. 3.  Knowing this, I do not want to publish this post.  It is getting difficult to be proud of the 60 lbs I have lost, when I can look back and see that 60 lbs is no different from previous times and it was a year and a half ago that I lost them.

So since shame begets more shame…a posting I will go…

Entitlement

Have you ever worked out really hard, burned lots of calories, felt incredibly good at all you have accomplished then destroy the hard work by going and eating something that you know is awful for you, because you feel you deserve it?  Are entitled to it?

I am noticing that as a thought pattern/eating pattern for me.  It doesn’t happen all the time, but on occasion it does and it has cropped up in the last couple of weeks.   On several occasions in the last month, I have left a really intense workout with G.I Jess and was heading home to make dinner but was already super hungry and was already pretty spent.  I didn’t like the thought of being so exhausted already and having to go home and cook a healthy meal as well as prepare everything for the next days meals at 9 PM.  SO instead, I would let myself off the hook from part of that by justifying a McDonald’s run or a yes folks, even a KFC run or 2.  I deserved it after all.  I have worked hard.  Harder than ever.  One meal won’t hurt.  But the scariest of all was…no one has to know.  In truth, even at this writing, I do not know that COach or Aaron know about this yet.

I also used a conversation I had with G.I Jess about my food log to justify this.  She had taken my log and read it and came back with some thoughts.  Probably the biggest thing was that I was not eating enough for what I am burning.  During the conversation she said she  would rather me eat something like KFC instead of being so short on calories all the time.  Now I know full well that she did NOT mean for  me to go out and actually get it.  Her point was to EAT MORE healthy food so that is not even an option or a necessity.  I twisted her intent in my head to help me justify this poor food choices.

The upside of all of this, is G.I Jess knows.  And has rewarded me well for it.  In fact, I told her last Monday as we were starting a 30 minute session that was SUPPOSED to be followed my an hour of biking for me while she taught her Boot Camp Class.   After I told her, she just told me that it was ok.  I am human after all.  There will be consequences however and to leave my bike in the car and to stay for Boot Camp.

Ummm no, I need to bike.

Oh you will, she says, but after Boot Camp.

You see, I had skipped my previous Friday morning swim because I slept thru my alarms then skipped my bike ride at night.  So she knew this and had already been thinking about having me stay for Boot Camp to make up for Friday.  Having told her this, just solidified her thoughts.

She proceeded to tell me how she planned her BC class around me and it was going to only be a half hour instead of an hour today.  Surely I can do a half hour, right?

Folks, when your trainer reduces a normally hour-long class to a half hour…be afraid. VERY VERY AFRAID!

We literally ran stairs for half an hour.  This was my reward for skipping workout and making poor choices.

When we were done, she told “NOW go get your bike.  I expect a report of how your ride goes and it must be at least 30 minutes and I want to know how many calories you burned.”

Seriously?  I don’t know that my legs will pedal.  I am just gonna go home.

Nope you are not, she says.  Go get your bike.  You have a scheduled bike ride to complete tonight.

Crap! (I rode)

So now.  I no longer feel entitled.  But during all this I had to ask myself this question.

How come I so quick to believe that I am entitled to eat crap?

How come I am slow to believe that I am ENTITLED to being healthy and fit?  A gorgeous size 10 or dare I say a size 6?

Am I not more entitled to the 2nd question than the first?  I mean, if God did not create me to be unhealthy and fat…why am I so quick to believe I am more entitled to that than the other (that I actually AM entitled to, by means of my Creator!)

Note:  The more tired I am, the harder this feeling of entitlement is to resist.  GRRRRRRRR

S.A.L.T.S

Immediately after finishing Nashville half-marathon I headed into a week-long conference called Survivors of Abuse Leadership Training Seminar.  This is a training seminar so I could potentially lead groups like the Retelling Group I participated in, in the fall of 2008.  This is the group/training that really helped me so much in actually dealing with my sexual abuse.

Until Nashville was over, I couldn’t really focus on this.  I knew what I was heading to, but I didn’t spend much time thinking about it.  This would be all 12 weeks of my retelling group crammed into 5 days combined with a training element. It would be intense.  I figured it would be emotional.   I figured it would be tough.

I had no idea.

When I did Retelling, also called Grace Group, the first time.  It was rough.  I often wanted to puke as I headed to group and even after as I looked at and talked about in great detail, my abuse and all of the aftermath of it and how I dealt with it.   So heading into this, I was expecting more of the same…x 5000.

I underestimated how tough this week would be actually.  I thought I knew what the subject matter would be.  I have come to be far more comfortable talking about this subject.  However, I was completely unprepared for the direction God would take me during this week.

On breaks I found myself escaping back to my room, chatting with Coach trying to process some of this stuff.  I was a hot mess, barely holding it together and finding myself full of questions without any clear answers.  And wouldn’t you know, that on the most painfully emotional and longest day ever, they served fried chicken for dinner, with baked as an alternate…but still…in the midst of some serious crap, I had to make some choices about food.  It wasn’t like I was being painfully conscious of my food intake that week other than to make sure that I didn’t go into crazy eating or NOT eating.  But fried chicken…well shoot…that is my ultimate comfort food as you all know.

I passed on this.  I took the baked chicken. 🙂

I wish I had words to best explain what this week was for me, except I am still not sure.   The week after, I refused to think about it much at all.  I was exhausted.  Physically and emotionally and I needed a break.  So that brought me to last week.  Where all heck broke loose within me.  I was wild and angry it seemed all the time. Stuff that had gotten stirred up at SALTS was back in my head and I couldn’t ignore it and yet I still didn’t and don’t know what to do with it all…except experience it all.   Because if I have learned nothing else over the last year and a half, it is this.  Stuffing it in any form does not work.

Here is some of what I learned from my week.

1.  I am not done with this story in my life and may not ever be…and that is ok.  Unraveling it is like peeling an onion.  One layer at a time and the onion is much bigger than I thought.

2.  I realized that I still very easily dismiss and disbelieve people when they compliment me, particularly new people.  I thought I had gotten better at this, since I know I don’t so easily dismiss compliments from people who know me well…but apparently not, at least not all the time.  This isn’t to say I NEVER believe a compliment, but I am quick to dismiss and disbelieve new ones.

3.  The longings of my heart are coming unburied and it is hard to acknowledge them and the fear that they will never come true.   I wrote a lament to God during this week filled with all sorts of questions I had for Him and expressing my longings to Him.  One thing I noticed during this week is sometime over the last months I hadn’t fully noticed that I felt like I was alone in life again.  If you have been reading for a while, you know that for almost a year straight I could almost feel the tangible presence of God walking with me.  During this week, I noticed that presence seemed to be gone again and I wasn’t exactly sure when it went away and therefore couldn’t fix it.  But when I wrote that lament, expressing myself fully and honestly to God telling Him I needed to hear from Him…suddenly my mind was filled with words that were not merely my thoughts and my pen began writing furiously in the dark of night as I sat on the shores of Lake Michigan.  God answered me…and I was not alone.  It was precious. I am grateful to know that no matter what it feels like I am not alone…ever!

4,  I met some pretty amazing people, each with stories of their own that have had them entrapped in their own ways.  AS we all entered into each others stories, hearing them and asking for the details that no one ever wants to say out loud, we learned together, that shame only has power when it is held in silence.  When we are released from that shame by speaking the shameful things out loud and we hear from others the TRUTH and not the lies, freedom comes racing in and we become free to live who we are called to be…and we are then free to enter someone else’s story in much the same way to bring them to greater freedom and healing.  Jason-stepped into a confidence that un-nerved me.  If I wasn’t careful, he might have been able to see into my soul, so I avoided him for a bit and dismissed him a lot, until I realized how I was hurting him.  But he was great!  He pursued me until I was able to look him in the eye…and you know what I discovered after 5 days?  He has blue eyes! HA!  Jeff brought an insurmountable amount of courage as he faced his own story.  Watching him struggle gave others, ME, courage to keep pressing in.  Kathy brought a tender presence with her.  She was so prayerfully discerning and yet so vulnerable in her need to be heard as well.  It was amazing to watch how a quiet voice can still be heard. Shari brought a great longing to be loved for you she is and as she is…and she was…and is.  It was awesome to watch her literally transform from a tough girl to a happy-go-lucky girl!  Teresa brought a passion for others first and learned that she needed to come first.  That her story is valid and true and worthy of being heard…and now she is so much freer to go out and minister to others.  I am forever grateful that these beautiful people showed up and were in my group and were willing to go to very dark places in their own stories and to pursue me into mine.

I know this is a vague post.  I am being deliberate in this.  I want to be honest but also want to be wise in sharing all parts of this aspect of my story in such a public way.  I also want to encourage anyone who has a story of any kind of abuse in their life…physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, etc…that there is power and freedom that comes from telling your story in a safe place.

Visit Open Hearts Ministry and contact them to find out if there is a Grace Group in your area or see if you can’t attend the next SALTS training.  I truly believe that everyone’s story needs to be heard and shared in a way that can bring healing.

So where am I now in all of this?  I am sitting in it. AS I talked with Aaron about some of this, he said to me that if I am committed to redemption then forgiveness is necessary.  Honestly, this comment was a thorn in my side this past week…because it is true.   He pointed out later that as a person who is committed to redemption, I don’t get to pick and choose who that redemption is for.  Either I am living a redeemed life with redemption and forgiveness available for all…or I am not.  (Note: redemption/forgiveness does not mean no consequences)  So now I get to decide some things…to walk out redemption with a person in my life…or not.

Weigh In, Employment, And Brothers

For the last year and a half, I have been unemployed.  I have had a ton of time to look at my life and my issues and to focus solely on those things as I worked to lose weight.  That time is coming to an end.  I got the call yesterday morning that the job I have been interviewing for and hoping for (trying not to) is mine!

I start on Monday and I have no idea what my employment package includes.  All I cared about during the  call was that I got the job, a job, any job.  I have had a year and a half of “vacation” time, so when she said those details, I didn’t care.  I also don’t recall when I am eligible for benefits of any kind.  I am sure there are some, I just don’t know what or when.

Good thing they are sending it all to me in writing.

After accepting the job and immediately calling a whole bunch of people to tell them the news I began to think about how things are going to need to change.  This life of running whenever I FEEL like it are over.  Running/exercise will happen whenever it NEEDS to happen.  It will have to be scheduled and completed as scheduled.  And as fall closes in, it means outside of weekends, my beautiful trail runs are likely over because it will be too dark by the time I get home from work!  The track, the treadmill or the pavement will become my new places to run.  It is good I work best under pressure, perhaps this will be a good thing for my workouts!

Then I began to think, what am I going to wear?  Ironically, it is one of the first things Aaron asked me too for now and for on going as I continue to shrink!  The last time I had to wear business attire on a regular basis I was 65 lbs heavier.  I think I might have at least 2 pair of dress slacks from another time of losing weight that may fit, but I think all my blazers/suits are too big as are most of my blouses.  Sorting is happening this weekend then I will have to take all the far to big stuff somewhere to be altered (CAROLLYN!!!!  HELP!!)

In the meantime, my brother Ken wanted to go  out last night to celebrate!  We went out for drinks and when I arrived he tossed a bank envelope on the table and said that it was for me!  I was confused and looked.  Inside was a wad of cash!  I looked at him, puzzled.  He said I would need some new clothes that fit me if I am gonna work in a bank!  So incredibly generous and kind and thoughtful!  And since he is such an understated type person, he will likely kill me for bragging about him…but you don’t know me or him, not really, so I am gonna brag anyway!  I have the best brother!

What an end to what was looking to be a discouraging week!  On Tuesday, I was quite discouraged after my weigh in.  I lost 1 lb.  I know, it is a loss.  I should have been excited!  But I wasn’t.  I knew I had done amazingly well all week with both food and exercise.  When I looked in the mirror, I could suddenly see the beginnings of dimples in my cheeks and so I FELT like I had lost a significant amount.  Until I weighed in I felt great about my progress and what the scale would reveal.  So I was disappointed to say the least.  I recognize the irrationality (is that a word) of this.  It is certainly not a healthy way to think and not a path I want to wonder down for very long.

I have been considering giving up the scale for 1 month and weighing in then and see what that does to how I relate to the scale.  I have preached enough that the scale is just objective feedback on the work done during the week.  It is not the only way to measure whole health.  I mean, it was so evident to me when I was feeling great and then my whole mood shifted after my date with the scale.  I don’t want the scale to define me or my attitude.  At the same time, I know that if I don’t have feedback on a regular basis it will be difficult to pinpoint what I am doing wrong or right.  My decision on this is not made yet.  I am holding out on that decision for now as I have also realized that there are some hormones at work that should not be allowed to have a say in this.

It is a tough line to walk with the scale and that number. I know it is how I relate to it that makes the difference.  So I will decide next week after conferring with my people!  Stay tuned!

Until then, do all you can and let the number be what it is…

Some Of The 10,000

me head shotI have been in a weird place this past month.  Part of me is scared poop-less that this time is NOT different and yet I know that is just fear talking because I can SEE the signs that say it IS different.  The signs are not just theory or thoughts either, they are the real deal physical universe things, like Crazy Kate’s visit.  Or like wanting to run the complete opposite way of the direction I have been heading and yet not running.  I may not be moving, but I am not running either.   I am standing in the moment, feeling everything there is to feel and acknowledging its place in my life.

I have also found myself in a place of wanting to justify or rationalize Crazy Kate’s visit (which I hope you all picked up on the clues, that I do not have a twin, Kate is me!)  I have wanted to pull that blog post so many times since hitting “publish”.  I didn’t realize  until tonight when I received an email response from Aaron, that in asking him (for probably the 3rd time) what he thought of all of that situation, I was really expecting judgment.   He said this: If what is behind your question is wondering what judgment I may be placing on you because of that then rest assured that there is no judgment.  You are wading through serious stuff and as I’ve said before there are forces that do not want to see you wholly healthy and will use whatever dirty tricks possible to derail you.  This is a long road you are on.

It made me stop and think and realize that part of my fears in having this post out here in blogland is the possible judgments you all may have of me and what happened.  Judgments about my faith and where I stand on that.  Judgments about my ability or determination to lose this weight, but most of all, judgments about my sanity!  I know I am not crazy.  I know that there is a lot going on as I move forward on this journey.  And, having it all out here, is an incredibly vulnerable feeling.  But that is ok.  Vulnerability never killed anyone!

I have many fears as I continue to walk this out.

  • Crazy Kate, might come back from time to time- So be it.  She ain’t got nothing on me!
  • 64.8 lbs is all I will ever be able to lose, I will never break through to 65+ lbs-if that is the case, then I won’t gain back what I have lost, I will be proud of this journey and I won’t give up trying.
  • this journey is going to require more trust and faith than I think I have in me- likely true, but I know the Source of all Trust and Faith and I will just get more as needed.
  • this journey is going to lead me to greater risks than I have ever known.  That it will take me beyond myself.- While scary, this also sounds exciting.
  • That God is after the control I keep taking back from Him, and He means to have it and hold onto it.-  I have a death grip on this control thing, but ummm I don’t think I can win against God.  He seems to always get what He wants, no matter how long it takes.  He is kind of patient like that!

I also have many hopes for myself as I continue to walk this journey out

  • I am not alone-  God is always with me and when I need Jesus with skin on, He has provided me with some of the best of His creation to journey with me…and they don’t seem to be tired yet.
  • I feel! – There was once a time, not long ago that I would have been considered a leper.  When Jesus healed the lepers in the Bible, he gave them their ability to feel back.  When they could feel, they could look at and fix the area that needed fixing.  While painful and overwhelming at times, I am so incredibly thankful to feel.
  • this journey is not my own.- While this blog is certainly about me and my story, whichever one happens to be impacting me in the moment, there is a bigger picture being painted and I am not the artist!
  • WHEN I lose this weight, it will be forever, because I am taking the time to address what gets in the way now!  It might be a slower process than I had hoped for or would like, but I would rather it be this way, than to lose and gain it all back!
  • While my abuse seems to have had the most significant impact on my weight loss efforts and seems to be the thing I talk a lot about, THAT is not all of who I am.  There is so much more to me, and I look forward to discovering THAT girl as I continue this journey. (Thanks Aaron for pointing that out to me!)

Ultimately, I am me and you are reading because either you LIKE me or are simply fascinated by this life of mine or can somehow relate to my life.  For whatever reason, you are here because you choose to be here, so you get what you get…Crazy and all!

But for the record, I am NOT crazy…I just had a crazy week…and I will likely have more of them…so stick around if you want, I am glad to have you on the journey!