Some of you have been wondering where I have been since my last post. I have gotten the emails! For those of you that saw my highly positive posts for the first 10 weeks of 2009, you might have begun to wonder if I ever had a bad day or a “rough patch”. Well, this past week should be enough to know that yes I am indeed human. I do fail and fail miserably. Or as one might say…fail magnificently!
It has been a really rough week. For the first time in a really long time…possibly as far back as November, I went “driving for food”. I started out going to get a movie to match my already dark mood and every single convenience store, fast food place, and gas station was calling out to me…to just stop in and see what they had. Fortunately, I managed to keep the car heading straight despite the almost physical pulling of the wheel to turn in. I actually only stopped one place and exercised some measure of restraint. I WANTED to get a whole meal deal super sized plus ice cream! I ended up with one ice cream cone. Ice cream in hand I headed to the video store for my “dark” movie. Upon entering the store with said ice cream in hand…I got a text message from Aaron. Sadly, I ignored it until the ice cream cone was gone. Only to see a message that reminded me to keep my vision in front of me. GRRRR…
In the grand scheme of things, one frozen yogurt from McD’s is not all that bad actually. What makes it bad for me is that it was solely an attempt to feed the darkness in my soul. It has been a long time since it has been this bad, I truly forgot how bad it could get when all I want to do is numb out and STOP FEELING. Yet, I also know that isn’t what I want to do either. Feeling things means I am alive and well and healthy!
SO I spent a few days, each day trying again to make good choices to start afresh again and again…each time failing. It began to get so overwhelming and even more depressing. I am better than this, right? Stronger than this, right? I know what to do but is it really just a matter of making a choice to eat right? I think sometimes the choice is to just keep getting up. Even if you only stay up for 2 seconds before getting knocked down again.
Sunday, I knew might be rough, given my lingering mood. Holiday meal with family. Family who all now know about my weight loss efforts thanks to the Pound for a Cause fundraiser. While I don’t regret saying yes to this, it does add pressure. In the end, there really wasn’t anything healthy served, it was one of our typical family meals. But outside of that, the day started with mom being food police there making several comments about what I am allowed to have or should/shouldn’t have until I finally looked at her and just told her to “shut up”. Yes, I told my mom to shut up, in those words. We have already had this conversation about her not being my food police, so I feel justified. I may be wrong, but for now I feel justified.
As for quantity of food I did ok. But I have no idea about calories. In fact, I have no idea about actual calorie intake for the last week or so. While I was back and forth to GR, I wasn’t logging in my spreadsheet but I was at least keeping a mental tally. This past bit, I just didn’t.
I know this is depressing to read, but I feel a bit like this is a time for confession. Own it all, and keep going…again.
SO last night I made a decision. I am tired of the dark mood controlling me. Enough is Enough already! This madness has got to stop! I decided that on Monday (today) I would fast. I would fast and get the crappy foods out of me for at least one day. Then begin again on Tuesday. So far so good. While I am hungry and was tempted by the little danish things they had at my Census Bureau Training today, I am doing good. I feel more in control, like I have a fighting chance now! I think it helps my mood as well to have something productive to do that will bring in money. I have purpose again…at least for 4-6 weeks.
Tomorrow I weigh in. I have no expectations but am sure I will be disappointed if I I miss the 50 lb milestone again. Hopefully, the disappointment won’t be all consuming again. Reality says I should consider myself lucky if I hold steady. We will see. I have to admit, I have been tempted to “forget” to go and therefore giving myself an extra day. So instead of falling prey to that little demon, I called the Dr.’s office where I weigh in. They open at 7:30 AM. If I want a morning weigh in or to weigh in before I eat anything, I must be there by 8 AM…otherwise I have to wait and go after my training…at 5:30 PM. I would rather weigh in with nothing in me. So….tomorrow morning it will be.
For now, I am going to change out of my work clothes and go to the local track and see if I can’t walk/run something off of me.
This is me….getting up again for about the 100th time in a week…