This weekend I have decided to take a Facebook sabbatical in an effort to gain some perspective by eliminating distraction from spending some much-needed time writing and processing some things out. At the rate things are going, I am not sure how long I will last. This social butterfly is feeling pretty isolated from the online community that encourages each other most and am feeling pretty crabby about it. In fact, I could go eat the entire batch of banana nut bread I made into mini loaves for future free meals, very easily right now. I never realized how much I have come to rely on my FB community for support.
So what prompted this?
This photo did. The other night, mom made me take a picture for her as she prepared to go have dinner with some long-lost cousins of hers. She wanted a current picture of me. Well, she also had some old pictures of me which were awful. Not just because of my size in them, but she managed to choose pictures of me at my worst! So I went in search of some before pictures for her that she could show her cousins. I get it. She is proud of me and wants to brag. I can’t very well steal her joy so I might as well find pictures I am willing to let people see!
In the process of searching for a couple of pictures, I ended up putting together this collage of photos. The memories of where most of these photos were taken bring me great joy!
That first pic is me dancing in delight as I was told I would get to milk a cow while in Kosova! The picture with the tank top and bib number is my first ever 5K and really the first time I did 2 legs of a triathlon relay. Coach had run it with me to ensure I ran the whole way and had just peeled off to let me finish on my own! Others are at various triathlons or the half marathons I have done. One was at the big Premiere night of my TBL audition video! What a fun night that was! The more formal looking ones were taken as photos to go with my TBL applications. The last one…is the one I took for mom.
I ended up posting this picture on FB and getting a huge response from people. It became overwhelming actually. My phone began to blow up from all the notifications of people “liking” or commenting on my picture. All very encouraging things! I should have been elated. Instead I found myself more and more sad as the day went on.
I look at this picture, and I see so many things. I see the accomplishments in the races. I remember all of the love and support I have gotten over the years from so many. I see the drastic change from even 6 months ago til now.
and I see…very clearly how little things were changing in the last 4 years, until now. I see my weight fluctuating up and down. I see all the wasted years. I see and remember how very hard the last years have been and it makes me sad. I know I SHOULD focus on the now and the fact that I have found Leif and Tate and that history is not repeating itself again. But if I am really honest, despite all the hope I have, there is a piece of me that still doubts. At least today, in these moments.
For this moment, I am sad. For this moment, I am angry that NO ONE, including doctors seem to know what Leif knows about the body and how to keep it from plateauing. I am frustrated that I had to get to the point I was before I found him, or he found me rather. For this moment, I am filled with regret.
So this is one of the primary reasons for a sabbatical. I need some time to process this in more than status update snippets where fewer people are likely to try to talk me out of my feelings or to invalidate them.
I realize they are wonky. I realize that there is a lot of BOTH/AND going on. I realize that it isn’t ALL sadness and woes, much is exciting and fun. These feelings are mine. They are real and valid and I refuse to stuff them and so I realize the need to pull back a bit and look at the big picture…and gain a little perspective.