Holiday Struggles

I am a bit delayed in my blog writing, but this is part of an email/blog I wrote between Christmas and New Years that I have been meaning to get around to publishing…So this is a bit historic now, but this is where I was at between the Holidays.

According to the New Kim Translation of the Bible, somewhere in all the letters written by Paul, this man named Paul speaks of not doing what he should do and doing what he knows he ought not to do and being frustrated by his own humanness.  I am sure with a few keystrokes I could find the exact passage I am thinking of, but I think you get the idea.

I often feel like this man Paul, who is lauded as a great man of faith.  A man who did worlds for spreading the Gospel.  A man who was committed without question to the work set before him…and yet he was a man who struggled with that commitment from time to time.

I wonder if he wondered what the heck he was doing in this world?  I wonder if he questioned his commitment, his faith, his dedication, or his standing in the faith community.  Did he question his motives and have to run himself through the ringer on a day-to-day basis just to keep going?

When it comes to this weight loss journey and this journey of becoming fully alive and whole, I question myself all the time.  I wonder what I am doing and why?  I wonder if I have what it takes.  I wonder where my commitment is and how it can seem to come and go at a moments notice.  This questioning is sometimes slimy attacks meant to steal, kill and destroy.  At other times, the questioning is me being crazy.  Hello! You have all had the opportunity to meet Krazy Kate, my nemesis…if not read back far enough you will find her.  And other times, the questioning is healthy and good and promotes more Beauty.  I like that kind of questioning.

Does the questioning and wondering mean I am giving up?  Does it mean I am any less committed? Hell NO!  It is just part of the process folks. Just part of the process.

So right now of course I am questioning everything.  My resolve and my commitment.  I am having fears and doubts about whether I have what it takes to make this phase of my journey complete AND about whether or not I am sabotaging myself.  Yes folks, I am wondering that.  It has been a long time since I have wondered that about myself.

I am FINALLY making scale progress and I fully believe that if I continue on with Demond and his plan and do as I am told, I could very easily, ok not so easily, be almost to goal weight by next Christmas.  Seriously.  We have set an aggressive goal of 2.5 lbs per week, but with any loss being acceptable.  Gotta aim high right!

This is exciting.  Should be motivating.  Should be heart pumping.  Should be something that gets me in the gym everyday with my eye on the prize!

Right?

Well, folks, believe it or not…there is also something very scary about all of that and it is hitting me hard this week. I know, historically, prior to dealing with my abuse issues that I would sabotage out of fear of being victimized again.  The weight was the protection.  But now, I don’t believe that is where the fear is coming from.   For the past 2 years I have been the girl who works out all the time, counts calories and is working hard to lose weight.  This journey has consumed my life.  I have developed new interests all surrounding fitness.  Running, biking, swimming.  Who knows what will come as I lose more.  Will I love skiing once Adam teaches me how?  Do I love running because I really love running or is it because by running, I am saying, “In your face!” to all who judge me for my size?

The end is in sight folks and what I don’t know is if those interests are there as a means to an end or do I REALLY love them.  Who am I outside of this journey anymore?  Ask any of my friends or look at my Facebook wall, if you are privy to that, and you will know that the conversation that consumes my life is this one.  Weight loss.

When I am at goal, who will I be?  What will I love doing?  How will I spend my time if not in the gym or meal planning or counting calories and sending spreadsheets to the likes of Coach, Aaron and Demond?  What if I lose focus and gain it all back?  I don’t know how to do life as a normal healthy size girl…never been her before…and that is coming.

I know, Coach, I hear you in my head already.  Irrational fears all of them.  And besides December 2011 isn’t even here yet.  Cross that bridge when you get there.  (do I know you or what?)

I know Aaron, I hear you too.  Telling me I am more than just a number and how me living my life out loud encourages so many and how THAT is who I am no matter what I am doing.

Demond, I even hear you in my head telling me you are with me to the end and when it comes time to move out of weight loss mode you will be there to transition me to healthy maintenance and a balanced lifestyle.

I know this stuff.  I know my fears and hesitations are crazy.  But it is good to question from time to time.  Gotta question whether my lack of motivation is laziness, lack of commitment or something else.  I think this week…it is a mixed bag…and the fear stuff, I know is unfounded.  Nevertheless, it is there and it has ALL been getting in my way.

But I am not quitting.  Do not hear that.  I am not going Crazy Kate on you all again.  I am simply wrestling around with some demons and got knocked around a little.

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2 thoughts on “Holiday Struggles

  1. I don’t think these questions are crazy at all. Being a little further along the road than you (not near goal but about 40 pounds away), I ask myself those questions all the time! If I’m not the girl who shops at Lane Bryant, who am I? If I’m not the fat girl I’ve been since I was 19, who am I? I don’t know how to live life at a “normal” or “healthy” weight any more than you do. And that’s okay, I think.

    I used to get mad when I read about people who got to goal and struggled…with loose skin, with how to BE at goal, etc. And now that I’m a little closer, I understand that more, and it doesn’t make me mad. The struggle changes before (and if) it goes away. So, yeah. You’re not crazy. You make a lot of sense to me!

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