What Is My Deal?

I do not know where to begin or what exactly I want to say.   I guess I will start with the obvious.  I gained again for the 3rd week in a row and this time it has thrown me back in to the 3’s.

Thinking that I am gonna get results without work is …well not working for me.

I can easily point to many contributing factors…lots going on emotionally/spiritually.  The last couple weeks have been a series of highs and lows.  I can even point to a possibility of water weight gain as well that happens this time every month.  I can point to history and say this happens every time I lose weight…but ultimately, those would be excuses and not really the issue.

The issue is I have not been doing the work I know to do.

The issue is I want something for nothing.

The issue is I have been lazy.

The issue that actually had me tearing up while talking about it with Aaron tonight is that I am tired.  Everything else was just facts and answers, theories as to what is going on, but this…actually got through the layers of tough skin I wear so well, so it must be the one that is MOST true, at least in this moment.

It has been 9 months of working at this.  Questioning every choice of what to eat, challenging myself to workout, often talking myself through workouts, talking myself out of eating this or that.   9 months of learning about myself and my story, how my story affects my food and exercise. 9 months of learning to actually experience emotions instead of shutting them off.  While I am super glad and thankful for all that God has done in the last year, I am just tired.

And I am only 1/4 of the way to my goal.  It is not like I am almost done and the finish line is in sight and my focus can shift a little bit.  No, folks, I am just getting started.

I know, in time things will get easier.  If I just got out there in the air, and ran…I would quickly remember that I actually like it.  I know that it won’t always be this hard. I know all the right answers…but I am tired.

In this moment, I don’t have the mental energy for all the self talk.  I just want to be tired. I know it sounds like a defeatist attitude.  But I am NOT defeated…just tired!  It doesn’t help that I have hormonal crap going on and instead of being a raging lunatic this month(which would actually help to be pissed off enough at the scale to actually make something happen) I am blessed with the blues, which certainly doesn’t help the “tired” feeling and certainly doesn’t help with the lack of motivation factor.

Tomorrow is a new day…with new choices…and Lord help me…a better frame of mind…cuz dag blast it, if I have come this far to be taken out by TIRED-NESS and PMS….awww Hell NO!  See now I am getting mad…


10 thoughts on “What Is My Deal?

  1. Hang in there girl! I’m familiar with where you are and how that nasty “tired” can mess with us. I’ll keep you in my prayers and I KNOW you can do this!

  2. You can do it Kim! I know you can and you know you can. I am exactly where you are, I am tired. I have done this for so long, gone up and down like a yo-yo, the choices you have to make every minute of every day. It’s exhausting. But if i give up then I get nowhere. I know we are not giving up but it is exhausting. Hang in there.

  3. Hang in there Kim if you remember I was in a bad place a few weeks back I came out of it feeling stronger & doing better. I copied your comment you sent me so you could read your words to me, I hope you dont mind.

    “Kim said…
    Sometimes it is soo easy to get off track isn’t it. We fall down, and we get back up. Sometimes, the feeling just isn’t there, but we get up anyway! Glad you are up again!”

    • HAHA!! USing my own words against me now are ya?? Ok FOR me…THanks for the reminder…I am standing, I think…a bit wobbly, but standing!

  4. I’m sorry. I have been there, too. Like every other day in the winter. Damn it to hell…all that tired, unmotivated, ‘life sucks’ crap.

  5. Thanks guys…I am in a better frame of mind today. In fact I am a bit down right pissed off…trickery indeed has been at hand…but I am on to it now!

  6. Yes! Trickery! I emailed a friend who was going through some crappola of his own and pretty much determined it was trickery. I had to be honest with him about it. It’s easy, sometimes, to shift the blame to ourselves, circumstances, etc. But, sometimes, it IS trickery. Subtle, subtle. Love you beautiful woman!

    • yes, in this case, it is some of both…the trickery has been in the discouragement and tiredness of fighting…this evil guy has used the normalcy of the circumstances and exploited them…why I oughtta….!!!

  7. I know what you mean “wanting to be tired”, it just seems so much easier to tell ourselves that we are tired and can’t find the effort. I have a huge problem with that. Why do we always want the easier way out? I have to do alot of self talk to keep going lately.

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