So now for the post about the rough week or so that I have been having. I must preface it though with, it is getting better. Slowly. But it is.
So, I dared to hope out loud. Yes I did. And Disappointment has knocked me on my ass. But I don’t regret hoping, even after all of this past week of whatever this is. Oddly enough, at first, after the weigh in, where Demond says I lost but still wasn’t below 300 yet, I was mildly disappointed but I was ok.
But then, Monday came and when it came time to get up to go workout my thoughts were of the nature of, “why bother, it isn’t going to make a difference anyway.” and further ” no matter how hard or how little you work, the results are the same…minimal” Oh yes, I was knocked down and I was NOT getting up. Not this day anyway. Skipped a morning workout and I am not sure I made it to my evening workout either.
I was officially in. a. funk.
Thoughts this past week have been swirling. What did I do wrong? How do I fix it? If only I had not missed that workout…to it doesn’t matter anyway…to I hate working out these days…I am so undisciplined, if only I could be disciplined…and back to how do I fix this?
Then I got a message from a new friend I met through Demond. He was encouraging me in the struggle of the week and he said this
just keep at this Kim … You can really work on some of the mental struggle as you accept more and more of this as lifestyle … As more of it becomes lifestyle the less complicated the struggle. ( there is always someone around with some evil so just stay strong)
Hmmm after 2.5 years it’s not a lifestyle yet? Maybe not. It is still exercise for an end goal of pounds lost. Eating and counting calories burned/consumed all to manipulate the scale.
My thoughts went even more out of control after this (Don’t worry Steve, it’s not you its my funky brain!) How do I make it a lifestyle if I haven’t yet? More things to do, to work on, to fix.
I began to get overwhelmed with just wanting to do this right. If I could just get the formula right and do it perfectly, then the scale HAS to move and move significantly in the direction I want it to go. If I did exactly what Demond asked without shutting down his machines on him(yes I did that again-another post though) then maybe, just maybe….
The more I wanted to get it right, the more overwhelmed I got, the more I shut down. I would be stretching it to say I made half my workouts last week. I was in such a funk that when Darrell and Karollee decided to come work out with Kyra and I on Thursday, I kinda didn’t want them to. I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want to put on a happy face. That is saying a lot, because I love those two!
In the meantime, Demond and others are telling me that I need to exercise for fun not just calorie burn and to let him worry about the science behind all of this and to relax.
More things to do, to fix.
Now I am even more overwhelmed. I was spiraling and I knew it and I couldn’t stop it, so I stopped trying. It was and is what it is. The more I tried to control the spiral and get myself under control the worse it got. More things to look at and consider and fix came up and I couldn’t do it all and I certainly couldn’t seem to get it right and nothing…absolutely nothing I once delighted in seemed fun anymore.
So, after talking with Demond during our session on Saturday and more email dialogue, my job this week is to simply relax and have fun. Up until now, I work, go to the gym, prepare to go to the gym, count calories, and record it all and start all over the next day. And when I miss something, I get eaten by guilt.
Today, I had an idea I proposed to Demond that he agreed to. I am not counting calories this week. I will eat intuitively but without letting my body get HUNGRY every few hours and see how that goes. This is scary for me because as a recovering emotional eater who got to be where I am by eating freely, this could go drastically wrong. Or it could be proof that I have changed and perhaps this is all more of an imperfect lifestyle than I think and that I can be trusted with food.
I am also looking this week for fun ways to exercise. Not simply for calorie burn. So tonight, I think I will be taking my nieces and nephew for a moonlight snow walk. I will find fun and joy in exercise again…I know it is possible, because I had fun Sunday…(another post).
So folks, that is where I am at. I have a weigh in on Saturday…after a week of no calorie counting.
I have come too far to quit now…so I will press on through this funk until I get to the other side and find my joy again.
(it has helped to read some of my old posts today, while snowed in, and read of times where I truly had fun and was loving this journey)
Thanks for reading, I know this is not a fun and upbeat one.