Yesterday I decided. I am 138. I told Demond. So of course it is all official, whatever the heck that means. He said he is good with it, but I have to be committed to it too.
Today, I am realizing I have no freaking clue what it means to live like I am 138.And I am mildly freaking out. Not crazy, just more wondering what this is all going to look like.
I don’t want to simply add-on a lengthy to do list that I will likely NEVER be able to do perfectly and will therefore end up stressed out as I strive ever so hard to live a 138 life.
Nor do I want this to just be a Jedi mind trick(although if it works I suppose who cares if it is a Jedi mind trick or not, right).
I know, I am a pretty self-aware person. I know I have a tendency to over analyze and over “do” things instead of letting things just be and simply having fun with it, whatever “it” is.
I wonder how one lives as 138 while looking in a mirror and not seeing 138 and I have just given up all control of my numbers to Demond, at least for now, although he has said until the end of time.(wow, that was a long run-on sentence) How do I evaluate goals if I don’t know? How do I measure success or the lack thereof? Have I just switched one number identity for another one? Is that ok? Why would I do that anyway? Oh yes, because 138 girl probably lives the kind of life I want to live…more so than 300+ girl…
Yes, I am slightly freaking out about this AND I am trying to let it go and let it be…I think if I just knew what it takes to live life at 138 I would be fine…
I know. This post makes absolutely no sense.
So, I have scheduled a session with Demond for before I go to GR(yes folks, I am going home for a much-needed retreat) for the weekend and I have asked for time to be left for a conversation.
I am compiling some questions and thoughts for him…mainly about expectations, a plan of action and what the heck does life at 138 look like??
Seriously folks, the last time I was 138 I was probably 10 years old. So how does that translate and look as a 5’7″ woman….
Demond, I am not stressing…ok maybe a little….which might explain that donut today….but…I promise, I am looking for the fun in this too….and you can’t blame me…I am a control freak giving up control to you….me..a girl who doesn’t trust easily…especially men….am placing my trust in you and really working to do so fully…sooo please give me some room for questioning, ok?