He Said YES!! And The Great Sadness

OK, first of all I am super excited!  Demond pushed me on Saturday and tested out my knee and finally determined I can do the Turkey Trot!  Yeah, I still cried with the good news!

So today, I went for my first run outside since the BHBH run in early October and my first run of any kind since my initial knee injury.  I headed for my beloved trails and wanted to see how quickly I could pull out a mile on land.  I pulled out a 15 minute mile, interval style.  Not bad.  However, due to some poor decisions the night before(girls night out and waay too much wine), I was quite dehydrated I think and my quads were already tight from more silly decisions the night before….so all of this resulted in some MAJOR leg and side cramps the whole way.  It was a rather painful 1 mile run, but I have never been more happy to be able to run!

Yesterday’s workout with Demond was…great!  It was good to see him again and to get re-energized with some new stuff to do.  He had me push out a mile on the Octane in just over 7 minutes.  Hella hard!  He does NOT let me breathe!  It is ridonkulous!  Then we headed over to the weight room and did a whole round of stuff there.  WHo knew that spreading your arms wide and bringing your hands together for 1 minute would be so difficult and whine producing!

I gotta say, this is why I DON’T watch myself in the mirror when working out.  While doing the arm thing I was wearing a tank top and all I could see was the hanging, underside of my arms flapping back and forth.  I kid you not, I could have sailed a boat with these arms of mine!  LOL

From there, we moved back to the cardio room where he put me on the treadmill and did walking intervals with the incline increasing by 2 every 2 minutes until we got to incline level 12!!  Might as well have been climbing a mountain folks!  To distract me, I made him tell me his story of becoming a trainer…dude, I THOUGHT he had a lot of experience…but umm no….he DOES have a lot of experience…I am pleased with my choice…still…so far! 🙂

The Great Sadness

So frequent followers or long-term followers know that in September I had a pretty major meltdown, took a weekend off to regroup and refocus and started again.  I was doing some journaling the other day and I was reading some stuff I had written over the last couple of months and I am realizing that while September was the height of things in that area, I am continuing to struggle emotionally.  It seems that while there are positive and happy moments and things going on, everything seems to have this dark cloud of gloom or sadness cast over it.  Everything positive gets tagged with a “but” after it in my head.

  • Sure you wore a new outfit last night that you bought a year ago and couldn’t wear…but you have still gained weight.
  • Yes!  I get to run the turkey trot but…your not doing the 10K like last year
  • Yes! I have a new trainer who in all logic looks like he could really help me make some progress, but I don’t fully believe it will happen.

Those are just a few and in the last couple of days I think I am finally starting to see what is what and to call it by name and in reality it kinda scares me.

I think I may be struggling with depression.  There.  I have said it.  I can’t take it back.

If I was able to shake it off after a couple of days I would chalk the crazy crying, the lack of motivation, the desire to simply sleep when I am not actively busy and committed to someone else, up to PMS or a bad couple of days.  But really, after looking at my journal, it has been several months.

I realized in September, after logging into an old email account and finding a bunch of old emails between Coach and I, that this weight loss journey has really been going on for about 5 years now, not the 2 I claim!  It has just been the last 2 that I have been most consistent with it.

That is a long time guys.  And in reality, it is hard to believe that my body will ever change when for a year and a half it hasn’t gone in the right direction.  I KNOW that I need to have more faith.  I need to trust.  I need to cast my cares upon God.  I know that if I just keep going things will have to change at some point.  I know that the scale is not the only measure of progress.  I know that despite no weight loss, I have reduced my cholesterol from borderline high and heading towards possible medication to smack in the middle of normal range.  I know these things.  I also know that I can do more today than I could 2 years ago.  I know I am getting stronger every day.  I know that I now have more than one muscle.  Trust me.  I see and know all these things.  I am constantly pointing them out to myself when the thoughts of doubt and despair come.

But I also know that 2 years ago when I agreed to walk with God down that healing path from the childhood sexual abuse, I also had hopes that once I completed that part of the journey, the lbs would begin to melt off of me, since  I have come to believe it was those events that initiated the weight gain as a child.  The reality is, that I lost weight while walking through that process and when that process ended for me and I stopped being angry with God over a lot of that stuff and chose to begin trusting Him fully, I stopped losing weight.  I don’t know if it is a coincidence or if I really do have a demon on my back seeking to take me out of this.  If so, he’s got another thing coming.

No matter how sad or disappointed I am in the struggle of the last 2 years and beyond, I refuse to give up.  The shadow may linger, but I cannot let it consume me.

While I KNOW in my head this is not true, it FEELS like God doesn’t really care about this aspect of my life.  It feels like He was ever so present during the whole heart healing/abuse healing phase of all of this and since then it feels like he has kinda left me on my own again to battle this out without Him. Frankly, it pisses me off.  It doesn’t exactly help with the trust factor.  I know there are a whole lot of lies in here that are twisting truth around for me.  I just don’t know how to untangle them all and really I am too tired of trying to.  It is easier to just keep plugging along…

Ugh, I know I am rambling and may need to pick this up again later.  For now, I just thought I would share where I was at.  But for now, I promised Demond I would be in bed by 10 PM each night.

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5 thoughts on “He Said YES!! And The Great Sadness

  1. It’s odd how we think we know what we’re doing and we think we’re on a certain path and yet, that path still manages to surprise us. I am not sure I’ll ever get used to that.
    I commend you for identifying your struggles. Depression is not something to be ashamed of and should you choose to see someone to help you sort it out, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about either. It is all about the journey you’re in at the moment, and you have the right to not have to walk through it alone.

  2. Kim continue to put your faith in the Lord and trust all that he does! No good thing will the Lord withhold from those who walk with intergrity. I will walk with you every step of the way but the Lord, he will carry you when you feel that you can not go on!
    Look ahead to where you are going, not back at where you were. See the positive ahead and leave the negative where it belongs, behind you my dear. Every day is another new and wonderful change and there are many more to come!

  3. Oh friend, I am just now catching up on blogs and wish I had read this earlier in the week so I could text the heck out of you! (Still can, right?? lol) I KNOW what it is to struggle with depression. God knows, too. And instead of viewing this post as being full of lies, I view it as you being HONEST with God about your anger and struggle and depression and doubt. And you know what? He can totally take it. He wants ALL of us – not just when we are trusting and walking the path, but when we are doubting and angry and confused. So keep working through the struggle in your mind; keep giving it ALL to God, and know that he does not call us to be ashamed when we struggle or doubt or get angry, but to be honest with him and cast our burdens on him. Your anger? He wants it. Your honesty? He wants it. Your doubt, fear, anticipation, dread, excitement, hope, uncertainty, all of it. He wants ALL of you.

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