Tag Archive | vulnerable

Weary Again

Hi guys!  Yes I am still here.  I keep wanting to blog but I like to blog chronologically and I have all theses other posts that I want to write about but don’t seem to have time or motivation to write right now, so I have written nothing.  I am realizing that is so detrimental to me.  This blog is a lifeline for me in my processing of all of this stuff and so it is with a lot of intentionality(is that a word Coach?) that I write this post.  Maybe one day I will get back to those other posts and maybe not.  Regardless I will no let their pending status keep me from writing more.

SO I have been here.  Loving my workouts still.  Had a minor back injury that I got healed of (that I MUST write about soon)  It took me out for about a week but has been great ever since.   I have been struggling with the eating a bit with the holidays, but who doesn’t?  My body is doing what it does best with the numbers which is, it works and responds to the new program well for a couple of months then seems to stop changing or reversing.  SO Daniel and I are trying to figure it out.  He has proposed some ideas that I consider crazy and before I say yes or no, I am doing some serious research on them.  I no longer trust trainers blindly.  They may know a lot about fitness and nutrition, but only I have been dealing with the complexity of my body for as long as I have.  Unfortunately, every trainer has their own idea of what will work and what is healthy and they all seem to be completely opposite and in conflict with what I know or from the previous trainers ideas.  So as I research on my own, I tend to freeze up and become paralyzed with indecision.

This journey is long my friends.  I knew this going in that it would not be a quick fix and that nothing would happen overnight.  But this is far longer than I anticipated for this phase of this journey and I am in a place of weariness where it really is a fight to keep stepping forward right now.  Once again I am grasping to find the scripture that says that good things will come “if you do not grow weary”.

In the last 3 years, I have looked at the condition of my heart, I have sought counseling and group therapy, I have looked at diet and nutrition, I have done every kind of workout imaginable, I have auditioned for a tv show and I have brought my community along with me for the ride to help keep me awake when I start to fall asleep at the wheel (so to speak). I have looked at my past and the contribution that it has made to who I am and how I respond to the things life throws at me.  I have sought out my Dr and the possibility that there is a medical reason for all of this.

My family doesn’t know half of this stuff I have done to work on all of this, they only see the workouts and the nutrition.  It was rather difficult on Thanksgiving to have them all talking about me while I was sitting there and how I should be skinny by now.

I know.  I SHOULD be.  While I know they were trying to be encouraging and loving, it was quite difficult to have all of my own thoughts about what should be voiced by others in my presence without actually talking to me.

So what is next?  I am weary and heavy laden, not with the workouts, I love them, but just with the journey.  I am tired of thinking about it and trying to figure it out.  I am tired of getting my hopes up only to have progress slowly stop.

When I whine about all of this, please hear also that I do see strength gains and my clothes do fit different.  Most days those things get me excited and I am able to set aside the scale and measurements and recognize these things as equally important accomplishments.  Like I said, I am weary though and it is much more difficult to battle that fully when all your energy seems to go towards not crawling in a hole.

Tonight, I am going to meet with my pastor and a woman from my church to do some intensive prayer stuff about all of this.  I am not sure how to describe this or explain what it is or even what I hope to get out of it so I am just going to leave it at that and say, I am nervous and since it has gotten scheduled it seems that there has been all manner of discouragement going on.

Since scheduling it, I have felt the most intense feelings of loneliness and despair I have felt in a long time.  My car has a pending repair scheduled that is going to cost a butt load of money I don’t have yet (hence its pending status) and last night my windshield wipers stopped working in the middle of the highway while raining.  The simplicity of having to rely on new friends to take care of me and that situation just left me feeling incredibly raw and vulnerable.  Regardless of it being a holiday week, I feel like this week has been incredibly rough on the eating front.  I know it is nerves and anxiety and am working to control it and give myself some grace about it too. All of this stuff seems to be intensifying as my appointment time draws closer.  Honestly, I am afraid to get out of bed today.  Who knows what might go wrong today that I will have to deal with when I already feel incredibly fragile and oh not so strong at all.

With that said, I’ll be damned if I let the enemy win in this journey or in this day. He is coming after me with all of his biggest guns this week and he has certainly won some battles but he will. not. win. this. war.

So if you read this and are one who prays, my appointment is at 8 PM, but I need mercy today.  I need the pressure to release a bit.  or maybe I don’t.  Maybe the pressure is perfect heading into this.  I don’t know.  (yes I am aware I am talking in circles, that is what happens when I don’t have a plan for my writing and write for the purpose of processing).  So pray as you are led to pray today.

As for me, I am going to get out of bed and make it through another day.

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Picking Myself Back Up

I have not been on the scale in about 2 weeks.  If I am honest with myself, my unofficial break followed by my official break was more like 3-4 weeks long as opposed to a week or so. The evidence showed up on the scale this morning.  298.8 What a reality check!

Time to give this not so “incredible shrinking ass” a kick and get going again.

So, I am writing out a plan for 2010.  Something workable.  Something doable.  Something filled with balance and that will stretch me.  Something that is flexible (like a rubber band) to fit my spontaneous self!  Something that is not simply a list of things to do, but something that will showcase who I am and who I am meant to be.  Something that, when accomplished, the only naturally possible result is weight lost.

I promised myself I would have this done by tomorrow(1/7/10), then followed it up with a commitment to Coach and Aaron as I am keen on letting myself down, but not them 😉

Stay tuned for the plan.  Not a list of resolutions, just a plan.

The bottom line is this.  This slow creep upwards is gonna stop!

I am going to learn to find balance between the two extremes of all in or all out!

Midnight Conversations

Currently, it is 3:51 AM  and my night owl ways are at an extreme, especially considering I have NOT had coffee today and Crazy Kate is not visiting.  However, this time I am not alone.  I have spent the better part of yesterday and now all of today thus far with a particular friend.  We had intentions of going to sleep a few hours ago, however, as is typical for us, we started talking about life.  Where God has us, our frustrations with His vague plan, and why things don’t look like we would want them to look, as well as the blessings He has shown us as we walk out true living.   No, we do not talk about doom and gloom all the time.  There has been much laughter and hope in the conversations tonight.

Anyway, as this friend and I decide to just stay up all night and reap whatever we will reap tomorrow because of it, she has pulled out the wrapping paper and scissors and I have pulled out the computer to blog about one little conversation we had tonight.  Her idea actually, so yes I have her permission to share!

One of the conversations that came up pertained to dating and relationships and the fact that both of us deeply desire to be married one day.  Sooner than later.  The conversation was all over the board.  Are we putting something out there that is somehow unattractive to men?  Is it simply our weight that keeps men at bay?  What if we lose the weight and a guy STILL is not interested?  Why is it that some women, who in our judgement are far less attractive in personality or looks or both seem to have found attractive, good men and are married, and yet we remain single.  In our opinions, we are not bitchy or high maintenance and we are pleasant and dare I say FUN to be with.  We are not ugly, in fact I know for a fact that she is beautiful…and she would say the same of me.   Although she is currently working through a bad haircut (her words, not mine)

Somehow all of this conversation turned to the idea of being refined.  That perhaps we are being refined before we get the blessing we want.  Yet this too raises more questions.   What is so special about us that we “get” to be refined so thoroughly first?  How come others don’t have to go through this process? 

In the midst of our conversation, I had a thought.  I am certain it did not come from me.  In fact, it was probably another one of those little warnings from God that comes before destruction that I talked about in the previous post.  You know.  The warnings to get off the pedestal before I get knocked off?  Yeah that one!  Yes, graciousness abounds! 

Again, I am no Bible scholar, but according to the New Kim Translation, there is a story “somewhere in the Bible” about some workers who were working for some dude.  Some started work early in the morning, some in the middle of the day and some only a few hours before the end of the day. When the boss man came around to pay the workers their wages, they all received the same wage.  Those who started working early did not find it fair and complained to the boss.  “How come they get what I got for less work?”, was their basic gripe.

The boss man said to those who were complaining that he chooses what he chooses to pay each worker and basically it is none of their business.

Yeah, so the process God takes us each through to mold us into the creation He intended is different for each and it does us no good to compare and complain because it “appears” that one person has it easier or better that the other.  In fact, according to this story, it is none of my business and I should probably just stay out of it and leave it to God.  But here is the thing, my judgmental ass likes to be up in it!!  

I think I just climbed back up the pedestal instead of back down…Dang!  Wrong direction!  Let’s try this again.  While yes, some of our conversation held many questions that are really quite unanswerable without getting all up in God’s business about things that don’t have anything to do with us exactly, but rather how He chooses to be in relationship and bless others, much of it has also been about the beauty in the struggle.  Yes I did say the beauty in the struggle.  While our stories have not necessarily been easy to live out and we have each had our share of fears and doubts and questions along the way, we also know this.  God is faithful.  I will only speak for my self on this in this next piece. 

A few months ago, after “crazy Kate” visited, I wrote out a timeline.  From the time of my worst betrayal (sexual abuse) until now.  I plotted out all the times that I can remember that I had an opportunity to look at my story on some level. 

This is what it revealed.  God has been with me from the beginning.  That event was significant enough to Him that He decided to pursue me even then.  I am certain He would have thrilled at the possibility of redemption happening back then before I got lost beneath the weight and yet I am certain He knew I wouldn’t or couldn’t.  Not yet.  So instead, I see a pattern of pursuit.  A display of His faithfulness and love.  A beautiful journey that just became more aggressive in the last couple of years and that I have finally begun to respond to.  So with all of that said, I choose to press on.  To trust this God of mine, that clearly holds my heart in His hands and has held it all these years.  This God who truly does have my best interest in mind.  He can pay His other workers whatever wages He chooses.  As for me, I will be thankful whatever He chooses to give me.

I think my friend is on the same page with that too!

Thinking Twice

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend whose teenage daughter has been dealing with some stuff in her life.  Neither my friend or her daughter know about this blog, at least not to my knowledge.   The friend, I don’t talk to very often and her daughter even less.  Her daughter is away for the week visiting family and spending some time alone to think.  When they were thinking of where her daughter could go to get away, that would be a safe and comfortable place for her to go, her daughter suggested coming to visit me.  My friend told me that her daughter had been watching me lose weight and follows me closely on Facebook and has been inspired by me.

I was confused at first and very humbled.

I really don’t feel like I put that much out there on FB.  Maybe some status updates about going to swim, bike, or run but nothing specific about my weight loss journey.  That is reserved for this place.

Later that same day, I commented on another bloggers blog about how great she is doing in her running program as she works toward being able to run a 5K.  I am inspired by her discipline to follow the C25K program.   I run, but I run haphazardly and just go by feel and well…boredom.  When I get bored with one routine I move on to something a little more challenging.  It takes far more discipline to do something like C25K.

Anyway, she responded that I actually inspired her to run!

What?!  I am almost 300 lbs doing an attempt at running that if you saw it, you would hardly call it running!  I huff and puff my way through and I am sure it sounds like I am gonna die.  But I do it…and I guess that was her point.  I am a large woman doing something that in general, most don’t consider possible.

Regardless, I was surprised and humbled again.

Hearing these things makes me think twice about giving up on days like today when I devoured far too many chocolate chip cookies and completely failed to count calories at all.  When I feel like crap and am full of shame and think it isn’t worth it, I am reminded of these things.

I know, ultimately, I am doing this for myself first.  For MY health.  For MY future.  For My now.  So that I can live a full and exciting life with all sorts of possibilities that never existed before.  But sometimes, those reasons aren’t enough.  Sometimes all I have to draw from for my own strength and determination is the fact that others are looking to me for encouragement and inspiration and courage.  I can’t quit.  Not for me.  Not for them.

You see, it is easy to let myself down.  Or at least it once was.  I am not so sure it will be so easy anymore and I am not sure I want to test that.  But I know for sure, I don’t want to let others down.

So know this friend and fellow running blogger…YOU have inspired me today….to go again tomorrow (since today is pretty much over and my eating SUCKED!)

I know Aaron…You have told me often that my impact on others is greater than I know…I am learning…slowly but surely, I am learning!

Some Of The 10,000

me head shotI have been in a weird place this past month.  Part of me is scared poop-less that this time is NOT different and yet I know that is just fear talking because I can SEE the signs that say it IS different.  The signs are not just theory or thoughts either, they are the real deal physical universe things, like Crazy Kate’s visit.  Or like wanting to run the complete opposite way of the direction I have been heading and yet not running.  I may not be moving, but I am not running either.   I am standing in the moment, feeling everything there is to feel and acknowledging its place in my life.

I have also found myself in a place of wanting to justify or rationalize Crazy Kate’s visit (which I hope you all picked up on the clues, that I do not have a twin, Kate is me!)  I have wanted to pull that blog post so many times since hitting “publish”.  I didn’t realize  until tonight when I received an email response from Aaron, that in asking him (for probably the 3rd time) what he thought of all of that situation, I was really expecting judgment.   He said this: If what is behind your question is wondering what judgment I may be placing on you because of that then rest assured that there is no judgment.  You are wading through serious stuff and as I’ve said before there are forces that do not want to see you wholly healthy and will use whatever dirty tricks possible to derail you.  This is a long road you are on.

It made me stop and think and realize that part of my fears in having this post out here in blogland is the possible judgments you all may have of me and what happened.  Judgments about my faith and where I stand on that.  Judgments about my ability or determination to lose this weight, but most of all, judgments about my sanity!  I know I am not crazy.  I know that there is a lot going on as I move forward on this journey.  And, having it all out here, is an incredibly vulnerable feeling.  But that is ok.  Vulnerability never killed anyone!

I have many fears as I continue to walk this out.

  • Crazy Kate, might come back from time to time- So be it.  She ain’t got nothing on me!
  • 64.8 lbs is all I will ever be able to lose, I will never break through to 65+ lbs-if that is the case, then I won’t gain back what I have lost, I will be proud of this journey and I won’t give up trying.
  • this journey is going to require more trust and faith than I think I have in me- likely true, but I know the Source of all Trust and Faith and I will just get more as needed.
  • this journey is going to lead me to greater risks than I have ever known.  That it will take me beyond myself.- While scary, this also sounds exciting.
  • That God is after the control I keep taking back from Him, and He means to have it and hold onto it.-  I have a death grip on this control thing, but ummm I don’t think I can win against God.  He seems to always get what He wants, no matter how long it takes.  He is kind of patient like that!

I also have many hopes for myself as I continue to walk this journey out

  • I am not alone-  God is always with me and when I need Jesus with skin on, He has provided me with some of the best of His creation to journey with me…and they don’t seem to be tired yet.
  • I feel! – There was once a time, not long ago that I would have been considered a leper.  When Jesus healed the lepers in the Bible, he gave them their ability to feel back.  When they could feel, they could look at and fix the area that needed fixing.  While painful and overwhelming at times, I am so incredibly thankful to feel.
  • this journey is not my own.- While this blog is certainly about me and my story, whichever one happens to be impacting me in the moment, there is a bigger picture being painted and I am not the artist!
  • WHEN I lose this weight, it will be forever, because I am taking the time to address what gets in the way now!  It might be a slower process than I had hoped for or would like, but I would rather it be this way, than to lose and gain it all back!
  • While my abuse seems to have had the most significant impact on my weight loss efforts and seems to be the thing I talk a lot about, THAT is not all of who I am.  There is so much more to me, and I look forward to discovering THAT girl as I continue this journey. (Thanks Aaron for pointing that out to me!)

Ultimately, I am me and you are reading because either you LIKE me or are simply fascinated by this life of mine or can somehow relate to my life.  For whatever reason, you are here because you choose to be here, so you get what you get…Crazy and all!

But for the record, I am NOT crazy…I just had a crazy week…and I will likely have more of them…so stick around if you want, I am glad to have you on the journey!

Friday Night Tri

Last Friday Night while in GR, I was invited to participate with a group of people that do a triathlon every Friday night.   I think I mentioned this in a previous entry but have only now realized, I never wrote about it.  Been a lot going on 🙂

While I was excited and in some way honored to have been invited to this, I was also intimidated.   I am quite a social person and don’t get intimidated easily by meeting new people but this was a rare occasion where I was.  The girl who invited me, I hardly know.  I have met her on a couple of occasions but that is about it.   Outside of her, I didn’t know anyone else going.  I tried to entice Coach along and had he not had to be up at 5 AM or some awful hour like that to do his own triathlon training as well as having a prior commitment, I might have been able to.

My reasons for being intimidated go beyond not knowing anyone.  The intimidation really lay in my insecurity over my ability to do 2 events back to back and in front of people I do not know.  I wasn’t sure how the event would run.  Does everyone wait for all participants to complete a leg before moving on?  If so, I did not want to hold anyone back.  I am slow.  While I have participated in 2 events already some of that insecurity went away simply because I had my “fans” there.  No matter what anyone else thought at these events, I had my people there who would love me still, win or lose or die trying.  In front of my “fans” it doesn’t matter that I have nothing CLOSE to tri gear.  I wear a skirted swimsuit.  But what would these people think of this?  Then, how was I gonna handle the transition?  Do I take enough time to completely change?  Run in my swimsuit only (oh heck no!) Or do I simply throw my running clothes on over my suit and take off?  So many intimidating factors and only intimidating because I cared what these strangers thought of me trying to do this thing that incredibly athletic people do, and well if you look at me, I am not incredibly athletic…yet.

So I show up and as I am driving in, my stomach begins the acrobatics that it has come to enjoy of late.  There are about a dozen people standing around, mostly men, and they look like super athletes.  They have cool matching gear.  They are stretching and flexing, getting ready to do their great feats of strength.  They remind me of Coach, except Coach I know.  And I know he is nice and encouraging and not arrogant about his abilities (mostly anyway :-)hee hee)

Quick text to Coach:  I can’t do this!!

Quick text back:  YES YOU CAN! Make me proud!

ugh, to make him proud it doesn’t require much.  Really.  It doesn’t.  It just requires doing my best and FINISHING.

I can do this. I can. I can. I can.

I got out.  Found the one girl I know.  Said hello.  And eventually met a few others.  I have no idea of names.  I was not thinking about names.  I just wanted to stop standing around and get started.

We all started at 6:30 sharp.  Everyone goes at their own pace and finishes when they finish and it is quite ok with them that I am not biking.  As I am nearing the turn around point on the swim, I am breathing heavy (cuz of a chest cold) but am doing fine.  I was not worried about the swim at all.  I passed this guy as he was heading back and he said, “You can turn around now if you want!”

“No thanks!  This is the easy part for me, if I quit here then I will quit in the run where it is hard!  I got this!”  (Besides, I promised Coach I would do the whole distance no matter what)

The man says, “well, be careful, don’t hurt yourself!”

ok, he may have had some judgement going on, but that is ok.  I know my breathing sounded rough.

I finished the swim in 25 minutes.  I was originally told it would be a 1/2 mile swim, but I don’t think it was quite that.

I moved on to the run.  Everyone else was gone on their bikes. Decision time.  Complete change or throw my running clothes on top.  I opted to throw them on top…then when I get back I can jump in the lake again. 🙂

The run was rough.  I am not gonna lie. It was 3.5 miles and quite hilly. I walked up the first big hill, then ran quite a ways, including 3 hills before I stopped and walked for a bit.  As I was hitting the hills, you might have laughed to hear me talking out loud to myself.

“Girl, you are NOT gonna walk every hill!  You got this thing.  You are running.  You are strong.  DOn’t you DARE give up this early.”  Then I was over a hill and heading down….then I repeated this for another hill and then a 3rd.

Eventually, one of the other guys caught up to me. Scared the living daylights out of me as he passed me too!  It was like being in the gym with Coach again. ( He took great delight in coming up behind me and scaring the crap right out of me)  I was expecting to be passed at some point, but was thinking I would be on my way BACK from the run.  Then another guy passed me and I thought…”oh hell no!”  I am NOT getting passed by everyone on this thing.  So I started running again.

I still got passed.  Every time, the passers were so encouraging, giving words of encouragement as they passed.   I didn’t come in last.  I finished the run in 65 minutes.

Afterward, we all sat down to a potluck meal together.  As I looked around, I realized I was not in a group of super athletes.   I was with people of all ages and abilities.  One guy can’t swim yet, so he biked and ran.  Another is just learning the sport of triathlon.  No one seemed to care that I am still almost 300 lbs and attempting this sort of stuff.  In fact, one guy, a cross country cyclist, acted like this was the most normal thing in the world to be sitting next to me talking about our events.  Crazy!

Let’s just add this to the list of reasons to get back to GR, ASAP.  This group has been doing this for 12 years.  The group changes a bit from year to year and news of it spreads word of mouth.  It is cool!

So now, my next event, August 29th.  An all female event.  I will swim and run.  Coach plans on running with me, just cuz he can!  Which means, there is NO WAY I will get away with walking much of it, if any part of it at all.

Breathing Deeply(Again)

photograph by Detlev Reimann, used with permission.

photograph by Detlev Reimann, used with permission.

This picture is ironically called, Breathe Deeply.  I found it on the internet while looking for a photo to go with my last post about breathing.  I held off on using it, until I got permission from the photographer to do so.  More of this guys work can be found here.  He is an amazing photographer!

Interestingly enough, when I saw it, I was so taken by the beauty of it, I held my breathe.

Today, as I focus on taking in air, I am thinking about altitude and perspective.  Given my last few days, as things have come up, I have pressed in and only saw the fear and doubt before me.  It was big and scary and felt like too much to handle so I did the next best thing.  I took myself out of the game before it could take me out.  I wonder if things would have been different had I stopped.  Breathed.  Climbed up on a chair or something and looked around me.  Perhaps I would have seen a different picture.  Or the bigger picture.

Mountains can look big and scary and impossible to climb.  But the truth is they are not insurmountable, when you have and USE the tools given to you.

And you remember to breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.