A few posts ago, when I couldn’t sleep and I was spiraling downward, I wrote a blog full of questions. Questions I didn’t feel like I had anything close to answers to in that middleofthenightIamsoexhaustedIjustwannasleepbutcan’t moment.
Well, I spent last week coming out of my funk and being incredibly busy every night with everything but working out. Then I went “home”, home being where my heart is happiest, to GR for the weekend. I spent 2.25 days soaking up the love of friends. I breathed deep and inhaled the knowledge that my heart and mind had forgotten or misplaced or something…
No matter my size, I am loved. Deeply and dearly. I am loved enough to be pushed on an 8 mile run by Ben, who for 2 hours and 21 minutes become a pseudo Demond. Questioning my heart rate and pushing me up hills and making me run when I wanted to walk and not letting me quit when it got painfully hard. I am also loved enough to have my identity challenged, or at least the number I seem to identify with challenged. Loved enough to be encouraged to think of myself bigger than a number.
I am loved enough to have my perspective on my life challenged(by Coach) in that what I see and experience as all-consuming and awful and total failure, is not. In fact, Coach is amazing at remembering (when I don’t) my accomplishments. Regardless of the struggle, I have still kept off what I have lost already for longer than I ever have before. I have faced some pretty big monsters in my closet and lived to tell about it and probably will have more to face, and I will live to tell about those too. I have and continue to do more than most other 300 lb women. I continue to get up when I fall down.
I am loved enough to be kicked out of GR when it is time for me to go but I don’t want to.
2.5 hours there and back with lots of time to think without distracting myself with other things. Plus a great weekend with everyone left me space to think about my commitment. I thought about the past few weeks of little to no working out, factored in the time of being sick and gave myself grace for that, and an answer to one of my questions from that crazy night blog post began to form in my mind.
Who AM I and what am I about? Where is my commitment?
It is easy to get sidetracked on this journey. There are 1000 ways of doing this thing and not one is more right or more wrong than the other. It is also easy to get distracted by other people’s stories and how “seemingly” easy it is for them, while I sit and whine about how hard I have to work. I thought about mentioning a few particular bloggers I have read who seem to have it easy, but decided, I don’t know enough about their stories to claim it as easy. Their struggles are simply different from mine.
It is easy to get lost on this road folks, even when you have a detailed map. I know I joke about LIKING to get lost in the woods on runs, and I DO love that, but I really hate when I seem to wander off the path that has been so clearly laid out for me (by Demond). I wander so far off course, that I question everything and then getting back on the right path seems hard. It is like I lost the map, forgetting the course we laid out in the beginning that would get me to where I want to be. You know, things like, how many calories do you want me burning a day? What HR do you want me at? How many calories am I eating a day?
And….apparently I get lost in my blog writing too, because I was supposed to be answering a question.
Who Am I, what am I about and where is my commitment?
I am Kim and I am a pretty amazing person who loves big and therefore hurts deep. I am passionate about becoming fit and healthy and living a long life. I love doing all sorts of active things and discover new ones all the time that I never knew I would like. I love people and draw energy being around them. I am a person who loves helping others and making them happy. I don’t like to disappoint people or let them down.
FOr now, at this time in my life, I am about setting the stage for a healthy life. From now until I reach this goal, this is my focus. This is where my energy needs to be focused at and at the same time I need to have balance and enjoy friendships in my life that are life-giving. I need to be open to creating here, what I have in GR, with new people, which will require being willing to trust new people more and more and to be willing to share with them like I do with the folks in GR…and to be willing to invest into their lives as well. No more holding back.
Where is my commitment? It is right here. It had gotten off track a bit though. I think for a while my commitment shifted to a mentality of playing it safe. Playing not to lose instead of going all out and playing to win. I was doing just enough to hold steady and to not raise suspicions. Doing a lot of chattering but not following it up with the actions. I think also, my commitment shifted from being to myself first and shifted to being to Demond or to Coach or Aaron. I became about not disappointing them. On some level I fought to keep going because I know how much time and energy they have invested in me and how can I not keep going after all of that? Well folks, in this journey, that kind of commitment doesn’t work. All it does is create a space of dishonesty or half truths…and doing just enough.
What I am realizing though, is that this is NOT their journey. While they love me and are willing to walk with me and encourage me, they can’t do the work for me. They cannot give me the want to. This is ultimately my journey and it is on me to complete it in a manner that brings honor to their sacrifice of time and energy spent on me and with me. (mind you, they would not see what they have done as a sacrifice).
So my commitment has to be to me. I have to stand in my commitment of health for me and me alone and while I am not standing alone, it is my stand. It is my Journey. My results. My Responsibility. It’s on me.
It is on me to let Demond know what I need. It is on me to workout whether he is around or not and to push myself beyond my comfort zone. It is on me to get enough sleep each night and to plan all of my meals out so I hit the calorie goals. It is on me to read my map and to snap right back on course when I go off.
This is not about perfection. It is about getting it done.
So, Demond, I know I have been oh so not fully committed the last little bit as I figured some things out…but I am all in now, my friend. Will you still walk with me?
Coach and Aaron, I know I don’t even need to ask…I know you are with me till the end even as you head to NYU or get married…thanks boys…love you so much I don’t have enough words to express it!