When Hope Happens

A couple of weeks ago, I had all the kiddos over for the night.  In fact, it was the same night that the previous post came out of.  While getting ready for work on a Friday morning, I had just weighed in and discovered a 3lb loss.  Can you believe I was mildly bummed?  I thought to myself, “Kim, since when is a 3lb loss a small loss to you?”

Oh, I know.  When Leif showed me that my body wasn’t broken and actually had the potential to lose 8 lbs in one week!!

I have worked really hard to not have any expectations for this process.  I have tried really hard to stay detached from it and to simply follow the plan and let Leif worry about everything else.  4 Years of disappointment with my body has taught me to not have any long term expectations of losses. At the same time, I have tried to not get super excited on the good weeks either.  If history repeats itself, it won’t last right?

We are on week 7 now and the 2 weeks following that amazing 3 lb loss I gained 1 and lost 1.  It is difficult to to not go to the dark place that perhaps my wacky thoughts are true.  It is difficult to NOT drown in disappointment.  It is a daily fight to remain neutral on either of these spectrums of emotion.  The spectrum that ranges from hope….to disappointment.  It is difficult to NOT write scathing emails to Leif reminding him that I told him so, that my body was F’d up!

I keep reminding myself, sometimes daily and sometimes moment by moment, that I promised him and myself 20 weeks to let him do his thing.  20 weeks to figure out my body.  20 weeks to do something that no one else has been able to do.  For 20 weeks, I would simply follow the plan and let him worry about changes.

Here is the dilemma.

  •  I am a control freak.  This works for me and against me in Leif’s plans.  His plans  are very calculated and controlled.  Every bite is measured and weighed.  This works for my need for control.  However, they are HIS plans and I have no control over them.  I cannot change them.  I have to trust this man whom I have never even spoken verbally to, to come up with plans for my body that will hopefully yield results.
  • Hope happened.  I didn’t want to hope in this process.  Like I said, I have worked really hard to be neutral about it all.   I know hope happened though because I have felt a lot of disappointment, especially these last couple of weeks and I know you can’t know disappointment without first knowing hope.   Hope feels good, but man disappointment, well, it hurts.  And once you know it, you can’t un-know it!

So, now I have hope.  Leif keeps changing things each week.  Sometimes they are big changes and sometimes they are small ones.  Sometimes they are nutritional only changes and sometimes they are workout related changes.  I am learning that although I can’t count on my body to do what I hope for or even expect (especially when I am near perfect in following the plan) I can count on an email before I go to bed on weigh in day of what I need to change for the next week.  I can count on Leif analyzing my results and figuring out a course of action.

So, for now, I will work to trust that…and I will work to remember the words of my niece that Friday morning as I got ready for work.  “Auntie, I think you shrunk!”  I will also work to remember that in 6 weeks I am down 18 lbs.  The 7 year old just might be seeing some truth that I don’t see yet.  Perhaps I should listen to the wisdom of a child.


2 thoughts on “When Hope Happens

  1. Kim, I have to reply to your post. It is beautifully articulated as per usual. This road we are on is an emotional rollercoaster, for sure. You are quite wonderfully expressing the raw emotions that so many of us have experienced along the way. And, you are an inspiration to all in doing so.

    I, too, struggled mightily to give up the control and just follow the plan (Leif’s plan) as laid out for me. Some days it was easier than others. In an 8 lb week, easy. In a -1 or +1 – not easy! The thing I kept telling myself is that this is science and that is his thing, not mine. And practicing giving up the control to someone who knows best and can lead me home…well that was the very best thing I could possibly do – in part because it worked, but in larger part because well – I learned how to give up control! And that is a very positive and important thing. 🙂

    Hope is an amazing motivator and you hang on to it, girl. Just place it in the right context. Have hope in the larger plan and picture and there is no question you will succeed in the long-run. Day to day, it is tougher when you use the numbers on the scale as your guide. But remember me? I too used the scale as my guide week to week and rode that emotional rollercoaster up and down with the numbers. I had my freak-out moments – read my blog or ask Leif! But in the end by following hte plan and staying the course, I lost 43% body fat and ended up at 18.5% – the stuff of women athletes. This proved to me that it is not the number on the scale that matters but the body fat percentage which is likely moving in the right direction whether the scale is or not when follow the plan.

    So my dear, I am here to tell you that you are right where you need to be right now and it is the journey itself that is the greatest gift. These downs will teach you so much more than the ups and you will appreciate them more and more as you find your way.

    Keep up the amazing work. It works when you work it. And you are doing great! Thanks for your post. I love it.

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