Right in the midst of last months angst of living in the tension of what is vs what is to come and the dueling excitement and devastation of what all that means, it was time to take my monthly pictures.
I have a friend who is a photographer and a woman I trust, who has agreed to take pictures of me once a month in a semi dressed state so I can look back and see progress when the scale is not being kind to me or when my brain simply has not caught up with reality.
These pictures are ones of me in a sports bra and bathing suit bottoms and also with a tank top on(for possible future publication somehow/somewhere)
Needless to say, with all that was true for me during this time, as the time grew closer to get these pictures taken I was trembling. I was so ashamed of my body and all I have done to it over the years such that even my current efforts, while good and healthy for my life, will likely never yield a very pretty body in its naked form. I was ashamed of how I have used food to cope with life. I was ashamed of the lack of discipline that brought me to this place. I was ashamed of not having taken advantage of all of the opportunities to lose weight before. I was ashamed that my body doesn’t respond as quickly as others do. I was ashamed that I needed help, that I couldn’t do it on my own. I was ashamed that I let my abuse control me for so long. You name it, I was ashamed of it.
Amy, my photographer and friend, is amazing. I think she could tell something was up for me and as I stood before her, naked(literally, well almost) and ashamed and telling her some of my fears, she began to speak truth over me, about who I am. Her words began to counteract the lies I had begun to believe again. She helped me to grasp onto a wee bit of courage so I could take these pictures that one day I may be grateful for.
This journey is hard friends. Overwhelmingly so, at times and in ways I never thought or imagined. This day was a day of great shame…and it was about standing up, opening my eyes, and staring down shame as I looked straight into a camera lens that would forever capture an image of my body as it is today.
This journey cannot be done alone. This day it was a day of having a friend stand with me as Courage rose up to defeat the shame.
I was looking for images that display courage and this one hit home for me. The little one is the small voice of Courage standing up to the Giant of Shame.