Entitlement

Have you ever worked out really hard, burned lots of calories, felt incredibly good at all you have accomplished then destroy the hard work by going and eating something that you know is awful for you, because you feel you deserve it?  Are entitled to it?

I am noticing that as a thought pattern/eating pattern for me.  It doesn’t happen all the time, but on occasion it does and it has cropped up in the last couple of weeks.   On several occasions in the last month, I have left a really intense workout with G.I Jess and was heading home to make dinner but was already super hungry and was already pretty spent.  I didn’t like the thought of being so exhausted already and having to go home and cook a healthy meal as well as prepare everything for the next days meals at 9 PM.  SO instead, I would let myself off the hook from part of that by justifying a McDonald’s run or a yes folks, even a KFC run or 2.  I deserved it after all.  I have worked hard.  Harder than ever.  One meal won’t hurt.  But the scariest of all was…no one has to know.  In truth, even at this writing, I do not know that COach or Aaron know about this yet.

I also used a conversation I had with G.I Jess about my food log to justify this.  She had taken my log and read it and came back with some thoughts.  Probably the biggest thing was that I was not eating enough for what I am burning.  During the conversation she said she  would rather me eat something like KFC instead of being so short on calories all the time.  Now I know full well that she did NOT mean for  me to go out and actually get it.  Her point was to EAT MORE healthy food so that is not even an option or a necessity.  I twisted her intent in my head to help me justify this poor food choices.

The upside of all of this, is G.I Jess knows.  And has rewarded me well for it.  In fact, I told her last Monday as we were starting a 30 minute session that was SUPPOSED to be followed my an hour of biking for me while she taught her Boot Camp Class.   After I told her, she just told me that it was ok.  I am human after all.  There will be consequences however and to leave my bike in the car and to stay for Boot Camp.

Ummm no, I need to bike.

Oh you will, she says, but after Boot Camp.

You see, I had skipped my previous Friday morning swim because I slept thru my alarms then skipped my bike ride at night.  So she knew this and had already been thinking about having me stay for Boot Camp to make up for Friday.  Having told her this, just solidified her thoughts.

She proceeded to tell me how she planned her BC class around me and it was going to only be a half hour instead of an hour today.  Surely I can do a half hour, right?

Folks, when your trainer reduces a normally hour-long class to a half hour…be afraid. VERY VERY AFRAID!

We literally ran stairs for half an hour.  This was my reward for skipping workout and making poor choices.

When we were done, she told “NOW go get your bike.  I expect a report of how your ride goes and it must be at least 30 minutes and I want to know how many calories you burned.”

Seriously?  I don’t know that my legs will pedal.  I am just gonna go home.

Nope you are not, she says.  Go get your bike.  You have a scheduled bike ride to complete tonight.

Crap! (I rode)

So now.  I no longer feel entitled.  But during all this I had to ask myself this question.

How come I so quick to believe that I am entitled to eat crap?

How come I am slow to believe that I am ENTITLED to being healthy and fit?  A gorgeous size 10 or dare I say a size 6?

Am I not more entitled to the 2nd question than the first?  I mean, if God did not create me to be unhealthy and fat…why am I so quick to believe I am more entitled to that than the other (that I actually AM entitled to, by means of my Creator!)

Note:  The more tired I am, the harder this feeling of entitlement is to resist.  GRRRRRRRR

The Nutritionist

This is a post I have been hesitating to write for a couple of reasons but I am going to write it now.

A few weeks back I met with the nutritionist for the first time.  I spent 2 hours with her telling her what I have been doing, what has worked, what hasn’t; what I am doing for exercise now and my running plan and soon to be triathlon training plan and not to forget my workouts with Jess.   She gave me a whole lot of information and a food plan that involves eating 5-6 times a day.   Not a problem, that has always been my goal anyway.

Ugh, I cannot get my thoughts straight so this may turn into a ramble/rant.

Here is the gist of how I feel about The Nutritionist.

I do not like her.  I don’t like her plan.  I don’t like how I feel about myself when I am with her or after I talk to her. Her plan feels cumbersome and complicated and I know I am resisting that change.  I know I need to relax and really work to give it a fair shake.   I have questioned my timing in adding her to the mix of things when i had just added Jess to the picture and was heading into an intense training schedule, leaving little time for learning things new.  I also know that the time I have had, I have not used wisely in this regard because I have been resisting it. Sigh.   While questioning the timing, I also know that it was imperative that I find out what was going on with me calorically and nutritionally since things were not changing and I was beginning to have meltdowns, physically unable to do what I needed to do.  So I guess it is not seeing her I question, it is more trying to implement a radical change to the plan in the midst of all of this.

What is her plan you ask?  Well, it is calorie based…sort of.  Instead of counting calories, I would count exchanges.  So I need to take my serving of whatever and look in a book to determine how many starches or meats or fats etc,  it is.   I have to eat these exchanges in certain combinations throughout the day.

For example:

• Breakfast: 2 starches, a meat, a fat, and a milk.
• Snack: 1 Starch and 1 fruit
• Lunch: 2 starches, 3 meats(3oz of meat), a fat, and something else

all this and mixing in 7-8 veggies a day.

Her plan is higher carb, because she knows I am doing a ton of running and need those for fuel and yet I still need lots of protein for muscle repair.

While I have never been one to say that carbs are bad necessarily, being a calorie counter, I have tended to eat less of them simply because they were not worth the calories to me.  So this higher carb thing is  playing a mind trick on me. It is completely opposite of what I have been doing for over a year now.

Here is what I know or am at least beginning to see:

• I can be perfectionistic at times and not being able to do this thing right 100% of the time is discouraging.  SO what I am beginning to see as I write out my thoughts on this is that instead of really working it to my advantage and learning this program like I learned calories, I am just not doing it most of the time.  I still watch what I eat and eat healthy, most of the time, but I have not been oh so diligent in the counting.
• I know that she threw a whole plan at me so quickly because of the intensity of my training schedule.  She just happens to be running Nashville as well, so she understands nutrition but also nutrition/fueling for an endurance race.  I really SHOULD be tapping this resource!  I know she has added lots of carbs to my plan because of the running.  She set it up so I would be at my best come race day.
• I know I am being stubborn, arrogant, and resistant about anything she tells me.  For whatever reason I am just not liking her.   Oh yeah, I know what it is…in my first meeting with her, she told me she didn’t believe that what was in my food log I showed her was accurate.  That I was eating more than that.   Ummm, yes, I have lied in the past about food.  Ask Aaron, he can tell you!  However, My food log is pretty accurate.  If I had McDonald’s, it is in there.  If I had cookies or ice cream, it goes in there.  Up until that moment, my food log was just a piece of paper that held a record of what I ate.  But in that moment I felt incredibly judged.  I know I need to let that go.  It is interfering with my ability to hear her.
• I know I am slightly pissy about the fact that my body is not/has not been responding the way I want it to, on the scale.  Please do not hear that I am not pleased or excited about all the other changes that are happening, that is not the case.  However, I am a bit jealous that a simple calorie counting and workout program is not working for me as it does for others.  Just read some of the stories of people on my “other inspirations” side bar.  It seems somewhat, ok alot, unfair that I can work as hard as I have, be so diligent in counting and it doesn’t work, to the point that I have to pay someone to tell me how to eat???  Yep, definitely a bit bitter about that one.   Jess and Coach and Aaron…I KNOW that changes are happening.  I am pleased with those…AND I am frustrated by this piece of it.  It can be both.

ok, this is an awful blog post/rant.  However things seem a little clearer in my head space about this and as you all know, my blog is primarily for me.  Most of the time I manage to write coherently. Today is not one of those times.  Today is about me processing things and getting them out of my head so I can hopefully move forward!

Girls Best Friend Triathlon

Saturday morning came really fast. It was chilly and cloudy and threatened rain.  I woke up in an extremely abnormal state of 5:45 AM chattiness.  I woke up, showered and immediately began telling Jen about the crazy dream I had that night.  Jen is not a morning person either and when she wakes up on race day; it is typically in your best interest to NOT talk to her until post-race.  I was risking my life, but she was gracious enough to realize that I was not normal either.  While she has pre-race jitters one way, mine shows up in extreme warp speed chattiness about everything other than what I am about to do.  Thank you Jen for being so gracious, I love you all the more for it!

Despite that bit of oddity, the rest of the day went well.  Since this is my 3rd race with this group, no one really asked me how I felt about what I was about to do.  They knew my answer.

I AM FINE!

And I was more than fine talking about everything other than the fact that it was cold outside and how cold the water may or may not be (73 degrees) and most definitely not talking about the run.

But in the end…I did it folks!  I swam my 500 meters in 18 minutes and 17 seconds.  I was hoping to do it in 20 minutes or less.  I was last in the water (again) and got escorted in (again), this time by two of the lifeguards!  However, I am pleased to say I swam the whole way and did not ever use the lifeguards to rest!

I came out of the water much differently than in last year’s event at this same location.  Last year, my friend Todd had to drag me up the hill or I never would have made it to the transition area.  This year however, I came out and ran up the hill, as Coach tossed me my towel. (good man, Coach!)  I was so excited to be running up the hill on my own power and not being pushed or pulled up it, I started laughing/talking about how much easier this hill is this year than last.  To which I got this reply from Coach as he ran along the side of the marked area.

LESS TALKING…MORE RUNNING!!!!!

Fine.  I got to the transition area and handed off my electronic chip to Ingrid, who took off on the bike.  I caught my breath, wrapped myself in my towel, and headed out of transition with my bag to go greet my friends, to dry off and to change into my running clothes. And to pee. Again (Note to all you who wish to start racing…the bladder goes on overdrive on race day!)

About 55 minutes later, I was cheering my former teammate (from Bostwick Lake), Marissa, along with her mom in, when suddenly I am being shouted at that Ingrid is back!  CRAP!  I am not even in the transition area!  So I ran in, threw my bag down, grabbed my chip and took off.

Now, I must remind you that Coach planned on running in this all female event with me and he did.  He showed up in decked out in his running gear, ready to run.  Truth be told, he looked like the runner, where as I, just looked like a girl in cotton Capri pants and a tank top.  Next year, I will have the cool gear, except I don’t think I will be wearing spandex pants quite yet!

I ran down the hill, and realized CRAP! I have to pee! But then thought, NO time girlie, you are in a race!  So I continued down the hill and then back up and then I thought…

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??!?!?!?!

Seriously.

I am about 1 minute into my run, all pumped on adrenaline, trying to make it up a hill hoping 2 things.

• That Coach will be on the other side of that hill, waiting for me, ready to run, and to help me through this
• That Coach would somehow forget his word and NOT be there, so that I might have a chance at walking for a breather at some point.

Coach was there.  Clapping and cheering.  Ready to run.

New thought.  Why does he have to be a man of his word ALL the time?

So off we went.  Him doing what I call a simulated run.  Me running.  Gasping.  Attempting to talk in 2 word bursts.  Wondering what in the world I was doing this for.  Hearing Jen in my head reminding me why.

A little less dying and a little more living, Kim!

Oh yes, this tortuous thing that causes your legs and lungs to burn and your heart to pump at a ridiculous rate is bringing about more life!  I can be on board with that!

Part of the run was on trails, which I run on at home, and like.  Part was on cement which would be my next preferred way to run, and an obnoxiously long portion of it is on a mowed field (due to mud on the trails) which I hated!  It sucks running on grass.  It is as if the grass is a vortex that tried to suck all life from my legs.

Before we were even at mile 1, I knew that my bladder was not going to last 3 miles.  I began watching the bushes for a good place to pee, as 100’s of racers run by and Coach would be waiting for me.  Oh the awkwardness.  I saw a building up ahead and it was almost like seeing a mirage.  Could it be a bathroom? I asked Coach.   Well, nice guy that he is, ran ahead to check it out and confirmed that this was no mirage.  My bladder found relief without the prying eyes of 200 women (plus Coach) running past.

As I approached the first water station, a nice young boy called out asking if I wanted water.  OF COURSE I DO!  What a silly question!  So I grab the cup, drink it as I am running then realize there is no trash can.  What do I do with the cup?  So I turned around and went back to the table and tried to hand it back to them or ask them what I do with it.  They looked at me very strangely and told me to throw it on the ground!

WHAT?? You want me to litter?

Well, by then I was near a trash bag so I through it at least NEAR the trash bag…and continued running.  Coach then enlightened me to the art of race running.  You grab it, drink it, crumple it, and toss it.  They have volunteers to clean up after me.  That is so nice!

Throughout the race, there were several times I wanted to walk, mostly when on the grassy field.  There were also times that curse words were driven from my mouth as I realized I had a hill to climb and I refused to walk it.  In fact I was pretty determined I was not walking any part of this course, despite my desires.  In the end, I ran up the final hill.  Coach shouted for me to sprint it out, to finish strong as I approached the finish shoot and he veered off and ran along side it.  Somewhere deep inside me there was a hidden burst of energy that burst out of me when I saw Coach and Aaron running alongside the shoot, cheering, and Ingrid running and snapping pictures.  I picked up speed and ran as fast as I could across the finish line where I was handed a lovely flower and accosted to get my electronic chip back.  They are like Nazi’s about getting those chips back!

It was a lovely race.  I ran 3.1 miles in 55 minutes.  Only 5 minutes slower than what I did on a 3 mile course that was all flat and 5 minutes faster than I anticipated.

I am proud of myself.  I have done more things physically this year than I have ever thought I could do.  I am discovering a little athlete in me that wants to do more of these.  There is some sort of something that fills your head/body when you cross that finish line that makes you forget that the last 3 miles hurt, and makes you want to do it all again, plus some.  It is the strangest thing!

So, I will be in GR again next weekend.  I think I am going to go do that Fri Night Tri again!  Woot!

Oh and I will have pictures up in a few days!

Discipline, Training, And Choices…

I lost 3.8 lbs this week. However, I gained 4 last week.  So I am still behind the 8 ball a tad bit.   It is all good though.  I have a plan and it involves the D word.  Yep discipline.

I have been thinking about discipline a lot the last couple weeks, especially in light of cramming in all sorts of swim training for this last weekends triathlon.  I am a procrastinator by nature.  If something can be put off for another day, it likely will, especially if there is something on the horizon that seems more fun!  The other factor that has brought this up for me is that I am here.  In my happy place.  I am seeing all the people who just by there very presence provide an energy for me to get out there and “do this thang”.  It is not difficult to get out there and exercise or eat right when I am in this place.  I know, it sounds like I am glorifying this place and these people.  I am not.  I am also not forgetting all the struggles I had from Sept 08-Feb 09, before I moved away.   I often re-read my blog so I don’t forget.  I know I struggled then.  However, in comparison, the mental game is much easier here, than there.  That’s all I am saying.   In Detroit, it requires, a very intentional form of discipline for me to be successful. Discipline which does not come easy to a spontaneous procrastinator!

In a month and a half, I will not only be swimming in a triathlon, I will also be running in one.  I am not close to being prepared for the run.  This last month, I put off running to cram in as much swim time as possible to be able to do last weeks race.   See, if I were disciplined or perhaps just smart :-), I would have continued doing both so as not to set myself back in the running.  I was paniking about the swim, so I made my choices.  Now that I realize my next event is only 1.5 months away, I am paniking about the run, but I cannot forsake the swimming to solely run!  Agghhhh….

So here is my plan.  I do have one. I will swim or run every day with one day off each week.  I have talked to the community pool in my neighborhood.  If I go swim first thing in the morning, before anyone really gets there, they will allow me to take down the rope divider so I can swim some decent laps.  Once people start showing up, the divider will have to go back up.  So I HAVE to go first thing in the morning.  I will map out a few 5K courses so that I can better determine how far I am running at any one stretch and so I can continually increase how far I run at a time.   Currently I run on trails and I look at my pedometer at the end to determine distance but I don’t necessarily know how far I am running at a given stretch other than by minutes run or how many songs I ran to.   The other thing I do on my runs, that doesn’t help with determining distance per stretch is, I run like I live life.  Spontaneously.  If a turn looks interesting I take it. I rarely follow the same route.  It gets boring fast following the same route every day.   This is also how I tend to get lost in the woods close to dark! 🙂  Having a few mapped run courses will allow me to be spontaneous but also help with the discipline factor.  My plan is to run every other day and swim on the days I don’t run.

So that satisfies cardio and training for the tri.  For strength training, I will borrow some DVD’s from the library and work on those at home.  I HATE working out at home in front of people!  If mom is around she tends to simply watch me and offer all sorts of advice on what I am doing wrong and how “their leg is lifted higher” or whatever.  Yet she doesn’t join in either!  I will suck it up and do it, because I cannot ignore strength training any longer.   I am thinking some Pilate’s stuff will be good to do at home.  I will do this 3-4 times a week.  Of course, I may have won a gym membership-if that is the case, I will go there 3-4 times a week for strength stuff!  This would be awesome if I did, then I wouldn’t have to worry about home workouts!

Choices.  As I go on, my choices have become much clearer to me.  Not necessarily easier, but clearer. It feels like it was forever ago that I got out of the 300’s.  Then I dipped back into them.  Guess I couldn’t resist them!  Now it seems like forever to get out of the 290’s!  I should have been out of them last week…Each milestone seems to take longer to reach, but reach them I will.   Which reminds me of the last thing.  I have said this before but I need to get back to logging everything I eat in my food log.  During the moving transition I got out of the habit and now have not been able to get back in to it.  I MUST do this.  I was pretty consistently successful when I was doing that.   It made me so much more aware of my food intake, it made sure I ate ENOUGH calories each day, and it motivated me to exercise more.

So that is my plan.  Nothing too crazy, but it will set me up for continued weight loss.  Perhaps this will also help to ensure I am not last out of the water (again) or prevent me from dying on the run!

Between Season’s Summer Challenge Wk 3 Results

OK Guys from those who reported we have a phenomenal BL this week.

Huge kudos to Teresa for a 3.95% weight loss this week.  Her loss is just proof that if we stick with what we know and don’t give up our bodies will eventually respond the way we need them/want them to!  Way to persevere Teresa!

We had a couple who lost at least 1% this week as well!  Lina and Me (it is weird to write my name down!)

I know some of you have been discouraged by “small” losses or no losses or even gains.  Do NOT give up guys!  Keep doing what you know works.  Keep taking the next right step forward.   Keep choosing to go again when you mess up, because we all will mess up from time to time.  Just don’t go quiet and retreat into the abyss!  You are not alone!

Let’s move on into the next week!

This week let’s have a little challenge.

I want you to all think about your favorite binge food.  Your comfort thing.  The food(s) you go to most often when you are messing up big time!  Think not only of the food(s) but the quantity that you would eat.  Then do some calorie research.  How many calories was that food and in the quantities that you would most often eat it in.

For me, when I am in really bad places, my comfort food was anything from KFC.  I hate to admit this but I could easily have eaten a full 4 piece meal and some wings when I was really trying to stuff my emotions and just eat.

How many meals worth of calories would you have eaten in that one binge?

For the second part.  Now come up with something healthy and delicious to replace that binge food with.  Because the reality is, we are likely going to binge again…I hope not, but I am not dumb or naive either. But perhaps if we have the makings on hand for something delicious AND better for us our binges will be less costly.

Now post your results in the comment section!