Tomorrow is another weigh in day. I am not anticipating much of a loss, if any. Simply because well…it is that time in which I retain much fluids. But it doesn’t matter, cuz THIS TIME is different.
I ate some chocolate today, and yesterday even had SEVERAL cookies and cornbread and chili and didn’t worry so much about counting my calories so religiously, but that is ok, cuz THIS TIME is different.
On Saturday I really didn’t feel like going to the gym and had to work hard to talk myself through the sprints I was doing and and ended up doing far more than I could imagined (6.5 for 30 seconds….3 times)because THIS TIME…is different.
The other day, I was talking to some good friends who know something of my diet and weight loss history and quite a bit of my story and who I am because of it. (amazingly and wonderfully, they still love me in spite of it or because of it, I am not sure). Anyway, they asked me, “how come THIS TIME is different?” Basically, how can you be sure that this time you won’t slip permanently back to your old ways when you get tired or bored or it gets hard? (ok that 2nd part is my inference) Well here is how I know that THIS TIME…really is different.
1. I am doing this for me and not for anyone else. I am not doing what I am doing to please anyone or to fulfill any one’s expectation but my own. Not that I don’t like to hear that people are proud of my efforts or encouraged in any way, but that is not my motivation, that is a bonus. In the past, I have attempted to lose weight because I thought that is what others wanted or because perhaps others would like me better if I did. Not anymore, this time is different.
2. I started counseling about 1 year ago because I felt very disconnected from my emotions. I would be in situations and be able to see how one might feel a given emotion based on the circumstances, but not really feel it. In this past year, I have learned to feel my emotions, to embrace them and hold them as long as I want to. In the past, if things were going on emotionally, I ate. Completely unconscious to the fact that I was even eating, let alone that it was because there was some emotion going on that I didn’t want to feel. Unfortunately, I fed not only what one might consider negative emotions such as sadness, disappointment, or anger, but also the happiness, joy, celebration stuff as well. I now acknowledge and feel most everything and recognize when I resort to eating instead of feeling. Sometimes, my feelings are irrational and not based on any truth, (like disappointment over losing ONLY 2 LBS, instead of 3 or 4) but I still allow myself to feel the feeling fully before I start ambushing it with TRUTH or letting anyone else talk me out of feeling that way either. This time is different!
3. One of the biggest triggers for me emotionally has been my abuse story. I had no idea how huge this was until I started addressing my emotions. In order to address my emotions, I had to be willing to look at this aspect of my life. It took a while, but I have begun to address it and have really experienced so much healing, by the grace of God, and I will continue to address it every time it rears its ugly head. I refuse to let this part of my story have that much significance in my life such that it paralyzes me emotionally, leading to unhealthy eating. This time is different!
4. Ssshhh don’t tell anyone but I am kind of excited about exercise. I like leaving the gym, feeling like I have pushed myself a little harder than before and that I didn’t quit because it got hard or because it hurt. This time is different!
5. Grace. I have learned and am continuing to learn to extend grace to myself when I mess up. Like the Pringles incident last week. It’s OK. One so called mess up does not mean I am not who I say I am or that I am not still working hard. It doesn’t make me less of a person or mean that I am bad or a failure. It is simply Pringles being eaten. Grace, such a powerful thing that I can give myself for times when I am tired and weak. See, this time is different!
I am ready. I am confident. Let’s do this thang! Because THIS TIME my friends, is different!