This year I decided for fun I would join the Biggest Loser contest at work. This required bi-weekly weigh ins, of which I have had 2 so far.
I have already quit the contest.
The scale is not my friend. It has not been for the last 3 years and I don’t know why I thought we could repair our relationship in 2012 and become friends again, but for 6 weeks I thought we could.
Last week I showed a gain of 10lbs!
Yes 10 lbs!
I ate salads and followed my program strictly(except for Sundays, which I typically take off and enjoy meals out with friends after church)
Logically, I know this is likely a water retention thing but no amount of brain logic could counter the onslaught of devastating emotion that filled my soul.
I cried at work all day Wednesday and after 2 comments on a FB post about it, I took the post down, knowing I would kill people in all their intended kindness and support.
Thursday I awoke angry and went to the gym to work off some frustration. I walked out of my workout after 1 round of the assigned workout. I got into a yelling match with a friend in the parking lot who was trying to be a good friend and then…when I went back to finish my workout (because I couldn’t REALLY quit) I got called into the office by the trainer, whom I also yelled at and cried in front of. It was a bad, bad day…and it wasn’t even 10AM yet.
It was an awful…awful…awful day…and my friends tried so desperately to encourage me but it all sounded like clanging gongs in my ears.
Except for one.
My friend Alison, wrote this on my FB wall. “I was thinking about you this morning, Kim and grieving this long hard journey. I’m praying for you.”
Tears of a different kind came spilling out of my eyes.
No excuses of water weight or muscle gain.
No questions of what I did or didn’t do (aka Blame).
No attempt to relate.
No expressions of understanding.
No Hoo Rahs to keep going.
No intimations about how damn inspiring I am to be going so damn long at this.
Simply a recognition/acknowledgement that This. Is. Hard. and that she is doing the only thing that matters. Praying.
Alison’s words were so dear to me, because while she does not share the same struggle, she is no stranger to grief and suffering and pain and struggle. She has learned, the hard way, what is helpful and not helpful to hear in the midst of suffering. You will have to read her blog for bits of her story though, I couldn’t begin to tell it like she can.
But I am grateful for this woman whose path I seldom cross but whose life I greatly admire…who knows how to simply BE with someone in their anguish.