Wow,I am sorry it has taken so long to write again, especially after that really scary sounding post!
I did meet with my Pastor and my friend Julia that night. I went in not knowing what to expect and half fearing that they would discover I was possessed or some other strange thing like that and have to pull out the garlic water and perform an exorcism!
Alas, nothing as dramatic or scary as that occurred. I am not possessed. No exorcism needed.
Now before you all go getting freaked out and writing me off as some freak, let me explain. We are spiritual beings living in a spiritual world and contrary to what we may WANT to believe, not all things spiritual are so nice. So while I joke (sort of ) about being possessed, I am also aware and fully believe that it is possible for some to become possessed.
I went into this time with my Pastor uncertain and nervous. I KNEW I could not be possessed but there is a possibility of spiritual influence and I wanted to be free of that, if in fact it was influencing things for me at all.
The time consisted of me sharing some of my journey with Jim and Julia. Where I have been, what I have been up to. My fears of forever being fat and my deep knowledge that THIS is not what God would have for me. I shared a deep deep feeling of being unheard in my times of prayer and even worse than that a feeling of being ignored by God. If I didn’t share this with them I certainly was able to recognize an almost tangible anger towards Him about this being ignored business.
You see, while I continue to work and struggle and wont give up on this journey, I also was finding myself increasingly angry when I would hear of others success. I would hear of people who cut out soda and didn’t exercise at all and would be losing weight or walk 20 minutes a day and not really change how they ate and I would verbally say congratulations but inside I was seething with jealousy and anger. It wasn’t fair! When would it be my time? When will my hard work pay off?
No small amount of tears were shed in this small room on the upper level of the building that houses our church offices.
Jim and Julia who have great gifts of hearing the hearts of others and then listening for the voice of God in that, listened and questioned then prayed over me. At various times they prayed fervently and with authority casting out doubt and fear and insecurity. They spoke words of encouragement over me and in those moments I felt like God was present and able to hear, if not me, at least them. They prayed over my memories of my sexual abuse and the chaotic home I lived in growing up. They spoke Truth to me in ways I have not heard in a long time, with great authority. They prayed about the longings of my heart and my desire to live a life pleasing to God.
After over an hour and a half of sharing and prayer and weeping, I left exhausted. I left with a new hope. And I left with a sense of wonder over what this time would mean for my journey.
You see I had yet to set up my appointment with an endocrinologist that my Dr was referring me to. I didn’t know if I needed to anymore or would this time be the “fix” that was needed.
A couple of days after I left that room, I found myself at work. A woman came up to me at the Credit Union where I work and said to me, “Kim, I was hoping to see you today! I wanted to tell you, after talking to you and knowing how much you work out, I started my own program and have lost 20 lbs since Sweetest Day!”
I was surprised by my response. For the first time in a VERY long time, my inward emotion matched the words I shared with her! I was proud of her, encouraged by her, and excited for her! And, I was in awe to see that despite the lack of weight loss in my body, living my life out loud has had an impact on others. This woman, who knows me by name and by story, now has a story of her own to tell, a story to be excited about…and I still had to ask her for her ID before I would give her money out of her account! This woman, who I still don’t remember her name, is taking up a challenge I gave her to train for and run the Detroit Turkey Trot with me next year!
After she left, tears came to my eyes, as it dawned on me…God did meet me in that room a few nights back, He IS at work in my life and in my heart even if it is not on the timetable I would like. He has not been ignoring me…He just hasn’t been saying what I want Him to say or doing what I want Him to do. He is not a puppet on a string that I get to control nor am I a puppet He gets to control. If anything, in my anger and bitterness, my ears have been closed to Him. I shared this story with Jim, and He asked if I would share at church.
You can listen here. Choose the sermon called “Gods Heart for Outcasts”
You will have to put up with a pop up that says our church has moved. Just hit escape!
What does this mean going forward? Am I still going to see the endocrinologist?
What I know for now, is that I need to keep working out and making healthy choices. The results, I will leave to my trainer(Daniel) and my Dr. to figure out. I am going to keep laying my worry and my fears down and keep picking up trust as often as I need to…(feel free to remind me if you see me doing otherwise) This doesn’t mean I won’t play an active role in the decisions regarding my journey, it just means I am not going to fret about it.
In fact, I DID see the endocrinologist. Stay tuned for that story…
Daniel has a new plan drawn up for me and I feel good about it…again stay tuned for that one…
I am also realizing that this journey is not one I can do alone. It is as much spiritual as it is physical and I must seek God as fervently as I seek weight loss. I must be praying as often as I am working out, if not more. I must be honest with Him at the moment I begin to doubt or at the moment I feel unheard…and I must LISTEN more than I speak. I must learn to trust.
The conversations I have been having with God have looked something like one which took place a couple thousand years ago between Peter (I think) and God.
God: Kim, Do you Trust me?
Kim: Of Course I trust you! What is not to Trust about you!
God: Kim, Do you Trust me?
Kim: Of course I do Lord, why do you keep asking me that?!
God: Kim…Do. You. Trust. Me?
Kim: I do Lord, but help me in my lack of Trust!
Clearly there is something in me that does not trust, why else would I feel such a clear question coming from Him time and time again? So now my conversations have been beginning with…Show me where I don’t trust You…and Help me to Trust.
Thank you for reading my story and being a part of my Journey so far. 2012 is going to be an exciting year, I am certain of it!