Yesterday I was at a conference that happened to be held at my old church from the first time I lived in GR. I have not seen many of these people in some time, several years in fact. I was quite excited to see two of my favorites from that time in my life, Bill and Carole. Bill is known in my mind as the most amazing hugger. If you are ever down or ever need to feel like the arms of God Himself are wrapped around you, seek Bill out for a hug. Ironically, he is not a big man at all. Maybe 5’6″ and 140 lbs.
Anyway, I digress down memory lane. I was talking to Bill when Carole walked up and practically shouted about how good I looked and asked very directly how much weight I have lost.
I forget often that I HAVE already lost a small child and I forget how noticeable a missing child is. For Bill and Carole, this is a new thing. They haven’t seen me in a long time, so the change seems drastic. Drastic enough to not sit back quietly and notice but to shout it from the rooftops. I, on the other hand have to work to see the differences between me then and me now. Most of the time, I need to study pictures to see the changes. On the flip side though, I more clearly see the change in my heart and soul and in who I am as a person.
I had a hard time simply answering her question of how much I have lost without justifying and rationalizing. More than that though, because of the recent gains, despite my work, I noticed an element of shame descending on me as I struggled to answer her and wishing it was more, knowing it should have been more or perhaps could have been more.
So this morning, after having finished my workout (end of day update to come on that), I am going to choose to live today proud of what IS, proud of who I have become and all I have done. And I am gonna slay some demons of doubt and insecurity and fear and “what if” and most of all shame…all on my own! Ok, not on my own…I’ll bring Jesus along for back up!
For now though, what differences do YOU see in these two pictures?