The other day I was having a conversation with someone who is also on a weight loss journey. They were telling me how they don’t think about their weight at all. Their trainer knows their weight and inches and the whole nine yards, but she actually knows nothing and doesn’t care to know. She simply enjoys being active and she does what her trainer tells her to do as far as eating and working out…and it is working.
Now my wonky head was screaming inside…”HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW YOUR WEIGHT???”
Like seriously people. How can you not know anything ever? The scale gives a measurement of irrefutable feedback. You gain or you lose on some sort of consistent basis. In my head, the scale is an important factor in whether I am where I want to be or not. I know I don’t know exactly what I weigh now, but I have an idea at least and Demond tells me AT LEAST whether i am making progress or not.
So Saturday, I was driving and thinking about this conversation but more my reaction to it.
Why was I SOOO appalled that she didn’t want to have any idea about her actual weight. Not only did she not WANT to know, she didn’t even care about that number at all. Furthermore, why do I care so much? Why do I always get hung up on that blasted number?
And as I drove…an eery silence filled my car. THe cars around me seemed to move in slow motion. A Spotlight was placed on what I think my weight is right now and this thought resonated in my mind.
The reason you can’t let go of that number and she can is because you believe that number to be the determining factor in WHO YOU ARE. It has become your identity.
Talk about a sucker punch. How many times have I commented on your blogs telling you all that the scale is feedback only but it does not define you. I am pretty sure in the 3 years I have been writing that I have written a blog or 2 about how the scale number is not my identity…and yet…here I am saying I have lived as though it is…despite what I have preached from my little pulpit here.
So the logic goes like this. If I weigh 300+ lbs then I am NOT healthy, fit, athletic, strong. I am not a runner, a biker, a swimmer or a triathlete, even though I do these things. If I weigh 300+ lbs, I don’t belong in running groups or triathlon groups because I am not them. Instead I am fat. I am lazy. I am unhealthy. I am….see how this goes?
The reality is…In many ways, I am far healthier and more fit than others who weigh 138 lbs.
So, I have had this revelation. But I don’t know how to fix it. I mean this has GOT to be a deep seeded problem to be analyzed and taken apart and put back together in some fashion and then, and only then….I will be able to wrap my heart around the head knowledge that I am NOT my number. Right?
So, I was talking to Coach tonight about this. I wanted him to hear about this firsthand and not read it in the blog. I was telling him how I don’t know how to fix this. He laughed and said well, maybe the revelation was enough to fix it itself.
What? No…it can’t be that easy…
Coach said while laughing, “well you seem pretty committed to it being hard to fix, what if it isn’t?”
Hmmm…what if it isn’t? Now THERE is a thought. Everything doesn’t need to be as difficult as I make it out to be.
He said, if you are your number what if you just pick a number. Any number and that is what you are. Or instead of a number, when someone asks you your weight or you ask Demond your number on the scale, you pick a color to be…and just be that.
Ok, I know. It sounds Kooky. But it kinda makes sense in my head. If the theory is correct and the revelation itself fixes the problem, then perhaps I will be able to relax about results and numbers and all the stuff that stresses me out.
So once again, I am going to simply declare for myself who I am…and then I am going to live like it.
A runner runs. A triathlete tris. A biker bikes and so on.
I am a runner.
I am a biker.
I am a swimmer.
I am a triathlete.
I am healthy.
I am beautiful.
I am fun.
I am strong.
I am 138.
Yep, you read that right. I am 138. And when I ask Demond what I weigh, that will be the answer he gives me. When someone asks me what I weigh, 138 is my answer.
My Dr will probably be quite puzzled when I walk in and tell her she is not weighing me because my weight is 138…wonder if I will be able to get away with that one…..:-)