Nights like this seem to be coming more frequently. Nights where I lay awake cursing God for healing my heart and opening me up to feeling everything all at once. This is night 2 of laying awake in sheer exhaustion from turning all my feelings around in my heart and trying to silence the questions and longings that fill my head and my heart together. I know I should be grateful that I feel because to feel is to be alive, right? But sometimes it is so incredibly painful that I just wonder if the healing was worth it. I long for the days when I could numb out and simply not feel…and yet I don’t.
Nights like this I lay wondering…who am I? What am I about? Where is my commitment? Do I have what it takes? Will I ever be done? Am I sabotaging myself? Am I making the right decisions? Is there a better way? A different way? What does it all matter for anyway? Am I destined to be fat forever? Am I brave enough? Am I strong enough? What is my purpose? What is my life about? Do I have anything to give? What the heck are my interests outside of trying to lose weight these days anyway? WHO AM I? What am I afraid of? what is my biggest fear? Is God even there? Does He even see me anymore or has He left me all alone? Where is my faith? Maybe I should just quit? Do I have the courage to press on? What is getting in my way? What is in me that doesn’t want to be thin and healthy and beautiful? What are my dreams? Do I have any anymore? Can I even see beyond this current obstacle? When will enough be enough? Who am I? I feel so alone in all of this. Who can understand me when I don’t understand myself and can’t even begin to explain. I miss having friends around on a daily basis. I miss GR. I miss my friends, really. Where is the girl who can be so focused? Has that focus become my downfall? Has that focus just left me isolated from life? Why do I take one step forward and two steps back every time? What happened to the girl Coach calls “hardcore” and “champ” and “tenacious”? As much as I know about TBL behind the scenes, I wonder if i should apply again, perhaps that is the only place that can make my body shift out of this? Do I really want that method? I don’t know. How do I not worry? How does one simply let go of control? How do you let go of numbers? Numbers don’t lie.(No, I have not gotten on the scale outside of my last weigh in). Am I too much? Not enough? My friends have gotta be tired of this storyline in my life, I know I am…I wonder once again if this time is different or will it be like all the other times in years past? If I am sabotaging myself, it would be nice to know how and why so I could fix it? What is wrong with me? What still needs to be fixed inside of me? Why does my body want to hold on to something so bad for me? What is my heart holding on to? God, where are you when I feel like I need you most?
I don’t have answers to any of these thoughts and questions. I don’t know how to stop the flood of fears and doubts and worries and sadness and loneliness and….tears.
All I know is I am too stubborn to quit and yet I am weary…afraid…homesick…disbelieving…distrusting…lacking faith…anxious…
On nights like this, the thoughts just keep coming and I go round and round…with no answers to be found. At least not any that I like. It is now 1 AM and I am no closer to answers or sleep…but I suppose I should at least close my eyes and try.