In February, I will officially have been going steady at this round of this journey for 2.5 years. 2.5 years of serious work on all aspects of me. Spiritual, Emotional and Physical me. I know I need to write out some goals for 2011 and I know I should really look back at the 2010 plan and see where I stand on that. I think I hit a lot of things and I know in the area that seems to mean the most to me right now, I
failed. ok that is not true. There is a lot of victory in holding steady. This is the longest I have gone without regaining weight that I have lost. I am told this is progress. Regardless of how I feel, I am choosing to believe this.
I have hesitated to write the 2011 blog plan out partly because my thoughts are not clear and partly because putting my hopes in writing…well I don’t want to put them in writing. Not now when I am struggling with the disappointment of the last year. Not now when I am feeling weary again of this journey.
2.5 years is taking its toll on me. At least today it is. I hate to even write this because I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and I will be in a different place or at least I hope so anyway. But this is my story…moment by moment. And in this moment, I am a weepy, tired, discouraged, jealous mess. I am sure one day I will look back on today and see Beauty in it, but for now, in this moment, I am tired of this journey. This emotional roller coast that I now get to fully experience (thanks to some wonderful healing) is draining and I am certain not all that fun for those who get my low-end puking. Some days I wonder why I sought counseling to reconnect with my feelings. Some days I think being disconnected was far better.
I hate that it seems to be a constant battle to stay in this lately. Constant choices that don’t come the slightest bit easy. And when I don’t make the “right” choice then the onslaught of doubts that I will ever hit my goal hits hard. A nice solid 1 2 punch for the KO. I hate the battle within myself to do this perfectly and if I don’t then it means complete failure. 2010 was a quest for grace and balance. I don’t think I achieved that one yet! I always feel like I can do or ought to do more or do what I am doing better and because I am not doing better, then perhaps that is why results are coming.
Compound that with an insane jealousy/bitterness towards all those New Years Resolutioners who started walking for 30 minutes 3 times a week and changed their diet just a little bit and suddenly they are dropping 3 and 4 pounds a week (like some of my coworkers) and really…I read some of your blogs and I know my own journey and I know how hard we fight for every pound and I know how long we have journeyed on this road together and well in a not so successful attempt to not sound whiny…IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!
And so, I want to be done. No, I am not quitting. But I do want to be done. I am just venting and whining a bit and expressing frustration over this journey cuz it’s my blog and I can whine if I want to and cuz it’s been one of those hard weepy days.
I will be putting together a 2011 plan/goals post/page. It will probably read something like this:
Do whatever Demond says to do for as long as he tells me to do it until desired results are achieved and to keep blogging my frustrations and my joys so they don’t eat me up inside and so I will have all the more fodder for that book Coach seems to think I am writing.
And since this is an emotional journey, which tends to look a lot like a ride at Cedar Point, tomorrow’s blog post may have a totally different tone to it….who knows.