You know this journey is ridiculously long. 4 years ago, I figured I would take about a year and focus in and deal with my issues with sexual abuse and family crap and food issues and deal with it all and then, my body would lose the weight and I wouldn’t take it back! I was willing to give up alot to focus in for a solid year. Of course, making that decision in GR, really was a decision. There were all sorts of social things with my plethora of friends to do on any given night of the week and this meant passing things up to workout or to go to counseling or to some group session. It was a choice inspired by God himself and made easier by many friends willing to journey with me and work out with me and sit with me in the awfulness of a healing process.
It continued to be easy(er) when I moved back to Detroit, but it wasn’t really a hard decision to keep going. I wasn’t really giving anything up to continue working out since I didn’t really have any friends over here and I wasn’t working yet.
After this long though and after plugging into an amazing church and forming some great relationships with awesome potential for more, I am ready to move on with my life and not have THIS be the all consuming focus any more.
And yet, when I look at scale progress, I am right back to the number I started with in August 2008. THAT is really hard to acknowledge. I can no longer try to rationalize the lack of results with other positives or candy coat it and claim muscle gain. The truth is, my clothes no longer fit and I have none of my bigger clothes left since I got rid of them, swearing I would never be in this place again. I had to order new logo wear, and ordered the bigger size because the last size I ordered no longer fits. Today, I popped a button on my pants. The only thing I want to wear these days is my stretchy workout pants…because at least they stretch.
With this evidence, how can I quit?
So I have made a decision, I am giving this one more solid, hard, intensive go…and if it doesn’t work….well…I am done investing time and money and heart and emotional energy into this. I will always work out and I will always eat healthy, those things are a part of me now, they are who I am, but I will no longer allow THIS to consume me.
So, I have very sadly cancelled Crossfit (for now, I will go back if this next plan doesn’t work, simply because I love it) and I have also sadly stopped seeing Daniel. I have to say, his response to my questions and concerns and ultimate leaving has been so very different than with Demond. He has been gracious and kind and oh so caring. It actually hurts to say goodbye to him in all his care for me to be well. Especially, because I fully believe that if my body would respond like a normal body would, his nutrition program is the best for being HEALTHY!
I am starting something new, and I am not sure how much detail I will post here. As with everything, it seems hopeful and promising. But nothing seems to work beyond 8-10 weeks with me anyway, so I likely will remain quiet on this for a while just to see. Unless of course something drastically different from my norm happens. I am hopeful and skeptical at the same time. I am excited and scared. If this doesn’t work, can I really walk away and leave these desires of my heart on the ground?