The other day, I was noticing how unstressed I am about my weigh in on Tuesday. I realize that just a week and a half ago, I was crazy stressed, but that was my first one with Demond. Now, I am settling in to what it is like working with him. I see what he is doing working and I have a strange confidence or peace that things will continue to work.
As I thought about these things, I began to realize a sequence of events that has led me to this point.
1. In September, I was ready to quit. I know I have written about the struggle of September and the following cloud of whatever that has hung around, but I am not sure I have been very clear how close I was to quitting. I know Coach and Aaron were not fully aware until after the fact how bad it was. In all honesty though, I was done. I had been making sacrifices and changes and paying out money to see change occur and while yes there were plenty of milestones and victories along the way, my goals were NOT being achieved and I was at a point that I couldn’t keep on and keep my sanity.
2. I decided to do the Big House, Big Heart Run with a friend of mine in October. I wasn’t completely prepared for this run. I had been unmotivated in my running since the triathlon in August, but I figured even if I walked a good portion of it, it would be fun to run with this particular friend. It was during this run, that I saw Kyra walking her first 5K and was inspired by her commitment and her perseverance. It was here, I decided that I HAD to finish this run as quickly as possible because I HAD to go back for her.
3. I met her trainer, Demond, when I went back for her, and began conversations with him via email.
4. I continued to feel unmotivated to keep going, although I continued to battle that. A persistent cloud of defeat/sadness/angst followed me, with every good thing, there was something else that went with it to steal the joy from it.
5. Throughout October I grew increasingly frustrated with my current training situation.
6. I re-visited a church that I used to attend because I was feeling the need to go to a church that was familiar and known and where there would be someone who would know my name, at the least. I was not in a place to make small chat and to meet new people, I needed to go and just be at church. I was simply desperate to feel God’s presence in a tangible way and I knew without a doubt that He would be found in this church, if nowhere else in my life.
7. I started attending that church after being told that a small group was starting to meet in the area I lived/worked. Essentially with this move, I began to experience a faith community again in my daily life and not just with my friends in GR through FB, email and my occasional visits out that way.
8. In November, decided to leave my current trainer, for a whole host of reasons that I have decided NOT to write about in my blog. Kelly is a great trainer, she is just not the best for me, for my body, and for the massive amount of weight I have to lose.
9. I called Demond to see what was possible. Up until this point I had decided that I could not afford him with the frequency I thought I needed to get results or that I was seeing Kelly or even Jess prior to that. Demond, being a possibilities man, assured me, that I could and would get results, if I worked hard and saw him once a week.
So now, I sit here, going on a month with Demond, quite calm about my pending weigh in tomorrow, knowing that I have worked hard, and grateful, incredibly grateful, that at a time when I was really really floundering and couldn’t even come up with the words to pray for help, God saw me in my distress and in my loneliness and longing for community. He provided all that I thought I needed and so much more. I have a trainer who is so committed to my success. He sees my number on the scale as his number. He is constantly monitoring my numbers and always challenging me to greatness. I have a church community that I am settling back in to and connecting with. And while I love Demond and the A2 family, my faith family is probably more important. If my faith is shaken, nothing will work. I am convinced of that. With that said, I am also grateful that Demond is also a man of faith so he gets it when I talk about those things!
Despite being angry with God more often than not this year, He has not left me alone, even when it has felt like it. I really hate to think about where I would be at in this moment if all these things hadn’t simply “happened”. If I hadn’t done that run, if I hadn’t gone back for Kyra, if I hadn’t meant Demond-the possibility man, if I hadn’t gone to that church….
What I know to be absolute truth in this moment is that God is Good. He has loved me with an everlasting love, he has called my by name, and He is rebuilding me, day by day into who he has called me to be. I am grateful for this process AND much of the time I wish that He would speed up the process, because it is painful, my friends, incredibly painful.
So here is the vision I have that won’t allow me to quit, even when I really want to(God seems to always intervene when I lose sight of this ). I see a healthy mom of maybe 3 or 4 children with a handsome husband by her side, laughing and playing together as they do healthy active things together. I see others being inspired to take back their health and their fitness because they have seen that it is possible, particularly some of my family and friends. I can see others discovering a side of themselves they never knew existed as they pursue health! As I continue to push through my own doubts and fears and lack of faith, I see myself becoming more beautiful and more like the person God might say something like this to, “ You have fought a good fight, you have finished the race, well done, my good and faithful servant.” I don’t know exactly what it looks like to be deserving of words like that, but I imagine that as I become more physically, spiritually and emotionally healthy, His plan for me will continue to be revealed and I will be in a place to be able to do what is asked of me.
P.S. Weigh in has been moved to Wednesday. I refuse to let Demond drive out to see me tomorrow with the icy road conditions we are having.