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Darn Emotions!

Now that I feel my emotions, they are messing with my sleep.  Either I can’t fall asleep or they wake me up far too early.

Not cool!

After just over a month in GR, I leave for Detroit again today.

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Current Goal List!

My goal list widget is frustrating me. I can see it fine. I can check things off of it perfectly. As far as I have been concerned it was working fine. Except you all have no idea what my goals are….nor can you celebrate as I check things off, unless of course if I blog specifically about something.

So just so you have SOME idea of what is on there until I figure that out….here is my current complete list of goals. (I may end up moving my blog to wordpress if I cannot figure this and a few other things out!)

  • Lose 25 LBS COMPLETE
  • Lose 50 LBS COMPLETE!!!!!
  • Lose 75 LBS by June 12th
  • Lose 100 LBS
  • unpack and wear the smaller sizes COMPLETE
  • HAVE to buy new clothes ALMOST there…smaller sizes are getting me by
  • complete a ropes course
  • Do 2 legs of a triathlon
  • LOSE 125 LBS
  • Lose 150 LBS
  • Lose 175 LBS
  • Lose 200 LBS…reach maintenance level
  • Be able to borrow someone else’s clothes
  • Run 5K straight by end of summer 2009
  • Complete a full triathlon…by myself
  • SKYDIVING
  • Sweat Like Coach!
  • Wear Adam’s snow pants

And then of course there are the ones Adam added to my list for me. So these are Adam’s goals for me.

  • white water rafting/kayaking (sure why not!)
  • skiing with Adam-he says he will teach me!
  • solo sail around the world-I will not do this…unless I can take someone with me…too lonely!
  • go BASE jumping-umm no thanks
  • play rock band drums on expert (this will be checked off this weekend….fortunately he did not specify what % I needed to get correct!)
  • Play the trumpet- I have done this….in Jr. High…but he/I want to learn again…and then I have to play for him…I can do this!
  • do a flip off the diving board….YIKES…we will see
  • Clean the Medema Mansion-Been there done that…he is just trying to get out of chores!
  • do a handstand-he didn’t specify land or water..so I say I this is COMPLETE!
  • go surfing
  • lay on a bed of nails- um no…you first
  • walk across burning coals- again..you first Adam!
  • blow bubbles- Bubbles will be blown this weekend!
  • tight rope walk the Grand Canyon- as long as I can be harnessed in and have a rope above and below me…ok

The big 5-0!

Well, it has been a crazy dark week. But Sunday I began making some actual progress on my climb out of a very steep, black hole and by Monday after a day of fasting was able to hoist my leg over the edge and just HANG ON!

I even managed to work out yesterday! Did a 2 mile run/walk (which I am sad to say I have not worked out in a little bit) followed by a lap of walking lunges….I have never done this, but figured I should try and do SOMETHING for a strength workout. My thighs BURNED!!!! Then I walked another couple laps until the track closed. I felt great and while I was tempted to go an nibble…just a bite of what mom made for dinner. I held strong to my fast. 1. Because i refused to give in ….again. 2. Because I HATE what mom made for dinner last night….it is the worst tasting and least healthy meal on earth! Thank God she didn’t make my favorite meal, it would have been harder to stand firm!

Today I woke up, rather grumpily and with a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am not sure if the nausea was from not falling asleep until after midnight and having to be up at 6:30. Or because I was soo hungry from fasting. Or if it was nerves for my weigh in. I am thinking it was a combination of all 3 things. Regardless, I wen to my weigh in the whole way wondering if there is a way to legitimately procrastinate this…and yet not wanting to do that either. I stepped on the scale and was SHOCKED to see 303.8. A loss??? What???

“Hey scale! Do you know that umm I didn’t exercise but one day last week? or that I ate horribly and was constantly starting over?”

For the record the scale did not respond. I stayed on the scale an extra long time though because I kind of thought that maybe it just wasn’t done moving up. You know like maybe the numbers got stuck for a second and would keep moving again in a minute or so? Well if they were stuck, they were stuck good. I even got off and on again…just in case you know!

So, for the record. I must not have done as bad as I thought eating wise, despite the amount of battling inside. Perhaps I won more battles than I lost??? Sure didn’t feel like it…but I guess this is where the scale feedback comes in. I lost 3.2 lbs this week. and have officially reached my 50 LB milestone!

YIPPEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORRAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

Now, to get under 300…then on to 75 lbs! Can I do 75 by June 12th? (first wedding of the season?)

Losing for Life!

A couple weeks ago, my cousin called me up while I was out with friends and started talking about TBL, my weight loss, the Pound for Pound Challenge and a Pregnancy Resource Center that her mom works at. Somehow, she combined all of these things and started talking about how for every pound I lose, she is going to donate $1 to the AAA Pregnancy Resource Center. My response? Uummm ok, great!?!!! She proceeded to talk (mind you I was sitting in a bar, having a beer with friends and was only partially hearing all of what she was saying!). She went on to talk about a Facebook Group and how she wants to invite all of her friends and family (which is also MY family) to join her in this. My response….umm ok…but hey I gotta go, we will talk more tomorrow…

I hung up the phone and realized what I just said yes to! My weight loss journey is about to become far more public than ever before. It is one thing to have this blog, where sure it is technically open to the whole world, but it is very limited still as far as who in my “real” world knows about it and still to this day, my brother is the only family to know about it! I wasn’t sure exactly how this would work, but I did know that this organization was now going to be depending on my weight loss for a portion of their funding. Talk about significance! OK! So I SAY I want to make a difference…and then it is like God saying…”Game on!”

The next morning, this Facebook Group was up and running. It took me a week and a half to invite my friends to it and I am just now writing about it on here. And today, I was doing my first official weigh in for this challenge? I am not sure what to call it. So, in addition to writing here, I will be posting in the FB group, and once a month I will be posting a picture of the scale on the FB group! Craziness!! Who knew that my weight loss would ever become something bigger than me and about something more than me! SO here we go!

Today I went to visit this Pregnancy Resource Center. One because I was invited by my Aunt and secondly because I thought I should have a better understanding of what they do…for when I want to give up! I am in awe of what they do. I got to see my Aunt’s face light up as she talked about all that she does there, the women that come in, and they get to help them make the best possible choice.

Often times places such as this are villianized as a place that uses strong arm tactics or scare tactics to convince women that they should never have an abortion. While this organization promotes abstinence and does not advocate or give any kind of referral for abortion, they do not use gruesome photos of aborted fetuses or even gruesome descriptions of the abortion process to dissuade women from this choice. Instead, they step in and walk along side a woman, always recognizing the choice they have to make is never, ever easy. It is not something to be taken lightly or without careful consideration. They provide free counseling, education, pregnancy tests, and even sonograms. They have a store filled with all the necessities a child would need. Diapers, wipes, clothing, car seats, swings, formula, shoes, etc. They even have gas cards if there is cash available to purchase them. All of these things are purchased with tokens provided by the center. The tokens are earned by taking classes on things such as parenting skills, breast-feeding, money management and budgeting. They can also earn tokens for completing Bible Studies or going to a church service of their choice.

Here is the amazing thing. ALL of this is provided through donations. There is no federal or state funding available for this organization. I imagine there could be, if they were willing to compromise their values, but since they are not it is all run off of donations and volunteers. There are only 3 paid staff and 2 of those are part time. There are at least 20 regular volunteers who help organize the donations, staff the store, teach classes, provide counseling, and answer phones. As for funding, much of their funding comes from individuals and churches who support their work. But much of it comes from their “bottle drives”. They pass out baby bottles and have people fill them with their change. Often churches will have diaper drives or “baby showers” to help restock the store. All of this is soo incredible!

While there I saw one woman come in with her young child. She apparently has a hard time understanding the bible, so she has been allowed to watch videos on the Bible for her Bible studies. She was soo excited to have recently watched a video about prayer and was telling my Aunt that she was disappointed that they couldn’t find the video on Matthew last time she was in. The women who come here are varied. Some are married others are not. Some are lower income and need the resources this place provides. Others are in crisis and need to make some really hard decisions. But all of them, regardless of their status or station in life, need someone to listen to them, to walk with them, and to not judge them. They all at some point may need a hug or a hand, and there is an army of volunteers ready to offer that and so much more.

I know this is long but I wanted to tell you about this amazing organization and the hope that it is providing. If you are on Facebook, and are interested in joining this group, look up “pound for a cause, just a dollar!” You can choose to donate less than a dollar if you need to. Even a quarter per pound lost would be an end result of almost 45 dollars when I reach my goal weight! $45 for the Center will provide almost 5 $10 gas cards. or 8 $5 gift cards for the local consignment shop. SO it makes a difference. If you are not on FB, you of course see my weight loss updates and can go directly to the Center website and donate that way!

Ok so here are some pictures that I took today then I am done with this post!!

Aunt Jan with 2 volunteers in the store!


Some of the books/videos available for “sale” in the store!

A couple volunteers, busy counting and prepping the inventory, eventually a couple ladies came in to “shop” with their tokens!


On the right are things like shoes and onsies packaged into sets of 3 or baggies of socks or bibs.

A local church just did their annual diaper drive. While diapers are stacked floor to ceiling on this wall as well as the opposing wall…and more in my aunts office plus the stock that is already in the store, in about 2 months this supply will be depleted and they will be scrambling for more!

This is a primary source of the Center’s Funding. While there, a local ministry brought these in. There are probably 50 bottles in here full of change ready to be counted and spent!

Here is one last crazy thing that just shows the desperate need of this ministry in this place at this time in history. About 1 mile away is another kind of crisis pregnancy center. This one actually provides abortions. Last year, this place was cited for improper disposal of “medical waste”. This medical waste was not used syringes or bloody bandages. But rather it was aborted fetuses. I am not going to describe what I saw in the newspaper article that I read about this finding, but let me just say it was clearly not just a blob of tissue. If the Center that my Aunt works at was not there, there would not be an alternative that not only educates but walks with a woman as she lives out her choice!

My first non-loss of 2009

Hmmm…I should warn you that this will be a long post…but all my posts end up long. I should probably only warn you if it is gonna be short, so you don’t think something is missing 🙂

On 3/3 I weighed in at 312.5. On 3/13 I weighed in a couple days late from my normal Tuesday weigh in because I was out of town and weighed 307.1 (loss of 5.4). Today I weighed in and weighed 308.5. Yes folks I gained 1.4 lbs. This is the first time in 09 that I have not lost. Not only did I not lose, but I gained.

I wish I could say that I ate well all week and was faithful in my exercise every single day. I wish I could chalk it up to my body not cooperating or water weight gain or some other thing that I don’t really have control over. But I can’t. Not without lying.

There are several factors that contributed to this gain. All of them controllable by me, which is what makes me not disappointed or discouraged, but rather pissed off…at myself. I let circumstances play too huge a role in my decisions and clearly my choices have consequences.

1. On Saturday I went to a baby shower where I ate the food provided. I didn’t really overeat here, but I didn’t make the best choices of what was laid before me. Then I added cake to the mix and ice cream. At the time, I was ok with things here because even people who are healthy eat unhealthy things at times and are ok. It is taking it to extremes that is unhealthy. I had 3 bites of cake and probably the same of the ice cream and decided I was done.

2. Later I went to a a Euchre party at my Aunt’s house. My plan, since I had already eaten alot at the baby shower was to grab Subway on my way…and not eat the party food. Well, I couldn’t find the Subway, so I got really frustrated and just went to the party trying to convince myself I wasn’t really hungry anyway, and I can just not eat anything there. That plan fell apart within minutes of my arrival. My uncle made me a Yummy drink (pineapple juice and rum….and Yes I do drink on occasion)

A strange dynamic happens for me at this house. They all think I am the “good girl”. I don’t drink and I never do anything wrong. Yeah right! I am human people! But seriously they have this image of me that I don’t do anything wrong, so if they see me with a drink in hand, they are quite shocked and comment on my goodness, whatever that is. So for some reason when here, I feel like I am always trying to show them how not good I am. I know strange, right? Who doesn’t want to be perceived as good? Well, when it is almost pedestal like, I don’t like it…and I try to keep jumping off the pedestal.

So the conversation throughout the night with various people at various times was…how “good” I was and how much weight I have lost and how good I look. So I ended up drinking more than I “should” which just helped me to toss my good intentions towards eating out the window and eat while drinking…and while amongst my inner circle and on this blog my weight is talked about often, it seems different somehow and all the talk about how “good” I look was actually wearing on me after a while.

All that to say, I made really poor choices for a large variety of possible reasons. I have no idea what I consumed this day in eating…but my drinks alone were at least 900 calories…by the time I was done. That is HALF of my allotted calories for 1 day…so I am POSITIVE i was over..by ALOT.

3. I was excited about possibly hitting my 50 lb marker and being able to check that off my goal list. I realize 50 lbs is a lot and it is 1/4 of my total goal and is a big deal!! I also know that in any given weight loss attempt I have never made it beyond 60 lbs. The last time I stopped losing weight, in hindsight, it was comments about how good I was looking that sent me over the edge. Back then I had not even begun to look seriously at my sexual abuse issues beyond knowing that it definitely has had an impact. So as I approach 50 lbs, the comments are starting, and there are fears about whether I have what it takes to go farther than ever before…and to finish what I started. But because of my past I have to question whether there is any self-sabotaging going on. I have been thinking about this all day and I am still not sure. But I cannot ignore the question. Part of me thinks that on some level yes, there was some self-sabotaging. If it was, I don’t think it accounted it all.

I am not giving up! I am not discouraged! I am pissed off! This time IS different. I am asking myself hard questions in the face of this gain. I am not avoiding reality or making excuses for why the scale says what it says. The scale has served its purpose this week. It has given me feedback about the realities of the choices I made. By listening to the feedback, asking the questions, not succumbing to despair, and letting people in to where I am at…it just proves that I am different. I am growing in health…physically, mentally and spiritually….and that my friends is what I am after. Whole health.

I will leave you with a quote from Aaron. He said this to me in November via email, which ironically was the last time I think I had a gain and I was discouraged because that time, I had done everything right. I found it this week before I found out I gained and actually used it to encourage someone else. It is fitting and timely for this as I continue to pursue whole health, despite my gain.

“This journey is about more than just weight! It is about a wholly healthy you (spiritually and physically). If you made good eating choices, were diligent about hitting the gym, and humble before God this week and still gained a little then no worries. Weight is one measure of progress, but your heart is a truer one.” Aaron

10,000 feelings!

What a lovely day! Full of soo many emotions!For those who don’ know me personally, this is a big deal and something to be celebrated!

It started out a bit rough, I got some sad news late last night from a friend and I fell asleep praying for him and just feeling sad about some things. I woke the same way, with this friend on my mind and wondering how it is that things turn out the way they do. Then I just got angry. Satan is such a liar and a thief and destroyer. Stupid…evil…!@#$%

Then I got mail! I opened my email to find a sneak peek teaser clip of my audition video sent to me for my viewing pleasure. Can I just say, that ABS (film guy) is a genius! A 30 second clip and if I wasn’t sold on trusting him to put my story in film before…I do now! Happiness, excitement, anticipation, joy!

Then…I got a phone call from Nicole! Would I like to go to Kensington for a walk with her and baby Nic? Heck Yeah! Kensington is my absolute favorite park in East Michigan and it is a gorgeous day! So we went for a walk…a 3.5 mile walk. It is amazing how walking that far seems like so little when…1. You are in the presence of a good friend and 2. you are in decent shape, despite the size. When we ended, I looked at my pedometer and told her how far we had walked…and both of us were surprised! SO easy! While on the walk…we decided that Spring is a lovely time of year in Michigan. It is like the earth is waking up. Walking this same path in winter…all you hear is the crunch of your feet on snow….but now…NOW you hear the birds chirping, the woodpeckers pecking, the squirrels chattering. We saw a muskrat in the river…and the best part…2 cranes decided to walk down the same path we were on. They were heading towards us…and like any polite couple on a walk….moved off to the side and walked off path (3 feet away) as they passed us. We turned to watch as they moved back on the path as they passed us and just continued down the path….like this is NORMAL!!! Absolute delight in God’s creation, peace, joy, comfort, love, surprised.

I came home from this lovely time to be able to find my friend Lisa from Kosovo online and I was able to chat with her for a bit. We talked about some things going on in Kosovo with some of the kids there that just made me angry again at the deceitfulness of Satan and how he just never gives up. The thing is…he just doesn’t know what he has unleashed in me…by messin‘ with my people!!! Then somehow we got on a topic of my story (abuse story). I am still not sure how this happened, but it was so good to talk to her about these things. It must have been a God thing! So good! anger, love, comfort, peace, healing.

Had some dinner…worried about my weigh in tomorrow. Thought briefly about not eating anything tonight and just waiting to eat again until after the weigh in tomorrow…but dismissed that thought pretty quick. Regardless of the scale, I am after total health…and that kind of mentality and behavior is not healthy. I would love it if I lost at least 1.1 lbs this week as then I will officially be at the 50 lb mark. Nervous, anxiousness.

Then I decided to go for a run. I headed over to the state rec area by my house with a plan to run the trails there. My plan was to drive to where it meets the river then run up to the campground…which I figure is about 2 maybe 2.5 miles. If it was still light enough, I would go back…if not…I would walk home…because the campground is about a half mile from my house and have mom drive me back to get my car. So off I went. It was so pretty with the evening sky overhead peeking through the bare trees. I have decided that while trail running is harder…I think I like it best so far. I don’t seem to pay attention to time or distance. I just run until I simply cannot run anymore. Sometimes that is a long time…sometimes it is 100 yards or so. Then I walk. Peace, awe, inspired, strong.

Then, the light began to fade really fast. I looked around and realized I am not sure how far I have gone or how much further to the campground. I have never been on this trail before and in the fading light I began to panic that what if I am not on the path I think I am. What if I am not heading towards the campground at all. I went forward for a little longer thinking I need to decide. Am I going to keep going or not? If not I need to turn back now (or 10 minutes ago) to make sure I get back to my car and don’t get lost in the woods at night. I chose to turn back. I began to run but I could not run faster than the fading light. I could no longer see the mud slicks that I managed to avoid on the way out, so I began to slip and slide. Then as I was still trying to avoid mud, I was tripping over twigs and sticks, that I swear were not on the path on my way out. With panic beginning to set in my mind began to race, my heart began to pump with adrenaline as the full realization of the stupidity of this situation hit me. Clearly someone had followed behind me putting sticks and stones in my path to trip me up, right? I began to think of all the horrors that happen to women on dark lonely paths. I realized how alone I was…and how stupid this idea was to do this so close to dark! THEN my mind decided to remind me that a few years back, a young woman did get raped and killed in these very woods. Granted it was by her boyfriend that she had broken up with and he didn’t like that very much…but still. I ran faster. I ran until I couldn’t breathe and absolutely HAD to walk lest I pass out. I walked as fast as I could until I was able to breathe again then I took off running. Based on a pure estimate, I think I made it back to my car in half the time it took me to get out there. It is amazing how fast adrenaline can make you go when you feel like your very life might depend on it! I got back and in the light of the car, I was able to see my pedometer. 3 miles. Which means that I was closer to home than to my car when I decided to turn back. Ironic! Terror, fear, relief.

I got home in time to see that my mom had a TV show on called “How I met your Mother”….or something like that. Which I had noticed on Facebook earlier that a friend of mine was going to be on that show. She had told us what to watch for..as she is an extra. If you watched this show…my friend Tamara was the woman on the TV screen that was having a baby and one of the main characters delivered it. It was quite cool to see her on TV! Pleasure, joy, happiness, excitement, pride.

Now…I am feeling silly for writing all this out. But all in all…I did 6.5 miles today. Pride, accomplished, strong.

I’ve GOT this Thang!

Wow, What a feeling!

ok so we all know, if you are a regular reader here, that I have lost 43.5 lbs. What you don’t know is that I am still wearing my same clothes. When I wear my jeans I just belt’em up real good and my shirts are just baggy. My gym clothes…well who cares if they fit or not…as long as they are still staying up when I run that is all I care about. I do have some clothes in reserve from the last time I lost weight, but I have been kind of afraid to pull those out, just in case they don’t fit yet.

Tonight, a friend and I were talking about weddings that are coming up and I was thinking that I would have to get some new clothes for sure by then. Wondering how much weight I can lose between now and June to look my absolute finest. My friend has some weight to lose, but less than I, so her clothes of course are smaller than mine…and she has some great dresses (although wrong color for me). I pulled out one of her dresses and tried it on tonight. Wow! What a feeling to put on a dress that is 3 sizes smaller than my last known for sure size…and have it fit….really well!!!

Doing a happy dance….but not a Zumba dance! 🙂 hehehehe HAHAHAHA HOHOHOHO HEHEHEHEH