Tag Archive | goals

WS#3 Make A Plan…Stick To The Plan

Here is the nitty gritty.  It does no good to have a solid nutritional or training plan unless you are going to follow it 100%.

So you have decided to take charge of your health.  You have chosen your plan.  No matter which path you choose make sure you follow it all the way through.

I happen to have chosen to hire a nutritional genius who has a lot of experience in helping people shed fat and meet the goals they have set for themselves.  Each week I am given a new training and nutrition plan for that week and am expected to follow it.  What is not given (most of the time) is the plan specifics.  I am generally given nutrition numbers to hit within a meal and a number of meals to hit each day.   If I waited until the morning to figure out HOW I am going to hit those numbers I am going to fail…every time.

So here is what I do.  I typically cook protein up in larger quantities for 3-4 days at a time.  Boring food or repeating the same thing meal after meal does not bother me.   Bags of steam-able broccoli and raw almonds are my best friends.

Each night, I portion out my meals for the next day carefully measuring my protein, fat, and carb sources(if allowed) out.  I premix any protein shakes and put it all in the fridge.  In the morning, all I have to do is grab all my containers for the day out of the fridge and put them in my reusable grocery bag aka lunch bag.

Then, the hard part comes…

I have to actually eat all of what I packed, nothing extra and don’t make any changes to the plan.

If I am going to go out to eat, it is planned ahead of time.  I look at the menu online and figure out what I can have that will fit in my plan and figure out what changes I will need to request when I order.  I KNOW that if eating out is sprung on me, I don’t choose the best options for my plan.  So instead, I decline surprise invites out.

Rigid?  Yup.

Difficult?  For this socialite, at times, yes.

Worth it?  Absolutely.

Here is the thing.  I have paid a decent amount of money for these nutrition/training plans.  Road maps, if you will, that if followed will get me to my destination.  It does me no good to go off road/plan.  It won’t work.  I will be lost for sure in no time.

It is best to just stick to the plan you had in place when you left the house that morning.

Sure, life happens.  But results come when you follow a plan in the midst of life.  Figure out what works for you…make a plan…and stick to it.

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Living In The Tension Of What Is and What Is To Come

It has been a while since I have busted out the “Kim’s Translation” of the Bible and it is about overdue 😉 (This one came with a little help from my Pastor in trying to communicate this concept, Thanks Jim)

There is a theology/thought/belief/biblical idea about the Kingdom of God being here, but not yet.

Pause.

Say what??

I know, sounds kind of crazy, right?  Here, but not really?  What does this mean?

Let me ATTEMPT to explain, but remember, I am no theologian, I am just a girl working out her faith and learning along the way.  My understanding of the Bible will change over time as I grow, but for today, this is how I understand it, with help from Jim!

So, Jesus came to earth to fulfill a promise(or several promises really)  He came that we might have life, abundant life.  Overflowing life.  Life to the full. He came to bring His Kingdom, His ways, His power, to earth, to give it to us and when He returned to heaven, he left His Spirit with us…so we can have those things.

The problem.  We are still on earth, and while we are now the Temple for the Holy Spirit and it/he resides in us, It does not reside in all because not all have received it/him.  And, we are not in heaven yet, and we still live in a world that has sin all around us every day, and often we (I) are the perpetrators of such sin.

So we have this promise of abundant life and yet because of the sin in the world and in our lives, we don’t get to experience the fullness of that hope and promise yet.

Think of it this way, Grandma is baking her best cookies for you.  You love these cookies.  They are the best cookies ever!  She puts them in the oven and then hands you the spoon to lick.  You savor that spoon and can’t wait til those cookies are done.  You have just had a foretaste and you KNOW these cookies, in all due time, will be AMAZING and you can hardly wait. You watch the timer.  You count the minutes.  You wait in anticipation for the FULLNESS of what is to come.

That is what it means to say that the Kingdom of God is here, but not yet.

Now,what the heck does this have to do with anything I have ever written about?

Well, in this here, not yet idea, lies a tension.  A tension to want to push the process, to speed things up, to manipulate the thermostat to make those cookies get done quicker vs waiting patiently for the process to happen in the best way possible under the absolutely best conditions…and according to the Master’s GREATEST plan.  Grandma’s cookies are the best because she knows what she is doing.  Let her do her thing!

So, I am realizing, my journey is alot like this.  Just as God has begun a good work in me and will see it to completion, Leif has also begun a good work in my body and has restored great hope for me that my body is in fact NOT BROKEN and can and will lose weight.

In the last month, I have struggled with the tension of trusting Leif and Tate with their GREATEST plan for my body that will help to fulfill their promise to me of achieving lasting fat loss.  In the restoration of hope in this area, dreams I never knew I held within me were released into my soul and I began to anticipate what it might be like to be at goal.  I began to dream of things I never dared to dream before.  Dreams of perhaps wearing a bikini was a big one even if for only one day before realizing I am far to modest for that. But really the idea that if I wanted to I COULD wear one and really own it and work it!

More and more though, my body has been shifting and changing and while I am starting to look amazing in clothes, I know what lies underneath those clothes and that underneath those clothes, a time has come where I have had to start wearing Spanx, or some version of them, aka a girdle(this was a hard place to be in to have to buy and wear this article of clothing).   I see in the mirror all the loose skin and the unevenness in which my weight is coming off.  It is not pretty folks. In fact, it has been devastating.  I think, or at least it feels like, I have cried more this past month than I did during the 2 years when I was actively engaging my sexual abuse healing/therapy.  Now, that might not be true, given that I am a bit removed from that time, but sheesh, it sure feels like it.

I have begun to worry about what is to come and if those dreams that were birthed in me along with renewed hope would ever come true.  Or if I will have to find a very rich man to marry who can pay for skin removal surgery.  In all of this I have found myself angry at both Leif and Tate for bringing me to such a place that I would dare dream of something that just doesn’t seem possible, in this moment, in this mirror image that I see when I am naked and alone.

So I find myself in this tension of both hope and despair.  Hope and excitement of what IS happening and what is to come…and realizing I need to let go of some of those dreams of things I cannot control so that the cards can be played out.  A tension of trust vs control.  I have two men who know what they are doing.  They are the BEST cookie makers in the business, if you will.  Me begging them to give me all the ins and outs of their recipe in the moment is NOT going to make things happen any faster or better.  If I understood exactly what was happening, I would be tempted to manipulate and control things instead of simply trusting these two body whisperers.

Now just because I finally have words to explain where I have been this past month doesn’t make it any easier.  I have had to put blinders on like they do on a horse at a parade so that I can’t see all that is around me and be distracted.  Despite my chaotic emotional state that has felt crazy as I live out the tension, I have had to do whatever was necessary to stay true to the plan, nutritionally and training wise.  I have had to stop looking at new friends results and comparing their journey’s to mine.   During this time, I have gotten ugly.  Ironic, since my journey is about becoming beautiful, the kind of beautiful that Jesus would behold!

I have NOT represented myself or Jesus well.  I could blame it on “Dieter’s Rage” but that would be me not taking responsibility for my life and actions.  Daily, it has been a battle and as I wrestled with trusting these two men, particularly Tate, I have lashed out and said some really ugly things.  Hurtful things.  I realize in hindsight that I just wanted to feel like I had some semblance of control over some piece of all of this journey.  Slowly, I am learning…in Faith, my job is to trust Jesus where He leads and He has led me to these men. In my body transformation, my job is to trust these two and to not treat them poorly when they hold the line for me.   Fortunately, for me, Jesus is a master at forgiveness, and Leif and Tate don’t take it personal when I lash out, and they too forgive me.

For now though, I have my 60 lbs lost, my foretaste of what is to come, if I would trust the process.  I have the promise, it is mine to collect on, but it’s not all the way here.  Yet. It is a journey, a process, and I am not done yet.

Tension.

A picture of hope, me-mid process. 2 photos taken a year apart, although really, all the change has happened in the last 6 months.

Dear Murph

Dear Murph,

On Memorial Day, I decided to go against my trainers instructions and participate in a Hero WOD  in your honor.  You died for your country trying to save the lives of your squad, the least I could do was attempt your favorite Crossfit workout that was named after you!

It was awful, Murph.  I don’t know why you liked this workout so much.  I swear I died 3 times as I pushed my carb depleted body through each thing and 4 men ran my final mile with me to help get me through.  My trainers had told me not to do Crossfit for a while.  I didn’t understand fully the concept of “fuel utilization” or how depleted my body really was for anything besides low intensity stuff.  I just wanted to have fun and I missed Crossfit, so I did it.  It took me 1:15 to get through it all, plus 25 minutes of laying on the ground immediately after and then I went home and slept the rest of the day.

I was proud of the accomplishment, but this workout of yours also took me out of the game for about 4 days.

3 months later, and just this week, on Labor Day, I had the opportunity to do Murph again, this time with Leif and Tate’s permission and with proper nutritional fuel to get through it.

For those, reading who don’t know, this is the workout called Murph

  • 1 Mile Run
  • 100 pull ups
  • 200 push ups
  • 300 squats
  • 1 Mile run

Do the above as fast as possible.

I set myself a goal, one I didn’t REALLY believe I could do, but I needed to stretch for something.  I wanted to finish in under an hour.  I knew it was a lot of time to take off, especially since that was the last time I had done Crossfit, but I had to try.

35 minutes in, Murph, I realized I was almost done with all of the squats.  I knew something was wrong.  There was NO WAY I had completed all of the above in 35 minutes and was on pace to finish this thing in 50 minutes.  I looked at my chalk tally marks and re-added things up, and realized…I was short 100 pushups and 100 squats!

That’s ok.  I felt good.  5 rounds of 20 and 20 and I would be done and on my final run.    I watched the clock and as I finished the squats/push ups,  the clock read 44 minutes in.

Now, if only I can run another 15 min mile, I will have met my goal.

Here is the thing though Murph.  I rarely can do a 15 minute mile.  I mean, if I do, it is usually a fluke and it is on fresh legs.  Not on legs that are burned out from 300 squats!  I headed out and kept my eye on my watch.  Unfortunately, I had to do a little walking to catch my breath.

As I rounded my last corner and was on the final stretch, I thought for SURE I blew it. My walking slowed me down. NO WAY did I make a 15 minute mile.  Something in me stirred though as I told myself I had not made my time.

“How do you KNOW you didn’t, Kim?”  “You can’t possibly know until you get in that building and see the official clock!”  How will you feel if you take the easy jog in, only to find out you missed your goal by seconds?”

Kim, you won’t know unless you haul ass down this block and run into that building to see what that clock says.   Get moving.

I moved.   I ran faster than I have ever run for that final 2 blocks and ran into the building.

59:55

I. Did. It.

Lesson:  You will never know what you are capable of or the thrill of blasting through a goal unless you are willing to push yourself harder than ever before.  And I am capable of far more than I think I am, limited only by myself.

I didn’t believe I could do this WOD in under an hour when I set the goal but I also wasn’t willing to settle for less than 110% effort.  Also, it is amazing what being 30lbs lighter and having carbs in your system will do for a workout like this.

As for dying, I went hiking that afternoon.  No dying for me this day, only extreme living!

 

One Brave Thing

As I traveled in New York City the last few days, I realized that I was doing quite a few things that I was afraid of.  I also noticed that some of those things I didn’t realize I was afraid of until I was doing them.  Finally, I noticed that most of the time I am afraid, no one else knows.

I went up into the Empire State Building and forced myself to go to an edge where I could look straight down, at least once.

I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge by myself.

I rode in a roller coaster for the first time in 18 years, terrified I wouldn’t fit and when I did (barely, or not really) then it became the ridiculous speeds and height that got me.

I got lost in the NY Subway System and had a grand day exploring everything and nothing, by myself.

I got on the scale the day after vacation ended.

That is just a few of the things I did that left me feeling brave and I LIKED the feeling of bravery.

My Road to Beautiful is less about physical beauty than one would assume, especially given that my primary topic has been weight loss. In fact, I think that one of the great characteristics of so many truly Beautiful women I know, is bravery.  Courage. They stand in the face of fear with defiance in their eyes, declaring that Fear will not dictate their life.  They go on grand adventures I only dream about.  They take great risks and enjoy even greater rewards.  They are impacting their worlds in such beautiful ways that it can’t help but be transformed into something new.  They themselves are always being transformed.

That is how I want to be.   I want to be Beautiful like THAT!

And really, who am I not to be?  Who are YOU not to be?

This is what I know.  The past 5 days, I felt powerful and strong and brave as I faced a few fears and did things anyway. As my confidence grew, I think my natural Beauty was given an opportunity to shine.  I think that every girl should get to experience that feeling of brave beauty.  Every day.  I also like to think that the more we experience that feeling of bravery the more courageous we become and one day perhaps our description of ourselves will not be,”Hi, my name is Kim and I am afraid”, but rather, “Hi, My name is Kim.  I am a brave and beautiful woman!”

So, I have decided.  Every day I am going to do One Brave Thing.  Sometimes they will be Big Scary things like walking across a high bridge and other days my bravery might seem as simple as following my nutrition plan.  It might be having a conversation I don’t want to have or going somewhere I have never been.  It might be as simple as engaging a stranger in conversation and made more scary by offering to pray for them or giving up more of “me” time for the sake of others.  I will not measure my bravery like I measure my food intake, it will simply be a brave thing.

I leave you with a challenge and a quote.

Challenge:  What Brave thing will you do today?

Quote, by Marianne Williamson”

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 

NYC And Coach!

It is 1 AM and I have to be up at 4AM to get ready for a 7 AM  flight (ironically as I type this I hear a plane flying over my house-I don’t live far from DTW).  Where am I going?

New York City!

I have never been there before and if I m honest it has NEVER been on my list of places to go.  But I am a woman of relationship and one of my most significant relationships moved there last fall chasing his dream of being a world changer.  Coach started grad school last fall and since then he has written about and posted pictures of such delightful places in NYC.  He has made NYC, which seemed like a very overwhelming place to visit, sound absolutely delightful!

I decided I wanted to go to see his new home and to visit the friend I have seen once since he left.  I cannot picture Coach in this city.  My perspective of him does not fit into my perception of NYC.  Yet, there he lives and thrives…and does his Doctoral research.  I WANT to go, but there is a part of me that MUST go so that when I think of Coach I can picture him in his lab or on the subway or in his apartment.  All of these things don’t make sense to me, I have no context for them…so in a few hours I go to NYC.

SO many have asked me what I am going to see and what I am going to do there.  I have no idea except to cherish my time with my friend.  Statue of Liberty?  Central Park?  Empire State Building?  Ground Zero?  Coney Island?  Time Square? It would seem wrong to go to this city and NOT see those things so I suppose I will.  But what I really want to do is see the things that Coach has discovered about NYC.  He has a knack for discovering all sorts of hidden interesting things and learning the history about them, then telling that history in a super fascinating way.

Yup, my way of traveling is pretty laid back and has nothing to do with the typical tourist stuff.  The stuff I want to see is ALWAYS tied to a relationship or a person in some way.  If I were to go to Paris, I wouldn’t care f I saw the Eiffel Tower or not…but I would love to find some obscure coffee shop and meet some stranger and find out the things they love about their city…then go see those things!

Now, yes, I am going on vacation.  But I am NOT taking a vacation from my nutrition plan.  I aim to prove that one can stay on plan while on vacation!  I have asked Leif to help a girl out and work traveling into his plan for me this week.  I asked for SOME wiggle room for NYC delights but that I didn’t want to go overboard.  He will be sending my full plan soon, but what I do know is that he told me that this trip is coming at a perfect time in my journey with him and it will actually be a blessing in disguise.  Then he asked me to trust him.  Hmmmm specific requests to trust someone usually make me skeptical, but I suppose he has earned some measure of trust that he knows what he is doing.  I know that ice cream has been built into my plan as well as carbs.  What I know of the coming plan baffles my brain.  I don’t see how it would possible work, but I ain’t no expert.  I just plan to follow whatever he says to do, and I am certain Coach will make me stick to it as well!

So, I am not sure if NYC is ready for me, but my bags are packed and I am ready for NYC!

Oh Coach says that I will “lose my shit!” when I see NYC.  I have been laying off the fiber supplement this week, just in case! (not intentionally, I just always forget that nasty stuff!)

Things To Remember On Weigh In Day

It has been awhile since my last blog post.  I have many thoughts just no concentrated time to write them out so I have been storing away little nuggets to remember to write about.  For today, I wanted to write about some things I have noticed this week, BEFORE I get to a weigh in. Things I want to remember…

I am onto week 8 with Leif, the body whisperer, and in one way he has been so very different the 4 out of the 5 past trainers I have had.  He has kept his word.  I asked him how he would be different (not in those specific words) than all the others and why his programming would work when 5 other plans did not.  He said because every week he will listen to my body and change things.  He has.  SO far I have not been on the same nutritional or fitness plan more than 2 weeks in a row.  This alone may be the key to keeping my body going.

I wanted to write what I am about to write to serve as a reminder to me as well.  You all know how crazy the scale makes me.  And if Leif were local as opposed to in Minnesota, I would NEVER look at the scale this much, but he NEEDS my results to tailor my programming, so on I step each week.  I have begun to notice a pattern with my body.  In 7 weeks I have lost 26 lbs.  That is an average of just under 4 lbs a week…but it has not come off so smoothly.  Those were hard-fought pounds and some weeks were gains, some were very minimal losses and some were HUGE losses (last week almost 10 lbs in one week)  So, having had a huge loss last week, if my body sticks to its pattern it MAY hold steady this week, and I THINK I am ok with that.  I am mentally prepared for that.  I know it doesn’t mean the program isn’t working, it is just the pattern my body seems to do and since Leif pulls it out of that holding pattern really quickly (at least so far) in this moment I really feel ok with that…

But you all know me.

I am a woman, first and foremost, and my emotions can get crazy around this matter in my life and can turn on me in a moment…one minute I think I am prepared and can handle anything and next thing you know I am a weepy angry mess.

So with all this as my preface…this is what I am noticing this week.

As I did some makeshift Kettlebell swings at the gym last night(with dumbells), I looked in the mirror and saw that…

  • My face is getting thinner
  • My neck is getting thinner
  • My boobs now stick out farther than my belly
  • every so often my collarbone makes an appearance
  • my legs are looking thinner

And that is just the physical stuff.  I also noticed

  • I am gaining confidence in working out at the globo gym.  I no longer wander for a while trying to find a corner to hide in to work out. 
  • I feel more confident of this plan and its abilities to work in the long-term.  Hope continues to rise and if Leif continues to give me plans that work, soon I will be telling you all that you need to consult with him.
  • I LIKE ME.  I like what I see.  I saw a beautiful woman, getting stronger, getting thinner who is happy with herself and her efforts this week.   I saw a woman who does NOT give up. I did NOT see just another fat chick in that mirror.

As  I creep back down closer to the 300 lb mark I get excited again.  Soon, I will be back at my low of 290.  290 is where I got myself to in my first 6 months of my journey.  Once I get there, I REALLY will be excited about the changes.  That will be where new ground will be taken.  Oh how I can hardly wait to get to that point  and I would LOVE it if I get there before I went to NYC in June to see Coach.  He has never seen me under 290 and I would love to show him something he has never seen before!

Is that possible Leif?  I go June 8-12th…

Life At 138

Yesterday I decided.  I am 138. I told Demond.  So of course it is all official, whatever the heck that means.  He said he is good with it, but I have to be committed to it too.

Sigh.

Today, I am realizing I have no freaking clue what it means to live like I am 138.And I am mildly freaking out.  Not crazy, just more wondering what this is all going to look like.

I don’t want to simply add-on a lengthy to do list that I will likely NEVER be able to do perfectly and will therefore end up stressed out as I strive ever so hard to live a 138 life.

Nor do I want this to just be a Jedi mind trick(although if it works I suppose who cares if it is a Jedi mind trick or not, right).

I know, I am a pretty self-aware person.  I know I have a tendency to over analyze and over “do” things instead of letting things just be and simply having fun with it, whatever “it” is.

I wonder how one lives as 138 while looking in a mirror and not seeing 138 and I have just given up all control of my numbers to Demond, at least for now, although he has said until the end of time.(wow, that was a long run-on sentence) How do I evaluate goals if I don’t know?  How do I measure success or the lack thereof? Have I just switched one number identity for another one?  Is that ok?  Why would I do that anyway? Oh yes, because 138 girl probably lives the kind of life I want to live…more so than 300+ girl…

Yes, I am slightly freaking out about this AND I am trying to let it go and let it be…I think if I just knew what it takes to live life at 138 I would be fine…

or not.

I know.  This post makes absolutely no sense.

So,  I have scheduled a session with Demond for before I go to GR(yes folks, I am going home for a much-needed retreat) for the weekend and I have asked for time to be left for a conversation.

I am compiling some questions and thoughts for him…mainly about expectations, a plan of action and what the heck does life at 138 look like??

Seriously folks, the last time I was 138 I was probably 10 years old. So how does that translate and look as a 5’7″ woman….

oye,

Demond, I am not stressing…ok maybe a little….which might explain that donut today….but…I promise, I am looking for the fun in this too….and you can’t blame me…I am a control freak giving up control to you….me..a girl who doesn’t trust easily…especially men….am placing my trust in you and really working to do so fully…sooo please give me some room for questioning, ok?