This week I got to re-learn how important my support team is and what happens when I get arrogant enough to think “I got this” and don’t need them and when i let shame win.
I have come to a place in my journey where so many people know what I am up to and know my commitment to this journey, that I could have called on just about anyone to stand with me during last weeks struggle and I would have had no less than 10 people ready to join the battle with me. It used to be that I intentionally had a very small handful who I would let in to this space with me. While, it is such a blessing to have so much love and support around me, that same support is a double-edged sword when things get tough and shame creeps in as I fail again and again in my choices.
Last week was an epic week and I learned alot.
- In case you missed it, I discovered that I have lost 100 lbs from my all time high weight(as recorded by my doc!
- Then I blogged about it, and as you know, if you have been reading for a while, I write quite honestly, which means I often put my words out there then sit back feeling incredibly exposed.
- Then a friend decided to honor me with a 100 lb party and invited all of blogdom and all of my FB world to join in by sending me stories of how my life lived out loud has impacted theirs.
- Then, a boy happened on the scene of my life. ok he came on scene a few months ago, but this week it became apparent that there may be some mutual interest, which, while exciting, also has my panties all up in a bunch, as this is all new territory to me with new levels of vulnerability being reached.
- and then, basic life needs took over. Things I needed to put some time into and with limited hours other things got cut out such as meal prep and workouts.
So that is what was going on. All of that left me feeling quite shaken, vulnerable, exposed, and terrified. What if I can’t keep going? What if I can’t maintain this? What if my body stops working again? What if I let all of you down? What if…???
In response to all these questions/fears that there are no answers to, I ate. I ate fried chicken and oatmeal cream pies. I ate at restaurants I had no business smelling at let alone eating at, one of which was a chinese buffet.
In the midst of this, I failed to let “Coach” or Aaron know the reality of what was going on. I failed to let Tate in on the reality of my struggle. I failed to ask for help in sorting through what was going on for me. I pretended I was ok. I pretended that I was strong enough to handle it. I tried to rationalize my way through things instead of sitting down and letting myself have a moment to honestly feel the depths of my fears and instead at every hint of them rising up, I stuffed them back with food. I hid.
This is what I know to be true, more than anything else for me. When I sit in a dark place and allow my sin and my shame to keep me in a dark place and I don’t speak it out into the universe, when I don’t shine a bright light on it by exposing it and myself to others(my support team), I cannot win. I will sink further and further into darkness and it will become harder and harder to pull out. When I fail to utilize my support team, people who loved me at 368 lbs and rising and who love me at my 260ish lbs and shrinking, I fail. When my arrogance rises up and I begin to think I can handle all that life throws at me, I fail. When I keep things secret, I fail.
So, my winning strategy for this week is to USE YOUR SUPPORT TEAM! Don’t ditch them in a time of crisis, pull them in closer. Hold on to your lifelines as tight as you need to and always ask for help. There is no shame in asking for help!
Incredibly valuable lessons were re-learned for me this week and I am grateful for opportunities to go again.