This week has been a much better one than the last, for sure.   I am still not 100% mentally/emotionally, but some might argue whether I ever was, but I am much better.

I am discovering that…

  • I can be trusted to make smart, healthy choices even when not counting every calorie.
  • There are other foods to be eaten when I am not locked into what is easy and quick with the calories already known in advance.  There are yummy and healthy things outside of my comfortable but boring routine.
  • While I have FELT ever so DONE…I am not done yet.
  • this little break has been a long time coming….

You would think that after this long on this journey I would recognize my patterns and realize that I am melting down and just need a break…since this seems to happen about every 3-4 months!  Unfortunately, I don’t recognize it at the time until after the little break!  In fact, those who feel the brunt of my meltdown most closely will and have told me to take a break…relax.  Calm down.  Quit being so anxious.  Stress is not helping…and to them I have yelled (in my head anyway)…


How can one take a break and still achieve goals?  A break might turn into a quit! I am FINE, I got this!  There is work to be done and if I just could tweak things a little more and be a little more disciplined(perfect) the results will come and the stress will go away…

Yes, those are the fears…and this is the thought process I go through EVERYTIME before I end up taking a small break.

and once I take the break…with the break being defined as make healthy choices but don’t worry about calories consumed/burned…my whole outlook changes.  I get re-energized.  With a little distance from the list of “I have to’s” I see more clearly what I “get to do”.

This week I am grateful for a mind and body who, when given freedom to choose anything she wants, she wants the healthy thing 99% of the time.

I do have a weigh in tomorrow morning and I have no idea what to expect there and honestly, in this moment I don’t care.  But with that weigh in comes a session with Demond and THAT I am nervous about.  In my Non-scale victories post, he commented and has already told me the stair climber level is going up again this week.

Ever since the last time he put me on that thing and we ended up in a yelling match, I have refused to get on that machine and I lucked out during my last session with him, he didn’t put me on it.   I haven’t even been able to complete without stopping the last level he had me at…and now it is going to get raised?

Yeah, I am scared of this. I really dislike what that machine brings out in me.  All of the ugliness inside me comes out. I am not a yeller by nature, but it makes me so angry, at least at the levels Demond sets it at. I say and think awful things and end up having to apologize later.  I hit stop, more often than not.  I want to quit.

But the calorie burns are amazing.

Demond insists I can do it if I would trust myself and not panic…and I am thinking this stair master relationship has a parallel to my journey thus far…

We will see…




8 thoughts on “De-Functified

  1. Kim,

    I am so happy to hear that you have uncovered new things that were there all along! If you learn to trust yourself it will be easier to trust others thus resulting in greater accomplishments. Now you’re no longer chasing change but only inviting change to enter your life on its own and now you will see how happy change is to be a part of a wonderful woman! Only great things to come from here plus a little yelling at your favorite trainer which he loves so much, lol.
    Continue to be an inspiration my dear!

  2. There is definitely something about that stair climber. I know when I’m on there, my biggest challenge is to stay calm, keep my cool. It’s so easy to panic, so easy to go “aaaaaaand I’m done”, so easy to let my sweating and heartrate scare me.

    Sometimes, I think it’s because of the relatively slow motion, and not being able to just depend on my muscles to start taking action by memory. It once made me wonder if it would be easier at a higher speed, since I once found running a bit faster to be world’s easier than the slow, measured pace I’d been making myself keep.

    Allow me to share the results of testing this wonder: No, it is not easier at a higher speed. 🙂

    Anyway, I’m glad the break is doing you some good. I was an avid, crazed calorie counter until I got pregnant with Evey. That period really allowed me an opportunity to learn to listen to what my body needed, not what my mouth/brain wanted, to visualize portions, and to practice moderation. I still like to confirm with calculations sometimes, especially when I’m trying to lose weight, but it makes me much happier overall.

    • Hey Heather! Thanks for reading and commenting!

      No worries, I trust your scientific test results, I do not feel the urge to re-do the test myself!

  3. Progress. That’s what I hear in this post – mental progress. Learning to know yourself better. Learning to TRUST yourself (which, let’s be honest, is NECESSARY if you are to make this into a lifestyle forever kind of thing).

    I think you need to show that Stairmaster who’s boss. Are you up for it? I know you are!

  4. Yes, I am witnessing progress when I read your post. You are recognizing patterns. You recognize the triggers. Trust yourself, my friend. It’s okay to feel fear. Let it go thru you. Once it does, take the next step, no matter how small it may be to you. It’s about the steps. It’s about being your own warrior…

    Yes, this post is about progress….

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