The Proverbial Wagon

**DISCLAIMER: I have had a couple of drinks tonight and probably should NOT be writing, however, I have wanted to write about this for a while but have not. I have let other things stop me and in this moment I simply don’t care to let those things bother me, so write I will. I have not written about this because on the one hand I didn’t want Demond to know I was upset or struggling at all and because I don’t want to even appear to talk bad about someone I love dearly. But the truth is, blogging/writing helps me process. This blog started out for me as a place to process and I am not about to let the thought that he MIGHT read this interfere with what I do to process my life.

Short Story: Since just after Nashville, I am officially no longer training with Demond, although the reality is that the breakup probably occurred 2 weeks before Nashville 2011.

Long Story: I don’t even know how to write out this saga without getting really upset because the truth is, I am not completely sure what happened. I mean, I know the facts but none of it makes sense and I have spent the last few weeks sad and discouraged and trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could fix it all. But the reality is, I don’t think I did anything wrong. I questioned my trainer and asked for clarification on some things. That is all. And somehow, that was the wrong thing to do.

I have gone from grieving the loss of not only another trainer, but someone I thought was a friend, someone who said we were family and that we work through things together. Someone who said they would be with me in my journey until the end…and now they are not…and I am no longer sad about this. I am pissed off.

I am angry that things happened the way they did. I am angry that he did not seem to want to try to work things out. I am angry that his last communication to me was to never speak to him again. I am angry that I put so much trust in one person. I am angry that I didn’t trust myself more along the way. But mostly I am angry that I have let this situation…derail me.

Picture the proverbial wagon. I am in the wagon, riding along…everything seems fine, then out of no where, I am told I am unfocused and that I am doing things that are counterproductive (running) to my goals.

In trying to understand what was meant by these statements all sorts of drama unfolded. I hung tight in my seat though on this wagon, through Nashville, because I WAS focused. I was focused on living a healthy lifestyle and LIVING an active life.

As I continued to ride though, I was forced to make a decision about whether I wanted to continue to train with Demond or not and I chose not to. I know it seems like a big jump to go from having questions to deciding to leave him but there is ALOT I am not saying…and the issue for me came down to trust. I no longer trusted him…and how can you work with someone on such an intimate struggle without that?

I still clung to that wagon, although I was now bouncing around in the back with no driver in the seat. I was in a runaway wagon that was no longer on a clear marked path…and I got bounced out. I went to my all time comfort of food to cope as I sat in the dust and licked my wounds and felt sorry for myself. I cried. I placed blame on myself and others. I ate. Uncontrollably. It has been YEARS since I have been this bad on this front.

And now, I am pissed off. While the choices I have made since getting bounced out of the wagon are absolutely mine to own, the stuff leading up to it, was not mine. I have carried it long enough.

It all ends here. I am standing up and chasing after that blasted wagon. I have an appointment scheduled with a potential new trainer next week. His words have brought hope to me as we have communicated by email so far.

And I am cautiously optimistic. There is a TON of questions to be answered before I sign on with any new trainer…but I am actively looking…and in the meantime…I start again on a good plan tomorrow morning of healthy eating and living. I know enough about exercise and nutrition to get started…again.

What is that up ahead in the distance? Is that MY wagon??


6 thoughts on “The Proverbial Wagon

  1. Well my dear, I can and will say that I am sorry you feel that things ended this way as it is nor never were my intentions to put anyone in this state. I am not going to give a million reasons through blogging or emailing trying to justify why things ended as they did. What I will do is let you know that families do have disagreement’s and yes, families do stop speaking at times however, families NEVER stop being families. Remember, we agreed to put the ball in your court until things were sorted out and that ball is still in your court but rest assured that I will be here good, bad, or indifferent.
    There are things that you do not email or make a phone call to discuss especially if these things are of a personal nature. I say to you, if there is absolutely anything at all that you wish to discuss, I will drop what I am doing and make myself more than available to listen.
    Now, I do not endorse the drinking or bad eating habits one bit and for this, my prayers and support are with you. What I do support is you getting motivated again and pushing forward. I want to see you happy regardless of where we are!
    Believe me, I have been keeping up with your trials, tribulations, and many great hurdles throughout this time. I still read your blogs. I still keep tabs on your progress. I still try to make sure that you are doing the right thing. The question at hand is what do WE do to avoid situations as such?
    If and when you’re ready to chat I am here and in the meanwhile, good luck with all future endeavors.
    We all live in a perfect world filled with imperfections and yes, I am one of the Lord’s works in progress so I am far from perfect. I will make mistakes as will any other person you come in contact with thus, I can only ask your forgiveness and let you know that my prayers are always with you.

  2. kimmy,
    I am so proud of you for this post. I know this has been a struggle for a long time for you. I do believe that you know what it best for you and your body and your journey and you need to trust your instincts. Only you know for sure what will help and hurt and your body will tell you the truth.
    as for your heart, it may be hurting, it may be angry but this too shall pass. As you know my philosophy is everything happens for a reason and this is just one more of those happenings. it will all work out.
    love always,

  3. BTW, for clarification…I was NOT on a drinking binge last night…I simply had a couple drinks with my brothers while we played pool 🙂

  4. Pingback: Why This Is Working | The Road to Beautiful

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