Remembering…The Last 100 Pounds

This morning, I woke up to an email from my Doctor.  I had emailed her last night to ask her what my highest recorded weight was.  I don’t know why I did this.  I knew the answer.  356.  I also knew I was SO very close to hitting 100 pounds lost, I could taste it, and had been holding off on scheduling my annual physical because I wanted to go and have hit this milestone.

Her email response said that her charts indicate that in 2006, I weighed in with her at 368.

So many emotions hit me at once, I quickly became overwhelmed.

Oh my gosh!  I made it!, was my delighted reaction.

Oh my gosh! I was bigger than I thought!, was my regretful reaction.

Oh NO! I missed it!, was my panicked reaction as I realized that I had hit this mark a few weeks ago!

I had been anticipating this milestone for a while now, knowing I was getting close.  I finally believed it could happen and I had been dreaming of exactly how I would celebrate this momentus occasion, this obvious reflection of my hard work and commitment.   I wasn’t prepared to find out that I had already hit this huge milestone, and then to be alone on the day I found out with absolutely no plan in place for celebration and then realizing, that those which whom I would really want to celebrate with, those who have journeyed with me into the dark places of my heart so I wouldn’t get lost in there, are all far away.  So it feels very anticlimactic and yet I feel like this is a really REALLY big deal and should be given time and space.  And, even if those who know my heart well were close by, I would have no answer as to how to celebrate this at all.

So an online friend from my LAF family suggested I take some time and reflect a bit…and so I am…I am remembering the last 100 Pounds.  Perhaps in the reflection I will find what I am looking for and perhaps a lesson or 2 to be learned.  This post might get lengthy, but that’s ok.  Today’s writing is for me, and me alone.

100 pounds and counting….

2006 was the year “Coach” and I became friends.  It was also the year that I decided I was going to get serious about my weight.  I had acknowledged my issues with sexual abuse(I would soon learn that acknowledgement is not the same as dealing with it) and I knew how I hid and ran and lied about food.  Coach, and a few others were on board to help support me. 60 lbs later, I derailed. I wasn’t ready to face my sexual abuse history head on, and until I was, nothing would work.

In 2007 I half assed it.  I was kind of in but not really.  God was pursuing me to look at the issues of my heart and my past and how I used food to self protect and I was NOT letting him catch me.   Not fully anyway.  This was the year I started counseling.

2008 is where it really began.  I was caught, by God, and I surrendered.  I allowed myself to be led down a path towards healing and wholeness all while embarking on what I declared to be my final quest for weight loss.  I remember, the really painful days of looking at the ugliness within me and the ugliness done to me.  I remember the sweetness and the security of a few good men God placed in my life to show me that men can be safe and trustworthy and good.  I remember how well I was and am loved.  God knew I needed men to take a stand in my life FOR me and my how they did.

I remember so much joy, and celebration over the last few years.  I remember the time I found the courage to do one leg of a triathlon.  Then 2 legs the following year and Coach ran with me to make sure I didn’t walk.  I remember dragging Adam to all sorts of aerobics, yoga, and Pilates classes at the gym. I remember the rallying of friends who said friends don’t let friends run alone and drove with me to TN for my first and 2nd half marathon.  I remember doing my first full triathlon.

And I remember all of this being overshadowed by the fact that no matter what I did, my body seemed to betray me at every turn.

So now, I find it unbelievable that this milestone kind of crept up on me.  In my mind, it was coming and I knew it and I was excited.  But I had a different number in my mind.  When I woke up, prior to reading the email, there was a strong possibility that I would reach that milestone today and if not, soon. In my mind, I was only 4 lbs away.   So, it was shocking to say the least to realize I had already passed this milestone.

And so now I sit in wonder.  How does one celebrate 100 lbs lost?  How does one appropriately honor the hard work, the tears, the frustration, the trust and the victory that is all wrapped up in this 3 digit number?  How does one honor the relationships that have sustained me through really hard moments?   How does one bring enough glory to a God who truly has saved me and brought me new life?  In so many ways, the need and desire to celebrate this moment has both nothing and everything to do with the number.  I don’t know that there are answers to these questions, but I am now taking suggestions.

In the meantime, these lyrics speak so much truth about my journey and how I feel in this moment.

There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I’d reached the end, baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays

This is my now and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around I can’t believe the love I see
My fear’s behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now

I had to decide, was I gonna to play it safe?
Or look somewhere deep inside, try to turn the tide
And find the strength to take that step of faith?

This is my now and I am breathing in the moment

As I look around I can’t believe the love I see
My fear’s behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now

But I have a courage like never before, yeah
I’ve settled for less, but I’m ready for more
Ready for more!

Tate, I am so ready for more. Ready to do something REALLY brave and lose this last 100.  You with me?  We have another milestone to reach my friend, 100lbs WITH YOU!


10 thoughts on “Remembering…The Last 100 Pounds

  1. Congratulations on the 100 pounds lost! This post really resonated with me because I just hit the 50 pound mark and realized that number really means nothing. It’s what’s inside of me that has changed that is so important. Anyway, yay for you! Do something good for yourself today. 🙂

  2. Congrats Kim. You are amazing. One thought that comes to my mind is to do a colleague using that song as your springboard. I’d like to see the dreams you packed away. What were the yesterdays you were made of? There may be sweet threads of yesterdays in todays stories too. What are the breaths of now? What do they look like? What were the fears of yesterday? What is the spacious place you are standing in, what surrounds you in this lucious space that you are celebrating? What are the characteristics in the love you see? I have a courage like never before-oh yeah? For what? I’m ready for more-such as?
    AWESOME JOB KIM!!! YOU are worth the celebration. It takes at least 2 to tango.

  3. Awww Kim! So proud of you! Every day without those 100 pounds is a celebration in itself! 🙂 I can’t wait for your next 100 pound post!

    On a side note–I had a very silly dream last night that you came to visit me and I was trying to make you a sandwich that would work on your plan. I think I made 800 sandwiches before I gave up and grilled you a chicken breast with a side of steamed broccoli and a handful of almonds. 🙂 Needless to say, I overslept and I am still tired 🙂

    Keep up the amazing work my friend!

  4. Oh Kim, this is a stunningly beautiful and heartfelt post and I can so feel your emotion on all counts coming through. I am so proud of you, excited for you, happy for you, hopeful for you…and I celebrate you and those 100 lbs of fat that bit the dust and have allowed your beauty to shine through for the whole world to see. It has been my absolute pleasure to share a small piece of your journey and I so look forward to sharing the journey of the next 100. You are rockin it sister. Awesome, awesome job. 🙂

  5. Pingback: WS#7 Don’t Ditch Your Support Team | The Road to Beautiful

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