I started yesterday off feeling awesome about my plan and how things were going, despite showing a gain on the scale. You see,I had cheated and gotten on the scale midweek and was down 5, so when my official weigh in day came I was not concerned at all that it showed an 8lb gain from Thursday til Sat. I KNEW that there was no logical way I could have gained 8 lbs of real weight in 2 days. I was on LOCK on my plan so I merely laughed at the scale knowing it would likely show something different next week.
Healthy mindset, right?
I headed out for my day got myself a pedicure and cute knew flip-flops as my reward for staying on plan for 8 solid weeks. A reward not based on results, but based on my commitment to the program.
In all honesty, this program works for me. It has lots of structure and rules, which I like. There is no guess-work for me. I don’t have to think about what I want for food, food in the last 8 weeks has been all about getting the right amount and kind of fuel that my body needs so that it can release the weight so that my body can learn that it will be fed all that it needs so it won’t hold on to my fat any longer.
Last night, as my day went on, I became increasingly anxious and I didn’t eat my planned carb meal. I ate carbs for sure, but not the planned out calculated ones that were on the menu given to me by Leif. But worse than eating off plan was that I did it all in secret. This was the first time I have done this in a long time.
I slept awful last night, waking up frequently in a panic that something bad was about to happen and as I woke up this morning I realized what I was afraid of.
Being found out. Being a fraud…and that this plan, if I actually followed it would actually work. Yes, I said I Am afraid this plan will work!
You see, it has been a while since I have seen the possibility of slipping back under 300 lbs. It has been a while since I have gotten random compliments from people about how great I am looking. And last night, while at the grocery store, a man followed me around trying to talk to me…hitting on me. I should have known then what the motivation was to pick up a single serving bag of chips….but I didn’t.
I would like to think that my former sexual abuse that I have worked so hard to get past would no longer hold me. But folks, I am realizing that as I work a plan that really REALLY has a chance of working that I am terrified. I don’t know how to respond to men who find me attractive. I don’t know, really KNOW, that I will be safe being an attractive and fit female. I don’t know what I will look like or how I will feel. I don’t know how to respond to all the compliments I am getting. It is both exciting and terrifying. I want it and I don’t want it at the same time.
I just know that while I have hope (that I cling to) that this could work and that I could look like that girl Lori I talked about in my last post, sometimes I am still driven by my old fears that brought the weight on me as a child. Fears to self protect at all costs…even when there is no real danger present.
I know which of those feelings I want to win. So I must be more diligent in watching what I am doing and analyzing my desires/behaviors more in the moment.
So this post is about the realization and about putting out there what I don’t want known about me, especially by Leif who works so diligently to create plans for me that will work or by Coach and Aaron who have walked with me so long on this journey. Oh how I hate to disappoint people. This post is about putting shame to rest and walking in freedom and moving forward.
Last night my meal consisted of:
1 small bag of chips
a serving of mom’s pasta dish she made with a steak/gravy
a diet soda
a mini Milky Way