Hi guys! Yes I am still here. I keep wanting to blog but I like to blog chronologically and I have all theses other posts that I want to write about but don’t seem to have time or motivation to write right now, so I have written nothing. I am realizing that is so detrimental to me. This blog is a lifeline for me in my processing of all of this stuff and so it is with a lot of intentionality(is that a word Coach?) that I write this post. Maybe one day I will get back to those other posts and maybe not. Regardless I will no let their pending status keep me from writing more.
SO I have been here. Loving my workouts still. Had a minor back injury that I got healed of (that I MUST write about soon) It took me out for about a week but has been great ever since. I have been struggling with the eating a bit with the holidays, but who doesn’t? My body is doing what it does best with the numbers which is, it works and responds to the new program well for a couple of months then seems to stop changing or reversing. SO Daniel and I are trying to figure it out. He has proposed some ideas that I consider crazy and before I say yes or no, I am doing some serious research on them. I no longer trust trainers blindly. They may know a lot about fitness and nutrition, but only I have been dealing with the complexity of my body for as long as I have. Unfortunately, every trainer has their own idea of what will work and what is healthy and they all seem to be completely opposite and in conflict with what I know or from the previous trainers ideas. So as I research on my own, I tend to freeze up and become paralyzed with indecision.
This journey is long my friends. I knew this going in that it would not be a quick fix and that nothing would happen overnight. But this is far longer than I anticipated for this phase of this journey and I am in a place of weariness where it really is a fight to keep stepping forward right now. Once again I am grasping to find the scripture that says that good things will come “if you do not grow weary”.
In the last 3 years, I have looked at the condition of my heart, I have sought counseling and group therapy, I have looked at diet and nutrition, I have done every kind of workout imaginable, I have auditioned for a tv show and I have brought my community along with me for the ride to help keep me awake when I start to fall asleep at the wheel (so to speak). I have looked at my past and the contribution that it has made to who I am and how I respond to the things life throws at me. I have sought out my Dr and the possibility that there is a medical reason for all of this.
My family doesn’t know half of this stuff I have done to work on all of this, they only see the workouts and the nutrition. It was rather difficult on Thanksgiving to have them all talking about me while I was sitting there and how I should be skinny by now.
I know. I SHOULD be. While I know they were trying to be encouraging and loving, it was quite difficult to have all of my own thoughts about what should be voiced by others in my presence without actually talking to me.
So what is next? I am weary and heavy laden, not with the workouts, I love them, but just with the journey. I am tired of thinking about it and trying to figure it out. I am tired of getting my hopes up only to have progress slowly stop.
When I whine about all of this, please hear also that I do see strength gains and my clothes do fit different. Most days those things get me excited and I am able to set aside the scale and measurements and recognize these things as equally important accomplishments. Like I said, I am weary though and it is much more difficult to battle that fully when all your energy seems to go towards not crawling in a hole.
Tonight, I am going to meet with my pastor and a woman from my church to do some intensive prayer stuff about all of this. I am not sure how to describe this or explain what it is or even what I hope to get out of it so I am just going to leave it at that and say, I am nervous and since it has gotten scheduled it seems that there has been all manner of discouragement going on.
Since scheduling it, I have felt the most intense feelings of loneliness and despair I have felt in a long time. My car has a pending repair scheduled that is going to cost a butt load of money I don’t have yet (hence its pending status) and last night my windshield wipers stopped working in the middle of the highway while raining. The simplicity of having to rely on new friends to take care of me and that situation just left me feeling incredibly raw and vulnerable. Regardless of it being a holiday week, I feel like this week has been incredibly rough on the eating front. I know it is nerves and anxiety and am working to control it and give myself some grace about it too. All of this stuff seems to be intensifying as my appointment time draws closer. Honestly, I am afraid to get out of bed today. Who knows what might go wrong today that I will have to deal with when I already feel incredibly fragile and oh not so strong at all.
With that said, I’ll be damned if I let the enemy win in this journey or in this day. He is coming after me with all of his biggest guns this week and he has certainly won some battles but he will. not. win. this. war.
So if you read this and are one who prays, my appointment is at 8 PM, but I need mercy today. I need the pressure to release a bit. or maybe I don’t. Maybe the pressure is perfect heading into this. I don’t know. (yes I am aware I am talking in circles, that is what happens when I don’t have a plan for my writing and write for the purpose of processing). So pray as you are led to pray today.
As for me, I am going to get out of bed and make it through another day.