I have been thinking this thought lately in regards to my upcoming weigh in (which happened today).
“I am afraid to hope too much.”
So, in thinking that thought, I have not stated out loud or in writing anywhere what I
wanted hoped to see on the scale. I didn’t say that after 3 weeks of no weigh ins but still working that perhaps I would fall back out of the 300’s again or at least lose 3-4 lbs. All because to say it out loud meant I was hoping for something that I wasn’t sure was going to happen (given my history). I didn’t want to hope. Hope after all leads to disappointment and more than I didn’t want to hope I didn’t want to feel the crushing disappointment when it doesn’t happen. Again.
Granted, I have no idea how far away from that goal I am. My last known weight that I KNEW was 310. I have never seen my actual weight with Demond and he only gives me an idea of what the numbers are. Thumbs Up=I Lost or Thumbs Down=I didn’t Lose. I can usually get him to give me a better idea of where I am such as how much I lost. All that to say, I don’t know how much over 300 I am. I just know I am less than 310.
Anyway, back to hope. I am beginning to think that hope is intrinsic. Natural. Unstoppable. Like breathing. I don’t know that I can stop hope from happening anymore than I can choke myself with my own bare hands and actually die from it. Sure, I may choke myself long enough to pass out, but as soon as I pass out I am going to start breathing again. It’s natural. It is the way we are created. Now I don’t know if there is anything Biblical about this thought on hope or not, some Bible scholar could probably read this thought and find something to prove me right or wrong, but I am basing this on experience. Which means this is MY truth, but it may or may not be Truth with a capital T.
So this week, I kinda knew a weigh in had to be coming. So I was working overtime to not hope and to not share my hopes for fear of disappointment. But hope happened anyway. I couldn’t stop it. How do I know it happened? Because this morning I felt a not so small amount of disappointment when I stepped on the scale. Disappointment by definition is
A feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized.
Expectations not realized. Hopes not attained. Dissatisfaction.
The very thing I wanted to avoid by not hoping happened anyway which tells me…regardless of my efforts, I still hoped. Now maybe I was able to turn this feeling of hope on and off in my pre-healing days, I don’t recall. All I know is now I feel. Everything. And this is good. It is healthy. I am grateful for it and at the same time frustrated by it because it does make me feel crazy at times.
Now. I must tell you. I did not gain today. I did lose. I am making up in my brain how much or how little it was because I honestly don’t know. What I do know is this. At my last weigh in on Christmas Eve, I had a slight gain but had been sick the 3 days prior to my weigh in. I know that this gain was less than 1 lb. I do not know if it was .99 or .09. What I know today is that whatever I gained I lost again plus some change. I am making up that this means not much. (I know. I make a lot of stuff up that probably produces more stress than is necessary.)
The disappointment comes not from how much EXACTLY I lost, but rather the bigger hope of being back in the 200’s not being realized. I am grateful for the loss. I truly am. And at the same time I am disappointed.
Because Hope happened anyway. Naturally. Intrinsically. Like it is supposed to. This journey wouldn’t be important to me without hope mixed in. Coach once said to me something to this effect in regards to my DNF at the River Bank Run last year.
Of course it is important to you. You wouldn’t be disappointed if it wasn’t.
So this journey continues to be a roller coaster ride. Hope and disappointment go hand in hand. Like peanut butter and chocolate. I am strapped in tight, hanging on for dear life as we begin the next climb. I will take the disappointment because it means that I first hoped.
Side note: to those of you who may think that perhaps it would be better for me to know my exact numbers and what is her trainer doing withholding her numbers from her!? I have asked him to do this and to not tell me the numbers except for at certain milestones. Read my history, all the way back. It is FAR WORSE when I know the numbers. Trust me.